Hooliman Aja Geechum guma guma guma

Salt Lake City UT.

The lawsuit continues today in the American Atheists Inc. vs. the State of Utah. It seems the state troopers erected 13 crosses in memorial tribute to fellow officers who died in the line of duty. The crosses were placed in December of 2005, and these memorials are seen as offensive to some.

The plaintiffs, Stephen Clark, Michael Rivers, and Richard Andrews are members of the American Atheists Inc. which claims a membership of 30 million. The organization is based in Texas.

Rivers, claimed in court "The himellybop wana wana, shoo shoo blah dee dah, violates my deeepegog mooma dooma"

The UHP said they simply wanted to honor the memory and bravery of their fallen comrades, to which Stephen Clark replied, "This is an outrage!! My sebbestia absodufia imbabda bada, chompo chompo resoundo umleeback teeka teeka has been systematically codwhipped by slimatosis and whipperslop banglesheeding."

Supporters of the memorials said the families of the deceased would be devastated and the legacies of the fallen policemen tarnished if the lawsuit is upheld.

Richard Andrews, last of the plaintiffs remarked, "Halla halla halla. Yipsee dowwa googledeeshama! Ina godda da vida, pluffenbucko wa wa wa wa wa."

The American Atheists Inc., issued a public denunciation of the crosses, in part saying "The separation of church and state, combined with a hooliman aja geechum guma guma guma is protected under the provisions of la la la figero humma humma beestow incestibiggot platimama shumshum halibashima."

A group of recalcitrant folks in Texas are offended. Awwww...boo-friggin-hoo. Maybe they should....ooooooh, I don't know....get a life?

In any case, I researched the Constitution that this particular group clings so strongly to. Try as I might, I could not find anything in the document that covers people being offended, short-changed by others, or even totally pissed off for that matter. Our ignorant forefather's stupidly created some sort of live-and-let-live society, and this of course is not fair to the fine folks of AAI. They feel they have exclusive rights to being offended, and even if they have to conversely offend the other 270 million people living here who think it's ok to have a memorial of any kind, they'll do it to protect their rights. Of course we all know the AAI is in the middle of an increasingly long line of people and groups that are currently offended, so we're asking their patience while we resolve this matter.

Democracy is in its finest finest hour. Enjoy!

Better than Da Vinci

Al Gore brought out his newest invention today, to the absolute delight of hundreds of millions world-wide.

Beer or stress...donuts wasn't an option?

This was just on the MSN.com homepage. Can you see the conversation down at the sports bar tonight?

"Hey Billy-boy, you been bangin' down a few beers lately, huh?"

"Naaaah Fred. It's just stress, ya know?" "My wife wants the living room painted teal, and I really would like kind of a terra-cotta finish with some general accents like decorative pillows and maybe an etegere with a couple of nice finials placed in a crystal planter filled with genuine sea stones". "Thing is, all we seem to do is fight about it."

"Ummm. Gotcha. Yoowanonunutherin?"

Random thoughts...very random

• Illegal immigrants were out by the thousands this weekend - many of them waving Mexican flags - protesting the U.S. possibly enforcing laws that are already in place, and then saying they still want to be part of the U.S. I don't know about you, but I'm baffled.
• Zacharias Moussaoui said he was actually an initial part of the 9-11 planning. Wow, really?
• Speaking of 9-11, the "theorists" are correct. I figured it out today. Flight 175. Flight 93. Flight 11. 175 minus 93, minus 11 is 71. 7 plus 1 is 8. There are 6 letters in the word Boston. 8 plus 6 is 14. Each of the three planes had a pilot and co-pilot, that's 6 total. 14 plus 6 is 20. How much is 9 plus 11? Ha! It was there all the time, and those stupid government folks couldn't figure it out. I did it in less than 1 minute. Minds like mine are rare indeed.
• Some guy in Afghanistan wants to convert to Christianity, but according to Islamic law he must be executed for that. Evidently we're misunderstanding Muslims again.
• Speaking of such things, an Indian man said the word "Talaq" in his sleep 3 times. Talaq means divorce, and local Muslim leaders told them to separate immediately or face the consequences. In the U.S. of course, an attorney has to say the words "half his stuff" three times to make divorce official.
• Terry Shiavo died a year ago, and we're still talking about it.
• A married man is suing e-harmony for banning him from the singles-only dating service.
• The Tennessee minister's wife who killed her husband is suddenly "confused" according to her attorney.
• The NFL is about to pass a rule limiting end-zone dances. What they need to do is pass a rule limiting player interviews. That would be something I could get behind.
• 7 million illegal immigrants just tried to leave at the same time, but were stopped "3 stooges" style at the door.
• Julia Roberts is on Broadway now, but not without a price. She said she's taking a $35,000.00 a week pay cut. Please - somebody send her a coupla McDonald's gift certificates before the poor dear starves.
• Barry Bonds says his life "is in shambles". At last, his life mirrors his home run chase.
• Of the approximately 10 buzagabillion NCAA pools in this country, not one single person had George Mason University making it to the final four. Actually, 98% of the country thought George Mason was that scary actor guy.

• Yesterday's news reports from Seattle said the man who shot and killed six total strangers - then himself - was very polite as he did the act. Thank goodness for that. If there is anything I've always stressed to my children this is it. "When committing incomprehensible mass murder, make sure you always say please, thank you, and hold the door for your female victims." It's about time good manners entered the picture again.

Today in history

On March 23, 1775, Patrick Henry made his famous "Give me liberty, or give me death" speech.

Also on this date:

In 1806, exactly 200 years ago, explorers Lewis and Clark, having reached the Pacific coast - began their journey back east. They were last seen in a Checkered cab, driven by San Francisco transplant Hamid Ali Bommbaya Falaffa, taking the long route.

In 1919, Benito Mussolini founded his Fascist political movement in Milan, Italy. Today, it is known as HBO's "The Soprano's".

In 1933, the German Reichstag passed the "Enabling Act", which effectively granted Adolph Hitler dictatorial powers. Translation: It ENABLED him to do whatever he could or wanted to do until the U.S., Great Britain, and the Soviet Union could get in there and stop him 12 years later.

In 1956, Pakistan became and independent republic of the British Commonwealth. Today, Pakistan is known as the place where Osama probably does his laundry on the corner of Jihad and Main streets. Nice little place...Mahmed's coin-op "with front loading washers".

In 1983, President Reagan first proposed developing technology which would then become known as "Star Wars". Follow on Presidents would develop, "Star Wars -the next generation", Star Wars - the prequil", and of course "The Matrix - WMD's have never looked so lame", staring Keanau Reeves as a bus riding LA cop-turned-nuclear-physicist-turned-greenpeace-activist. What?

In 1996, Taiwan held it's first direct Presidential elections, paving the way for the now famous "throw your shoe at your elected official" policy.

5 years ago on this date, the Mir space station fell out of the sky and crashed into Detroit. This ended the 15 year odyssey for the space craft. No one in Detroit noticed the firery destruction.

1 year ago today, a federal appeals court refused to reinsert Sean Hannity's feeding tube. Unfortunately, he survived and is now a transexual Aruban newspaper reporter still combing the beach to locate Joran Vandersloot's missing penny loafers.

Yeah...yeah...I know some of these references are really off-the-wall. Get over it.

My kingdom for a pencil and a piece of paper

I'm gonna let you in on a secret.

I'm a low-tech guy. I don't own a digital camera, don't know how to use one, and don't care. I do own a DVD video camera (bought only a month ago), but I never ever watch the movies after they're filmed. I've seen it already, why revisit it 4 hours later?

My cell phone is hated by me, but in any case....get this...it's just a phone. It's not an MP-3 player (whatever that is), a calculator, an ESPN scoreboard, a GPS, and it can't make an appointment at a restaurant for me. It has text messaging, but it takes too long to type things, and I haven't figured out the upper and lower case deal yet. No only that, when you text message, it becomes so tedious that you end up sending messages like:

How RU ding? I M ding fne. 2 day I M ging 2 mall. RU ging 2 mall 2 Kimosabee?

I don't know how to forward a call so I don't do that. I don't know how to change the date and time so I don't do that either. When I went to buy it, here is how the conversation with the Cingular guy went:

Him: May I help you?

Me: Yes. I'd like to buy a phone.

Him: What options would you like with your phone?

Me: Options?

Him: Yes. Things like linear messaging, a 15 Zagabit Mainframe, deep-space communications capability, Osama Bin Laden digital tracking mode, 396 function calculator, a dog whistle, and an insulin pump. And that's just our basic model.

Me: Do you have a phone that just makes phone calls?

Him: You're kidding, right? You want to call people on your phone, and that's it?

Me: I know. What an idiot I am, huh?

Him: Well, we do have this lower-end model, the SAD-36. It can make and receive phone calls, but that's about it.

Me: I'll take it.

Him: You sure I can't interest you in the Vision Pronambular Extreme 109? It has video poker, instant NFL draft analysis, and for a nominal fee - it can be programmed to let you know when your car needs servicing. It's as light as a feather, thinner than your drivers license, and can be used to break and enter your neighbors garage to get your lawnmower back.

Me: Hmmm...does it make and receive calls as well?

Him: Calls?

Be my little bayabay

Music producer Phil Spector's capital murder trial was delayed today (March 22nd, 2006) because:

A) The court didn't have a "Ronco Super-charged Weed Whacker" on site.

B) Homeland Security needed to sweep the top of his head for listening devices.

C) Spector's actual height and weight were different than on his drivers license.

D) Feel free to opine with your own pithy comment.

Thinking out loud

Did you ever wonder what would happen if you asked someone if they were honest, and they answered "no" ?

Artful dodgers

The latest count says there are 8,000 deserters listed with the United States Armed Forces since 2003, a strange statistic given the fact that the draft was last used in 1973, which is 33 years ago in case you don't have your calculator handy. Here are some of the reasons given by those daring enough to come forward and make a statement. If you'll notice, I said "daring" enough, I didn't say "courageous". Courage is a term reserved for a category of people that military deserters do not belong to, whatever their reasoning for doing what they have done. In any case, let's review some of their reasons (you can google them quite easily if you don't trust me reprinting them here):

"The Army didn't tell me I'd have to adopt their belief structure". No, of course they didn't. And if you end up working for Netscape, they won't mind if you tell everyone you know about the merits of Microsoft, either.
"I'm a conscientious objector". Funny, three months ago on page 5 of your enlistment contract you failed to check that block. What happened? And by the way, the war started in 2003 and you enlisted in 2004. Helllloooooo?!?
"My recruiter didn't mention anything about being deployed to Iraq." This excuse is of course believable, since the entire Gulf War II has been a secret that no one knew about until last month.
"I came in for the $50,000.00 college fund." Riiiight. Well here is the deal thunder head, they don't give you that money. It's called a trade-off, or something earned for something given.
"This war is illegal as far as I'm concerned." This is the one most commonly used after conscientious objector. I think people who can't use an ATM machine should be declared legally stupid as far as I'm concerned, but you know what? They won't be declared legally stupid any more than this war will be declared illegal to fight. In any event, please let us know when a 'legal war' comes about that you're willing to fight in, and we'll call you. In the meantime, I'll just go to another bank.

C'mon folks, it doesn't matter how you feel about the war or whether you're in the military or not...deserting the Armed Forces is one of the most despicable things a person in this country can do. And here is the real irony - the very reason you can even try and pull off some crap like this - is because of the millions of men and women who have died in wars in the past to make and keep this a free democratic society. I think it's monumentally sad that a young man or woman can freely enter the armed forces, get a barrel-full of college money or up to $75,000.00 in college loan forgiveness, get paid a decent salary every month, and the moment they're called upon to do what they're trained to do - they bail. Hey Jimmy Deserter-boy, every time you went to the field, they made you carry your M-16 rifle 24/7, right? Did you think that was because you might get a chance one day to nail a scurrying squirell? They conducted war games in the field and at places like the National Training Center in the Mojave desert in California. You were there, remember? War games. Drop the 'games' part, and insert only the 1st word. That's correct Jimmy...the word is 'war'.

How does your "my recruiter didn't tell me" logic apply when there are those of us out here in the civilian sector that know better? How come you weren't conscientiously objecting at the bank every month when you deposited your paycheck? Have you mentioned the training with the weapons, the paychecks, and the terminology like 'war-gaming' to your lawyer in Canada?

No? I didn't think so. That would take courage.

Falling...without a net...

Former 'mom of the year' nominee Andrea Yates goes back on trial today for drowning her 5 children, ages 6 mos to 7 years old in 2001. Her conviction was overturned when the court determined that a prosecution witnesses testimony about Yates watching "an episode of Law & Order" and getting the drowning idea from that was incorrect.

Why? Was she actually watching "Wheel of fortune"? And how could this possibly matter?

We have slipped so far and so stupidly into the abyss of wordsmithing attorneys and judges that a woman can murder her 5 children and then get off on a technicality like which TV show she was watching the previous night. Her defense team is attempting to prove that she was and still is - legally insane. Is there anyone out there doing the same for the brain-dead judge and court for overturning this? No, I think not. How about the imbeciles that continue to protect and proliferate laws that hurt the populace and allow the terminally corrupt to flourish?

Did she drown her kids? Yes, she did. Should she be allowed to go free or potentially go free down the road? No, she should not. Is she a menace to society? Yes, she is. She drowned her 5 children - there is no need to prove to me she is insane - I'm convinced. Put her on a gurney and give her the "night-night" injection that Timothy McVeigh received.

Perhaps we are the insane ones for allowing this to occur. I'm sure there are thousands of advocates (maybe 100's of thousands) who will no doubt say - "That's the law".

That's right, it is. So change it.

"JOHNNY! YOU GIT YER *** OVER HERE NOW!!!

I did something this evening I hate doing. I needed to buy some modeling clay for my son's school project, some dog food for my starving mutt, and some other random odds and ends. Being an American male, I wanted the shopping trip to be fast and easy, so I went against my better judgment and entered a place where I knew I could get all these things in 1 stop.

WalMart.

We have 1 week here in the Orlando area that is called "Click it or ticket". It has to do with the police enforcing the seatbelt laws. I've some news for them. Income a little low at the Sheriff's Dept this month? Send two officers down to the WalMart parking lot and you'll collect a years worth of revenue in one afternoon. 8 out of 10 hubcapless 1976 Datsun's and still-crumpled-from-the-17-accidents vans have drivers and passengers without their seatbelts on. And that's not even bringing into account the fact that 30% of those drivers look at 5:40 pm like they just woke up from a 4-day drunk...or are still in the middle of one.

I must have missed the sign at the entrance, but apparently it's ok when you're in there to yell at the top of your voice two aisles over to your kids or your shopping partner. "Do ya thaank cuzin Marvin would like this rocket propelled skateboard, Earl?"

"Billy!! Billy!!!! Put yer damn sister down for a secund and git over here. I'm NOT TELLIN' YOU AGIN, BOY!!"

Ahhhh...where America shops.

Let me ask you a question. Is their a weight minimum for admittance into this store? I'm between 6-1 and 6-2 and weigh about 195, and I'll be damned if I didn't look like I needed to eat some more. In comparison, I must have looked downright famished. Speaking of comparisons by degree, when in there I quickly realized intellectually I was Stephen Hawking in a Red Sox cap, and by virtue of the fact that I wasn't completely transfixed by the singing bass mounted on the wooden plaque, I must have appeared to be a friggin' Rhodes Scholar or the Crown Prince of Pango Pango.

There was one more rule I was apparently unaware of. Once inside, I guess it's ok to let your kids run free wherever they want like it's a public park or something. I see more 4 and 5 year olds - dirty faces with clothing to match - wandering free in WalMart than in a typical school playground. If I were a pedophile predator in there, I would think I'd hit the motherload. You could scarf one of these unaccompanied children up and be half way to the Neverland Ranch before mom and dad - dancing to the rhythmic sounds of the stuffed monkey standing on a large branch singing "TREE times a lady" - even knew you were gone.

We need to bring Osama over here for a side trip to the local WalMart. I think we could change his mind about wanting to destroy us. He'd soon realize we're doing quite well bringing it down all by ourselves.

WTF?

I'm going to type something here that is totally out of character for me, or at least on the surface I think it is. Now before you jump on my side or start berating me, read the whole thing and make your judgments after the fact. Ready?

President George W. Bush is on a direct collision course to be considered an abject failure as the President of our country. Now - now - all my liberal friends out there stop getting excited, because as you read on you'll see I'm going to jam it to you as well. But to stay on topic, let me present this to you. For starters, the President has increased the national deficit from 3 trillion to 8 trillion...and yes...I said trillion with a 'T'. What we have to show for this deficit is home prices laughably high, a war in Iraq that has the most hardened conservatives like myself scratching their heads, crap-ass border control, and gas prices soaring - then dropping by a matter of pennies only - then going back up almost imperceptibly unless you're really paying attention.

I am paying attention.

We have no exit plan for Iraq, we're threatening Iran for some God-awful reason that is unclear to me, we allow people like Zacharias Moussaoui to potentially escape the death penalty he probably deserves, we have allowed the wonderful men and women of the Armed Forces to be unilaterally embarrassed by the actions of the very few at places like Abu Graib and Gitmo, and not one single believable explanation has come out of the small group that comprises the President's tight inner circle in a long, long time. As a matter of fact, what does come out of there is nothing - silence - nada! Even well-respected and honored republicans across this country are starting to become restless and demand answers publicly. For whatever they're worth - and I don't give them as much weight as some do - the polls have this particular President and his administration at what could be the all-time low in our history if it continues. The average Joe and Jane - the middle class men and women in middle class America - are drifting away from this administration. Why? Because this administration isn't doing a damn thing to try and keep these people in the fold. They maintain their silence; they maintain their arrogance; and they continue to disrespect and ignore the people who put them where they are today.

Even in the face of this negativity, nothing verbal comes out of the inner circle. The President's daily radio show skips over the confusion and anxiety in this country, and subsequently what he plans to do about relieving it. It is so obvious at this point the President, Vice President, Secretary of State, and Secretary of Defense have absolutely no concern what anyone thinks; and it's frightening. It is my belief that no one in that circle of 4 is listening to anyone right now, even their previously most trusted confidant's. Where are we going as a nation and who the hell is taking us there? I think that is a fair question, especially coming from a guy who has a blue spandex suit on under his clothing with a big red 'C' on the chest, for conservative.

Now, the flip side. Never in the 5 years of this administration have the democrats had a better opportunity to take the reigns and show everyone they can right the ship, but you know what? They can't. Wanna know why?

Because Howard Dean is the chairman of the democratic party. Because Ted Kennedy is once again the face of the party, even if that face is squarely planted in his salad at the dinner table. Because Nancy Pelosi is the minority leader of the party, that's why. The "leadership" (and I say that with all the sarcasm I can muster in print) is a total whack job, an alcoholic, and an ultra-liberal big mouth from San Franfreak-o. A blind - deaf - mute Ortangutan with brain damage can see the simplicity of the democrats opportunity to take over the whole deal, but unfortunately being blind drunk or metaphorically brain-dead in California is different from being just sightless or clinically stupid. Instead of jumping on the deficit, we hear about terrorist prison reform. Instead of staying on the who's, what's, and why's of the potentially disastrous ports deal, the dem's want to keep bad-mouthing the military and its role in the war against terrorism. The entire country is up in arms about illegal immigration - especially those who went through the arduous and exhausting procedure to earn their citizenship properly - and the democratic party (along with Senator John McCain) insist on being the apologists for this influx of illegals, and is consistently trying to pass laws to make it easier to sneak in and stay in. I think it's interesting that the democrats and liberals are so "into" human rights, when liberal judges twice in the last 45 days in this country (Vermont and Ohio) have let confessed rapist/child predators walk with probation because they're fighting back at the system they've hated their entire lives - and the law said they could. Where are the "human rights" of the little girls raped and preyed upon? Where is the liberal democratic outrage when the perpetrators of these crimes walk?

Nowhere...trust me on this...nowhere.

The liberal left is as silent on these a-hole judges as the current administration is on their own issues. The dem's have the opportunity to take charge and spearhead manifest change in this country, but instead of working the real issues, they want to talk about insignificant crap like gay marriage and gay adoption. Screw railroad security, let's talk about why we won't let Bill and Bob get married. Hey look....Bill and Bob, I now pronounce you man and husband. Go down to city hall - sign for your kid - and take good care of him.

Can we get on with the important shit now???

Finally, last night I watched a former Rhodes Scholar named Rachel Maddow on Tucker Carlson's MSNBC show say "the difference between the liberal left and democrats (her distinction by the way) and conservative republicans (notice she made no distinction) was that liberals try to make the country better while conservative republicans think about ways to take advantage of every situation." When Tucker asked her to explain what she meant - get this now-

She was silent.

The Fire

Remember when Billy Joel wrote that song called "We didn't start the fire" something like 10 years ago? Evidently he remembered each of the hundreds of events listed rapidly in his song from memory, complete with chronological correctness. I was impressed and still am actually. Here is my version of that:

I remember.....

Penny Candy. Red Hot dollars that were 2 for a penny, along with dozens of other goodies. They were all kept in a glass box on top of the counter in a store long-since gone at the end of the street my parents lived on for 50 years.

The smell of my glove. If you played baseball as a kid - with any passion whatsoever - then you certainly remember standing in the field and placing that glove over your face to suck in the aroma of the leather. If you don't remember, didn't do this, or think I'm crazy - you never shared the same passion. You were just going through the motions.

Banana Seats and High Handle bars. You couldn't have just a bike 40 years ago, no siree mister! It had to be a bike with a leopard skin banana seat and high handle bars. Who needed 10-speeds back then? Not I. Slower? I slowed down. Faster? I peddled harder.

Steel Automobiles. Lots of chrome all shiny and reflecting the sunlight. If you see a well maintained American Rambler or Thunderbird driving down the road today, don't you stop and reflect on a different time and culture? You're damn skippy you do.

Parades and Drum & Bugle Corps Competitions. The 4th of July was always so cool when I grew up. One of the biggest parades anywhere was held, with band after band after band marching by. Floats, fire engines with their powerful horns blaring, funny cars filled with clowns throwing candy to the kids. Afterwards, all the bands would go to the local minor league baseball stadium and have a competition that lasted all day and into the night. Topped off with a modest but really nice fireworks display.

"Look" Magazine. "Life" magazine's more photography-oriented sister. I miss it.

Peace signs. There was a time where they were everywhere. It was pretty much the mantra for harmless hippies and college kids. For some reason when you see one now, it doesn't have the same effect. Some things are meant for certain times and places. A Cindy Sheehan rally is about 35 years removed from that time and place, and it makes me feel uncomfortable when I see one on TV. Kind of like when I see a 50+ year old man with a long pony tail and 5 earrings. Dude...get a haircut.

The Green Monster. The first time I entered Fenway Park to see a Red Sox game in person, I was awestruck at the green everywhere...but in particular, the 35 ft tall left field wall, which to a 7 year old looked at least 250 feet high.

My parents house. When you're a little boy, everything looks so big. Later in life after being away in the service for a lifetime with only the occasional stop-over, you see how small houses were that were built 85 years ago. Still a wonderful place, that house. Lot's of warmth and friendly memories there.

The woods in back. We used to ski in these woods, rode sleds through these woods, found the occasional Revolutionary War artifact in these woods, and played a lot of cowboys and indians in these woods. They're still there, unfortunately I'm here. By the way the skis and the poles were made of wood, and the ski boots were tied not strapped.

The McDonald's Arch sign. I remember when the sign said "Over half a million sold", and it took years to reach a million. I saw something the other night that said they sold 46 Billion last year alone.

Rotary Phones that actually "rang". A Gallon of Gas was 50 cents. Movie Theaters had balconies that would open for a Saturday matinee, and each theater in town had 1 screen and 1 movie showing. I'm not too sure of the price, but it wasn't equal to the mortgage payment like it is today. Drive-in Movies, and sneaking the kids into them via the trunk. 3 TV stations. To be honest, that part we do better today. Stealing your first kiss at age 16 and not 12. Obedience. If you were born after 1985, you have no chance of understanding that word.

So much more, all of it drifting farther and farther away.

Sigh.

The Rocket Trip

I've been thinking a lot about that rocket trip to another galaxy, and I've decided it has to be one-way. Once I leave, there is no way I'm coming back. I decided there were probably a few essentials that would be needed on the voyage, and for your edification, I've listed them below:

Cuisine:

A lifetime supply of Pepperidge Farm cheddar cheese goldfish.
A lifetime supply of Snyders pretzel rods

A man has to eat to survive, you know.

DVD's

"Faith Rewarded"...the story of the 2004 Boston Red Sox.
"Saving Private Ryan" and "Band of Brothers". Two nice reminders of a time where not only the men were brave, but the country was as well.
"The Dukes of Hazzard" with Jessica Simpson. What? When this movie didn't win "Best Cinematography" I knew the Oscar's were fixed.
"Home movies" of my kid's birthday parties. As much as we bore our friends with these, they're only special to us. By the way, that was a hint. Stop making me watch your kid's home movies, and if you're a fellow employee, stop sending me e-mail photo's of your little darling. Really.

Cd's

"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John
"Who's Next" by The Who
"Frampton Comes Alive" by Peter Frampton when he had hair
"One more for/from the Road" by Lynard Skynard
Some compilation CD's with songs from the 50's and 60's.


Visual

Pictures of my kids and family
A live feed to ESPN and ESPN2

That's about it. I just need to come up with $20 Million so I can do this. In pondering this adventure, I've discovered what a simple, uncomplicated man I really am. I've also come to realize all the ancillary crud we are exposed to on a daily basis does absolutely nothing to enhance my life one bit.

And yes, I'm talking to you, Sean Hannity.

Saddam

Saddam Hussein took the stand today for the first time in his crimes against humanities trial, and called the International Court a "Comedy".

"Not as good a 'Seinfeld', but better than 'Just shoot me'", the deposed dictator said. He went on to add the last time he laughed this hard was when "Chemical Ali" got the mixture wrong in the Northern Kurdish region in 1988, and instead of killing a couple of key people in the town, the entire 5,000 person population was wiped out.

"Gosh....we all had a few beers that night in my palace, and laughed and laughed at that foul up", Saddam said. "Darn near killed Ali himself."

Gen. Ali Hassan al-Majeed, affectionately known as "Chemical Ali", died tragically in a coalition air strike in April of 2003.

PS 3

The Sony Corp announced today that the long-awaited Spring of 2006 unveiling of the vaunted Play Station 3 will be delayed possibly until November because of an internal software problem. This is seen as a major set-back to the electronics giant.

It's also a huge setback to millions parents all across America.

Without the new Play Station, mothers and fathers will be forced to actually communicate with their children when they come home from work in the evenings, making for some rather awkward conversations and situations. "I've been so used to little Marky being totally absorbed in his gangsta gunfight game that I've never had to talk to him before", said a father in Ooleewop Minnesota. "I had no idea he was so tall now."

Other complications are sure to arise. Homework assignments will no doubt start being completed - and correctly - which will lead to teachers thinking that Mom has started doing her child's work, which would be cheating. Grades, previously exalted at the 'C-' level will increase, causing additional stress due to the now imperative financial burden of having a child previously pre-destined for 3 months at the local community college who is now thinking of a major university and a quality education.

Fast and snack food companies are outraged by the delay. Without the new video game, children will actually start going outside and exercising, leading to a reduction in overweight or outright obese youngsters, which will impact the bottom line of companies like "Debbie's Cakes".

"These and other issues associated with this delay are bound to cause serious financial difficulties in a kind of domino-effect", said Senator Biff Boffo of California. "It is the moral and financial obligation of this administration to step in an lend assistance to the Sony corporation to keep this potential disaster from happening", he concluded.

Oh the humanity.

The old man and the kid

Sometime in late June or early July I'm going to become a grandfather for the first time. Her name will be Sage Diane, and I just wanted to take a few seconds to tell her how happy I am she's entering my world. It's unnaturally warm right now, and it's still just March. So it's bound to be extremely warm in July when you show up, Sage. You better be prepared.

See you then,

Love...Grandpa

http://solosong.net/gordon/beautiful/beauti.wav

Frost Heaves and Black Ice

There are two phenomena particular to Northern cold climates that can cause problems on a road. The first is called a Frost Heave. When moisture from sub-ground level forms below the surface of a road - then freezes - the area of the road will sometimes expand upward. Ice takes on a physical dimension 9% larger than it's liquid counterpart. This causes the road to crest, which can be extremely hazardous to a driver going merrily his or her own way. Without notice, the vehicle can suddenly become slightly airborne, which is never a good thing. The second phenomenon indigenous to the Northern climates is called Black Ice. Most ice formed on the road has some sort of sprinkling of snow or condensation on the top, making it very easy to see. Occasionally though, ice will form over the pavement without the film of evidence marking its position. This is called black ice because of the transparency of the ice itself through to the road. An approaching driver cannot see the black ice because it looks exactly like the rest of the road. The result can be cataclysmic. In both cases, it becomes a matter of perspective on what you see versus what you don't see.

How you navigate through the black ice and frost heaves of every day life is the same way. What do you see as opposed to what I see?

When you see a commercial airliner angling gracefully up into the sky after takeoff, do you see a marvel of mankind and the human spirit? Do you see a vision of happy people on their way to Hawaii? Or do you see the memory of one of these massive structures being used for the most devastating of all acts several years ago?

We're in the mall going through a store and we glance over at the cosmetics section and see a woman fully 55 years old with one striking feature. Her "upper section" is taught, high, and resembles that of a 23 year old. What do we see here? An attractive person trying to stay that way by using medical science to her advantage, or do we see someone who thinks youth comes in the form of a scalpel and a few ounces of plastic foam? Do we view her as secure or insecure?

New Orleans got whacked, we all know that much to be true. The question here is do we see a failure of the local, state, and federal agencies assigned oversight, or do we see a natural catastrophe made 1000 times worse by a 4th generation of financial dependency on the government to come through for them? Do we see a system of hand-outs that was exposed by the storm as being outdated and in need of serious reform, or do we see racism and a government that just doesn't care about minorities?

Lastly, when we see throngs of thousands in the Middle East chanting and celebrating death, do we see a group of people trying to get out of their situation by being righteous, or do we see a new wave of potential terrorists forming right in front of your eyes on the television?

It's imperative that we all ask each other these questions and others like this because in the answers lies the makeup of our nation's character - moral, ethical, and philosophical. In the answers we will find the foundation for how we will grow - or whither- in the future. Is there a patch of black ice lying around the next curve? Is there a frost heave waiting to throw our car into the air, off the road, and into a tree? We can look at a thousand blogs and get a thousand different perspectives, which is simultaneously the beauty as well as the pratfall of freedom. In the 1940's we had a collective mentality, which lead to the destruction of the Nazi's, the Mussolini Fascists, and the Imperial Empire of Japan...all nations that are now strong allies.

Is our mentality collective at this time? Do we have the national resolve to go through another D-day right now? 10,000 young men died on French beaches in the first hour of June 6th, 1944. If CNN were there filming live, could we handle it in our society today? There may come a time soon when we are faced with the challenge of pulling together regardless of ideology or political affiliation. The successful will be those with a collective mindset...ummmm...like extremist fundamentalists have right now. Is the fact that our boobs are sagging more important than making sure we're prepared mentally to take on a very formidable opponent? Is gay marriage more important than Airport or Border security? Maybe it is...from reading hundreds of blogs and watching the news, apparently there are a lot of people who think so and want to debate these things first.

We'll see, I guess. In the meantime, we'd better keep our eyes on the road just in case.

Who thinks this stuff up?

There are 50 states in the U.S., which is a very fortunate coincidence since we have 50 stars on our flag, and one can easily imagine the chaos at Target and WalMart that would ensue trying to recall everyone's flags because there were too few or too many stars on it. In any case, I shall continue.

Each state has it's own motto, song, bird, slogan, and more than likely their own designated convenience store. Today, we'll focus on the state slogans. I found them on Wikipedia, and slogans change from time to time, so don't beat me up if yours is here but you're currently going by another. For example, Louisiana used to be Come as you are. Leave different. This slogan has now been changed by me to "Get the hell out! Levee's are broken", or maybe "Come in if you want, but you better get comfortable." In any event, let's look at some of these.

California: "Find yourself here." With the price of real estate, you may indeed find yourself penniless there. Also be advised, California is probably the phoniest, most superficial state in the entire country, so you may soon find yourself leaving as well. They spend tens of millions on the construction and upkeep of carpool lanes that no one uses, and of course Hollywood is there. Don't worry if you do leave - no one will notice. They're too busy trying to "find" themselves.

Connecticut: "Full of surprises" Yes, well that much is true. Like California, the first surprise you will experience is a 25 year old, 1,200 sq ft home selling for $700,000.00. I think that would qualify as a surprise to most.

District of Columbia: "Taxation without Representation." This one blows me away. Wasn't one of the primary reasons we fought the Revolutionary War because we wanted "NO taxation without representation"? And this is the seat of our government? See what happens when a crack-addicted Mayor starts doing your slogans?

Florida (where I live): "Discover your own back yard". Good one. Somewhere between June and November, discover your own backyard has been blown 700 feet north by another hurricane, and is now your neighbor's back yard extension.

Kansas: "As big as you think." They've lost me here. Is it as big as you think, or as big as it is?

Nebraska: "Possibilities...Endless." Yes...as are the stretches of road where you don't see another human for the remainder of the day, but you know what? I say that like it's a bad thing. I had better re-think this one.

New Hampshire: "Live Free or Die." Anyone ever wonder how the inmates at the NH state prison feel about making these license plates?

New Jersey: "New Jersey and You...perfect together, the perfect getaway, come see for yourself." My favorite state slogan. You can't put in on a license plate. Hell, you can't put it on the side of a transit bus. Like most people from New Jersey, the slogan rambles on and on. Notice how they referenced a "getaway"? I'm thinking they meant NJ is some sort of vacation paradise, but I'm leaning more towards "getaway" being that car idling in front of the Bank of America. Some still call it the "Garden State", but driving with the windows down near Newark quickly dispels that notion.

Tennessee: "Sounds good to me". Is this really a state motto, or something an employee would say to his boss when asked to collate the TPS reports? "Sounds good to me boss." Sounds lame, actually.

Wisconsin: "Stay just a little bit longer." This of course is because someone has to be there to turn the lights on and off. If you leave, they'd have to contract it out, probably to a Canadian firm. So please...stay just a little bit longer. Have a bite of cheese, that should help.

Of course there are more states and more slogans. Some of them are really snappy and fetching like Rhode Island: "Hope."

That's it. Hope. What does that even mean?

Alright I'm done. I had nothing quantifiable to write about, so I decided to have fun with some people. I don't mean any of this; it's a joke. So call Vinny up and tell him the "hit" is off.