My kingdom for a pencil and a piece of paper

I'm gonna let you in on a secret.

I'm a low-tech guy. I don't own a digital camera, don't know how to use one, and don't care. I do own a DVD video camera (bought only a month ago), but I never ever watch the movies after they're filmed. I've seen it already, why revisit it 4 hours later?

My cell phone is hated by me, but in any case....get this...it's just a phone. It's not an MP-3 player (whatever that is), a calculator, an ESPN scoreboard, a GPS, and it can't make an appointment at a restaurant for me. It has text messaging, but it takes too long to type things, and I haven't figured out the upper and lower case deal yet. No only that, when you text message, it becomes so tedious that you end up sending messages like:

How RU ding? I M ding fne. 2 day I M ging 2 mall. RU ging 2 mall 2 Kimosabee?

I don't know how to forward a call so I don't do that. I don't know how to change the date and time so I don't do that either. When I went to buy it, here is how the conversation with the Cingular guy went:

Him: May I help you?

Me: Yes. I'd like to buy a phone.

Him: What options would you like with your phone?

Me: Options?

Him: Yes. Things like linear messaging, a 15 Zagabit Mainframe, deep-space communications capability, Osama Bin Laden digital tracking mode, 396 function calculator, a dog whistle, and an insulin pump. And that's just our basic model.

Me: Do you have a phone that just makes phone calls?

Him: You're kidding, right? You want to call people on your phone, and that's it?

Me: I know. What an idiot I am, huh?

Him: Well, we do have this lower-end model, the SAD-36. It can make and receive phone calls, but that's about it.

Me: I'll take it.

Him: You sure I can't interest you in the Vision Pronambular Extreme 109? It has video poker, instant NFL draft analysis, and for a nominal fee - it can be programmed to let you know when your car needs servicing. It's as light as a feather, thinner than your drivers license, and can be used to break and enter your neighbors garage to get your lawnmower back.

Me: Hmmm...does it make and receive calls as well?

Him: Calls?