Baby, that ladder's high

Cleek on dee peenk leenk above...den come back heeeer and read

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice

The ladder was perched precariously on the uneven lawn. Only a wooden 8-footer, probably 10 years old at least, the last place I wanted to be last night - last 43 degrees with the wind blowing in Orlando night - was up on that ladder. But as fate would have it, everyone was ill Thanksgiving Weekend, I had to fly to a wedding this past weekend, so last night was it. Officially known around my house as "Dad's yearly brush with electrocution death and broken bones".

My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry?
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry well
Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour

Ever try this? You stand on the top step of the 8-foot ladder - that's correct, the one that says "NOT A STEP" - and holding a 1 inch thick tree branch for faux stability, you use your other hand to try and "lasso-throw" the end of the first string of red lights to adorn the 21 foot high tree. Now keep in mind it's dark out and the strings of lights are all together and plugged in so I can see how high they are being thrown and how they look on the tree. And baby, it damn sure is cold outside.

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

Balancing with my left, I sling the first string up - but it doesn't go nearly as high as I need. My next door neighbor pulls up and reminds me to use caution on the ladder, to which I reply, "Does it look to you like I'm using even 1% caution?" His silence was answer enough for me. The second lasso-try was effective, getting the whole thing started. As I continued to hang onto the branch, the invevitable started to happen.

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer?
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride?
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

The ladder started to sway under my feet, and I of course counter-swayed - the grip on the brach getting tighter. In what seemed like an eternity, but couldn't have been more than a second, it swayed - I counter swayed - it swayed more - and I counter plummeted. In keeping with the spirit of the season, I did in fact say the words "Jesus Christ" just before both feet hit the ground, my upper torso violently dropping down to meet the knees of my lower torso at the exact center of my mouth, and then I ended up on my back - looking around to ensure no neighbors or family saw this spastic version of Lawn Ornament Cirque Du Soliel. The animatronic reindeer was peering at me from about 10 feet away, and I swear the bastard was smirking. I tasted blood.

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm - Look out the window at that storm

My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a cigarette more - Never such a blizzard before

Once more up the ladder from a second angle, and I had the friggin' thing started. I got smart and realized if I stretch the strings away from the tree by walking as far as the string will allow me to, I could more easily lasso-throw the strings around the tree in a circular motion. After 15 minutes or so, I had the first tree done. It didn't look fabulous - didn't look bad - but it wasn't going to be changed.

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me

You know when you pull the lights out of the box every December? They're all in there tangled up and confused. You plug each of them in to test them, and off you go. Tree number two was lower, smaller, and looked for all intents and purposes like a cake-walk. As I was lasso-ing the first strand up - this time ony up to the 2nd to last step on the ladder - I was just about to let the strand go when BZZZT... At first I wasn't sure what happened, until the dog started licking my face. Evidently I had no recollection of falling, and shaking myself off, I headed back up the ladder.

I didn't get far.

As I was two steps up, I stopped to garner a bunch of the beginning string in my hand, and BZZZT...It happened again. This time I knew what it was because I could clearly smell my fried nostril hairs.

There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that old out
Ahh, but it's cooooold ouuuuuuut---siiiiide

As I drank my hot chocolate...the dog sitting at my feet making faces like he was smelling something strange, I admired my work of yet another year. Tree 1 was soft red in color, tree 2 soft blue. The bushes and shrubs surrounding the front of the house were adorned in a classy soft white. No twinkling, no on and off "eat at Joe's" lights here. Just dignified and simple...simple in style, that is.

Merry Ch-------