Headed for Georgia now.
I told ya...it's BOOBS.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Hurricane Gustav
As hurricane Gustav barrels down on New Orleans, republican Senator John McCain and President Bush are preparing their apology speeches for the hurricane about to hit New Orleans. We here at JL4 News have exclusive information that part of each speech is a formal apology from the entire republican party for the second horrific hurricane in 3 years to hit the city built 7 feet below sea level. President Bush's speech reads in part, "I am sorry that I caused not one - but two hurricanes during my second term in office."
In a disappointing show of partisan politics, Senator Barack Obama will not be raising his hands and calming the raging seas, saying in part, "I don't do that gig any more. Making the blind guy see wore my ass out."
President Bush said earlier today, "We're hopeful for less resdiucjisdal...redujidal...what's that word Bob?"
"Residual, Mr. President"
"Oh right...residual effects from this storm." "Damn...that sure doesn't look like residual. Looks more like some Rumanian word or sumpin', know what I mean?"
Former Senator John Kerry said if the President wanted to truly make an impact, he should swiftly boat out into NO harbor and put a stop to this nonsense.
Al Gore was asked what his theory on the cause was, and he said, "You seen that vendor around here? The one with that silver stand? He makes the most aaaaaawsome cheeseburgers. Why I had 7 of them for lunch on my private plane. Mmmmmmm.....mmmmmm. They were good. What was your question again?"
In a disappointing show of partisan politics, Senator Barack Obama will not be raising his hands and calming the raging seas, saying in part, "I don't do that gig any more. Making the blind guy see wore my ass out."
President Bush said earlier today, "We're hopeful for less resdiucjisdal...redujidal...what's that word Bob?"
"Residual, Mr. President"
"Oh right...residual effects from this storm." "Damn...that sure doesn't look like residual. Looks more like some Rumanian word or sumpin', know what I mean?"
Former Senator John Kerry said if the President wanted to truly make an impact, he should swiftly boat out into NO harbor and put a stop to this nonsense.
Al Gore was asked what his theory on the cause was, and he said, "You seen that vendor around here? The one with that silver stand? He makes the most aaaaaawsome cheeseburgers. Why I had 7 of them for lunch on my private plane. Mmmmmmm.....mmmmmm. They were good. What was your question again?"
Gustav and Hanna
Current tracking is in for Hurricane Gustav (Male). Track pictured below.
Pictured below is current tracking information for Hurricane Hanna (Female)
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Differences
Last week, Tropical Storm FAY entered Florida...exited Florida...entered again...exited again...entered again...exited again...and finally entered for a fourth excruciating time.
Meteorologists - a strange term, wouldn't you say? Why don't they focus on meteors instead of heat waves and thunderstorms? - well, anyway, meteorologists have given 3,765 reasons for TS FAY being so capricious and ultimately destructive, none of which match up with the JL4 Basis Of Offbeat Biometric Storming, also known by its acronym BOOBS.
Let me give you a quick refresher course. In the now-famous summer of 2004, when Florida was lashed with 4 hurricanes, the first of these, CHARLIE roared through just south of Tampa, and made a North by Northeast beeline for an exit just south of Jacksonville. CHARLIE was unfortunately deadly and destructive, but he knew what he wanted and simply got down to doing it. The fourth storm of that year, IVAN, hit the panhandle in much the same manner as CHARLIE. The problem storms that year were FRANCES and JEAN. FRANCES, obviously a prelude to 2008's FAY, was supposed to be a piss-ant storm that did no harm.
But noooooooooooooooooo, as John Belushi would say. Not this FRANCES chick.
She overstayed her welcome by nearly 132 hours, bringing on flooding of epic proportions. Hurricane JEAN was scheduled to miss everything in the country, a storm destined to die harmlessly in the northern Atlantic. Instead, JEAN circled up, circled west, circled east, pinwheeled south, jogged north again, spun, put her left leg in...pulled her left leg out...did the hokey pokey cuz that was what it was all about...and then slammed mercilessly in into and across Central Florida, bashing the crap out of Orlando and it's surrounding cities for the 3rd time in 48 days.
Lastly, the JL4 BOOBS theory talks about KATRINA. A simplistic storm that hit south Florida with a whimper and a pout...then changed her mind and became the bitch from hell, terrorizing New Orleans as well as the Mississippi and Alabama coast lines.
Do you see the connection now? You don't?
Male storms...much as their human male counterparts while shopping at Target, get in...make a mad dash for their objective...seize it (even though a better deal in 2 inches away)...then race to get out of the store, as if being chased by a crazy clerk with a taser. (see CHARLIE and IVAN)
Female storms....quite the opposite. Take FRANCES, for example. FRANCES entered through the east coast of Florida, saw an awesome sale at Bloomingdales, stayed around for a couple extra days. When she arrived in Central Florida - specifically yuppie-strewn Winter Park - she knew it was time to have her nails done, while of course all the rain she was producing was making her hair "flat", so she needed a full perm too. After 5 grueling days, she exited by the panhandle, arms overfull with designer bags and more pairs of shoes than a man could ever use in 27 lifetimes.
As for JEAN? Ha! A navigational catastrophe, highlighted by the PMS (Post Monster Storm) rant to her spouse, "I was happy being a tropical depression, but y-y-y-y-y-ou wanted me to become a damn hurricane, you bastard! And now I'm lost because of YOU!!!!!!"
You see folks, all the meteorological - or even cometorlogical or heavenlyorlogical bodiesorlogical experts in the world - cannot derive the simplest of explanations, such as I have in my BOOBS theory. Tell me I'm mistaken, I'll talk of KATRINA. Tell me I'm crazy, and I'll cite the prepared awesomeness and mission-focused attitude of CHARLIE. It's as simple as that.
As further evidence of the BOOBS theory, look at current storm, Hurricane GUSTAV. He is making a direct and spirited run to the Gulf of Mexico....no screwing around....no squeezing the fruits in the Haitian produce section...straight to the Heavy Whipping Cream that his wife sent him to get, regardless of what the hell heavy whipping cream is and what its used for. GUSTAV could care less. And flat hair doesn't bother him either.
In theory, it's high pressure zones, warm water, and whatever else that causes the differences experienced from one storm to the next. I - for one anyways - say all that stuff is double talk.
It's BOOBS, plain and simple.
Meteorologists - a strange term, wouldn't you say? Why don't they focus on meteors instead of heat waves and thunderstorms? - well, anyway, meteorologists have given 3,765 reasons for TS FAY being so capricious and ultimately destructive, none of which match up with the JL4 Basis Of Offbeat Biometric Storming, also known by its acronym BOOBS.
Let me give you a quick refresher course. In the now-famous summer of 2004, when Florida was lashed with 4 hurricanes, the first of these, CHARLIE roared through just south of Tampa, and made a North by Northeast beeline for an exit just south of Jacksonville. CHARLIE was unfortunately deadly and destructive, but he knew what he wanted and simply got down to doing it. The fourth storm of that year, IVAN, hit the panhandle in much the same manner as CHARLIE. The problem storms that year were FRANCES and JEAN. FRANCES, obviously a prelude to 2008's FAY, was supposed to be a piss-ant storm that did no harm.
But noooooooooooooooooo, as John Belushi would say. Not this FRANCES chick.
She overstayed her welcome by nearly 132 hours, bringing on flooding of epic proportions. Hurricane JEAN was scheduled to miss everything in the country, a storm destined to die harmlessly in the northern Atlantic. Instead, JEAN circled up, circled west, circled east, pinwheeled south, jogged north again, spun, put her left leg in...pulled her left leg out...did the hokey pokey cuz that was what it was all about...and then slammed mercilessly in into and across Central Florida, bashing the crap out of Orlando and it's surrounding cities for the 3rd time in 48 days.
Lastly, the JL4 BOOBS theory talks about KATRINA. A simplistic storm that hit south Florida with a whimper and a pout...then changed her mind and became the bitch from hell, terrorizing New Orleans as well as the Mississippi and Alabama coast lines.
Do you see the connection now? You don't?
Male storms...much as their human male counterparts while shopping at Target, get in...make a mad dash for their objective...seize it (even though a better deal in 2 inches away)...then race to get out of the store, as if being chased by a crazy clerk with a taser. (see CHARLIE and IVAN)
Female storms....quite the opposite. Take FRANCES, for example. FRANCES entered through the east coast of Florida, saw an awesome sale at Bloomingdales, stayed around for a couple extra days. When she arrived in Central Florida - specifically yuppie-strewn Winter Park - she knew it was time to have her nails done, while of course all the rain she was producing was making her hair "flat", so she needed a full perm too. After 5 grueling days, she exited by the panhandle, arms overfull with designer bags and more pairs of shoes than a man could ever use in 27 lifetimes.
As for JEAN? Ha! A navigational catastrophe, highlighted by the PMS (Post Monster Storm) rant to her spouse, "I was happy being a tropical depression, but y-y-y-y-y-ou wanted me to become a damn hurricane, you bastard! And now I'm lost because of YOU!!!!!!"
You see folks, all the meteorological - or even cometorlogical or heavenlyorlogical bodiesorlogical experts in the world - cannot derive the simplest of explanations, such as I have in my BOOBS theory. Tell me I'm mistaken, I'll talk of KATRINA. Tell me I'm crazy, and I'll cite the prepared awesomeness and mission-focused attitude of CHARLIE. It's as simple as that.
As further evidence of the BOOBS theory, look at current storm, Hurricane GUSTAV. He is making a direct and spirited run to the Gulf of Mexico....no screwing around....no squeezing the fruits in the Haitian produce section...straight to the Heavy Whipping Cream that his wife sent him to get, regardless of what the hell heavy whipping cream is and what its used for. GUSTAV could care less. And flat hair doesn't bother him either.
In theory, it's high pressure zones, warm water, and whatever else that causes the differences experienced from one storm to the next. I - for one anyways - say all that stuff is double talk.
It's BOOBS, plain and simple.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Searching in vain
Casey Anthony is out of jail.
Media slut and money concubine Leonard Padilla has freed her under the insane premise he can get her to talk. It's been 5 days, and nothing - absolutely nothing - has changed.
Some seriously creepy dude named Larry Garrison (see John Mark Carr) is the appointed family spokesperson. This makes sense, since the grandparents (especially Cindy the grandmother) have made one outrageous accusation, theory, or out-and-out lie, after another, and the time had come for the family to shut their white-trash mouths.
Casey Anthony's lawyer, Jose Baez of Orlando, was quoted on "On the record", hosted by Greta Van Susteren, as saying his main responsibility going forward is to prepare for his clients defense, prep her for not communicating with anyone in the home, and other things of note. To her credit, Van Susteren confronted him with his answer, noting that he said nothing of finding the child. He quickly backtracked and said that's what he meant by "other things of note." Uh-huh. Sure. Even if it was a mere oversight on his part, why was it the 3rd thing mentioned, when everyone on the side of mother Casey says the whole idea of bailing her out was to find the child, first and foremost?
Currently, the family is operating under the premise that 3 year old Caylee was "kidnapped", even though there has been no ransom note, no evidentiary information that would even remotely indicate an abduction, and no one - not one single person - has come forth to claim the $225,000 reward for information leading to the discovery of the doe-eyed little girl.
There have been cadaver dogs from 2 different counties "alerting" to the same places in the backyard of the Anthony's home as well as the mother Casey's automobile. There is mobile phone evidence the mother was in a remote swamp near the Orlando International Airport on or about the days investigators have identified as "periods of extreme interest." The grandmother herself stated Casey's car smelled like "a dead damn body" in a 9-1-1 call, but later recanted that by insisting the smell was a Domino's Pizza Meatza's pizza, discounting her 9-1-1 call about the smell of death by saying she "was obviously mistaken due to her stress at the time." Grandma Cindy also said in sworn testimony in court that she last saw her granddaughter June 9th 2008, even though it has subsequently been determined that grandma was the person who filmed her granddaughter on June 15th during a great grandfather visit. Again in this case, grandma developed a case of amnesia and couldn't remember the filming or even if she and her granddaughter had visited great grandpa on the 15th. There are more lies and inconsistencies coming out of the mouths of the Anthony family, it's nearly as impossible to keep up with the nontruths as it is to keep up with the actual truth, which is that a precious 3 year old is and has been missing for over 2 months, and the mother has not provided one single bit of information of which authorities can use to locate the little girl. Even the most simplistic information - how Casey chose the attorney she did - is shrouded in mystery and more lies. She told family members she chose him from talking to prisoners in the initial day of jail while she was in the general population. Problem is, she was never in the general population. In other words, even information not specific to the case in any manner, is lied about. The biological father of the missing girl is also a web of lies and deceit. Grandma Cindy says he lives out of state; Casey says he was a young man named Jesus Ortiz who died in a car accident on his way to Caylee's birthday party. The dates of Mr. Ortiz' death do not coincide with Caylee's birthdate; statements from friends say "no way" to Jesus being the father; and a close inspection of the girl's features show no Hispanic lineage at all. Who is the father? No one will tell the truth here, either, and no name exists on the Birth Cert.
Lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Anything and everything that has come out of the mouths of anyone named Anthony in the past 5 weeks has proven to be empirically untrue. Amazing...simply amazing. And yet the family, the attorney, and the creepazoid spokesperson insist this "kidnapping" has occurred, despite incredibly overwhelming circumstances to the contrary.
Far be it for me to be presumptuous and say that Casey murdered her offspring, so here are some suggestions to start the as yet unstarted ball rolling towards finding the child.
Let's say Caylee and her "kidnappers" are...?
1) On a flight to Augusta Maine?
2) At Disney?
3) With her as yet unidentified biological father?
4) At the North Pole visiting Santa Claus?
5) In Yellowstone park?
6) On the blue line subway in Boston?
7) At a Braves game in Atlanta?
8) In a swamp near the airport?
9) At Zenaida Fernandez-Gonzales' house?
10) At the San Diego zoo?
11) Climbing a redwood in Northern California?
12) At one of the 12 still-open Starbucks in Seattle?
13) With Joran Van Der Sloot in Aruba?
14) In a swamp near the airport?
15.) Touring with the Rolling Stones?
16.) In Green Bay Wisconsin trying out for quarterback?
17) In Bejing as part of the closing ceremonies?
18) In a swamp near the airport?
19) With Osama Bin Laden?
20) White water rafting the Colorado River?
21) Flying in an Air Force "Hurricane Hunter" plane?
22) In a swamp near the airport?
23) Prepping in Hollywood for her made-for-TV-movie?
24) In Denver, as keynote speaker of the DNC?
25) In a swamp near the airport?
As you can clearly see, this child could be in any of 10,000,000 places. The authorities and the general public would like nothing more than to find the kid. But it has to start with the mother opening up and stating some things that are called facts. It also will entail the grandparents demanding answers from their daughter, instead of appearing on CNN or FOX to spit out their hogwash about the authorities not chasing down the family's unsubstantiated leads and fantasy world theories.
Facts. We know what those are. Evidently on a small street in East Orlando Florida, there are a half dozen or so people who don't, and we all suffer because of that.
Media slut and money concubine Leonard Padilla has freed her under the insane premise he can get her to talk. It's been 5 days, and nothing - absolutely nothing - has changed.
Some seriously creepy dude named Larry Garrison (see John Mark Carr) is the appointed family spokesperson. This makes sense, since the grandparents (especially Cindy the grandmother) have made one outrageous accusation, theory, or out-and-out lie, after another, and the time had come for the family to shut their white-trash mouths.
Casey Anthony's lawyer, Jose Baez of Orlando, was quoted on "On the record", hosted by Greta Van Susteren, as saying his main responsibility going forward is to prepare for his clients defense, prep her for not communicating with anyone in the home, and other things of note. To her credit, Van Susteren confronted him with his answer, noting that he said nothing of finding the child. He quickly backtracked and said that's what he meant by "other things of note." Uh-huh. Sure. Even if it was a mere oversight on his part, why was it the 3rd thing mentioned, when everyone on the side of mother Casey says the whole idea of bailing her out was to find the child, first and foremost?
Currently, the family is operating under the premise that 3 year old Caylee was "kidnapped", even though there has been no ransom note, no evidentiary information that would even remotely indicate an abduction, and no one - not one single person - has come forth to claim the $225,000 reward for information leading to the discovery of the doe-eyed little girl.
There have been cadaver dogs from 2 different counties "alerting" to the same places in the backyard of the Anthony's home as well as the mother Casey's automobile. There is mobile phone evidence the mother was in a remote swamp near the Orlando International Airport on or about the days investigators have identified as "periods of extreme interest." The grandmother herself stated Casey's car smelled like "a dead damn body" in a 9-1-1 call, but later recanted that by insisting the smell was a Domino's Pizza Meatza's pizza, discounting her 9-1-1 call about the smell of death by saying she "was obviously mistaken due to her stress at the time." Grandma Cindy also said in sworn testimony in court that she last saw her granddaughter June 9th 2008, even though it has subsequently been determined that grandma was the person who filmed her granddaughter on June 15th during a great grandfather visit. Again in this case, grandma developed a case of amnesia and couldn't remember the filming or even if she and her granddaughter had visited great grandpa on the 15th. There are more lies and inconsistencies coming out of the mouths of the Anthony family, it's nearly as impossible to keep up with the nontruths as it is to keep up with the actual truth, which is that a precious 3 year old is and has been missing for over 2 months, and the mother has not provided one single bit of information of which authorities can use to locate the little girl. Even the most simplistic information - how Casey chose the attorney she did - is shrouded in mystery and more lies. She told family members she chose him from talking to prisoners in the initial day of jail while she was in the general population. Problem is, she was never in the general population. In other words, even information not specific to the case in any manner, is lied about. The biological father of the missing girl is also a web of lies and deceit. Grandma Cindy says he lives out of state; Casey says he was a young man named Jesus Ortiz who died in a car accident on his way to Caylee's birthday party. The dates of Mr. Ortiz' death do not coincide with Caylee's birthdate; statements from friends say "no way" to Jesus being the father; and a close inspection of the girl's features show no Hispanic lineage at all. Who is the father? No one will tell the truth here, either, and no name exists on the Birth Cert.
Lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Anything and everything that has come out of the mouths of anyone named Anthony in the past 5 weeks has proven to be empirically untrue. Amazing...simply amazing. And yet the family, the attorney, and the creepazoid spokesperson insist this "kidnapping" has occurred, despite incredibly overwhelming circumstances to the contrary.
Far be it for me to be presumptuous and say that Casey murdered her offspring, so here are some suggestions to start the as yet unstarted ball rolling towards finding the child.
Let's say Caylee and her "kidnappers" are...?
1) On a flight to Augusta Maine?
2) At Disney?
3) With her as yet unidentified biological father?
4) At the North Pole visiting Santa Claus?
5) In Yellowstone park?
6) On the blue line subway in Boston?
7) At a Braves game in Atlanta?
8) In a swamp near the airport?
9) At Zenaida Fernandez-Gonzales' house?
10) At the San Diego zoo?
11) Climbing a redwood in Northern California?
12) At one of the 12 still-open Starbucks in Seattle?
13) With Joran Van Der Sloot in Aruba?
14) In a swamp near the airport?
15.) Touring with the Rolling Stones?
16.) In Green Bay Wisconsin trying out for quarterback?
17) In Bejing as part of the closing ceremonies?
18) In a swamp near the airport?
19) With Osama Bin Laden?
20) White water rafting the Colorado River?
21) Flying in an Air Force "Hurricane Hunter" plane?
22) In a swamp near the airport?
23) Prepping in Hollywood for her made-for-TV-movie?
24) In Denver, as keynote speaker of the DNC?
25) In a swamp near the airport?
As you can clearly see, this child could be in any of 10,000,000 places. The authorities and the general public would like nothing more than to find the kid. But it has to start with the mother opening up and stating some things that are called facts. It also will entail the grandparents demanding answers from their daughter, instead of appearing on CNN or FOX to spit out their hogwash about the authorities not chasing down the family's unsubstantiated leads and fantasy world theories.
Facts. We know what those are. Evidently on a small street in East Orlando Florida, there are a half dozen or so people who don't, and we all suffer because of that.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
TS Fay
New Warnings, Watches For Fay
Tropical Storm FAY is expected to hit Florida early Tuesday, which could bring on school cancellations for Monday thru Wednesday, which is the opening week of studies. JL4 news' investigative journalists have uncovered the fact that ten's of students will be upset at missing the first 3 days of the school year.
"No shit, really?", said 2nd grader Ashli Tompson of Bithlo, Florida. "That's fucking awesome", said 4th grader Nick Miller of Orlando.
Governor Charlie Crist, who's brother, Jesus Crist, works for the National Weather Service, declared Florida to be in an official state of emergency early this morning. In a statement from the statehouse steps in Tallahassee (a seminole indian word meaning: three t-shirts, 10 dollah) Governor Crist calmly gave his warning to west coast residents by saying, in part:
"Get the hell outta there before you all get killed! This is the real deal, a complete no shit sherlock situation! Pack up the kids and the dogs, and get going now!"
He then asked everyone to remain calm and keep their radio's tuned for more information.
Tropical Storm FAY is expected to hit Florida early Tuesday, which could bring on school cancellations for Monday thru Wednesday, which is the opening week of studies. JL4 news' investigative journalists have uncovered the fact that ten's of students will be upset at missing the first 3 days of the school year.
"No shit, really?", said 2nd grader Ashli Tompson of Bithlo, Florida. "That's fucking awesome", said 4th grader Nick Miller of Orlando.
Governor Charlie Crist, who's brother, Jesus Crist, works for the National Weather Service, declared Florida to be in an official state of emergency early this morning. In a statement from the statehouse steps in Tallahassee (a seminole indian word meaning: three t-shirts, 10 dollah) Governor Crist calmly gave his warning to west coast residents by saying, in part:
"Get the hell outta there before you all get killed! This is the real deal, a complete no shit sherlock situation! Pack up the kids and the dogs, and get going now!"
He then asked everyone to remain calm and keep their radio's tuned for more information.
TS Fay
The latest cones of probability for soon-to-be hurricane FAY have been released by the National Weather Service. Jim Cantore of the weather channel predicts the storm will be "stronger than 1 hour after you serve a husband chilli dogs", which has caused panic and mayhem in the streets of Yahoobajoo, Florida. Yahoobajoo, the southernmost city of Redneck Junction County, is under an emergency evacuation notice, but none of the residents fled until the word "evacuation" was subsequently re-worded to state, "Gitchee goin".
CONE OF PROBABILITY #1 (EXACT SCIENCE)
CONE OF PROBABILITY #2
(A MARGINAL GUESS)
CONE OF PROBABILITY #1 (EXACT SCIENCE)
CONE OF PROBABILITY #2
(A MARGINAL GUESS)
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Here she comes
Honestly....we've been waiting four years for you.
From JL4 News:
Tropical Storm FAY will soon become a hurricane, and like all the scorned liberal women who preceded her, she will make a beeline for Florida, bringing death, destruction, and broken lives and homes with her.
The cone of probability (pictured) has the hurricane entering Florida in an illegal immigrant suburb south of Tampa, running through several gang-banger controlled areas of Orlando, and finally exiting through the "Port of Cocaine" in Jacksonville.
Fay, who started out as a tropical wave then developed into a full-flegged standing ovation, is the 2nd named storm of the year. Previously, tropical storm Herbert got a face full of pimples and eventually became a depression, fizzling out faster than a guy named Eugene at the sophomore dance.
Stay tuned for updates on the storm, as well as an hour-long special on the missing Caylee Anthony case: "Crimes, Lies, and Grandparents...missing children and circumstantial Alzheimer's, a new American phenomenon."
Monday, August 04, 2008
The Invisible Woman
The Orange County (FLA) Sheriff's Department has released composite sketches of the mysterious invisible woman, alleged nanny Zenaida Fernandez-Gonzales. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of this person - real or imagined - call the Florida Tips Line at 1-800-Mom-Lies.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
10 years ago. How could I have been such an idiot?
Boy, we sure were stupid 10 years ago, weren't we? I struggled with "Naive" and "Stupid', and I finally decided the latter had more impact. Al Quaeda simultaneously bombed 3 African embassies, and our administration lobbed a couple of loose Cruise Missiles.
Problem solved, right?
A kid from Plano Texas was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He survived a germ cell tumor that metastasized to his brain and lungs, in 1996. His cancer treatments included brain and testicular surgery and extensive chemotherapy, and his prognosis was originally poor. Prior to the cancer, he was an unknown professional cyclist ranked 47th in the world. Unknown because in the U.S., no one did, or does now, give a rats-ass about cycling. Europeans do...not us. But suddenly this mediocre competitor nearly dies, and the end result is in 1998 he begins his quest to become the greatest cyclist ever.
And we never once then....nor do we now question...how a man could lose a ball, lose dozens of pounds of muscular tissue, go through the rigors of chemo and radiation, then somehow magically not only increase his international standing 48 places to number 1...he increased it even further by becoming the greatest cyclist ever. Europeans, not only enamored with the sport, but keenly aware of its decades-long history of being the dope and chemical sports factory of the universe, cried "foul" again and again. We here in America heralded him and said little pithy things like, "Hey. He has some really neat yellow wrist-bands."
And then it happened. Baseball - very American and not even the slightest European - found a couple of guys: Mark "I'm not here to talk about the past" McGuire, and Sammy "Sorry. I no speakee dee Englee" Sosa to awake the sleeping hoards unhappy since the labor strike and subsequent cancelled World Series of 1994. We watched in blissful obliviousness a home-run race that turned out in retrospect to make the Black Sox scandal of 1918 akin to your 5th grader leaning over to cheat off her neighbor on a spelling test in comparison. Although never tested, these two gentlemen McGuire (70 home runs) and Sosa (66 home runs) put on a chemically-induced show that took us 7 years to fully understand. In the 2005 Congressional hearings, both Sosa and McGuire forever put themselves in a box that they will find almost impossible to extricate themselves from during future Hall of Fame induction ballots.
These two who seemingly took baseball a notch forward ultimately turned out to take the game backwards 10 steps. Will anyone ever forget those hearings, with Sosa suddenly unable to speak or understand English? An English that sounded just fine when he was making those million dollar Pepsi commercials, by the way. Then there was the upstanding Mr. McGuire, who stated to congressmen repeatedly, "I'm not here to talk about the past," which interestingly enough, was the friggin point of the whole inquiry...to talk about the damn past so we could fix the future!
So we continue to wear our "Livestrong" bracelets, deny the implications - if not the whole act - of 9-11, marvel at the feats of swimmers, football players, runners, and baseball players, the whole while acting as if we didn't see another runner, high-jumper, or diver banned from the upcoming China Olympics because of a positive doping incident, some of them sadly - American athletes.
Well...not me. I can no longer claim my innocence as an excuse. I refuse to acknowledge the 1996-2000 four-time Yankees World Series Championships, when I see in the Mitchell Report 78% of the Yankees roster in those years was implicated in the steroids investigation. You won't find me looking at an amazing athletic feat ever again, without wanting to stand there with a specimen bottle in my hand, saying: "That was awesome, Mr. Ramirez. Now, can I get you to pee in this for me?"
Nope. Not me. You may have fooled me in 1998, but in 2008 I'm a lot smarter than I once was. And it was you athletes who made me that way. So you can continue to Livestrong if you want to.
You're not kidding me.
Problem solved, right?
A kid from Plano Texas was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He survived a germ cell tumor that metastasized to his brain and lungs, in 1996. His cancer treatments included brain and testicular surgery and extensive chemotherapy, and his prognosis was originally poor. Prior to the cancer, he was an unknown professional cyclist ranked 47th in the world. Unknown because in the U.S., no one did, or does now, give a rats-ass about cycling. Europeans do...not us. But suddenly this mediocre competitor nearly dies, and the end result is in 1998 he begins his quest to become the greatest cyclist ever.
And we never once then....nor do we now question...how a man could lose a ball, lose dozens of pounds of muscular tissue, go through the rigors of chemo and radiation, then somehow magically not only increase his international standing 48 places to number 1...he increased it even further by becoming the greatest cyclist ever. Europeans, not only enamored with the sport, but keenly aware of its decades-long history of being the dope and chemical sports factory of the universe, cried "foul" again and again. We here in America heralded him and said little pithy things like, "Hey. He has some really neat yellow wrist-bands."
And then it happened. Baseball - very American and not even the slightest European - found a couple of guys: Mark "I'm not here to talk about the past" McGuire, and Sammy "Sorry. I no speakee dee Englee" Sosa to awake the sleeping hoards unhappy since the labor strike and subsequent cancelled World Series of 1994. We watched in blissful obliviousness a home-run race that turned out in retrospect to make the Black Sox scandal of 1918 akin to your 5th grader leaning over to cheat off her neighbor on a spelling test in comparison. Although never tested, these two gentlemen McGuire (70 home runs) and Sosa (66 home runs) put on a chemically-induced show that took us 7 years to fully understand. In the 2005 Congressional hearings, both Sosa and McGuire forever put themselves in a box that they will find almost impossible to extricate themselves from during future Hall of Fame induction ballots.
These two who seemingly took baseball a notch forward ultimately turned out to take the game backwards 10 steps. Will anyone ever forget those hearings, with Sosa suddenly unable to speak or understand English? An English that sounded just fine when he was making those million dollar Pepsi commercials, by the way. Then there was the upstanding Mr. McGuire, who stated to congressmen repeatedly, "I'm not here to talk about the past," which interestingly enough, was the friggin point of the whole inquiry...to talk about the damn past so we could fix the future!
So we continue to wear our "Livestrong" bracelets, deny the implications - if not the whole act - of 9-11, marvel at the feats of swimmers, football players, runners, and baseball players, the whole while acting as if we didn't see another runner, high-jumper, or diver banned from the upcoming China Olympics because of a positive doping incident, some of them sadly - American athletes.
Well...not me. I can no longer claim my innocence as an excuse. I refuse to acknowledge the 1996-2000 four-time Yankees World Series Championships, when I see in the Mitchell Report 78% of the Yankees roster in those years was implicated in the steroids investigation. You won't find me looking at an amazing athletic feat ever again, without wanting to stand there with a specimen bottle in my hand, saying: "That was awesome, Mr. Ramirez. Now, can I get you to pee in this for me?"
Nope. Not me. You may have fooled me in 1998, but in 2008 I'm a lot smarter than I once was. And it was you athletes who made me that way. So you can continue to Livestrong if you want to.
You're not kidding me.
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