"JOHNNY! YOU GIT YER *** OVER HERE NOW!!!

I did something this evening I hate doing. I needed to buy some modeling clay for my son's school project, some dog food for my starving mutt, and some other random odds and ends. Being an American male, I wanted the shopping trip to be fast and easy, so I went against my better judgment and entered a place where I knew I could get all these things in 1 stop.

WalMart.

We have 1 week here in the Orlando area that is called "Click it or ticket". It has to do with the police enforcing the seatbelt laws. I've some news for them. Income a little low at the Sheriff's Dept this month? Send two officers down to the WalMart parking lot and you'll collect a years worth of revenue in one afternoon. 8 out of 10 hubcapless 1976 Datsun's and still-crumpled-from-the-17-accidents vans have drivers and passengers without their seatbelts on. And that's not even bringing into account the fact that 30% of those drivers look at 5:40 pm like they just woke up from a 4-day drunk...or are still in the middle of one.

I must have missed the sign at the entrance, but apparently it's ok when you're in there to yell at the top of your voice two aisles over to your kids or your shopping partner. "Do ya thaank cuzin Marvin would like this rocket propelled skateboard, Earl?"

"Billy!! Billy!!!! Put yer damn sister down for a secund and git over here. I'm NOT TELLIN' YOU AGIN, BOY!!"

Ahhhh...where America shops.

Let me ask you a question. Is their a weight minimum for admittance into this store? I'm between 6-1 and 6-2 and weigh about 195, and I'll be damned if I didn't look like I needed to eat some more. In comparison, I must have looked downright famished. Speaking of comparisons by degree, when in there I quickly realized intellectually I was Stephen Hawking in a Red Sox cap, and by virtue of the fact that I wasn't completely transfixed by the singing bass mounted on the wooden plaque, I must have appeared to be a friggin' Rhodes Scholar or the Crown Prince of Pango Pango.

There was one more rule I was apparently unaware of. Once inside, I guess it's ok to let your kids run free wherever they want like it's a public park or something. I see more 4 and 5 year olds - dirty faces with clothing to match - wandering free in WalMart than in a typical school playground. If I were a pedophile predator in there, I would think I'd hit the motherload. You could scarf one of these unaccompanied children up and be half way to the Neverland Ranch before mom and dad - dancing to the rhythmic sounds of the stuffed monkey standing on a large branch singing "TREE times a lady" - even knew you were gone.

We need to bring Osama over here for a side trip to the local WalMart. I think we could change his mind about wanting to destroy us. He'd soon realize we're doing quite well bringing it down all by ourselves.