The news o' the day

26 July 2006

In the news today:

Lance Bass of N'Sync says he's gay. Here's the deal with this one. You have a guy who is part of a band that doesn't even perform any more, correct? I for one had no idea who he was, and didn't know anything about him until today's fascinating news story. How sad is that? Four years after their last appearance as a band, and most people are hearing about this guy for the first time, and it's this. News? I think not.

Andrea Yates is pronounced insane and "not guilty". Insane? Absolutely. The thing with a not guilty verdict is it is the same verdict that an accused murderer would get if they found out halfway through the trial that someone else actually did it. In this case, we know she did it. Not guilty? Not hardly...Guilty as all hell.

Indiana teen accused of fatal sniper shootings said he only did it to relieve pressure. Hey, I can't fault him here. Some people play golf, some people have a glass of wine or two, and some people go on a blind shooting spree. I see no harm in that. They should just let him go now that he feels better.

N.J. Stripper on the lamb. Stripper Linda Kay of New Jersey skipped her court hearing today. Apparently, she kept 6 human skulls and a human hand in mason jars in her home. Think that's bizarre? Keep reading. Bizarro #1: She was charged with improperly disposing of human remains. Riiiiight. Bizarro #2: She was a stripper at a juice bar. Juice bars have strippers? According to the news, the crack Plainfield NJ police department was investigating the origin's of the body parts. Wow! Can't get anything past those guys.

U.S. rejects proposal to kill wolves in Wyoming. Instead, Feds would rather shoot cats in Florida. Easy - Easy PETA people...that's a joke. I meant dogs.

Matthew McConaughey admits he's gay. Ha! Just kidding. He's not gay; he's just stupid.

Hispanic Lawmaker Blasts English Proposal. Congress' standoff over immigration legislation flared into emotional rhetoric Wednesday over a House proposal to make English the nation's official language. A Hispanic lawmaker said that was "code for official discrimination." I - like millions of others - was under the impression that English was the official language of the U.S., but evidently it is not. Rumor has it that Swahili, Persian-Farsi, Spanish, Esperonto and Klingon are the front-runners to assume the official designation in 2007.

Anheuser-Busch quarterly profit tops estimate. And they would like to thank all the rednecks everywhere for keeping the Budweiser label sharp, even if those drinking it aren't necessarily the same.

AOL Co-Founder Offers Merger Apology. AOL co-founder Steve Case has offered a qualified apology for his role in architecting the online company's disastrous combination with Time Warner Inc. "Yes, I'm sorry I did it," Case said on PBS's "The Charlie Rose Show" last Friday. "I thought for sure I would meet more chicks and actually go out on my first non-976 number date, but it didn't happen".

NY Times. The New York Times reported today it has been nearly 8 months since the last time any of their reporters made up stories and quotes or plagiarized anything. They did say that they heard President George Bush once pooped his drawers after supposedly successfully completing potty-pants training, but their sources for this story were being protected under the provisions of both the First and the Fourth Amendments.

G.M. Reports a $3.1 Billion Loss. General Motors said today that it lost $3.1 billion over-all during the second quarter and continued to lose money in its North American operations, the focus of a turnaround effort by its chief executive, Rick Wagoner. Fortunately for Mr. Wagoner, Budweiser sales are flying, so he should have no problem locating some brew to drown his sorrows tonight.

Hussein Says He Prefers Firing Squad. Saddam Hussein, looking healthy despite a hunger strike the led him to be fed with a tube, said today that he had been forced to attend his own trial, and that if he is convicted, he preferred to be shot, not hanged. Yeah well Saddam my man, courts are picky that way with respect to attendance. They really prefer the defendants show up. As far as your preference, either one is fine with me.

Sports: Barry Bonds head expands again. Barry Bonds, professing his innocence as far as steroid use is concerned, had his head measured for a new cap today. The 434 inch circumference is reputed to be the largest in human history.

And finally.....a new show on the WB Network for the fall of 2006. "Queer Eye for the Designer Clothing guy's American Idols Group Dancing with the Stars because what happens in Vegas...stays in Vegas, metrosexual fear-factor competition". It promises to be reality TV at it's all-time best, and you won't want to miss a second of it.

Gert Jonnys, the pre-show favorite to
take the top prize.