Hurricane Terminology

We here in Florida are about 24 hours or less from experiencing our 7th or 8th landfall hurricane since the summer of 2004. As a public service to those unaware, I've come up with a glossary of terms so that you too can be as informed as we are:

Advisory: Official information issued by Tropical Cyclone warning centers describing the current conditions and projected forecasts. Also, it's when the attorney leans over and whispers in his client's ear, and then the client says, "I have no recollection of that incident, Senator".

Best Track: A subjectively smoothed path, versus a precise a very erratic fix-to-fix path, based on an assessment of all available data. Best track can also be when you identify "Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding" on Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" CD.

Center: The vertical axis or core of a tropical cyclone, or the tallest dude on the basketball team.

Center/Vortex Fix: The geographical location of the center of a tropical or subtropical cyclone. Also when a vortex addict finally gets the vortex he's been looking for all morning.

Eye: The relatively calm center of a tropical cyclone. Sometimes known in nautical terms as the word "yes". Originated in Scotland with the phrase, "Aye laddie". And remember, there is no "eye" or "aye" in t-e-a-m.

Gale Warning: A warning of 1-minute sustained winds of 39-63 mph, or when your mother-in-law Gale is about to go absolutely bonkers because she found out you quit med school to become a Buddhist Monk.

High Wind Warning: When the wife makes chili dogs and then discovers the family is out of "Beano".

Hurricane Watch: Hurricane watches are usually sold on QVC, but occasionally they can be found in fine jewelry stores.

Hurricane Warning: "Look out! The friggin' hurricane is right over there!!"

Present Movement: The best estimate of a hurricane's movement, at times related the the High Wind Warning and those damn chili dogs.

Tropical Depression: A tropical cyclone where the wind is approximately 33 mph or less; usually treated with Tropical Xanex or 3 hours of that bald, fat bastard Phil.

Whaddaphuk: The primary words uttered by the male in the household when viewing someone from the Weather Channel or local television standing on the beach in a yellow slicker telling everyone they shouldn't be standing on the beach.

Uses:
"Whaddaphuk is that idiot doing?"
"Waddaphuk do you think is wrong with this guy?"
"Whaddaphuk will he do if a stop sign sticks in his chest at 135 mph?"

And that about rounds it out folks. Stay tuned, the circus is about to start.