News

In an attempt to lower the outrageous tax structure and simplify the conflicting laws, New England will now be known as Massaconnesoximont. They completely eliminated Maine because no one actually lives there, and Rhode Island is really Connecticut "east", after all.

A singer was tossed off the show "Rock Star - Supernova" for having too few tattoos and only 7 facial and mouth piercings. No, I made that one up. But the Massaconnesoximont story is true.

A new experimental vaccine to prevent obesity may become available to the public someday. Evidently taking the friggin' feedbag off is no longer an acceptable preventive measure. This story, although 100% true, was on line at MSN.com Health and Fitness. Let me get this straight: The health and fitness section is now showing obese overeaters how to cure their problems with a syringe? What is healthy and fit about that?

Also from MSNBC: ANXIETY OVER HURRICANE SEASON. And the media, in its never-ending quest to be a public service, follows that article with EAST COAST OVERDUE FOR KILLER HURRICANE. Ahhhhh. Nothing like easing that anxiety with a feel-good article.

In sports, Justin Gatlin - the holder of the title "world's fastest man" - tested positive for increased testosterone in his system. His lawyer said yesterday that Gatlin's masseuse used a testosterone based oil when performing a massage. It was later reported that the masseuse flew home on a pig that was being piloted by Elvis and JFK, and that they guy in the photo at the top of the WTC was actually John Lennon.

Tropical Storm Chris, the 3rd named storm of the year, has television news and weather people scrambling to buy airfare to the Southeastern United States and Puerto Rico. Everyone wants to be on the beach while the wind is whipping 158 mph, so they can tell us to "Get off the beach; it's unsafe". The worst thing? TV networks actually pay these mental midgets, which makes those hiring and programming this stuff even dumber. The minute I see Joe Imbecile with an on the scene report, I can't get to the remote fast enough to turn the channel off. And I'm not alone.

LONDON Jockey Paul O'Neill apologized Tuesday for head-butting his horse at a race last weekend. The Horseracing Regulatory Authority is holding an inquiry after reviewing TV footage of the incident at the Stratford races on Sunday, July 23rd 2006. "I would just like to say to the public that I'm very sorry they had to see such a thing," O'Neill said in a written statement. Apparently the horse could not be reached for comment.

In an Independence Mo. trial on-going right now, defendant Melinda Abell said she cannot remember how a cell phone ended up in her throat. The phone had to be surgically removed at the time of the incident. Marlon Brando Gill [yeah, I know...I know. I swear I didn't make that up] said he was not guilty of shoving the phone down her throat. He said she was trying to keep him from seeing who she called and swallowed it intentionally. Yes, there was great deal of alcohol involved, and neither the defendant nor the accused has better than 20% recollectionn of the specifics of the incident. I'll say one thing...they've both lost my vote for "Couple of the Year".

Great Britain has developed a form of the board game Monopoly where the money is handled with a debit card. No paper...just slide your card. "Go to jail...go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not stop to listen to your MP3 player, do not go near Paris and Nicole Blvd, and pay your bail with a non-refundable certified postal money order". There; that outta keep the little buggers confused and occupied for a few extra hours. Tea anyone?

AND FINALLY:

The U.S. government's crackdown on media indecency could prevent World War II veterans from sharing their stories in an upcoming TV documentary series by Ken Burns, the head of the Public Broadcasting Service said Wednesday. Noted filmmaker Burns' highly anticipated seven-part series "The War" features salty language used by servicemen and others. If the expletives make it to air, they could lead to crippling fines for the offending stations as a result of a new law signed last month by President Bush. Paula Kerger, the president and CEO of PBS, told reporters at a media event in Pasadena, Calif., that she was reluctant to bleep the words out, because that would diminish the impact of the documentary. Airing the film after 10 p.m., when the new rules do not apply, would reduce the available audience, she said.

Hey...War is H-E 2 sticks, you know.