Do You Remember?

Back when MTV (music televistion) did something weird. They showed "music video's".

I knooooooow. I never knew either!

Moving Pictures - What About Me? (1982)

From the past...a seldom recognized good one.

Keys to success

In my opinion, there are 5 keys to success, whether that be as a parent, a supervisor, a neighbor, or just a regular Jane or Joe on the street.

1. Never ask anyone to do anything you wouldn't do yourself.

2. Lend physical assistance where possible, and moral support at all times. Criticize sparingly, and never let your praise pouch become empty.

3. Ask much more of yourself than you ever would another person. If your individual standards are low, how can you expect anyone around you to rise higher?

4. Give a shit.

5. Recognize there are people smarter, faster, wealthier, and better than you are. There are also those beneath you, in the same categories. In any case, just don't be an asshole about either of them.

That's it. Work your own magic on these 5, and the rest is Banana Bread.

C'mon everybody! You all know the words to the song...

Start spreadin' the news.
I'm leaving today.
I want to be a part of it...

Sing it blue eyes...sing it!

Across The universe - Let It Be

If you like the Beetles, and you have not seen the movie "Across the Universe", you're missing out.

Pondering...

Have you ever thought if there were a bunch of dyslexic christian rock singers, how many songs about "Dog" there would be?

Is it considered rude to "sign" with your hands full?

Have any aliens ever formed "crop squares" ?

If a man dies of a heart attack 2 seconds before they throw the electric chair switch, what will happen when they do?

What do you call an earthquake on another planet?

When the sign-makers union goes on strike, what do they hold up in front of the headquarters?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Ever seen a donkey in the game "Donkey Kong"?

Do people who stutter do so when thinking?

If Luke Skywalker used his light saber under water, would it refract?

Can you "stare off into earth" when you're in space?

Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?'

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, would that be a hostage situation?

I'm just askin'...

Famous 9-1-1 calls

"Uh hello, 9-1-1, this is Casey Anthony. I'd like a Hawaiian Pizza... Oh Snap! I mean, my daughter, Caylee, she's like been missing, for like, 31 days, and like I'm sooooo bummed, you know. Like out of my freakin' mind, that, like I think, I like left her with this babysitter, Zabmida-Dakinda Lopez...or maybe it was Frederica-Umatilla Gamez. No, no...wait...it's...it's...Zackmeela-Hernandez Dominguez...."
"Oh forget it, could you just bring me the pizza? Call Lee and Cindy to get the scoop on that other shit about the kid..they can tell you about it."

"Is this 9-1-1? It is? Good. This is General George A Custer up in Sioux City S.D., and I shit you not- there are a butt-load of Indians comin' this way, and I don't think there's a sale at 'Pelts-R-Us' or anything. You got a few men you could send this way?"

"9-1-1? This is the juice...you know, OJ? I was out chipping golf balls in my backyard this evening about 2 am, when this white dude threw a bloody glove over my fence and put a couple of my socks with blood on them in my master bedroom. (Pause) How do I know this? I'm sorry, I think the connection is bad...hello?...hello?"

"9-1-1? Yeah, this is Alec Baldwin, you officious little yellow pig! You are so selfish, answering other people's calls ahead of mine. I'll bet your mother is behind this you fucking little bitch!!"

"Well hello, 9-1-1. This is Al Gore, and ...hee hee...I just ate 5 Big Mac's and released a ton of Brown-House gases. You might want to detail a Haz-Mat team to Central Tennessee."

"Good evening, 4-1-1. This is George Dubbya. Uh, huh. Yup. You got the number to Gorby? What? Nine one one? Hey, can't a guy make a mistake? (Pause) Up yours too!"

"Hey 9-1-1?!!!? Wanna hear something really funny? They just released the DNA reports from one portion of the crime scene, but they exonerated me for everything!! (Pause) I know, it's REALLY stupid. There were 5 major places in the crime, and they only cleared me of the one, yet they closed the book on me! Fuckin' awesome, dude. (Pause) My name? Oh...my bad...Patsy...P-a-t-s-y..."

Gimme back my money!!!

Bill's "Human Pinball Machine" was a big success until customers discovered they lost two quarters they couldn't get back.

My name is Iningo Montoya...prepare to die

"You idiot! I said, 'head cheese on lox', not Ed Sneed in stocks."

Bad ticker

So, explain to me what happened to Akeed?

Yes, Sultan. He was re-wiring his wristwatch, and it exploded, killing him and four friends.

They sure don't make watches like they used to, do they?

wow

The much ballyhooed, "Let your wife take the helm day" at the Southside Marina ran into a snag or two yesterday.

Decline

2008 Yankee playoff ticket sales have noticeably declined recently. Susan Steinbrenner, public relations manager for the team, attributes the drop in sales to the fact that the Yankees actually won't be in the playoffs this year, but she's still "hopeful for an upsurge in sales in the coming weeks, regardless."

Aaaah. We were something then, weren't we?

Yankees recall glory days of last Tuesday.

Homes

CENTEX, the third largest home builder in the United States, has recently defended it's selection of Sub-aqua Island, Louisiana as it's premier development site. CENTEX spokesperson Mandi Shootsbein-Heinloffer said yesterday, "We truly believed the Indian folklore that "sub-aqua" meant a lighter shade of blue, and we had no idea it had anything to do with water."

70%-ers

This is an actual recanting of an interview between a local reporter and a Galveston, Texas resident who did not evacuate for Hurricane Ike. This interview has been played on national media outlets since its inception, last night.

Reporter: Why didn't you evacuate with the 2.7 million others?

Man: Weelp, ya see me and my brother figgered we wasn't gonna git hit bout a day and a half ago, so we stayed.

Reporter: But they've been tracking IKE for 16 days, at least 5 of which had the storm coming directly at you. Haven't you been watching the news?

Man: Yup, we know, but we don't hardly put alot of trust in the gub-ment.

Reporter: I see. So what are you going to do?

Man: Weelp, we gased up the trucks, gots a good generator, bouts 35 gallons of gas fer it, and plenty of beer.

Now, I have always, always, always, always said...and you can ask my friends...

...both of them...

...wait. One of them died 3 years ago.

Okay. You can ask my friend...if I don't always, always, always, always say this:

When you have a Category 4 hurricane with 130+ mph winds, 27" of rain, tornadoes, and 14 to 18 foot storm surge bearing down on your ass, the most important thing of all is to ensure your alcohol supply is 3 to 5 times larger than your survival provisions. Most people don't know this, but the more liquored up you get during a natural catastrophe, the more precise your decision making abilities will be...the more panther-like your physical responses will be....to that 7-foot wall of water coming down that dirt road towards your single wide.

And so Tex, to both you and your Rhodes Scholar brother, all I can say is:

"This Buuds fer yoo"

MSNBC

An obviously angry Keith Olbermann was taken off as the anchor for MSNBC's election night coverage team in November. Sources say Olbermann was pissed that Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska had consistently one-upped Olberman in the spectacle style department, which has left the metro-sexual commentator in somewhat of a tizzy. Olbermann blamed President Bush for this in a monologue given by him last Tuesday, called, "Mr. President," which had viewers confused, since every monologue for the past 2,347 days has been called, "Mr. President."

News from Baseball

Although both have been either officially or "un"offically retired from baseball in 2008, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds still manage to make headlines.

Sources at JL4 News have obtained never-before disclosed documents that show at the 2004 All-Star game Clemens and Bonds both injected themselves with the self-absorbed-officious-prick-hormone, "Anabolicum Mephirst".

The other day

I was thinking the other day, when suddenly it hit me.

What the fuck am I doing thinking?

The end.

BOOBS

It seems the BOOBS theory has panned out as correct - once again.

As IKE streaks across the Gulf of Mexico, JOSEPHINE...well...JOSEPHINE is best described by Bruce Springsteen:

Well she jumped up, turned around,
spit in the air, fell on the ground.
Asked him which was the way back home.
He said take a right at the light, keep goin' straight until night,
and then girl, you're on your own.

And now in Zanzibar a shootin' star
was ridin' in a side car
hummin' a lunar tune.
Yes, and the avatar said blow the bar
but first remove the cookie jar
we're gonna teach those boys to laugh too soon.

And some kidnapped handicap was complainin'
that he caught the clap
from some mousetrap
he bought last night.

Well I unsnapped his skull cap
and between his ears
I saw a gap
but figured he'd be all right.

Cuz she was just blinded by the light...


BOOBS

Try it fpr yourself

TS Hanna cannot make up her mind if she wants to be a TS or a Hurricane, and we're not even going to cover her changes in direction 4 times in the past 30 hours. These are not minor shifts, mind you. These changes go from South Florida to North Carolina to Savannah Ga, and now Daytona Beach in North Central Florida.

I guarrantee she made her husband move that damn piano 4 different times after they got their first apartment.

In any event, the JL4 BOOBS theory once again holds true. Male named storms go straight to the task, while female named storms have more moves than Michael Jackson at a boy scout jamboree.

But don't listen to me. Do your own leg work. TS Ike and TS Josephine are out there forming now. Watch them.

BOOBS = Basis Of Offbeat Biometric Storming