70%-ers

This is an actual recanting of an interview between a local reporter and a Galveston, Texas resident who did not evacuate for Hurricane Ike. This interview has been played on national media outlets since its inception, last night.

Reporter: Why didn't you evacuate with the 2.7 million others?

Man: Weelp, ya see me and my brother figgered we wasn't gonna git hit bout a day and a half ago, so we stayed.

Reporter: But they've been tracking IKE for 16 days, at least 5 of which had the storm coming directly at you. Haven't you been watching the news?

Man: Yup, we know, but we don't hardly put alot of trust in the gub-ment.

Reporter: I see. So what are you going to do?

Man: Weelp, we gased up the trucks, gots a good generator, bouts 35 gallons of gas fer it, and plenty of beer.

Now, I have always, always, always, always said...and you can ask my friends...

...both of them...

...wait. One of them died 3 years ago.

Okay. You can ask my friend...if I don't always, always, always, always say this:

When you have a Category 4 hurricane with 130+ mph winds, 27" of rain, tornadoes, and 14 to 18 foot storm surge bearing down on your ass, the most important thing of all is to ensure your alcohol supply is 3 to 5 times larger than your survival provisions. Most people don't know this, but the more liquored up you get during a natural catastrophe, the more precise your decision making abilities will be...the more panther-like your physical responses will be....to that 7-foot wall of water coming down that dirt road towards your single wide.

And so Tex, to both you and your Rhodes Scholar brother, all I can say is:

"This Buuds fer yoo"