Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Funeral Protests


Demonstrators will be barred from disrupting military funerals at national cemeteries under legislation approved by Congress and sent to the White House Wednesday The measure, passed by voice vote in the House hours after the Senate passed an amended version, specifically targets a Kansas church group that has staged protests at military funerals around the country, claiming that the deaths were a sign of God's anger at U.S. tolerance of homosexuals. The act "will protect the sanctity of all 122 of our national cemeteries as shrines to their gallant dead," Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., said prior to the Senate vote. "It's a sad but necessary measure to protect what should be recognized by all reasonable people as a solemn, private and deeply sacred occasion," he said.

Unfortunately excluded from the bill was the provision that law abiding, compassionate citizens would have free reign to kick the ever-loving shit out of anyone who dared protest at any funeral, let alone a military one.

Ok...I made that last part up, but it sure sounded good...didn't it?

Monday, May 29, 2006

Memorial Day 2006



Since it's Memorial Day, make sure you do what 98% of American's do...grill hamburgers and go to the beach cuz it's a Monday off!!!

I wonder what this guy trudging his way across some long-forgotten hell in Italy would think of that?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Awesome

Once again, God has proven that terrorists can't do as well as he can when he puts his mind to it.

Can you stop it? No

Can you contain it? No

Then I guess HE does have the upper hand on these kinds of things.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Old

You know you're getting old when...

  • You mention Babe Ruth and your kid asks you, "They still make that candy bar?"
  • You listen to talk radio more than regular radio
  • You think you should be hosting the talk radio show
  • You sprain your ankle reaching for the toilet paper
  • You put your glasses on so you can see
  • You take your glasses off so you can eat or read
  • You have no idea where the hell your glasses are
  • You discover you're wearing them
  • Sexy underwear is anything with color
  • You stopped watching the 10 pm news because it was waaaaaay past your bedtime
  • You wonder why McDonald's hasn't caught on to the "senior menu" idea yet
  • At breakfast, something snaps, crackles, and pops, but you're eating French toast
  • I dawns on you that eating Hot Pockets has the same symptoms as the bird flu
  • You stop doing everything that is bad, but you still feel like crap
  • You can't seem to recall when your memory started failing
  • You say things like, "Nowadays"...a lot
  • You try to justify your position by saying, "50 years old is different than it once was"
  • You ask your kid to turn down the music while you turn up the volume on the T.V.
  • You stopped watching the 7 am weather because it was waaaaay before you awoke
  • Flea markets are cool
  • You say, "I remember when", but the story cuts off because you really can't
  • A HUGE party is held at your house, and no one in the neighborhood notices
  • You get called 'mister' more times than you would prefer

You're getting even older when...

  • Your kids are close to moving away, and suddenly it's not as good an idea as you once thought it was

Manny Rummy? Rummy Manny?

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that this man....



And this man....

Are never in the same place at the same time? Coincidence? I think not!

Manny, is that you?

Rummy, are you in there?

Pregnant...again

Well...according to the tabloids Britney Spears is pregnant again, proof that God does have a sense of humor.

That means two more kids growing up and talking to the media with riveting phrases such as...

"You know...like I was sooooo excited about my new purse you know, because it had...like...flowers and stuff, and it...like....wasn't...like...made in...like Taiwan by, you know, little...like...kids and stuff" "You know?"

Yeah...we...like...know.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Dinosaurs and us

There are three theories why the Dinosaur's became extinct:

1) A huge asteroid fell somewhere near the Yucatan Peninsula, causing an ice age and killing off everything except Keith Richards.

2) The Dinosaurs ate themselves out of house and home. When the food ran out, so did their time.

3) O.J. Simpson killed them.

I tend to agree with theory number 1 about the asteroid, but theory number 2 has validity as well. Dinosaurs were consumers, and consumers....well...consume.

Everything.

Until there is nothing.

It was several billion years later that the next species of consumers came along, and that of course is us. Not consumers in a she's a trophy-bride driving a Lincoln Navigator and if she can't go to Tiffany's, then there will be hell to pay kind of consumer.

Nope. We are energy consumers. Have been, will continue to be, and eventually we'll run out of it like our predecessors the Triceratops and his friends may or may not have, depending upon whether you believe theory 1, 2, or 3. In any case, we certainly DO have a problem, and you can't blame this one on Dubya. In my lifetime, I can remember every President going back to Richard M. Nixon seated in his chair at the White House, television camera's rolling, telling us how we must reduce our dependence on foreign oil.

Every last one of them. Presidents Nixon, Gerald Ford, James T. Carter, Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, George HW Bush, William J Clinton, and George W Bush. Both parties represented. None of them did anything but talk about it. Congress has changed hands as far as the power of the majority goes several times in the last 40 years...Congress did nothing either. The automobile manufacturers helped out by designing cars and SUV's that weigh as much as a 757, but tend to use a lot more fuel. And see above for the trophy brides to know who buys and drives those beasts.

Soooo...whose fault is it? Yours. Mine. The Sierra Club's. The American realtors and commercial construction companies. The strip-mall association of America (yeah, yeah, I know. Shuddup...I can make this up as I go along. It's my blog).

And now gas is inchin' towards $3 a gallon, and Hurricane Yagoddabeeshittinme hasn't even landed yet. Think the price is going down when that happens? Think again.

Ok. We know it's our fault. We know we're consumers, and yes out there my tree-hugging protesters, I saw you drive up in that Hummer and park it where you didn't think anyone would see you. You're here protesting against tapping into our own reserves and building new refineries because you're afraid the one-legged, bi-sexual, green-horned, crustacean whoop-a-dong flea might get flushed out of his comfy home deep in the branches of the Alaskan oak preserve if we pump a few gallons of oil so I can afford to both go to work and return without having to rob a 7-Eleven along the way.

Ok. I hear you. Feed a cold; starve a fever. Feed a Saudi Arabian terrorism funder, starve an American child. Or is it starve a cold....awwww hell, I can never remember.

So carry on with the environmental arguments, and get really violent if someone disagrees with you. Tie yourselves together in a human knot and stand in a circle around Anwar; as a matter of fact, you should do it in February. Keep up the protests, but remember you may be forcing some unfortunates to downgrade from a Hummer to an H3, and you too might even have to get rid of the Villa in Aspen. Or at least the maid.

I'm thinking what killed the Dino's was stubbornness on thier part. The Eco-Dino's wouldn't let them eat any more leaves, so that killed off the Veggie Dino's...and the meat eaters did each other in until there was only one left standing, and then he died of boredom from having to talk to Keith Richards every day.

Or maybe OJ did kill them all. Allegedly.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Uncle!!!!

The following things make no sense to me:

An ad on the radio for an attorney's office that says, "Slip and fall? Call." Call who and why? You're a spaz, so your company should be sued? Plllleeeeeease!

MVP awards in sports. Why do they always give out the MVP awards to the guys with the best statistics instead of what the definition of MVP is? If he wasn't there, would the team have done as well? If the answer is 'probably', he's not the MVP, stupid.

Telephone voice prompts in the U.S. that say, "For English, press 1." I better not have to explain this one!

Test instructions that say, "Fill in every answer. There is no penalty for a wrong guess." What? Excuse me, but there sure as hell is!

A woman in a grocery store - in front of me of course - who asked the clerk if the question on the ATM machine, "Is this amount correct?" was for her to answer? Oh my God, somebody get me an oxygen mask!

Everyone knows that Braille on a drive-up ATM is retarded, but I drove up to an ATM at a Bank north of Orlando about a month ago that wasn't wide enough to accommodate my car. No, I don't drive a Hummer, but after the 76 Datsun went out of production, you'd think they would have modified the lane. Apparently not.


Ahhhh, no more...I'm starting to get pissed again. I'm heading off to Wendy's. My plan is to slip on the floor, spilling hot coffee on myself, and then sue them under the grounds that when I fell, I did so because I was staring at the finger in the other person's chili, while contemplating faking the fact that I was about to have septuplets.

That' outta be worth a few 'mil' at least.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Earl

On May 3rd, 2006 a retired Lt. Colonel from the US Army died. His name was Earl, and chances are, you may have heard of his son.

Just around 29 years ago or so, Earl was out hitting golf balls at a driving range in California, his 10 month old son in tow, dragging around his own 13 inch club, and playing with it in the dirt, and chewing on the grip end...as 10 month olds are supposed to do.

Earl looked down and asked the tot if he would like to try. The 10 month old grunted a yes, and stood up - left handed - drew the club back and swung.

He missed.

Three more misses later, he tried again. This time the ball arched upwards and landed about 8 yards away. Rather astonished, Earl showed the boy how to place his hands on the club in a proper grip.

The boy managed to somehow get just about every second ball airborne. When they went back home, Earl told friends and his wife of the occurrence, but no one really believed him.

He started taking the boy back to the range on a regular basis. One day, while still only a year old, it dawned on the boy that he was standing on the left side of the ball, while dad was standing on the right. In mid-swing, he stopped, walked around to the other side - adjusted his grip by himself - and nailed the first one he swung at. Earl knew he had something then.

Through the years, Earl invested all of his money and time into his growing son and the son's passion for golf. People from all over criticized Earl with comments like, "You can't push him - he's just a kid", and things of the like.

Isn't it interesting in our society how we can push a little girl to be a ballerina, we can home school and let a boy or girl become geeky social misfits in the name of a spelling bee, but if we even nudge our children when it comes to sports, we're terrible parents and horrible people.

$350.00 a week in dancing lessons? No problem!

Endless hour after endless hour learning the etymology of words like 'pestiferous'...as in...

Pestiferous.

The parents pestiferous insistence that their child eschew throwing around a ball with the kids in the neighborhood in lieu of more vocabulary studies was evident.

Pestiferous


Guess what spelling bee mom's and dads?

30 years later. The son has a personal wealth nearing a billion dollars, was voted the most recognizable athlete in the world, as well as the 3rd most recognizable personality in the world and enjoys a popularity among youth and adults unparalleled in our time or any other.

Earl was right all along.