Fact: Today is the 31st day of December, 2007.
Fact: Coaches want to be officials, officials want to be coaches, and players want to be rock stars or hip-hop rappers. Conversely, hip-hoppers want to be in the NBA.
Fact: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw skinny dipping parties.
Fact: Four category 5 tornadoes can hit downtown Dallas simultaneously, and 3 people will die. A single category 1 waterspout can hit Thailand, and 3,652 souls will perish and the American Red Cross will spend $25 Million of our money helping them.
Fact: Canada, the United Kingdom, and France have Universal Health Care. Addendum fact: It takes an average of 5 weeks to see a doctor - any doctor - about a common cold...forget about a serious injury or illness; fourteen to seventeen weeks to see a specialist. They have consistently proven sluggish in bringing in high tech innovations and services, and as a result, the mortality rate for heart attacks (for example) is higher in these three countries than anywhere else in the developed world.
Fact: In 1631, two London bible printers accidentally left the word "not" out of the seventh commandment, which then read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." This legendary book is now known as the "Wicked Bible."
Fact: A U.S. company came out with a toilet night-light that sends out a green warning beacon when the seat is up. There it is ladies, the answer to all your prayers.
Fact: When you're driving south of the Mason-Dixon line, there is an unwritten rule that all drivers must believe they're Richard Petty, and close to within inches of your back bumper - even if you're in the right lane. This holds especially true if they are in a pick-up truck that for some insane reason is equipped with Boeing 767 tires.
Fact: When such a driver finally passes you and you realize you're actually not going to die, you become happier than Rosie O'Donnell when the fresh donuts light goes on at the Krispy Kreme.
Fact: Before 1859, baseball umpires were seated in padded chairs behind home plate. Now those chairs have been replaced with small round beds for seeing eye dogs.
Fact: America spent $6.3 Billion on entertainment periodicals, autographs, etc in 2007. Addendum fact: America is waaaaaaaaaaaay too obsessed with celebrity.
Fact: Ancient Egyptians believed that onions would keep evil spirits away. It was later discovered by the Greeks that onions actually kept a potential date away.
Fact: American President John Tyler had 15 children. Bill Clinton, eat your heart out.
Fact: Angel Falls in Venezuela is the world's highest waterfall, at 979 meters. This waterfall is sixteen times the height of Niagara Falls, and the same width as Michael Moore's midsection.
Fact: Approximately 75% of human poop is made of water. Believe you me, eat out a Taco Bell or McDonald's after the age of 45 and you'll attest to the truth of this one.
And last but not least:
Fact: Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years. Ummmm....no way...I have 14 different comments I could use, but I'm not going there at all.
Happy New Year
- JL4
P.S. Iowa; Ron Paul; Presidential election. Just tossed that in to test Karen's theory I was spamed by a Ron Paul supporter. Let's see if it happens...
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Iowa
With the Iowa caucuses a mere 4 days away, one question - and only one question - remains: What the hell is a caucus?
Spare me you're e-mail, I know what a caucus is: It's the plural of Caucasian, meaning "White dudes".
I have no idea who I am going to vote for, but I will start with a statement on each.
Sen Clinton: She has done a good job for the state of New York, and has been a surprisingly level, yet strong voice in congress. I don't trust her motives on Universal Health Care, because the mere thought of that makes my middle class bank account shrink even more. The wealthy won't need it, the poor will use it every time they prick their fingers sewing, and that leaves who to pay for it? Uh huh. Me. Screw that.
Chance of me voting for her? Better than they've ever been, to be honest.
Barack Obama: One of his staff members had a slip of the tongue the other day and said Sen Obama was clearly uncomfortable in Iowa, with its 98.2 non-minority population. Look...if he's uncomfortable with that, he has no business being the President of this or any other country, to be quite honest. I also take issue with his National Anthem antics. Like I tell High School kids who can't stand still at games all the time: "Its 1:47 long. Stand still, shut up, and it will soon be over." It ain't that hard to do, Buckwheat.
Chance of me voting for him? At this juncture, zero. He'll have to do a lot of convincing.
John Edwards: Four years ago, he said the following: "If we do the work that we can do in this country, the work that we will do when John Kerry is President, people like Christopher Reeve will get up out of that wheelchair and walk again." Who knew Senator Edwards has the cure for paralysis? President Bush stumbles and bumbles his way through our language. This man speaks it eloquently, but not any more intelligently I might add.
Chance of me voting for him? Better than Obama, but much less than Senator Clinton.
Mitt Romney: Intriguing. He won the gubernatorial election in a nearly 100% Roman Catholic, 100% Democratic state, and they liked him and the job he did! Ted Kennedy-land liked a conservative, republican, Mormon. If that doesn't speak to the fact that he can potentially make magic work, I don't know what does. I'm from Massachusetts, and I believe I'm the only republican who ever lived in that state until Romney.
Chance of me voting for him? He has my attention.
Fred Thompson: I was hoping he was going to run, but it turned out he really isn't. If he thinks the effort he's putting out right now is sufficient to impress the American public, then he should just go ahead and make "The Hunt for Red October, Part II."
Chance of me voting for him? Zero, unless he decides to actually campaign.
Mike Huckabee: Although he is strong-willed and incisive, I have a problem with him being a minister in a form of faith that is openly prejudiced against women, minorities, and gays. Baptists are not like that, you say? Ohhhhh, really?
Chance of me voting for him? Not likely, although he does make some excellent points now and then.
John McCain: Brave, tough, insightful, and honest. He has been criticized highly for not being a true conservative, whatever that is supposed to mean. Because someone doesn't check off every single block in the conservative or liberal handbook doesn't mean they're not true to their overall nature. Think about this: Perhaps it means they're thoughtful and open-minded? Woah....we don't want anyone in office who is thoughtful and open-minded. How stupid would that be, huh?
Chance of me voting for him? Pretty good...the next 10 months will tell.
Rudy Giuliani: I have a hell of a time spelling his name, which is a strike against him. I keeed...I keeeed. Ok, the guy did a fabulous September 11th job, and clearly displayed the lost American values of toughness under fire and refusal to crumble to the cowards that perpetrated that day. He has vacillated perhaps too much, but who in this world doesn't?
Chance of me voting for him? Could be....let's wait and see.
One last note. We have expressions about politics which bug the crap outta me.
Flipper: He or she is a "flipper". According to our national psyche, no one in politics is allowed to change their mind, opinion, or stance on anything? I have a word for you: Bullshit. How do you like that word?
Party Lines: This is the illegitimate twin sister of "Flipper". A person is obligated to speak, think, act, and vote along party lines, no matter how they feel about an issue? Here is my counter-word: Stepford.
People in this country think the President needs to know everything about everything, which is fundamentally incorrect. What the President needs to know is who the smartest people are in each area of responsibility, and appoint that person to the post. I'm saying this: I could be the President of the United States, and I don't know jack shit about anything. But I bet I could find a great Secretary Of State, a great Commerce person, etc etc.
Bottom line, don't expect the President to be an expert in all areas. HOPE the President knows how to be a fantastic delegat-or. Then we'll have something.
And oh yeah...If no one really knows who you are, you weren't mentioned in here because that would be a waste of time....Yeah, I'm talking to you Ron Paul...and everyone else like you.
Spare me you're e-mail, I know what a caucus is: It's the plural of Caucasian, meaning "White dudes".
I have no idea who I am going to vote for, but I will start with a statement on each.
Sen Clinton: She has done a good job for the state of New York, and has been a surprisingly level, yet strong voice in congress. I don't trust her motives on Universal Health Care, because the mere thought of that makes my middle class bank account shrink even more. The wealthy won't need it, the poor will use it every time they prick their fingers sewing, and that leaves who to pay for it? Uh huh. Me. Screw that.
Chance of me voting for her? Better than they've ever been, to be honest.
Barack Obama: One of his staff members had a slip of the tongue the other day and said Sen Obama was clearly uncomfortable in Iowa, with its 98.2 non-minority population. Look...if he's uncomfortable with that, he has no business being the President of this or any other country, to be quite honest. I also take issue with his National Anthem antics. Like I tell High School kids who can't stand still at games all the time: "Its 1:47 long. Stand still, shut up, and it will soon be over." It ain't that hard to do, Buckwheat.
Chance of me voting for him? At this juncture, zero. He'll have to do a lot of convincing.
John Edwards: Four years ago, he said the following: "If we do the work that we can do in this country, the work that we will do when John Kerry is President, people like Christopher Reeve will get up out of that wheelchair and walk again." Who knew Senator Edwards has the cure for paralysis? President Bush stumbles and bumbles his way through our language. This man speaks it eloquently, but not any more intelligently I might add.
Chance of me voting for him? Better than Obama, but much less than Senator Clinton.
Mitt Romney: Intriguing. He won the gubernatorial election in a nearly 100% Roman Catholic, 100% Democratic state, and they liked him and the job he did! Ted Kennedy-land liked a conservative, republican, Mormon. If that doesn't speak to the fact that he can potentially make magic work, I don't know what does. I'm from Massachusetts, and I believe I'm the only republican who ever lived in that state until Romney.
Chance of me voting for him? He has my attention.
Fred Thompson: I was hoping he was going to run, but it turned out he really isn't. If he thinks the effort he's putting out right now is sufficient to impress the American public, then he should just go ahead and make "The Hunt for Red October, Part II."
Chance of me voting for him? Zero, unless he decides to actually campaign.
Mike Huckabee: Although he is strong-willed and incisive, I have a problem with him being a minister in a form of faith that is openly prejudiced against women, minorities, and gays. Baptists are not like that, you say? Ohhhhh, really?
Chance of me voting for him? Not likely, although he does make some excellent points now and then.
John McCain: Brave, tough, insightful, and honest. He has been criticized highly for not being a true conservative, whatever that is supposed to mean. Because someone doesn't check off every single block in the conservative or liberal handbook doesn't mean they're not true to their overall nature. Think about this: Perhaps it means they're thoughtful and open-minded? Woah....we don't want anyone in office who is thoughtful and open-minded. How stupid would that be, huh?
Chance of me voting for him? Pretty good...the next 10 months will tell.
Rudy Giuliani: I have a hell of a time spelling his name, which is a strike against him. I keeed...I keeeed. Ok, the guy did a fabulous September 11th job, and clearly displayed the lost American values of toughness under fire and refusal to crumble to the cowards that perpetrated that day. He has vacillated perhaps too much, but who in this world doesn't?
Chance of me voting for him? Could be....let's wait and see.
One last note. We have expressions about politics which bug the crap outta me.
Flipper: He or she is a "flipper". According to our national psyche, no one in politics is allowed to change their mind, opinion, or stance on anything? I have a word for you: Bullshit. How do you like that word?
Party Lines: This is the illegitimate twin sister of "Flipper". A person is obligated to speak, think, act, and vote along party lines, no matter how they feel about an issue? Here is my counter-word: Stepford.
People in this country think the President needs to know everything about everything, which is fundamentally incorrect. What the President needs to know is who the smartest people are in each area of responsibility, and appoint that person to the post. I'm saying this: I could be the President of the United States, and I don't know jack shit about anything. But I bet I could find a great Secretary Of State, a great Commerce person, etc etc.
Bottom line, don't expect the President to be an expert in all areas. HOPE the President knows how to be a fantastic delegat-or. Then we'll have something.
And oh yeah...If no one really knows who you are, you weren't mentioned in here because that would be a waste of time....Yeah, I'm talking to you Ron Paul...and everyone else like you.
Friday, December 28, 2007
A preponderance of pain
Guess what?
We are still at war, irrespective of how sloppily we have handled it thus far. Benazir Bhutto was killed by an ideology that is so foreign to us; so unimaginably violent and brutal to us; the lines of demarcation could not be more clearly defined than they are now, and 6+ years post 9/11, incredibly we still don't see it. I'm floored that we have come this far and are so stupid. By "we", I mean some politicians for sure, but mostly I'm talking about our general population. Collectively, the smartest nation on the Earth sure is a bunch of dense sumbitches.
In WWII, Japan wanted the Pacific - the entire Pacific - as their kingdom. Hitler wanted Europe. The boundaries were clearly defined, and for the most part, Japan and Germany's aspirations were driven by geography. There was Hitler's disgusting deal with Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals, but for the most part, the man wanted land...lots of land to call his own. The rest of the world said "Whoa, cowboys. You can't have it all because it doesn't belong to you." And for the better part of 5 years, the world banded together to ensure Mr. Hitler and Emperor Hirohito did not get their desired prize.
Very distinct sides.
Now we have us - and by "us" I literally mean us as in the U.S. - and them: Islamic extremists. Different from the aforementioned Mr's Hitler and Hirohito, these Islamic barbarians aren't interested in acquiring land per se (although I'm sure they envision some of that). No, no, no. These folks are interested in destroying anyone and everyone who doesn't think the way they do. And in carrying out their task, they have no problem whatsoever killing their own along the way. Last October, they attempted to assassinate Mrs. Bhutto, and they missed her. They did however kill between 150 and 165 of their own folks in the attempt to get Bhutto. Two days ago they were finally successful, and after they shot her - I said AFTER THEY SHOT HER - they then blew up the car they were in, killing 20 more innocents. Every day, or at least every week, we hear of another car bomb going off somewhere in the Middle East, killing dozens of people just going to the market and minding their own peaceful business.
With all the atrocities committed by the Nazi's, you've never read of them bombing their own people in Mainz, or Frankfurt, or wherever. And you didn't hear about it because it didn't happen. Same with Japan. Sapporo was never attacked by the Japanese Navy, Kobe never suicide bombed by a kamikaze strung out on too much Saki.
Yes America, we are still at war. The events of the other day clearly emphasizing once again that we cannot roll ourselves into a cocoon of protection and act as if it doesn't affect us. Quite frankly, it can and just may affect us greatly. Pakistan has nukes. The kind of nukes that fly great distances. Pakistan is in chaos. Neither the United States, the United Nations, or great powers like Russia can seem to make any headway with the Pakistani principals calling the shots right now. Bin Laden is in Pakistan, but they won't let us in to look for the sorry bastard. Every waring faction in the middle east is reveling in the death of Bhutto, for her death certainly means more instability in a region that is akin to balancing a 10,000 lb. boulder on the head of a 5-penny nail.
As long as we continue with our own silly rhetoric, with politico's and non-politico's blaming we in our country for the mess that has been the middle east for the last 5,000 years, or hiding beneath the covers with the electric blanket on hoping it will all just go away, we will never be able to face up to the real issue:
We are at war.
It's not the Iraq war and it's not Afghanistan. It's not even the war on terror. It's the turbans and the veils against everybody else, and its long past the time that we should be saying so. Screw political correctness. The Buddhists are not railing against the Catholics. The Mormons are not shooting at the Baptists. The Hindi's are not attacking the Orthodox Greeks, and the Jehovah's Witnesses are not harassing the Harri Krishna's for working the airport.
Get it? No one else is fighting anyone else. It's the Allah Hua Akbar's against the world, and right now the world has no idea it is losing precious ground by the second. Will we wake up in time to save ourselves, or just sit around and watch our daughters beheaded because they have a belly ring?
We are still at war, irrespective of how sloppily we have handled it thus far. Benazir Bhutto was killed by an ideology that is so foreign to us; so unimaginably violent and brutal to us; the lines of demarcation could not be more clearly defined than they are now, and 6+ years post 9/11, incredibly we still don't see it. I'm floored that we have come this far and are so stupid. By "we", I mean some politicians for sure, but mostly I'm talking about our general population. Collectively, the smartest nation on the Earth sure is a bunch of dense sumbitches.
In WWII, Japan wanted the Pacific - the entire Pacific - as their kingdom. Hitler wanted Europe. The boundaries were clearly defined, and for the most part, Japan and Germany's aspirations were driven by geography. There was Hitler's disgusting deal with Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals, but for the most part, the man wanted land...lots of land to call his own. The rest of the world said "Whoa, cowboys. You can't have it all because it doesn't belong to you." And for the better part of 5 years, the world banded together to ensure Mr. Hitler and Emperor Hirohito did not get their desired prize.
Very distinct sides.
Now we have us - and by "us" I literally mean us as in the U.S. - and them: Islamic extremists. Different from the aforementioned Mr's Hitler and Hirohito, these Islamic barbarians aren't interested in acquiring land per se (although I'm sure they envision some of that). No, no, no. These folks are interested in destroying anyone and everyone who doesn't think the way they do. And in carrying out their task, they have no problem whatsoever killing their own along the way. Last October, they attempted to assassinate Mrs. Bhutto, and they missed her. They did however kill between 150 and 165 of their own folks in the attempt to get Bhutto. Two days ago they were finally successful, and after they shot her - I said AFTER THEY SHOT HER - they then blew up the car they were in, killing 20 more innocents. Every day, or at least every week, we hear of another car bomb going off somewhere in the Middle East, killing dozens of people just going to the market and minding their own peaceful business.
With all the atrocities committed by the Nazi's, you've never read of them bombing their own people in Mainz, or Frankfurt, or wherever. And you didn't hear about it because it didn't happen. Same with Japan. Sapporo was never attacked by the Japanese Navy, Kobe never suicide bombed by a kamikaze strung out on too much Saki.
Yes America, we are still at war. The events of the other day clearly emphasizing once again that we cannot roll ourselves into a cocoon of protection and act as if it doesn't affect us. Quite frankly, it can and just may affect us greatly. Pakistan has nukes. The kind of nukes that fly great distances. Pakistan is in chaos. Neither the United States, the United Nations, or great powers like Russia can seem to make any headway with the Pakistani principals calling the shots right now. Bin Laden is in Pakistan, but they won't let us in to look for the sorry bastard. Every waring faction in the middle east is reveling in the death of Bhutto, for her death certainly means more instability in a region that is akin to balancing a 10,000 lb. boulder on the head of a 5-penny nail.
As long as we continue with our own silly rhetoric, with politico's and non-politico's blaming we in our country for the mess that has been the middle east for the last 5,000 years, or hiding beneath the covers with the electric blanket on hoping it will all just go away, we will never be able to face up to the real issue:
We are at war.
It's not the Iraq war and it's not Afghanistan. It's not even the war on terror. It's the turbans and the veils against everybody else, and its long past the time that we should be saying so. Screw political correctness. The Buddhists are not railing against the Catholics. The Mormons are not shooting at the Baptists. The Hindi's are not attacking the Orthodox Greeks, and the Jehovah's Witnesses are not harassing the Harri Krishna's for working the airport.
Get it? No one else is fighting anyone else. It's the Allah Hua Akbar's against the world, and right now the world has no idea it is losing precious ground by the second. Will we wake up in time to save ourselves, or just sit around and watch our daughters beheaded because they have a belly ring?
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Can't stop
Ok....I'll admit it. I can't stop writing the last few days. Apparently, I can't stop stealing from another person's blog and using their stuff. I've been reading it lately, and there is some interesting things on there. Thanks go out to my theft victim.
Try this one on your own blog...It's fun.
FOUR
Four things to do before I die
1. See my sons graduate from College
2. Come into a large sum of money
3. Wind sail (Para sail, is it?) That thing where you hang from a huge kite. Whatever
4. Think of a fourth thing to do
Four things I can't do
1. Calculus
2. Drive in a relatively straight line
3. Live without blood thinners
4. A triple salchow (That figure skating thing where they fly and spin and don't bust their ass when landing)
Four things I love about my spouse
1. She's intelligent and kind
2. She is a dedicated nurse
3. She's the best cook I've ever known
4. She loves me (I know I couldn't or wouldn't)
Four things I say often
1. Hey! Why don't you just kiss my *** !!!
2. Apparently and evidently
3. Is our dog really that stupid?
4. Stop text messaging me !
Four movies I could watch over and over again
1. Saving Private Ryan
2. Office Space
3. Best in show
4. Any of the X-Men movies (They're awesome)
Four jobs I've had
1. Chief cook and bottle washer (Army leadership) Also known as MFIC: The Mother ****** in charge.
2. Golf shop attendee
3. Accounts Payable person
4. Budget control officer
Four places I've lived
1. Germany 1976-1979
2. Massachusetts 1957-1976
3. California (many times)
4. Middle East (Who wouldn't want to? Oh...that's right...a lot of people wouldn't want to)
Four TV shows I like to watch
1. How It's Made
2. Ummmmmm
3. Ummmmmm
4. Ummmmm (I don't watch tv shows...just documentaries and sports) ( I once saw 5 minutes of Seinfeld, but didn't laugh...does that count?)
Four places I've been on holiday (vacation)
1. Las Vegas
2. Cruise
3. Arizona
4. Orlando (and now I live here)
Four favorite dishes
1. Pork Chops with Campbell's Chicken and Rice soup baked in
2. M & M Cookies
3. Steak Tips and Noodles
4. Michelle Pfeifer (What? Oh get over it already)
Four places I'd rather be
1. In the multi-million dollar mansion I don't own
2. Hugh Hefner's shoes
3. Getting a massage
4. Philadelphia??? (All things considered....oh forget it !!)
And I added this myself:
The four people you most admire that aren't in your immediate or extended family:
1. Colin Powell
2. Margaret Thatcher
3. Dr. Robert Jarvik (inventor of the first permanently implanted Artificial heart)
4. Any athlete who shuts up, doesn't strut, doesn't show off, doesn't cheat, takes losing with grace, gives free autographs to kids, handles himself with integrity, doesn't get arrested, and simply acts like he's been there before and appreciates that his God-given talent is a privilege and a gift...not a right bestowed upon him.
Try this one on your own blog...It's fun.
FOUR
Four things to do before I die
1. See my sons graduate from College
2. Come into a large sum of money
3. Wind sail (Para sail, is it?) That thing where you hang from a huge kite. Whatever
4. Think of a fourth thing to do
Four things I can't do
1. Calculus
2. Drive in a relatively straight line
3. Live without blood thinners
4. A triple salchow (That figure skating thing where they fly and spin and don't bust their ass when landing)
Four things I love about my spouse
1. She's intelligent and kind
2. She is a dedicated nurse
3. She's the best cook I've ever known
4. She loves me (I know I couldn't or wouldn't)
Four things I say often
1. Hey! Why don't you just kiss my *** !!!
2. Apparently and evidently
3. Is our dog really that stupid?
4. Stop text messaging me !
Four movies I could watch over and over again
1. Saving Private Ryan
2. Office Space
3. Best in show
4. Any of the X-Men movies (They're awesome)
Four jobs I've had
1. Chief cook and bottle washer (Army leadership) Also known as MFIC: The Mother ****** in charge.
2. Golf shop attendee
3. Accounts Payable person
4. Budget control officer
Four places I've lived
1. Germany 1976-1979
2. Massachusetts 1957-1976
3. California (many times)
4. Middle East (Who wouldn't want to? Oh...that's right...a lot of people wouldn't want to)
Four TV shows I like to watch
1. How It's Made
2. Ummmmmm
3. Ummmmmm
4. Ummmmm (I don't watch tv shows...just documentaries and sports) ( I once saw 5 minutes of Seinfeld, but didn't laugh...does that count?)
Four places I've been on holiday (vacation)
1. Las Vegas
2. Cruise
3. Arizona
4. Orlando (and now I live here)
Four favorite dishes
1. Pork Chops with Campbell's Chicken and Rice soup baked in
2. M & M Cookies
3. Steak Tips and Noodles
4. Michelle Pfeifer (What? Oh get over it already)
Four places I'd rather be
1. In the multi-million dollar mansion I don't own
2. Hugh Hefner's shoes
3. Getting a massage
4. Philadelphia??? (All things considered....oh forget it !!)
And I added this myself:
The four people you most admire that aren't in your immediate or extended family:
1. Colin Powell
2. Margaret Thatcher
3. Dr. Robert Jarvik (inventor of the first permanently implanted Artificial heart)
4. Any athlete who shuts up, doesn't strut, doesn't show off, doesn't cheat, takes losing with grace, gives free autographs to kids, handles himself with integrity, doesn't get arrested, and simply acts like he's been there before and appreciates that his God-given talent is a privilege and a gift...not a right bestowed upon him.
2007 in review
January - The President gave his State of the Union address in which he made it clear we as Americans need to strive harder to put food on our children. The Russian Soyuz 2 rocket, once declared space junk, breaks up and falls upon Denver...the city; not John. A bus bomb near the Sri Lanken town of Nittambuwa kills 5 and injures at least 30. The Sri Lankan government declares the Tamil Tigers responsible, but the rebel group denies involvement and points to the Detroit Tigers as the responsible party.
February - The French government bans cigarette smoking in all public places, but veto's the bill requiring women to shave and all citizens to brush their teeth and use deodorant. One policeman is killed and 71 injured in a Catania soccer riot, a feat compared to the daily filming of the "Jerry Springer Show". The Avian - or Bird Flu - kills everyone in England except Keith Richards.
March - J.K. Rowling announces one of the characters in Harry Potter is gay. Unbeknownst to most, the entire cast of the movie version came out as well. The Communist Party of China expels nine senior officials and business leaders over a corruption scandal related to misuse of Government pension funds. Apparently they were caught issuing condoms, and lord knows the last thing China needs is condoms, right?
April - Tiger Woods declares his net worth at $17,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00 and files for sovereign nation status. Two British soldiers are killed by Taliban insurgents in Pakistan. The Pakistani government declares that no Taliban even exist in their country, and the British soldiers had actually shot themselves 47 times each, then blew themselves up afterwards.
May - April showers failed to bring May flowers in California's Mojave desert for the 2,756th consecutive year. President Bush goes on record as saying, "My our goal to are educated the children." Paris Hilton angers PETA when she declares her dog out of fashion and has him executed by Michael Vick.
June - Al Gore's wife Tipper threatens to divorce him if he doesn't control his green-house gases better. "I can't even sleep it's so bad", the former almost-but-not-quite first lady declared. In Lebanon, Hizballah fighters declare victory over Michael Moore, who has been in the region filming his latest documentary: "All wars are kinda bad."
July - Aruban officials arrest Joran Vandersloot and the Kalpoe brothers for the eleventh time, then release them the next day stating a lack of evidence to hold them. D.B. Cooper is found in a Seattle Starbucks, wired for sound on 13 Super-frothy-double-mocha lattes. The African kingdom of Lesotho declares a food crisis due to U.N. report showing a "major food gap" for 20% of the population. Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell call for aid until they realize it's Lesotho, not Lesbotho.
August - Local TV stations throughout the country change their formats to allow for the weather to be reported every 18 seconds instead of the standard 14 times in a hour-long newscast. "People want up to date weather, and they don't want to be bothered with looking out the window or other inconveniences like that" said WSHT of Orlando programming head Herb Schminkelmeir. The Space Shuttle launch was delayed because of gnats on the windshield of the craft. War continues to rage onward in East Timor, with help not predicted in the near future. Tom Brokaw of NBC news was last seen "googling" it to find out exactly where it's located.
September - The New England Patriots are caught filming the NY Jets cheerleaders and putting them on youtube. The Commissioner of the NFL fines them $500,000.00, flags the video as inappropriate, and stamps their lunch cards "No desert". Michael Vick resigns from PETA due to "A conflict of interest." October complains that it is tired of always being behind September, and President Bush says "We is our goal to make sure all the...uuuuu....how do you say...uuuuuu....months...are happy with they position are the calendar."
October - After 49 years of avoiding it, Jl4 allows himself to turn 50 and notices nose and ear hair for the first time. The Boston Red Sox win the World Series for the second time in four years, prompting people all over New England to head for their local emergency room for skin irritation due to repeated pinching.
November - PETA protests the killing of Turkey's, saying we should find alternative sources to kill. Hmmmm....how about PETA people? Jehovah's Witnesses apologize for that "Silly end of the world thingy" and state they promise to stop knocking on doors for at least 90 days. Don Shula, former coach of The Miami Dolphins, says an asterisk (*) should be placed next to the Dolphins 2007 season because, "Well frankly, they really suck."
December - Appearing in court dressed in his customary red suit, Santa plead not guilty to racism, stemming from his comments "Ho, Ho, Ho." The Reverend (insert laugh or chuckle here) Al Sharpton and the Reverend (insert laugh or chuckle here) Jesse Jackson were pressing charges against Mr. Kringle for his "continued abusive use of the word 'Ho', and his unwillingness to change." Sen. George Mitchell issued his report on steroid abuse. In it, he named Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears, and Mt. Olive Dill Spears as the primary users of performance enhancing drugs. There is no evidence that any of the Spears' performances have been enhanced, but from the looks of it, certain body parts have been.
And that's it folks. Your year in review. Love it or leave it, this is the world we live in.
Peace.
February - The French government bans cigarette smoking in all public places, but veto's the bill requiring women to shave and all citizens to brush their teeth and use deodorant. One policeman is killed and 71 injured in a Catania soccer riot, a feat compared to the daily filming of the "Jerry Springer Show". The Avian - or Bird Flu - kills everyone in England except Keith Richards.
March - J.K. Rowling announces one of the characters in Harry Potter is gay. Unbeknownst to most, the entire cast of the movie version came out as well. The Communist Party of China expels nine senior officials and business leaders over a corruption scandal related to misuse of Government pension funds. Apparently they were caught issuing condoms, and lord knows the last thing China needs is condoms, right?
April - Tiger Woods declares his net worth at $17,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00 and files for sovereign nation status. Two British soldiers are killed by Taliban insurgents in Pakistan. The Pakistani government declares that no Taliban even exist in their country, and the British soldiers had actually shot themselves 47 times each, then blew themselves up afterwards.
May - April showers failed to bring May flowers in California's Mojave desert for the 2,756th consecutive year. President Bush goes on record as saying, "My our goal to are educated the children." Paris Hilton angers PETA when she declares her dog out of fashion and has him executed by Michael Vick.
June - Al Gore's wife Tipper threatens to divorce him if he doesn't control his green-house gases better. "I can't even sleep it's so bad", the former almost-but-not-quite first lady declared. In Lebanon, Hizballah fighters declare victory over Michael Moore, who has been in the region filming his latest documentary: "All wars are kinda bad."
July - Aruban officials arrest Joran Vandersloot and the Kalpoe brothers for the eleventh time, then release them the next day stating a lack of evidence to hold them. D.B. Cooper is found in a Seattle Starbucks, wired for sound on 13 Super-frothy-double-mocha lattes. The African kingdom of Lesotho declares a food crisis due to U.N. report showing a "major food gap" for 20% of the population. Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell call for aid until they realize it's Lesotho, not Lesbotho.
August - Local TV stations throughout the country change their formats to allow for the weather to be reported every 18 seconds instead of the standard 14 times in a hour-long newscast. "People want up to date weather, and they don't want to be bothered with looking out the window or other inconveniences like that" said WSHT of Orlando programming head Herb Schminkelmeir. The Space Shuttle launch was delayed because of gnats on the windshield of the craft. War continues to rage onward in East Timor, with help not predicted in the near future. Tom Brokaw of NBC news was last seen "googling" it to find out exactly where it's located.
September - The New England Patriots are caught filming the NY Jets cheerleaders and putting them on youtube. The Commissioner of the NFL fines them $500,000.00, flags the video as inappropriate, and stamps their lunch cards "No desert". Michael Vick resigns from PETA due to "A conflict of interest." October complains that it is tired of always being behind September, and President Bush says "We is our goal to make sure all the...uuuuu....how do you say...uuuuuu....months...are happy with they position are the calendar."
October - After 49 years of avoiding it, Jl4 allows himself to turn 50 and notices nose and ear hair for the first time. The Boston Red Sox win the World Series for the second time in four years, prompting people all over New England to head for their local emergency room for skin irritation due to repeated pinching.
November - PETA protests the killing of Turkey's, saying we should find alternative sources to kill. Hmmmm....how about PETA people? Jehovah's Witnesses apologize for that "Silly end of the world thingy" and state they promise to stop knocking on doors for at least 90 days. Don Shula, former coach of The Miami Dolphins, says an asterisk (*) should be placed next to the Dolphins 2007 season because, "Well frankly, they really suck."
December - Appearing in court dressed in his customary red suit, Santa plead not guilty to racism, stemming from his comments "Ho, Ho, Ho." The Reverend (insert laugh or chuckle here) Al Sharpton and the Reverend (insert laugh or chuckle here) Jesse Jackson were pressing charges against Mr. Kringle for his "continued abusive use of the word 'Ho', and his unwillingness to change." Sen. George Mitchell issued his report on steroid abuse. In it, he named Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears, and Mt. Olive Dill Spears as the primary users of performance enhancing drugs. There is no evidence that any of the Spears' performances have been enhanced, but from the looks of it, certain body parts have been.
And that's it folks. Your year in review. Love it or leave it, this is the world we live in.
Peace.
Unclaimed U.S. Armerican Dollars
Hello to you out there, U.S. Americans in America. My name is Imbooto Hooto Mooto, and I am what you call a Nigerian what you call Dentist, and the minister of the what you call Bank, which in Nigerian is called Flooto. So I am Imbooto Hooto Mooto from the Flooto, and I have urgent news for you.
Your long lost what you call cousin, Amooto Bingbooto, has died tragically along with 473 others in a bus crash. Amooto Bingbooto has left you a great fortune in U.S. American dollars which what you say was is to be claimed from the Nigerian Flooto, or what you say bank. In order to claim the money for your family, you need simply to send me 200 to 400 U.S. American dollars to make for me what you say, paperwork to process the claim for the U.S. American dollars. So, mail to me the money today, and I will honor Amooto Bingbooto in your what you call name.
Imbooto Hooto Mooto
Minister of the Flooto
23 Nooto Cooto Plaza
Nigeria
Your long lost what you call cousin, Amooto Bingbooto, has died tragically along with 473 others in a bus crash. Amooto Bingbooto has left you a great fortune in U.S. American dollars which what you say was is to be claimed from the Nigerian Flooto, or what you say bank. In order to claim the money for your family, you need simply to send me 200 to 400 U.S. American dollars to make for me what you say, paperwork to process the claim for the U.S. American dollars. So, mail to me the money today, and I will honor Amooto Bingbooto in your what you call name.
Imbooto Hooto Mooto
Minister of the Flooto
23 Nooto Cooto Plaza
Nigeria
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
MEME
What you see in the post preceding this is what is called a "MEME". Bloggers send them to and fro to each other to see what the others are all about. Kind of a neat idea, but I still had no earthly idea what "MEME" meant...
So I asked a few people, and one of them sent me this:
A meme (pronounced /ˈmiːm/), as defined within memetic theory , constitutes a theoretical unit of cultural information , the building block of cultural evolution or diffusion that propagates from one mind to another analogously to the way in which a gene propagates from one organism to another as a unit of genetic information and of biological evolution.[1] Multiple memes may propagate as cooperative groups called memeplexes (meme complexes).
Ohhhhhh, so now I get it.
A Meme is a transliterated exception the the biometric universal extrapolation of cogent thought interspersed with transient interbalanced counterintuitivness, as explained clearly in Niche's "Diatribe on the Metaphysical". Furthermore, it's simply a complex variety of nuances derived from symbiotic relationships between galactic entities, known as "Inumerables". These relationships have been known to faulter due to one being having no knowledge whatsoever how to get their point across to another.
Now, do I have to explain everything to you???? Jeesh !!!!
So I asked a few people, and one of them sent me this:
A meme (pronounced /ˈmiːm/), as defined within memetic theory , constitutes a theoretical unit of cultural information , the building block of cultural evolution or diffusion that propagates from one mind to another analogously to the way in which a gene propagates from one organism to another as a unit of genetic information and of biological evolution.[1] Multiple memes may propagate as cooperative groups called memeplexes (meme complexes).
Ohhhhhh, so now I get it.
A Meme is a transliterated exception the the biometric universal extrapolation of cogent thought interspersed with transient interbalanced counterintuitivness, as explained clearly in Niche's "Diatribe on the Metaphysical". Furthermore, it's simply a complex variety of nuances derived from symbiotic relationships between galactic entities, known as "Inumerables". These relationships have been known to faulter due to one being having no knowledge whatsoever how to get their point across to another.
Now, do I have to explain everything to you???? Jeesh !!!!
Life
I stole this from someone who probably stole this from someone who probably stole it from someone, who...well, you get the idea.
In any event, I liked it. So here goes the list of things done or not done in my life:
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink Not everyone...but close
02. Swam with wild dolphins Nope
03. Climbed a mountain Yup...climbed "The Eagles Nest" (Hitlers hang out) in 1977
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive Nope...never even sat in one
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid Yes...oh yes...in 1993. Was in the Sphinx too. Went waaay down into the main burial crypt....where there is precious little oxygen.
06. Held a tarantula A dead one in West Texas 1989
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone Nope
08. Said "I love you" and meant it Of course
09. Hugged a tree Does hugging Al Gore count? Ummmm...not! He's too big to be a tree.
10. Bungee jumped Wow.....no
11. Visited Paris Yes, and it was dirty (1978)...Make that filthy!
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea Not at sea, no
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise Too many times (Retired Army)
14. Seen the Northern Lights Nope...would like that though
15. Gone to a huge sports game Kidding, right? Ummmmm yeah...Hello???
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa Nope
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables Yup...and they sucked
18. Touched an iceberg Huh?
19. Slept under the stars Hello?? Army guy...21 years? Uh Huh.
20. Changed a baby’s diaper Raised 3....changed thousands.
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon Sadly, no
22. Watched a meteor shower Yup
23. Gotten drunk on champagne Ummmm, yeah
24. Given more than you can afford to charity Given what I could aford...never more
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope Week and a half ago
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment At a funeral...can you imagine????
27. Had a food fight High school
28. Bet on a winning horse Yep...more on losers, though
29. Asked out a stranger Once....my advice? Don't
30. Had a snowball fight Grew up in Mass
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can I have kids....do you?
32. Held a lamb No
33. Seen a total eclipse Twice
34. Ridden a roller coaster Lame question...who hasn't?
35. Hit a home run 3. I was a slap hitter (singles and doubles for the most part)
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking Every time I dance
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day An entire day? Noooooo
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment Of course
39. Had two hard drives for your computer Ummmmm....no
40. Visited all 50 states Close...44
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk. Too many times
42. Had amazing friends Is there another kind?
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country Germany 1976-1979
44. Watched wild whales Nope
45. Stolen a sign Once in college...it was stupid, I know
46. Backpacked in Europe Does marching and training in the Army count?
47. Taken a road-trip Yeah, of course
48. Gone rock climbing Tried...failed miserably
49. Midnight walk on the beach Sure
50. Gone sky diving Once
51. Visited Ireland Parents did...not me
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love Once....
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them Yup
54. Visited Japan Nope
55. Milked a cow Nope
56. Alphabetized your CDs Too anal
57. Pretended to be a superhero 5th Amendment
58. Sung karaoke Too Cowardly
59. Lounged around in bed all day Yeah
60. Played touch football Of course
61. Gone scuba diving Nope
62. Kissed in the rain Yes
63. Played in the mud See #60, touch football
64. Played in the rain See #60, touch football
65. Gone to a drive-in theater Many times
66. Visited the Great Wall of China Alas...no
67. Started a business Nope
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken Yes
69. Toured ancient sites Egypt....North Africa...Middle East
70. Taken a martial arts class Not really
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight Never played it at all
72. Gotten married Yup
73. Been in a movie Nope
74. Crashed a party Lots of times
75. Gotten divorced Yup...once
76. Gone without food for 5 days Good Heavens...no
77. Made cookies from scratch Ha ha ha ha....me? Bake?
78. Won first prize in a costume contest Once...as a drag queen
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice Nope
80. Gotten a tattoo Regrettably
81. Rafted the Snake River Nope
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" Nope....not tv
83. Got flowers for no reason Given them for no reason
84. Performed on stage Yup...King & I and Camelot
85. Been to Las Vegas Twice
86. Recorded music My own voice? Twice
87. Eaten shark Yup
88. Kissed on the first date No one is supposed to kiss and tell
89. Gone to Thailand Nope
90. Bought a house 4
91. Been in a combat zone Yes, unfortunately
92. Buried one/both of your parents No...thankfully
93. Been on a cruise ship Thrice
94. Spoken more than one language fluently Arabic
95. Performed in Rocky Horror Nope...not gay
96. Raised children On-going
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour No...that's weird
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country Not really
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over Again....Army 21 years...yes
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge Driven several times
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking Every day
103. Had plastic surgery Nope....all original factory installed parts
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived I wouldn't say shouldn't have
105. Wrote articles for a large publication Wrote a book
106. Lost over 100 pounds Spent most of my life trying to gain weight
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback I don't think so
108. Piloted an airplane I'm a lousy driver...wouldn't recommend me flying
109. Touched a stingray Actually, yes. At the pool in Devil Rays Baseball Stadium
110. Broken someone’s heart I'm fairly certain (and saddened) that I have
111. Helped an animal give birth Is this for real??
112. Won money on a T.V. game show My best friend in H.S. won $32,000.00 on Press Your Luck
113. Broken a bone Never...ever. Amazing huh? All those years playing sports and in the Army? Never once
114. Gone on an African photo safari Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Nooooooo!
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears Pleeeeease....no
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol All
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild Hell no!
118. Ridden a horse Yep
119. Had major surgery Several times
120. Had a snake as a pet Nasty
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon Nope
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours Maybe....dunno
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states No
124. Visited all 7 continents Nope
That's all...there is more, but I'm worn out.
Peace
In any event, I liked it. So here goes the list of things done or not done in my life:
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink Not everyone...but close
02. Swam with wild dolphins Nope
03. Climbed a mountain Yup...climbed "The Eagles Nest" (Hitlers hang out) in 1977
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive Nope...never even sat in one
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid Yes...oh yes...in 1993. Was in the Sphinx too. Went waaay down into the main burial crypt....where there is precious little oxygen.
06. Held a tarantula A dead one in West Texas 1989
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone Nope
08. Said "I love you" and meant it Of course
09. Hugged a tree Does hugging Al Gore count? Ummmm...not! He's too big to be a tree.
10. Bungee jumped Wow.....no
11. Visited Paris Yes, and it was dirty (1978)...Make that filthy!
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea Not at sea, no
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise Too many times (Retired Army)
14. Seen the Northern Lights Nope...would like that though
15. Gone to a huge sports game Kidding, right? Ummmmm yeah...Hello???
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa Nope
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables Yup...and they sucked
18. Touched an iceberg Huh?
19. Slept under the stars Hello?? Army guy...21 years? Uh Huh.
20. Changed a baby’s diaper Raised 3....changed thousands.
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon Sadly, no
22. Watched a meteor shower Yup
23. Gotten drunk on champagne Ummmm, yeah
24. Given more than you can afford to charity Given what I could aford...never more
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope Week and a half ago
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment At a funeral...can you imagine????
27. Had a food fight High school
28. Bet on a winning horse Yep...more on losers, though
29. Asked out a stranger Once....my advice? Don't
30. Had a snowball fight Grew up in Mass
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can I have kids....do you?
32. Held a lamb No
33. Seen a total eclipse Twice
34. Ridden a roller coaster Lame question...who hasn't?
35. Hit a home run 3. I was a slap hitter (singles and doubles for the most part)
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking Every time I dance
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day An entire day? Noooooo
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment Of course
39. Had two hard drives for your computer Ummmmm....no
40. Visited all 50 states Close...44
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk. Too many times
42. Had amazing friends Is there another kind?
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country Germany 1976-1979
44. Watched wild whales Nope
45. Stolen a sign Once in college...it was stupid, I know
46. Backpacked in Europe Does marching and training in the Army count?
47. Taken a road-trip Yeah, of course
48. Gone rock climbing Tried...failed miserably
49. Midnight walk on the beach Sure
50. Gone sky diving Once
51. Visited Ireland Parents did...not me
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love Once....
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them Yup
54. Visited Japan Nope
55. Milked a cow Nope
56. Alphabetized your CDs Too anal
57. Pretended to be a superhero 5th Amendment
58. Sung karaoke Too Cowardly
59. Lounged around in bed all day Yeah
60. Played touch football Of course
61. Gone scuba diving Nope
62. Kissed in the rain Yes
63. Played in the mud See #60, touch football
64. Played in the rain See #60, touch football
65. Gone to a drive-in theater Many times
66. Visited the Great Wall of China Alas...no
67. Started a business Nope
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken Yes
69. Toured ancient sites Egypt....North Africa...Middle East
70. Taken a martial arts class Not really
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight Never played it at all
72. Gotten married Yup
73. Been in a movie Nope
74. Crashed a party Lots of times
75. Gotten divorced Yup...once
76. Gone without food for 5 days Good Heavens...no
77. Made cookies from scratch Ha ha ha ha....me? Bake?
78. Won first prize in a costume contest Once...as a drag queen
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice Nope
80. Gotten a tattoo Regrettably
81. Rafted the Snake River Nope
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" Nope....not tv
83. Got flowers for no reason Given them for no reason
84. Performed on stage Yup...King & I and Camelot
85. Been to Las Vegas Twice
86. Recorded music My own voice? Twice
87. Eaten shark Yup
88. Kissed on the first date No one is supposed to kiss and tell
89. Gone to Thailand Nope
90. Bought a house 4
91. Been in a combat zone Yes, unfortunately
92. Buried one/both of your parents No...thankfully
93. Been on a cruise ship Thrice
94. Spoken more than one language fluently Arabic
95. Performed in Rocky Horror Nope...not gay
96. Raised children On-going
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour No...that's weird
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country Not really
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over Again....Army 21 years...yes
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge Driven several times
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking Every day
103. Had plastic surgery Nope....all original factory installed parts
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived I wouldn't say shouldn't have
105. Wrote articles for a large publication Wrote a book
106. Lost over 100 pounds Spent most of my life trying to gain weight
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback I don't think so
108. Piloted an airplane I'm a lousy driver...wouldn't recommend me flying
109. Touched a stingray Actually, yes. At the pool in Devil Rays Baseball Stadium
110. Broken someone’s heart I'm fairly certain (and saddened) that I have
111. Helped an animal give birth Is this for real??
112. Won money on a T.V. game show My best friend in H.S. won $32,000.00 on Press Your Luck
113. Broken a bone Never...ever. Amazing huh? All those years playing sports and in the Army? Never once
114. Gone on an African photo safari Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Nooooooo!
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears Pleeeeease....no
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol All
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild Hell no!
118. Ridden a horse Yep
119. Had major surgery Several times
120. Had a snake as a pet Nasty
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon Nope
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours Maybe....dunno
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states No
124. Visited all 7 continents Nope
That's all...there is more, but I'm worn out.
Peace
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
December 25th
So there I was, sound asleep last night/this morning, when I heard this thumping noise above me. I own a two story home, so I got up from the bed and went upstairs and check on the boys. My alarm clock with the large LED's said 1:30 am, and I was a little more than annoyed that I had to go and tell the two boys to be quiet and go to sleep.
When I went upstairs, all the lights were off and both boys were well asleep. Wondering aloud why I got out of bed for a stupid dream, I wandered back downstairs. As I was nearing the base of the staircase, I heard a series of loud bumps, then full-throated laughter. I ran back upstairs in the dark, hoping to catch them in their act. Turning on the lights in each room, the boys were still both asleep, and were in the same positions I had seen them in less than a minute before.
The neighbors' dog was barking his insane howl, and I was thoroughly pissed now as I crawled back into the warm, waiting bed. 1:33 am, and I was awake. Jeesh!
This morning, the boys awakened the wifey and I at around 8:15, and we all went out into the living room for the obligatory gift opening. There were an astounding number of gifts under and around the tree that weren't there last evening. Baseball bats; batting helmets; batting gloves; Red Sox World Series memorabilia, etc. As we all took turns opening our presents, my wife looked at me strangely. I asked her what was wrong, and she whispered to me, "I didn't see any of this on the Master Card, the Visa, or the debit card statements. Did you buy it all yesterday?"
I told her I didn't buy any of it, and I was about to ask her when she did all this shopping. She looked at me and said, "Stop screwing around...when did you get all of this?" I repeated that I had not bought a single item except those that were wrapped and placed under the tree days and days ago. "Well, I didn't buy any of it," she reiterated.
"Really?", I said. "For real...you didn't?"
"Nope." "For real. I didn't."
When I went upstairs, all the lights were off and both boys were well asleep. Wondering aloud why I got out of bed for a stupid dream, I wandered back downstairs. As I was nearing the base of the staircase, I heard a series of loud bumps, then full-throated laughter. I ran back upstairs in the dark, hoping to catch them in their act. Turning on the lights in each room, the boys were still both asleep, and were in the same positions I had seen them in less than a minute before.
The neighbors' dog was barking his insane howl, and I was thoroughly pissed now as I crawled back into the warm, waiting bed. 1:33 am, and I was awake. Jeesh!
This morning, the boys awakened the wifey and I at around 8:15, and we all went out into the living room for the obligatory gift opening. There were an astounding number of gifts under and around the tree that weren't there last evening. Baseball bats; batting helmets; batting gloves; Red Sox World Series memorabilia, etc. As we all took turns opening our presents, my wife looked at me strangely. I asked her what was wrong, and she whispered to me, "I didn't see any of this on the Master Card, the Visa, or the debit card statements. Did you buy it all yesterday?"
I told her I didn't buy any of it, and I was about to ask her when she did all this shopping. She looked at me and said, "Stop screwing around...when did you get all of this?" I repeated that I had not bought a single item except those that were wrapped and placed under the tree days and days ago. "Well, I didn't buy any of it," she reiterated.
"Really?", I said. "For real...you didn't?"
"Nope." "For real. I didn't."
Monday, December 24, 2007
A Soldiers' Christmas...author unknown
T’was the night Before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give,
And to see just who in this home did live.
I looked all about, a strange site did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree,
No stockings by the mantle, Just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distance lands.
With Medals and badges, Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I had found the home of a soldier once I could see clearly.
I heard stories about them, I had to see more,
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
The solider lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up in this, his one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle,, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Solider.
Was this the War Hero of whom I’d just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more than a man.
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed they’re lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world the children would play
And grownups celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of these soldiers like the one lying here.
I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
Dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The Soldier awakened and I hear a rough voice,
“Santa don’t cry, this is my life my choice:
I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
My life is my god, my country my Corps.”
The Solider rolled over and soon drifted to sleep
I couldn’t control it I started to weep.
I kept watch for hours. So silent and still,
And we both shivered hard from the cold nights chill.
I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And I covered this Soldier from his toes to his head.
And I put on his T-shirt of gray and black,
With an eagle and an Army patch embroidered on back.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
And for a shining moment, I was United States Army deep inside.
I didn’t want to leave on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor, so willing to fight.
Then the Solider rolled over with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, Christmas Day is Secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend and to all a good night.
Peace and Merry Christmas to all - JL4
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give,
And to see just who in this home did live.
I looked all about, a strange site did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree,
No stockings by the mantle, Just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distance lands.
With Medals and badges, Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I had found the home of a soldier once I could see clearly.
I heard stories about them, I had to see more,
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
The solider lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up in this, his one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle,, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Solider.
Was this the War Hero of whom I’d just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more than a man.
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed they’re lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world the children would play
And grownups celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of these soldiers like the one lying here.
I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
Dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The Soldier awakened and I hear a rough voice,
“Santa don’t cry, this is my life my choice:
I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
My life is my god, my country my Corps.”
The Solider rolled over and soon drifted to sleep
I couldn’t control it I started to weep.
I kept watch for hours. So silent and still,
And we both shivered hard from the cold nights chill.
I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And I covered this Soldier from his toes to his head.
And I put on his T-shirt of gray and black,
With an eagle and an Army patch embroidered on back.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
And for a shining moment, I was United States Army deep inside.
I didn’t want to leave on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor, so willing to fight.
Then the Solider rolled over with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, Christmas Day is Secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend and to all a good night.
Peace and Merry Christmas to all - JL4
Saturday, December 22, 2007
It's beginning to look a lot like....an e-coli breakout
It has become fashionable in recent years for each major or minor metropolitan area to have at least one radio station (sometimes more), play continuous Christmas music non-stop through the holiday season. They usually start just after July 4th, and go on through New Years. In doing so, they have to play some horrendous tunes; many of them re-makes by artists better served singing their own style of music.
When I hear Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumkins sing "Tonight", I love it. When I hear him sing "Little Drummer Boy", I take immediate inventory of my kids, for fear he's after them. And so, although I do love Christmas music, I present to you my thoroughly exhaustive and totally opinionated list of 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever. Happy Hannukka, Channukka, Kwanza, or whatever to you all.
10. Santa Baby by Madonna. Look, this is Madonna singing this song, after all. When she sings, "Think of all the fellas I haven't kissed", all I can see in my mind is Sean Penn punching Santa himself under the mistletoe.
9. The Eight Days of Christmas by Destiny's Child. How many days? And belly rings, diamonds, and back rubs sounds like a rendezvous at a Motel 6, not Christmas cheer. I need a shower after hearing this one.
8. Silent Night, as sung by Stevie Nicks. "Silent night, holy nogigsht. All is cahiml, all is hissopog. Round uya bv-ppe , mo thja=e ac col ". Stevie is coming out with a compilation Christmas album with Eddie Vetter of Pearl Jam called, "Stevie and Eddie. What the hell are they saying?"
7. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as sung by Dean Martin. Now I know Deano liked his bourbon....that much is clear. But what in the hell was he thinking here? Smack dab in the middle of this timeless classic, Dean goes all Nazi Germany and says, "Rudy (Rudy????) mit jor nose so bright, von't juu drive mine schleigh tonight?" One word for ya Deano ----- Duuuuude.
6. Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, by John Denver. He used to say this was a funny, tongue-in-cheek song, but I for one don't find a kid pleading for his dad to stay sober on or around Christmas funny. Add to the fact that Mr. Denver died when he crashed his experimental airplane in Monterey Bay because he was - yes, drunk - and I think you get the picture.
5. Do they know it's Christmas, by Band Aid. Awesome beat, awesome song, awesome charity to give all the proceeds to starving children in Ethiopia, BUT....no, they don't know it's Christmas because, a) They don't have calendars, TV's, radio's, or electricity for the most part....and b) They're ISLAMIC, you numbskull's. Besides all that, the line "Thank God its them, and not you", makes me feel selfish and dirty.
4. Reggae Christmas, by Bryan Adams. Ummmmm....yeah. Just. Yeah.
3. Dominick the Christmas Donkey, by Lou Monte. This song is so horrible, there have yet to be adjectives invented to describe it. It has something to do with an Italian donkey, and that's the good part of the song.
2. Anything sung by a Country and Western star. Seriously, when I hear Billy Bob Taylor or Bubba Gump singing, "Oh, holy naaaght. Tha staaars are brahhgtly shaaaanin"... or "Here comes Santee Claaaaws, here a-comes Santee Claaaaws", I start looking for a telephone pole to ram my car into.
1. Speaking of C&W: The Christmas Shoes. Oooooooooh my word, pleeeease turn it off, turn it off!!!! Ever C&W singer on the planet has taken his shot at this gag-fest. My father-in-law, a man who wears blue jeans, boots, thick long-sleeve flannel shirts, and a long scraggly beard in 100+ degree temperatures says, "I likes to dah ever taaaahm I hear that song. I makes me craaaah ma ahhhhs out." Hmmmmm....it makes me cry to, but only because the thought of jumping off an overpass into oncoming traffic frightens me.
So that's it, boys and girls. The worst of the worst, but I may have left some songs out. Feel free to opine, and most importantly....
"I'm hope yuu drive mine schleigh tonight"
Zig Heil!!!!
When I hear Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumkins sing "Tonight", I love it. When I hear him sing "Little Drummer Boy", I take immediate inventory of my kids, for fear he's after them. And so, although I do love Christmas music, I present to you my thoroughly exhaustive and totally opinionated list of 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever. Happy Hannukka, Channukka, Kwanza, or whatever to you all.
10. Santa Baby by Madonna. Look, this is Madonna singing this song, after all. When she sings, "Think of all the fellas I haven't kissed", all I can see in my mind is Sean Penn punching Santa himself under the mistletoe.
9. The Eight Days of Christmas by Destiny's Child. How many days? And belly rings, diamonds, and back rubs sounds like a rendezvous at a Motel 6, not Christmas cheer. I need a shower after hearing this one.
8. Silent Night, as sung by Stevie Nicks. "Silent night, holy nogigsht. All is cahiml, all is hissopog. Round uya bv-ppe , mo thja=e ac col ". Stevie is coming out with a compilation Christmas album with Eddie Vetter of Pearl Jam called, "Stevie and Eddie. What the hell are they saying?"
7. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as sung by Dean Martin. Now I know Deano liked his bourbon....that much is clear. But what in the hell was he thinking here? Smack dab in the middle of this timeless classic, Dean goes all Nazi Germany and says, "Rudy (Rudy????) mit jor nose so bright, von't juu drive mine schleigh tonight?" One word for ya Deano ----- Duuuuude.
6. Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, by John Denver. He used to say this was a funny, tongue-in-cheek song, but I for one don't find a kid pleading for his dad to stay sober on or around Christmas funny. Add to the fact that Mr. Denver died when he crashed his experimental airplane in Monterey Bay because he was - yes, drunk - and I think you get the picture.
5. Do they know it's Christmas, by Band Aid. Awesome beat, awesome song, awesome charity to give all the proceeds to starving children in Ethiopia, BUT....no, they don't know it's Christmas because, a) They don't have calendars, TV's, radio's, or electricity for the most part....and b) They're ISLAMIC, you numbskull's. Besides all that, the line "Thank God its them, and not you", makes me feel selfish and dirty.
4. Reggae Christmas, by Bryan Adams. Ummmmm....yeah. Just. Yeah.
3. Dominick the Christmas Donkey, by Lou Monte. This song is so horrible, there have yet to be adjectives invented to describe it. It has something to do with an Italian donkey, and that's the good part of the song.
2. Anything sung by a Country and Western star. Seriously, when I hear Billy Bob Taylor or Bubba Gump singing, "Oh, holy naaaght. Tha staaars are brahhgtly shaaaanin"... or "Here comes Santee Claaaaws, here a-comes Santee Claaaaws", I start looking for a telephone pole to ram my car into.
1. Speaking of C&W: The Christmas Shoes. Oooooooooh my word, pleeeease turn it off, turn it off!!!! Ever C&W singer on the planet has taken his shot at this gag-fest. My father-in-law, a man who wears blue jeans, boots, thick long-sleeve flannel shirts, and a long scraggly beard in 100+ degree temperatures says, "I likes to dah ever taaaahm I hear that song. I makes me craaaah ma ahhhhs out." Hmmmmm....it makes me cry to, but only because the thought of jumping off an overpass into oncoming traffic frightens me.
So that's it, boys and girls. The worst of the worst, but I may have left some songs out. Feel free to opine, and most importantly....
"I'm hope yuu drive mine schleigh tonight"
Zig Heil!!!!
Monday, December 17, 2007
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