Attention K-Mart shoplifters

I went shopping this past weekend for a suit coat. I went into Blookington's or whatever, and when I asked the nearly dressed like a hooker clerk at the perfume counter where the men's departmant was, she casually stopped sandpapering her nails long enough to give me a flick of her hand in the general direction of "over there asshole". I responded to this by leaving and finding another store. I went into the Binghamton coat factory, and needless to say, when the sales guy approached me, I was the proverbial blond chick at the mechanic’s…

Him- So, what are you looking for today?

Me- A jacket for semi-formal events and stuff.

Him- What style?

Me- uuuum…medium rare?

Him- …

Me- I have no idea. Show me some stuff and I’ll signal my approval by nodding my head.

Him- Do you like single or double breasted?

Me- Does it only go to two? Because I love breasts, so if there is a six breasted one, I’ll probably buy it.

Him- …

Me- Ok. I’m going to just go look around and see if I like anything. I obviously have no idea why I am even here…

Him- No, let me show you these. Some of the best looking blazers we have, in my opinion. *He showed me one*

Me- Yeah, that’s pretty swell. It’s about what I’m looking for. What do these things cost? *He shows me the price tag, which I am sure was a type-o.*

After regaining consciousness, I asked if I could see something a bit less like my mortgage payment and more like my insurance premium. He got a little “I’m better than you”, and said “well, that’s what blazers cost”. I said, “No they don’t, because my dad owned several, and he never had shit for money. If I told my dad I paid that much for any article of clothing that wasn’t charged with magical powers, he’d punch me in my face and disinherit me.”

It always kills me to see these flaky, arrogant diddlywops act like they are superior to me because they work in a clothing store and know more about fashion than a person like me - who couldn’t care less to be quite honest.

After I finally settled on a coat that wasn’t spectackulous in its expensitude, I went looking for a shirt. Different guy this time, but he showed me a nice $75 shirt that I scoffed at. That’s right, I scoffed. Scoffed because I was just at Ross and they had these things on sale. Nine of them for a dollar, and they came in a huge Ziploc bag.

Me- Seventy five dollars? (looking bewildered)

Him- Yeah, but you can tell everybody you paid $150 for it.

Me- Why would I do that? I don’t want my friends to think I am any dumber than they already do.

Him-...

Me-C 'mon, gimme a better reason

Him- Aww, come on, they’ll think you’re rich.

Me- I’d print my bank statement on a $2 tee shirt if I wanted my friends to laugh at my financial status. What do you have in the discount shirt bin?

Him-...