Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Serbian Diet

BELGRADE (Reuters) – A Serbian union official who chopped off his finger and ate it in a protest over wages that in some cases have not been paid in years, said Monday he did it to show how desperate he and other workers were.
"We, the workers have nothing to eat, we had to seek some sort of alternative food and I gave them an example," Zoran Bulatovic told Reuters. "It hurt like hell."

It hurt like hell? No shit? Which part...the chopping of the finger...the swallowing of his own finger...or the ass kicking his wife gave him for being so fucking stupid? You know what they say: "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." In this case though, it might be adviseable to trust your own judgement. Besides, who the hell gives a shit what Romans do?

In other news, "Porky's Pandemic" has reached emergency stages, which on the homeland security color meter is......uuuuuuuummmm....I have no friggin' idea. Let's call it fuschia.

Just for shits and giggles, the following headlines were ripped from newspapers across the country in the last week:

TWO RUSSIAN SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 3 YEARS

WAR DIMS HOPES FOR PEACE

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT



Bdabee bdabee bdabee dats all folks


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

And While I'm at it

If you are a U.S. Service man or woman, or a former U.S. service man or woman who served in the Middle East since 1990, you hereby have complete authorization to take a 36" long, 32 oz Lousville Slugger wooden baseball bat and beat the livin' shit out of any doctor, lawyer, or government official who tells you Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Gulf War Syndrome are not real. Legally.

And speaking of that, any American who doesn't kneel down and kiss the ring of any military man or woman, any honest police officer, or any firefighter or nurse, you are hereby on notice that they may also take the same baseball bat and beat the fuck out of you without any chance of legal issues or problems.

'Nuff said.

Are you a D an R or an I? And who gives a shit anyways?

Senator Arlen Specter (R) Pennsylvania, recently declared that he was no longer going to be a Republican, and he would soon be changing to a Democrat. He's going from a R to a D, and the truth of the matter is he's really a D-I-C-K.

C'mon. Who gives a fuck?

He said two things that struck me...first of all, he said he now believes in the democratic ideals more than the far right that the leadership of the republican party is spouting. Now to be honest, that may be true...PARTLY. The real reason more than likely is he has evaluated his chances of reelection this fall and poll data has shown that his ancient ass is gonna get kicked like Mike Tyson vs. Mickey Rooney.

Democratic ideals my ass! He has no chance of staying in his job, so he's taking steps to ensure he does. As with ALL politicians, you can tell they are lying by watching their lips move. The second thing he said was the President was going to campaign for him.

The president. Of the United States. Is going to campaign for him. What? A bleeding economy, swine flu, war and Al Quaeda aren't enough to keep the President busy? For the record, I am now going to offer the solution to most of our problems.

1) Term limits. PERIOD! How come every elected official in this country has term limits except the House and Senate? Because the House and Senate make the fucking rules, that's why. Here's my suggested rule. Two terms and your ass is back in the law office suing McDonalds for being stupid enough to serve hot coffee to people who want.....uuuuummmm....HOT COFFEE.

2) Governors and the President cannot campaign for anyone, anytime, anywhere. Get to work assholes, and stop fucking shit up.

3) No more D, R, or I. From now on, it's Mr Smith vs. Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Jones believes in this, Mr. Smith believes in that...screw party affiliation. I don't agree with abortion, but I also don't get involved in telling others what is right and wrong. I don't own a gun, but I believe in the 2nd amendment. What the hell does that make me? Parties are hereby disolved by my order. No more Independent-Demofucklicans!

4) Get a fucking job. If you're 23, healthy, and all you want to do is sit on your couch watching the Price is Right while drawing a federal subsidy, you're done. Go clean some toilets or do one of those jobs "Americans won't do". Either that or get the hell out. Now.

5) No more parties - no more lobbyists. Anyone who claims to be a lobbyist or does lobbyist activites will immediately be sent to Af-fuckin-ghanistan to perform human shield duty.

6) No pork projects. You need a new bridge? Ask for one. You fraudulently sequester taxpayer money without being forthright, you're going to human shield duty with the Abramoff's.

7) A national sales tax, and with that a flat tax. Does that make me a Libertarian? Not any more. Liberrepublifucks are not allowed in the United States of JL4.

That's it...in less than a year we'd be sitting once again on top. And speaking of that, all this lame assed bullshit about appologizing for being the biggest, baddest, m-effer on the block? I LIKED IT when we were the toughest country out there. Too bad if Syria is a shit-hole. None of my kids are Syrian, so I don't care. And in closing, I think people who use the word "FUCK" in creative ways should be paid for it.

Peace.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

***** flu

Israeli official: Swine flu name offensive
1 day ago
JERUSALEM (AP) — The outbreak of swine flu should be renamed "Mexican" influenza in deference to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork, said an Israeli health official Monday.
Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman said the reference to pigs is offensive to both religions and "we should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu," he told a news conference at a hospital in central Israel.
Both Judaism and Islam consider pigs unclean and forbid the eating of pork products.

I'm on board with this one for sure. These kind, wholesome people should not be thouroughly insulted by naming a flu after a dirty disgusting beast. To think that we would even think of offending our car-bombing, airline-hijacking, child-murdering, terrorist-fuck Arab friends is disgusting to me. By all means, show a little kindness to the Al Quaeda harboring IED building punks, they're people too.

From now on, let's just call it "Porky's Pandemic", and leave the poor desert people alone to fuck their camels and take their yearly baths.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

BNL The Old Apartment

Broke into the old apartment
This is where we used to live
Broken glass, broke and hungry
Broken hearts and broken bones
This is where we used to live

Why did you paint the walls?
Why did you clean the floor?
Why did you plaster over the hole I punched in the door?
This is where we used to live

Why did you keep the mousetrap?
Why did you keep the dishrack?
These things used to be mine
I guess they still are, I want them back

Broke into the old apartment
Forty-two stairs from the street
Crooked landing, crooked landlord
Narrow laneway filled with crooks.
This is where we used to live.

Why did they pave the lawn?
Why did they change the locks?
Why did I have to break it, I only came here to talk
This is where we used to live

How is the neighbor downstairs?
How is her temper this year?
I turned up your tv and stomped on the floor just for fun
I know we dont live here anymore
We bought an old house on the danforth
She loves me and her body keeps me warm
Im happy here
But this is where we used to live

Broke into the old apartment
Tore the phone out of the wall
Only memories, fading memories
Blending into dull tableaux

I want them back
I want them back

Barenaked Ladies-Brian Wilson

Drove downtown in the rain nine-thirty on a Tuesday night,
just to check out the late-night record shop.
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insane,
but when I'm surrounded I just can't stop.

It's a matter of instinct, it's a matter of conditioning,
it's a matter of fact.
You can call me Pavlov's dog.
Ring a bell and I'll salivate. How'd you like that?
Dr. Landy tell me you're not just a pedagogue,
cause right now I'm

Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Well I'm lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did.

So I'm lying here, just staring at the ceiling tiles.
and I'm thinking about what to think about.
Just listening and relistening to Smiley Smile,
and I'm wondering if this is some kind of creative drought
because I am

And if you want to find me I'll be out in the sandbox,
wondering where the hell all the love has gone.
Playing my guitar and building castles in the sun,
and singing "Fun, Fun, Fun."

I had a dream that I was three hundred pounds
and though I was very heavy,
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
I floated 'til I could not see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me because I'm

Drove downtown in the rain nine-thirty on a Tuesday night.
Just to check out the late-night record shop.
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insane;
but when I'm surrounded I just can't stop.


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Throw it all away
Let's lose our selves
'cause there's no one left for us to blame
It's a shame, we're all dying
And do you think you deserve your freedom?

How could you send us so far away from home?
When you know damn well that this is wrong
I would still lay down my life for you

And do you think you deserve your freedom¿
No, I don't think you do

There's no justice in the world

There's no justice in the world

And there never was

Saturday, April 04, 2009