Stop it right now!

On MSN.com (the most widely viewed daily news site in the United States), there is an article today that says U.S. and U.S. military not prepared for a WMD attack."

No shit? For real, Homer? Allow me to use my 21 years of miltary service as a background for this post, and let you in on what should not be - but apparently is - a secret. NO ONE is prepared for a WMD attack. Anywhere in the world; any time now; 40 years ago; or 40 years hence.

No amount of money, training, or physical preparation will prepare this country or any other country for the devestation, totatality, long-range health, birth defects, societal frustration, anger, outrage, and eventual backlash of a bio, chem, or nuclear attack of any consequence. The crushing strain of our medical and burn centers will disintigrate the integrity of the insurance business and governmental health components. I could go on for hours and scare the holy shit out of you with prognostications and speculation on how our nation will self-destruct, but that is for some dimwad at MSN, CNN, or ASS to tell you about.

You see, once the world got a good glimpse of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the way the game was played took on a whole new set of rules. Two countries comprehended both the rules and the implications of violations or infractions of those rules: The US of A and The Soviet Union. After bullshitting about in the early 1960's with Cuba and the United States' willing participation in a war intended to do nothing more than show the Soviets we would do anything, at any cost, to come out on top in the "Who-shot-the-rocket?" show, both sides came to the obvious conclusion that the only way to survive a nuclear war was to not have one. That's how SALT (Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty) and SALTII came about.

If we blew the crap outta Moscow and Vladivostock while they simultaneously barrel-assed Miami and Salt Lake City, the long-term winner would have been? Correct: China.

So the red,white, and blue and the red got together...eyed each other cautiously...and shook hands in the unspoken moment where two parties know something that no one else does. In this case, that would be mutual survivability was the responsibility of both nations.

So if you are a reporter looking for a story, go to UCLA medical center and bother Britney. Stop scaring the shit out of people by telling them their country is not capable of taking care of them, when the truth of the matter is the country never has been able to take care of you with respect to WMD's. Scare tactics are bullshit, and don't create a positive environment for anyone. Instead, tell the truth.

Like I just did.

Cloverfield vs Godzilla

Godzilla = Tokyo
Cloverfield = NYC Advantage: Push

Godzilla = Not afraid to show his face
Cloverfield = Mysterious and missing from view Advantage:Godzilla

Godzilla = Sequel after sequel
Cloverfield = One and done? Advantage: Godzilla

Godzilla = Broken Japaninglish, where the lips don't match the dialog
Cloverfiled = Broken NYC English, where the words don't match the spelling (Kawfee = Coffee)
Advantage: Push

Godzilla = Fire breathing mouth
Cloverfield = Fire producing swats Advantage: Push

Godzilla = Fought King Kong in one sequel
Cloverfield = Fought Jason Giambi after he banged the needle into his arse with the bull testosterone. Advantage: Cloverfield

Godzilla = Filmed in Technicolor
Cloverfield = Filmed with a Sony hand-held bought at Circuit City with an Xmas gift card.
Advantage: Godzilla

Godzilla - Fought the Japanese military and lost
Cloverfield - Fought the U.S. Army and won Advantage? Cloverfield

Godzilla - Died in every version and sequel
Cloverfield - Dead ????? Advantage: Hollywood & Cloverfield

Totals:

Godzilla = 3 Wins 3 Losses 4 Ties(push)

Cloverfield = 3 Wins 3 Losses 4 Ties(push)

Hollywood = 1 Win

Let the debate begin.

Remain Calm at all times

Recently named College Football Coach of the year, Kansas' Mark Mangino was hospitalized yesterday for tests that as of this writing have not been disclosed. Mangino led Kansas to a 12-1 season, culminating in an Orange Bowl victory in Miami on New Years night.

Speculation exists that the rather rotund coach may have eaten pages 2 thru 4 of the Denny's menu on Saturday. Other sources say the missing men's lacrosse team may also tie in with Mangino's recent episodes.

What? What???

Whaaaaaa???

Bawbwa Wawltews has reported that Britney Spears closest friend says she has been seeking psychiatric help, and her mom is supportive. Britney? Mental problems? Noooo waaaay!!!

Senator Ted Kennedy officially endorsed Barak Obama from the Champagne room of the Kitty Kat Club in downtown Boston. Apparently CNN has lowered the flag to half staff in response.

Roger Clemens agent has drafted an 18,000 word document outlining Clemens' career and is attempting to use it to defend his case against steroid and HGH accusations. Apparently, he's unaware of the business model "If it's more than one page, they'll stop reading." Spokesperson for Leonoid Tolstoy had no comment.

The State of the Union is tonight, and the President will speak about the uhhhhhh.....the uhhhhh...the need for more kids to be bi-lingual, and speak languages like Mexican.

CNN reported tonight that 36 soldiers have been killed in Iraq this month, when actually 12 have been Marines. Evidently, CNN does not prescribe to the standard that professionalism means knowing and using proper terminology. Later tonight, they have a story about a meteor or an asteroid - they're not really sure which is which.

The truth about inconsequentisciousness

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Barry Bonds asked a federal judge to dismiss perjury charges against him Wednesday, arguing the indictment is "scattershot" and noted for its "striking inartfulness."

Scattershot and striking inartfullness? Why not say the conclusions were based upon implausible totalitaryness? Or perhaps, deniable factivity?

While you're at it Barroid, why don't you ask the judge to strike down Roe v Wade....or perhaps set Charlie Manson free? You could make the motion as a combined Helter Skelter abortamectomy based upon ridiculosiosis of the percentages of qualified depositionizing.

The coming weeks will tell the story...no matter the long-range contributory societological defects.

Runners...start your thesouri.

Faakken Notebook

I was forced to change professions recently, and in doing so, I had to jump into the deep and foreboding waters of technolia. Technolia lies just northeast of confusionville, hard along the eastern border of exhasperton. After an extensive research and fact-finding tour of Office-Fax, Circle-City, Orafice Depot, and Bestest-Buy, not to mention hours of "giggling" manufacturers sites, I finally settled upon and purchased a German-made laptop, the Faakken 203B.

I decided to go with the Faakken computer because it had 13 gigabooms of LAM and over 250 bites of HAM. Both my physical search and my "giggle" search said the best laptop maker in the world today was Faakken Technologies.

Being new to the laptop world, I was pleased to know everyone thought the Faakken computer had the best reliability, service, and even had a Faakken website. I wanted to be able to be online in my Faakken laptop, because my kids are always on the main computer in the house. So I had to buy what they call a "router" (pronounced Row-ter), which I always thought was a roo-ter, as in Roote 66. So off I went in search of my rowter-rooter, and Radio Shack is where I ended up. As it turns out, they make a Faakken router, and since I had a Faakken laptop, it made sense to buy a Faakken router to compliment it.

The Faakken box said the instructions were simple to follow and understand, which usually means you need a PHD in Mechanical Engineering from M.I.T. to understand - but - much to my surprise, the Faakken instructions for the Faakken router where exactly as advertised. All I had to do was place the Faakken disk into my Dell PC, and then follow the prompts for installing the Faakken router.

20 minutes later, and here I am in my bedroom, typing on my Faakken laptop courtesy of the Faakken technologies router. This is so cool, my lips have just crystallized and fallen in a million pieces onto the keyboard of my Faakken laptop.

And so out there, this marks the first post I have made from my Faakken laptop. Now back to the golf tournament on the tube.

Peace

Your nose is longer than a telephone wire

Roger Clemens will soon be taking the stand in front of Congress

Kids can say the darndest things...

....so can adults.

As a huge sports fan and former accomplished golfer, I heard an interview on the radio the other day that made me laugh, cry, and proud all at the same time. It was so profound, I remembered every word spoken, and do not need a copy of the transcript to repeat it here.

The conversation took place between national radio sports talk host Jim Rome and his guest, David Feherety of CBS sports golf coverage. Mr. Feherety was once a member of the European PGA Tour, and member of the bi-annual Ryder Cup team, a winner of dozens of European Tour events, and has been a live commentator on CBS' broadcasts for at least 10 years, perhaps longer. He is the genuine article...glib, hilarious, intelligent, and spontaneous. He speaks in a deep Irish accent, and provides warmth and energy to any conversation he is part of, to include his on-air broadcasts.

Feherety went on a USO mission with Hall of Fame golfer Tom Watson, Tiger Woods' teacher Butch Harmon, former British Open champion Tom Lehman, and 2 senior tour players.

The conversation yesterday eventually got around to the host asking Feherety how his recent (December 2007) trip to Iraq was, and this is what transpired:

Rome: So David, how was Iraq?

Feherety: It was the most emotional 8 days of my life. As God is my witness, I have never been around a more extraordinary group of people than the United States service men and women. When I went there, I was fully expecting to see thousands of demoralized, desperate human beings. I mean, the blanket of coverage by the media tells us daily of the misery these people are in. But when I got there - much to my delight and surprise - I found this to be the exact opposite. These men and women were upbeat, resolute, professionally courteous, and genuinely appreciative of my presence and in turn their role in Iraq. They didn't want to leave; they wanted to win, and they were adamant about me telling everyone back home about it. Let me make this clear: These were not soldiers led around by the nose and appointed to talk to us. There were no restrictions on whom we could converse with, and therefore we spoke freely with everyone.

Rome: Tell me more.

Feherety: Well, first of all, I was terrified to be in Anbarh province. We flew everywhere by Huey helicopter with Cobra gunship helicopter escorts. We wore full flack jackets and helmets, and it was nervy, to say the least. But when you are being protected by the United States Marine Corps, there is a certain calm that overcomes you; and you realize your in perfectly capable hands.

Rome: They tell me you got to see Saddam's palace.

Feherety: Yes, I even got to use his golden toilet. Left him a present too.

Rome: You left him a present (laughs)? I would think he wouldn't want such a present.

Feherety: Well, it was more symbolic than anything.

Rome: How long were you there?

Feherety: 8 days total. I don't know if you know this, but I suffer from mild depression and cannot sleep. I would be up wandering around at 3 am, and that's when I spoke to most soldiers and marines. I be in the mess hall chatting, out in the open chatting, got into a poker game in a tent and had a blast, even sat guard with two marines. Jim, these are the most extraordinary, intelligent, motivated, and professional people in the entire Unites States, without a doubt. Unfortunately, the closer the population gets the Washington, DC. the dumber it gets.

Rome: It put it all in focus for you, didn't it?

Feherety: Let me tell you what did, Jim. We were in Basra, awaiting our flight to Saudi Arabia. Just before we got airborne, we were told we were going to make a quick stop at Bilal airbase to do some "HR". We had no idea what HR was until we arrived a Bilal. It's important to note that we were on a C5 aircraft, which is the most monumental thing you'll ever see in your life. When any aircraft settles down at a combat airfield, they leave their engines running unless this is their final destination. We got down, the aircraft settled in, and shut the engines off entirely. The back hatch groaned open, and we all figured out immediately what HR was:

Human Remains.

The air force task force gently lowered the flag draped casket onto the C5 hatch, stepped back and saluted, then a set of pulleys and gears gently lowered the casket into the airplane right between where we were sitting. Jim, when we landed, F16's were roaring overhead constantly. As the honor guard did for this casket what they did, I could see the F16's overhead, but strangely I couldn't hear them any more. We all watched in reverent silence as the impromptu ceremony took place, and then sat shocked as the casket came inside with us. We were informed that we did not have a casket - rather, another passenger. We all nodded our understanding, and soon we were off. I turned to look at Tom Watson, and he immediately turned away, his eyes flooded with tears. Another one of the golfers was weeping....yes weeping...that is the only way to describe it. The next morning, I was home. And I felt alone and guilty.

Rome (his voice clearly cracking): Ummmm, yes. I can see that.

The conversation went back to the minutia of golf and sports, but the impact had been made. David Feherety....like everyone else who goes there...left with a 180 degree opposite opinion than that displayed on our nightly tv's and morning newspapers.

Comedian Jeffery Ross made a movie about his trip, and he too was similarly moved. It's an excellent watch, and I highly recommend it.

God Bless David Feherety, Tom Watson, Jeffrey Ross and anyone else who has the courage and the fortitude to go over there to see and entertain for themselves. Perhaps the NY Times needs to organize a field trip as well.

Peace

Change

In 1984, George Bush was the Vice President. In 1988, the American people wanted change, so they voted for?

George Bush.

In 1992 the American people wanted change, so the voted for?

William J. Clinton

In 1996, the American people wanted more change, so they again voted for?

William J. Clinton

With pesky laws in place in 2000, WJ Clinton was forced to step aside, and the American people wanted change; so they voted for?

George W. Bush

Wanting even further change in 2004, the American people voted for?

George W. Bush

And now, in 2008, the nation screams out for change. The face of that overwhelming change is?

Hillary Rodham Clinton


This message brought to you by the Bush-Bush-Clinton-Clinton-Bush-Bush-Clinton committee for positive change, because after 24 years, we know that change often means doing exactly what we have always done.

Ok...you may change the blogging channel now.

OY!!

On occasion, you get to note some things in life that are really good as a comparison study. For example, if you're unsure of your mental standing as compared to the rest of society's main body, stories about people getting a bottle-rocket violently shoved up their down-side on the 4th of July, or getting their head stuck inside a toilet bowl - provide us all with some fine examples of where we stand.

Unless that is, you're the one who suffocated him or herself jumping into the 10 foot snow drift off of their roof.

With that, I give you some latest examples, with my comments in blue.

The Swedish Agriculture and Sciences department has secured a 2 year grant for $539,000,000.00 (Yep - $539Million) to study the effects of cow farts and cow burps on Global Warming. "Hi. I'm Darryl, and this is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl."

A Michigan couple sued the owners of a nearby business claiming that dust, noise and vibrations invaded their property and therefore were trespassing. A jury actually found in their favor, but a Court of Appeals panel overturned the jury's verdict. The Appeals court stated that noise, vibrations and dust are intangible objects and can not be considered as trespassers. I have no idea for sure, but I'm thinking nose buggars cannot be charged rental fees for housing either.

In Hayden, Idaho, a man cut off his own hand and cooked it up in the microwave because he believed it bore the mark of the beast. "It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived," said sheriff's Capt. Ben Wolfinger. The man is currently under observation at the mental health unit of Kootenai Medical Center. Apparently, this guy had been reading the Book of Matthew, which advises that "if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away." When the Bible says, "Abraham tied his ass to a tree and walked a mile"...it's generally assumed he was indeed speaking of his donkey.

A survey carried out by Fitness magazine found that 23 percent of women would be willing to shave their heads or spend a week in jail in order to be at their ideal weight, and 83 percent of women would rather have an 11th toe than be 50 pounds heavier. Not too surprising, but 21 percent of women also claimed that they would be willing to take a full 10 years off their lives in order to reach their ideal weight. That thing I once said about wanting to be like a male porn star so bad I'd chop off an arm? I was kidding.

ANNNND FINALLY:

A woman in North Carolina who robbed a Bank of America and felt she didn't get enough dough, turned herself in to the sheriff's office hoping to claim the reward for her arrest. "9-1-1; can I help you?" Yes, I'd like to report a large amount of cocaine is in the trunk of a '97 Nissan. "And where is the car, ma'am?" Right here....I'll wait.

Clinton, Obama Engage in Bitter Debate
an 21, 10:30 PM (ET)By NEDRA PICKLER

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. (AP) - Democratic presidential rivals Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama accused each other of repeatedly and deliberately distorting the truth for political gain Monday night in a highly personal, finger-wagging debate that ranged from the war in Iraq to Bill Clinton's role in the campaign.

Obama told the former first lady he was helping unemployed workers on the streets of Chicago when "you were a corporate lawyer sitting on the board at Wal-Mart."

Moments later, Clinton said that she was fighting against misguided Republican policies "when you were practicing law and representing your contributor ... in his slum landlord business in inner city Chicago."

She then called him a "Black Bastard", and he called her a "White supremacist power-monger bent upon sexual upheaval".

Moderator John Stewart was caught without words, and then gave a promo to the upcoming Steven Colbert special, "Why the Smithsonian was wrong".

Tune in next week, as Mike Huckabee calls John McCain a "communist sympathizer".

I keed, I keed... JL4

Endorsement

Hmmmm

If I were a boy, you'd like me.






Who you callin boy? If I was white, you'd like me.

Ladies and gentlemen....the Democratic Nominee for the 2008 Presidential election.

Dahm Dahm duh dam, du du dam da dam du da da.

Fleetwood Mac -

They left this one off "Rumors", which was a mistake.

Almost a year

It's been almost a year, and worth a look back...they're not as good as they head into the playoffs next week, so the same magic probably won't be there.

http://jl4.blogspot.com/2007/02/game-that-would-be-king-part-i.html

http://jl4.blogspot.com/2007/02/game-that-would-be-king-part-ii.html

http://jl4.blogspot.com/2007/02/game-that-would-be-king-part-iii.html

http://jl4.blogspot.com/2007/02/game-that-would-be-king-part-iv.html

http://jl4.blogspot.com/2007/02/game-that-would-be-king-epilogue.html

So much fun...athletics at its finest and purest.

Train - When I look To the Sky

To: USMC LCPL Patrick John Muracca

24 Fec 1969 Quang Tri Provonce

Only you'll know when the moment is right, and you'll need to have all your strength and energy to haul 78 buckets of hot water across that field while naked and being told how slowly you're going.

Because Trix are for kids.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? i iiii

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?

ELO - I Cant Get It Out Of My Head.

Midnight on the water.
I saw the ocean's daughter.
Walking on a wave's chicane,
staring as she called my name.

And I can't get it out of my head,
no, I can't get it out of my head.
Now my old world is gone for dead
'cos I can't get it out of my head.

Breakdown on the shoreline,
can't move, it's an ebbtide.
Morning don't get here tonight,
searching for her silver light.

And I can't get it out of my head,
no, I can't get it out of my head.
Now my old world is gone for dead
'cos I can't get it out of my head, no no.

Bank job in the city.
Robin Hood and William Tell and Ivanhoe and Lancelot, they don't envy me.
Sitting till the sun goes down,
in dreams the world keeps going round and round.

And I can't get it out of my head,
no, I can't get it out of my head.
Now my old world is gone for dead
'cos I can't get it out of my head, no no.

No, I can't get it out of my head,
no, I can't get it out of my head.
Now my old world is gone for dead
'cos I can't get it out of my head, no no no no.

Language

New Phrases:

Get your head out of your Al Sharpton.

Why don't you just go and Al Sharpton yourself?

He's the biggest horses Al Sharpton in town.

You son of an Al Sharpton.

Mother-Al-Sharpton! That hurt!!!

Obama sure Al Sharptoned up NH, eh?

Stupid? Beyond stupid. He's Al Sharpton.

He's a low-life piece of Al Sharpton.

Al Sharpton me!!!

Al Sharpton 'em!!!

What the Al Sharpton?

Gimme an F
Gimme a U
Gimme a C
Gimme a K.....what's that spell?

Al Sharpton! What's that spell?

Al Sharpton! What's that spell?

Al Sharpton.