25 years....redux

In listing the 25 top stories of the last 25 years http://jl4.blogspot.com/2007/06/25-years.html, I feel it is my obligation to list the top 25 stories you NEVER HEARD OR READ. These are listed chronologically, and therefore are not categorized by importance.


Without further ado...


1982. Nancy Reagan is told "We're just saying no" when she attempts to have The White House painted "a nice shade of seashell green."

1983. Space Shuttle astronauts perform the first space walk. Michael Jackson performs the first moon walk, and the entire group Metallica walks into rehab and stays there for nearly 15 years.


1984. Clara Beller, famous for Wendy's annoying "Where's the beef?" T.V. commercials, dies after a wild night of drinking, sitting, forgetting, losing their teeth, and finally - cow tipping in the pasture located next to the "Olden Times" rest home in Palo Alto California. One of the bovines fell on her, allowing her - once and for all - to know where the beef actually was.


1985. A joint American-French expedition locates the remains of HMS Titanic. Geraldo Rivera opens up the captain's personal foot locker and finds a coupon for $5 off a massage at Rosie's of Brooklyn.

1986. A record 328 millimeters of rain falls on Sydney Australia in a 12 hour period, causing citizens and scientists alike to exclaim in frustration, "Does anyone know what the hell 328 millimeters is?"


1987. The "Assemblies of God" defrocks televangelist Jim Bakker for having too many consecutive "caa" sounding consonants in his name.


1988. Mikhail Gorbachev invents Mapquest, initiating the project by drawing a graphic representation of Albania on his forehead.


1989. The first Global Positioning Satellites are placed in orbit. As of this writing, no American man owns a personal GPS, nor will they stop - ever - to ask directions. The future mirrors the past. Technology be damned.


1990. The first McDonalds opens in Moscow. Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a Bolshevik bun.


1991. The Supreme Council of the Republic of Georgia declares independence. Riots break out in the streets of Atlanta before city and federal agencies convince the citizens it was the former Soviet Union Georgia, not the one in the U.S.


1992. The Socialist Republic of Yugoslavia begins to break up. Slovakia, Croatia, Inertia, Dementia, Minutia, and Militia declare their independence.


1993. Martin Luther King day is celebrated in all 50 states for the first time ever. As an act of retribution, federal law declares that at least 3 streets in cities with a population exceeding 700 residents must be named after Dr. King.


1994. Monika Lewinski is named special counsel to the President on internal affairs.

1995. During the OJ Simpson trial, Johnny Cochran is filmed furiously writing down limerick's on a cocktail napkin. Caught between, "If it's the Juice...ya gotta let him loose" and "If da glove don't fit, you have to aquit." Cochran settles on the latter.


1996. Suspected Uni-bomber, Theodore Kacznynski, is arrested at his Montana cabin. Johnny Cochran takes over Kacznynski's defense, proclaiming, "If his name you cannot spell, you may not condemn him to hell."

1997. The world's money markets take a plunge, as thousands of stockbrokers and traders throughout the United States and the Far East receive the news that a Colombian Cartel has been broken up, and the cocaine shipments they were all counting upon would be delayed at least 36 hours.

1998. Apple computers unveil the iMac computer, soon to be followed by the iPOD, iPEE, iBlackberry, iWannacookie, iYayYay, and the iDunnowherethisisgoing.

1999. The groundbreaking British Television show Queer as folk airs in London. Not to be outdone, the United States begins filming for the shows, What not to wear, Design on a dime, House Hunters, Queer guys with chunky thighs, and the establishment of the House and Garden and Bravo TV networks.

2000. Y2K strikes America. Millions begin suffering from malaise, apathetic rejection of commonly held behavioral patterns, frivolous lawsuits, and an addiction to something called "E-Bay." The Y2K bandit (as he is called by the media) is still at large.

2001. George W. Bush is sworn in as the 43rd President of the United States, even though he "Doesn't speak Mexican."

2002. NASA's Mars Oddysey space probe begins mapping out the surface of Mars using something called, "Thermal Emission Imaging System". In Payute Oklahoma, Merle and Ethel Frankenbauer plan a trip to their cousin Bert's 5th [or was it his 6th?] wedding by maping out their trip on line, using the "directions" function of this there new-fangled Mapquest thaaang.

2003. The United States Department of Homeland Security is established, principally to target octogenarians carrying finger nail clippers and wearing large belt buckles at the airport.

2004. 225,000 New Yorkers file IRS paperwork claiming lost wages for unused tickets purchased for the World Series against the St. Louis Cardinals. (Ha! Got another one in!!)

2005. Famed lawyer Johnny Cochran dies of an inoperable brain tumor. At his funeral, witnesses say a loud, booming voice came from the sky and declared, "If you tell a lie, you'll surely die."

2006. U.S. Vice President Dick Chaney accidentally shoots his friend and lawyer (you thought I was going to say Johnny Cochran again, didn't you?) in the face. The attorney suffers brain damage, which is not a disqualifying trait in the law profession.

2007. The International Red Cross and Red Crescent movements merge and immediately change their name to the International Red Crystal Movements, to take away any religious affiliation with their group. In a related story, the Easter Bunny is now called The-Late-March-to-Early-April-dependent-upon-the-Moon-Bunny, and Christmas is lobbying to be called NFL-wildcard-weekend-where-we-put-up-lights-and-stuff-holiday.

Again...Goodnight Gracie. Seriously.