Oh my myself. I swear to myself, this is the truth

Hey Everybody, God here.

I just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions, misunderstandings, and outright lies that have been perpetrated down there in earthland by the Jim and Tammy Fae's over the years. Where should I start? Oh yeah...

OJ, Patsy Ramsey, and Casey Anthony did it. Yes they did. Last year I got into this heated argument at the gate. Peter called me saying Patsy was demanding entrance, and that I had better go intervene. I got there and all I could say was "Patsy...are you fucking kidding me? I'm Me, and I SAW YOU DO IT". Needless to say, she was still arguing when the Archangel Herb was placing her on the elevator and pushing the down button 17 times. You get 17 levels deeper if you fit into that special category that Patsy did. I gotta write myself a note to check up on her and see how she's doing.

Are you listening Casey??? You're getting 17 pushes yourself. Maybe 18...I'm still undecided.

Ok...now that we're laying it on the line, so to speak, let me address this issue of Allah. Those violent, illiterate, backwoods bastards think they're praying 5 times a day to ME! They even screwed up the instruction manual. Actually, I said bring "love" and those assholes thought I said "Rugs" and so they drag a piece of weather-worn carpet around in the desert to kneel on, instead of just getting the fuck down and doing it right.

Alright, back to the original sentence. When I saw how stuuuupid these idiots were, I gave them to my cousin Acknad Sooliman IV, gave him the nickname Allah, and sent those stupid ass-wipes a message to get them all in line with cousin Acknad. I clearly said "destroy all the reigns" not in favor with me, and I swear to myself I never - ever - said "destroy all the planes". Good myself in Heaven, talk about lost in translation!

Ok, let's cover this health care issue o-n-e m-o-r-e t-i-m-e. I remember it as if it were last Tuesday - actually I think it WAS last Tuesday - I told Barry..."the program is meant to support people who work, but don't get paid enough to enjoy genuinely good health care", but that dipshit somehow twisted that to say, "Even if you only make $10 an hour, I'm gonna tax the shit outta you so your lazy-assed neighbor on food stamps and welfare gets the same health considerations you do".

And this ladies and germs (I loved Miltie...had him appear at the Heavenly Oasis just the other night. I had grrreeeaaat seats!)...Oh, sorry....as I was saying, every time I say something there are whole groups of douchebags who totally fuck it up. Most of them profess this that and the other thing about themselves, but in truth they wouldn't know the difference between sacrifice and sacrilege if I sent a cobra down to bite them in the neck with it. Perhaps I should...note to self...

Jim Jones, David Koresch, Adolf Hitler, and Jerry Seinfeld immediately come to mind. Stop selling your lame bullshit to the masses, or you too will not have your contract renewed. Along those lines, I gotta be totally honest with you. I was the guy who started the "World is gonna end in 2012" crap, which I thought was hysterically funny until A&E and the Discovery Channel made millions doing stories about it, but now I'm reconsidering whether or not to really do it. I mean, I can't even get spare parts for my Hummer now that you guys have totally fucked that up, and my condo in Vail has been so depreciated I'll end up taking a major bath if I try and sell it. WTF are you all doing down there?

I created Walt Disney and gave him all that swamp land for fun and frolic, but Orlando is now the home to over a hundred intercity drug and violence related murders a year? I know I set aside that shit for D.C. because I wanted the assholes running the U.S. to be running for their cars in fear at night. But I never wanted Sea World messed with.

I'm so fed up with your behavior and attitudes, it's pissing me off in a celestial way. Yep...he's white and you're black. Deal with it or I'll be forced to deal with you. I'm not perfect myself....Myself knows I created lawyers in the mistaken belief they would provide justice in the world, but when the guy drank a fifth of Jack and killed the whole family on I-84, I didn't want you attorneys to sue Jack Daniels, you dipshits! Sue the dink who drank the shit, and get your priorities straight.

Ohhh my Myself...I have a headache. Get it right down there Myself dammit! Love thy neighbor and all that garbage, or you'll be facing the biggest shitstorm since Jesse Helms was elected in South Carolina. I mean it!

KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!!!

- G