Differences

Last week, Tropical Storm FAY entered Florida...exited Florida...entered again...exited again...entered again...exited again...and finally entered for a fourth excruciating time.

Meteorologists - a strange term, wouldn't you say? Why don't they focus on meteors instead of heat waves and thunderstorms? - well, anyway, meteorologists have given 3,765 reasons for TS FAY being so capricious and ultimately destructive, none of which match up with the JL4 Basis Of Offbeat Biometric Storming, also known by its acronym BOOBS.

Let me give you a quick refresher course. In the now-famous summer of 2004, when Florida was lashed with 4 hurricanes, the first of these, CHARLIE roared through just south of Tampa, and made a North by Northeast beeline for an exit just south of Jacksonville. CHARLIE was unfortunately deadly and destructive, but he knew what he wanted and simply got down to doing it. The fourth storm of that year, IVAN, hit the panhandle in much the same manner as CHARLIE. The problem storms that year were FRANCES and JEAN. FRANCES, obviously a prelude to 2008's FAY, was supposed to be a piss-ant storm that did no harm.

But noooooooooooooooooo, as John Belushi would say. Not this FRANCES chick.

She overstayed her welcome by nearly 132 hours, bringing on flooding of epic proportions. Hurricane JEAN was scheduled to miss everything in the country, a storm destined to die harmlessly in the northern Atlantic. Instead, JEAN circled up, circled west, circled east, pinwheeled south, jogged north again, spun, put her left leg in...pulled her left leg out...did the hokey pokey cuz that was what it was all about...and then slammed mercilessly in into and across Central Florida, bashing the crap out of Orlando and it's surrounding cities for the 3rd time in 48 days.

Lastly, the JL4 BOOBS theory talks about KATRINA. A simplistic storm that hit south Florida with a whimper and a pout...then changed her mind and became the bitch from hell, terrorizing New Orleans as well as the Mississippi and Alabama coast lines.

Do you see the connection now? You don't?

Male storms...much as their human male counterparts while shopping at Target, get in...make a mad dash for their objective...seize it (even though a better deal in 2 inches away)...then race to get out of the store, as if being chased by a crazy clerk with a taser. (see CHARLIE and IVAN)

Female storms....quite the opposite. Take FRANCES, for example. FRANCES entered through the east coast of Florida, saw an awesome sale at Bloomingdales, stayed around for a couple extra days. When she arrived in Central Florida - specifically yuppie-strewn Winter Park - she knew it was time to have her nails done, while of course all the rain she was producing was making her hair "flat", so she needed a full perm too. After 5 grueling days, she exited by the panhandle, arms overfull with designer bags and more pairs of shoes than a man could ever use in 27 lifetimes.

As for JEAN? Ha! A navigational catastrophe, highlighted by the PMS (Post Monster Storm) rant to her spouse, "I was happy being a tropical depression, but y-y-y-y-y-ou wanted me to become a damn hurricane, you bastard! And now I'm lost because of YOU!!!!!!"

You see folks, all the meteorological - or even cometorlogical or heavenlyorlogical bodiesorlogical experts in the world - cannot derive the simplest of explanations, such as I have in my BOOBS theory. Tell me I'm mistaken, I'll talk of KATRINA. Tell me I'm crazy, and I'll cite the prepared awesomeness and mission-focused attitude of CHARLIE. It's as simple as that.

As further evidence of the BOOBS theory, look at current storm, Hurricane GUSTAV. He is making a direct and spirited run to the Gulf of Mexico....no screwing around....no squeezing the fruits in the Haitian produce section...straight to the Heavy Whipping Cream that his wife sent him to get, regardless of what the hell heavy whipping cream is and what its used for. GUSTAV could care less. And flat hair doesn't bother him either.

In theory, it's high pressure zones, warm water, and whatever else that causes the differences experienced from one storm to the next. I - for one anyways - say all that stuff is double talk.

It's BOOBS, plain and simple.