As I watched the Shamwow infomercial for the 12th time last night, I arrived at a solution that will aid all of mankind. It was a process I went through to arrive at my moment of genius, and I am happy to relay it to you.
As I watched our guy here wrap a soaking wet sweater in a shamwow, seconds later amazed that the sweater was completely dry and wearable, my mind began to think of the possibilities.
Let's say the damn bursts, and the torrent of water is racing towards ma and pa's peanut farm. You could easily have a ready-made shamwow "net", much like the ones you see behind the goal posts at football games designed to entrap extra point and field goal kicks. The idea would be, as the raging wall of water, trees, concrete foundations, mud, and 1982 Cadillac DeVille's from the broken dam rushed down main street and headed to ma and pa's Circle M peanut patch, you raise the sham wow net up and as the water smashes into the net, it instantaneously disappears. The debris will naturally settle and stop moving as well. No more raging cascade...no flood...no lost peanuts. Shamwow would have diverted a disaster, and Peter Pan and Jiff were saved!
My brilliance was only beginning. Think of the day to day tasks we often find laborious. Need a pool drained? Drop a whole box of shamwow's in there, and within seconds it's as dry as a fart in a Texas windstorm. Tears at a funeral? Not after I invent and market the shamwow tearless eye patches (in dignified black of course, white for pre-September). That Lake holding up your strip-mall development plan? Not any more, as we employ the "EPA Buster", shamwows latest furrow into high finance without repercussions. Kind of like Wall Street without the messiness of bailout money.
My mind raced on. The biggest fear of Global Warming is the melting polar ice caps and the subsequent rising seas, right? I would make one-piece, two-piece, and even thong bikinis and male swim shorts out of shamwow material. We develop and give away 35,000 of these suits, have a national "Save the World So We Can All Say Wow Day" where 17,500 people enter both the Atlantic and Pacific ocean's at the same time, and faster than you can say...uhhhh... "WOW!"... the world's seas will have receded to pre-Jurassic levels! I could and probably would be in line for a Pulitzer for this one as soon as I calmed down PETA over those dead barracuda's and Squids.
While on this roll, I even came upon a marketing strategy for the suits. Years ago, most of you will know they developed a rain repellent material called "GoreTex". Our suits would be the anti-dryness suits, designed to cure the world of its largest ailment. Because it's global warming we are targeting, I thought we should call the suits...
AL GoreTex
Please...please. No applause necessary. Genius is best enjoyed in a low-key manner.
(P.S. There is of course, that pesky matter of 35,000 people sinking and drowning under the weight of their shamwow suits. I can't be bothered with such mundane details when I'm saving the world. You figure that one out; I can't be disturbed. I'm working on an idea for a solution to the energy crisis by deploying long-range tactical nuclear-tipped Pop Tarts. Intellectual flow must not be interrupted)
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