Christmas Spirit

Last night I was in Target looking for a puppet that had something to do with an infants' TV show called "Baby Einstein". Let it be said, I know Baby Einstein about as well as I know Albert Einstein, or as Joe Theisman once called him on Monday Night Football, "Herman Einstein". As a matter of fact, I don't know any of the Einstein Bears.


What? Berenstain....Bernstein...Einstein....Schwartz...whatever.


In any event, this Target employee, playing the part of an inconsiderate idiot in a bad mood (and doing it well, I might add), essentially verbally assaulted me when I asked her where in the toy department I might find Baby Einstein and Dora the Explorer. What she said and how she said it is immaterial, but suffice it to say she wasn't smitten with the Christmas spirit last night. Nor was she especially bright, as I could have easily told her boss. (I didn't) Rudolph must have pissed in her Raisin Bran or something, because she not only failed to help me, she insulted me for not knowing my toys very well.



So today I decided to use my Al Gore model AG93-t interneting connection machine and look up other shining examples of gallant human behavior this holiday season. Bear in mind, it's still November unless your operating under the Aztec calendar, in which case it's the second moon under the solar sign of Lorenzo, or some such thing.

• ROYAL OAK, Mich. - A teenager worried about coming in past curfew did his best Santa Claus and headed down the chimney. Unfortunately, he didn’t slide down quite as well as St. Nick. The 17-year-old boy was trying to sneak back into his room at the Judson Center social services agency Thursday night when he got stuck. A worker at the center heard moaning and followed the noise to the chimney, authorities said. Firefighters extracted him. One word: Stairmaster.



• COLFAX TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A man says he shot and killed a neighbor's cow after mistaking it for a coyote. A mistake easily made. They look identical to me (see above)



• WAUPACA, Wis. - A man who was upset with his wife for not buying beer took vengeance by shooting one of the family's two pet goats, prosecutors say. Peter W. Mischler, 48, was charged this week in Circuit Court with mistreatment of animals, possession of a firearm while intoxicated and disorderly conduct with a dangerous weapon. Perhaps the goat cheated on him? Who knows?



• BRANDYWINE HUNDRED, Del. - A man running naked and drunk on a highway accosted several Good Samaritans and caused three accidents, according to state police. Police said Ardonas Gilbert, 26, of Chester, Pa., was running along the southbound lanes of interstate-95 near Marsh Road about 10 p.m. Monday. Gilbert allegedly assaulted two people who tried to help him get off the road and had caused three separate traffic crashes as people swerved to try to avoid him, police said. No one was seriously injured. Honestly...who hasn't had this happen to them once or twice? I wander out onto the largest North to South interstate in the country - naked - at least three times per month, myself. Did you notice - or just breeze by the fact - that they clocked HIM at 10 mph? And which cop stopped pursuing the naked dude on I-95 long enough to fire up and use the radar gun on him?



• FOND DU LAC, Wis. - A would-be mugger apologized to his victim, saying he had the wrong guy. The man, 36, pulled a knife on a man unloading groceries outside his home, according to a Fond du Lac Police Department report. The knife-wielding man asked for money and attempted to punch the younger man, 27, the report said. Another man pulled the would-be mugger away. Stick em up and don't say a word!!! Dude? Is that you???

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.