It's beginning to look a lot like....an e-coli breakout

It has become fashionable in recent years for each major or minor metropolitan area to have at least one radio station (sometimes more), play continuous Christmas music non-stop through the holiday season. They usually start just after July 4th, and go on through New Years. In doing so, they have to play some horrendous tunes; many of them re-makes by artists better served singing their own style of music.

When I hear Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumkins sing "Tonight", I love it. When I hear him sing "Little Drummer Boy", I take immediate inventory of my kids, for fear he's after them. And so, although I do love Christmas music, I present to you my thoroughly exhaustive and totally opinionated list of 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever. Happy Hannukka, Channukka, Kwanza, or whatever to you all.

10. Santa Baby by Madonna. Look, this is Madonna singing this song, after all. When she sings, "Think of all the fellas I haven't kissed", all I can see in my mind is Sean Penn punching Santa himself under the mistletoe.

9. The Eight Days of Christmas by Destiny's Child. How many days? And belly rings, diamonds, and back rubs sounds like a rendezvous at a Motel 6, not Christmas cheer. I need a shower after hearing this one.

8. Silent Night, as sung by Stevie Nicks. "Silent night, holy nogigsht. All is cahiml, all is hissopog. Round uya bv-ppe , mo thja=e ac col ". Stevie is coming out with a compilation Christmas album with Eddie Vetter of Pearl Jam called, "Stevie and Eddie. What the hell are they saying?"

7. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as sung by Dean Martin. Now I know Deano liked his bourbon....that much is clear. But what in the hell was he thinking here? Smack dab in the middle of this timeless classic, Dean goes all Nazi Germany and says, "Rudy (Rudy????) mit jor nose so bright, von't juu drive mine schleigh tonight?" One word for ya Deano ----- Duuuuude.

6. Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, by John Denver. He used to say this was a funny, tongue-in-cheek song, but I for one don't find a kid pleading for his dad to stay sober on or around Christmas funny. Add to the fact that Mr. Denver died when he crashed his experimental airplane in Monterey Bay because he was - yes, drunk - and I think you get the picture.

5. Do they know it's Christmas, by Band Aid. Awesome beat, awesome song, awesome charity to give all the proceeds to starving children in Ethiopia, BUT....no, they don't know it's Christmas because, a) They don't have calendars, TV's, radio's, or electricity for the most part....and b) They're ISLAMIC, you numbskull's. Besides all that, the line "Thank God its them, and not you", makes me feel selfish and dirty.

4. Reggae Christmas, by Bryan Adams. Ummmmm....yeah. Just. Yeah.

3. Dominick the Christmas Donkey, by Lou Monte. This song is so horrible, there have yet to be adjectives invented to describe it. It has something to do with an Italian donkey, and that's the good part of the song.

2. Anything sung by a Country and Western star. Seriously, when I hear Billy Bob Taylor or Bubba Gump singing, "Oh, holy naaaght. Tha staaars are brahhgtly shaaaanin"... or "Here comes Santee Claaaaws, here a-comes Santee Claaaaws", I start looking for a telephone pole to ram my car into.

1. Speaking of C&W: The Christmas Shoes. Oooooooooh my word, pleeeease turn it off, turn it off!!!! Ever C&W singer on the planet has taken his shot at this gag-fest. My father-in-law, a man who wears blue jeans, boots, thick long-sleeve flannel shirts, and a long scraggly beard in 100+ degree temperatures says, "I likes to dah ever taaaahm I hear that song. I makes me craaaah ma ahhhhs out." Hmmmmm....it makes me cry to, but only because the thought of jumping off an overpass into oncoming traffic frightens me.

So that's it, boys and girls. The worst of the worst, but I may have left some songs out. Feel free to opine, and most importantly....

"I'm hope yuu drive mine schleigh tonight"

Zig Heil!!!!