January - The President gave his State of the Union address in which he made it clear we as Americans need to strive harder to put food on our children. The Russian Soyuz 2 rocket, once declared space junk, breaks up and falls upon Denver...the city; not John. A bus bomb near the Sri Lanken town of Nittambuwa kills 5 and injures at least 30. The Sri Lankan government declares the Tamil Tigers responsible, but the rebel group denies involvement and points to the Detroit Tigers as the responsible party.
February - The French government bans cigarette smoking in all public places, but veto's the bill requiring women to shave and all citizens to brush their teeth and use deodorant. One policeman is killed and 71 injured in a Catania soccer riot, a feat compared to the daily filming of the "Jerry Springer Show". The Avian - or Bird Flu - kills everyone in England except Keith Richards.
March - J.K. Rowling announces one of the characters in Harry Potter is gay. Unbeknownst to most, the entire cast of the movie version came out as well. The Communist Party of China expels nine senior officials and business leaders over a corruption scandal related to misuse of Government pension funds. Apparently they were caught issuing condoms, and lord knows the last thing China needs is condoms, right?
April - Tiger Woods declares his net worth at $17,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00 and files for sovereign nation status. Two British soldiers are killed by Taliban insurgents in Pakistan. The Pakistani government declares that no Taliban even exist in their country, and the British soldiers had actually shot themselves 47 times each, then blew themselves up afterwards.
May - April showers failed to bring May flowers in California's Mojave desert for the 2,756th consecutive year. President Bush goes on record as saying, "My our goal to are educated the children." Paris Hilton angers PETA when she declares her dog out of fashion and has him executed by Michael Vick.
June - Al Gore's wife Tipper threatens to divorce him if he doesn't control his green-house gases better. "I can't even sleep it's so bad", the former almost-but-not-quite first lady declared. In Lebanon, Hizballah fighters declare victory over Michael Moore, who has been in the region filming his latest documentary: "All wars are kinda bad."
July - Aruban officials arrest Joran Vandersloot and the Kalpoe brothers for the eleventh time, then release them the next day stating a lack of evidence to hold them. D.B. Cooper is found in a Seattle Starbucks, wired for sound on 13 Super-frothy-double-mocha lattes. The African kingdom of Lesotho declares a food crisis due to U.N. report showing a "major food gap" for 20% of the population. Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell call for aid until they realize it's Lesotho, not Lesbotho.
August - Local TV stations throughout the country change their formats to allow for the weather to be reported every 18 seconds instead of the standard 14 times in a hour-long newscast. "People want up to date weather, and they don't want to be bothered with looking out the window or other inconveniences like that" said WSHT of Orlando programming head Herb Schminkelmeir. The Space Shuttle launch was delayed because of gnats on the windshield of the craft. War continues to rage onward in East Timor, with help not predicted in the near future. Tom Brokaw of NBC news was last seen "googling" it to find out exactly where it's located.
September - The New England Patriots are caught filming the NY Jets cheerleaders and putting them on youtube. The Commissioner of the NFL fines them $500,000.00, flags the video as inappropriate, and stamps their lunch cards "No desert". Michael Vick resigns from PETA due to "A conflict of interest." October complains that it is tired of always being behind September, and President Bush says "We is our goal to make sure all the...uuuuu....how do you say...uuuuuu....months...are happy with they position are the calendar."
October - After 49 years of avoiding it, Jl4 allows himself to turn 50 and notices nose and ear hair for the first time. The Boston Red Sox win the World Series for the second time in four years, prompting people all over New England to head for their local emergency room for skin irritation due to repeated pinching.
November - PETA protests the killing of Turkey's, saying we should find alternative sources to kill. Hmmmm....how about PETA people? Jehovah's Witnesses apologize for that "Silly end of the world thingy" and state they promise to stop knocking on doors for at least 90 days. Don Shula, former coach of The Miami Dolphins, says an asterisk (*) should be placed next to the Dolphins 2007 season because, "Well frankly, they really suck."
December - Appearing in court dressed in his customary red suit, Santa plead not guilty to racism, stemming from his comments "Ho, Ho, Ho." The Reverend (insert laugh or chuckle here) Al Sharpton and the Reverend (insert laugh or chuckle here) Jesse Jackson were pressing charges against Mr. Kringle for his "continued abusive use of the word 'Ho', and his unwillingness to change." Sen. George Mitchell issued his report on steroid abuse. In it, he named Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears, and Mt. Olive Dill Spears as the primary users of performance enhancing drugs. There is no evidence that any of the Spears' performances have been enhanced, but from the looks of it, certain body parts have been.
And that's it folks. Your year in review. Love it or leave it, this is the world we live in.
Peace.
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1 comment:
that was brilliant!
Perhaps Prez Bush is related to Miss TEEN South Carolina:
As part of a question and answer portion of the 2007 Miss Teen USA pageant, Upton was asked by the questioner Aimee Teegarden, "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"
An "overwhelmed" Upton responded:
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our [children].
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