Iowa

With the Iowa caucuses a mere 4 days away, one question - and only one question - remains: What the hell is a caucus?

Spare me you're e-mail, I know what a caucus is: It's the plural of Caucasian, meaning "White dudes".

I have no idea who I am going to vote for, but I will start with a statement on each.

Sen Clinton: She has done a good job for the state of New York, and has been a surprisingly level, yet strong voice in congress. I don't trust her motives on Universal Health Care, because the mere thought of that makes my middle class bank account shrink even more. The wealthy won't need it, the poor will use it every time they prick their fingers sewing, and that leaves who to pay for it? Uh huh. Me. Screw that.

Chance of me voting for her? Better than they've ever been, to be honest.

Barack Obama: One of his staff members had a slip of the tongue the other day and said Sen Obama was clearly uncomfortable in Iowa, with its 98.2 non-minority population. Look...if he's uncomfortable with that, he has no business being the President of this or any other country, to be quite honest. I also take issue with his National Anthem antics. Like I tell High School kids who can't stand still at games all the time: "Its 1:47 long. Stand still, shut up, and it will soon be over." It ain't that hard to do, Buckwheat.

Chance of me voting for him? At this juncture, zero. He'll have to do a lot of convincing.

John Edwards: Four years ago, he said the following: "If we do the work that we can do in this country, the work that we will do when John Kerry is President, people like Christopher Reeve will get up out of that wheelchair and walk again." Who knew Senator Edwards has the cure for paralysis? President Bush stumbles and bumbles his way through our language. This man speaks it eloquently, but not any more intelligently I might add.

Chance of me voting for him? Better than Obama, but much less than Senator Clinton.

Mitt Romney: Intriguing. He won the gubernatorial election in a nearly 100% Roman Catholic, 100% Democratic state, and they liked him and the job he did! Ted Kennedy-land liked a conservative, republican, Mormon. If that doesn't speak to the fact that he can potentially make magic work, I don't know what does. I'm from Massachusetts, and I believe I'm the only republican who ever lived in that state until Romney.

Chance of me voting for him? He has my attention.

Fred Thompson: I was hoping he was going to run, but it turned out he really isn't. If he thinks the effort he's putting out right now is sufficient to impress the American public, then he should just go ahead and make "The Hunt for Red October, Part II."

Chance of me voting for him? Zero, unless he decides to actually campaign.

Mike Huckabee: Although he is strong-willed and incisive, I have a problem with him being a minister in a form of faith that is openly prejudiced against women, minorities, and gays. Baptists are not like that, you say? Ohhhhh, really?

Chance of me voting for him? Not likely, although he does make some excellent points now and then.

John McCain: Brave, tough, insightful, and honest. He has been criticized highly for not being a true conservative, whatever that is supposed to mean. Because someone doesn't check off every single block in the conservative or liberal handbook doesn't mean they're not true to their overall nature. Think about this: Perhaps it means they're thoughtful and open-minded? Woah....we don't want anyone in office who is thoughtful and open-minded. How stupid would that be, huh?

Chance of me voting for him? Pretty good...the next 10 months will tell.

Rudy Giuliani: I have a hell of a time spelling his name, which is a strike against him. I keeed...I keeeed. Ok, the guy did a fabulous September 11th job, and clearly displayed the lost American values of toughness under fire and refusal to crumble to the cowards that perpetrated that day. He has vacillated perhaps too much, but who in this world doesn't?

Chance of me voting for him? Could be....let's wait and see.

One last note. We have expressions about politics which bug the crap outta me.

Flipper: He or she is a "flipper". According to our national psyche, no one in politics is allowed to change their mind, opinion, or stance on anything? I have a word for you: Bullshit. How do you like that word?

Party Lines: This is the illegitimate twin sister of "Flipper". A person is obligated to speak, think, act, and vote along party lines, no matter how they feel about an issue? Here is my counter-word: Stepford.

People in this country think the President needs to know everything about everything, which is fundamentally incorrect. What the President needs to know is who the smartest people are in each area of responsibility, and appoint that person to the post. I'm saying this: I could be the President of the United States, and I don't know jack shit about anything. But I bet I could find a great Secretary Of State, a great Commerce person, etc etc.

Bottom line, don't expect the President to be an expert in all areas. HOPE the President knows how to be a fantastic delegat-or. Then we'll have something.

And oh yeah...If no one really knows who you are, you weren't mentioned in here because that would be a waste of time....Yeah, I'm talking to you Ron Paul...and everyone else like you.