Say whaaaa?

This morning I noticed one of my lawns sprinkler heads was broken, and so, I made my twice annually trip to Lowes. I went to the aisle for sprinkler heads and began my rapid descent into lost consciousness. And then...

...horror of all horrors...

...the Lowes guy was walking towards me...

...which meant he was gonna ask me what I needed...

...and then the dreaded answer was to follow.

Picture if you will yourself...you're in the Great Pyramid Cheops. You're deep in the maze of tunnels - AND YOU'RE LOST. The only language advising you how to exit before you asphyxiate is Ancient Hieroglyphics.

That's me at Lowes. We all have our talents, and mine isn't home repair. But the guy coming closer to me; the guy who patented "carpenters crack"; the guy with the 7th grade education who thinks if you don't know what a torque wrench is you're a feeble idiot - was approaching.

"How ya'll doin?" he started. I'm fine I replied, and explained to him I needed to replace my sprinkler head.

"Is it a 2 inch, 4 inch, or 6 inch okywarbler system?" he asked. Sure is, I said.

"Waaaail thiin pardner, whatchoo need is a portable macintyre tubular wrench, 'bout 2 ounces of PB Lathermeister Ointment, a co-convex scrotumizer strap, and two labia enhanced outshoot nozzles, and four piomonitored reflector pins, and ya got it made."

I looked at this man - speaking Martian - and said "thanks..."that's what I figured".

Then I drove home and looked up the number for the closest sprinkler system repair company.

Next??