It's a bird! It's a plane!!! No, it's Aunt Marge!

Which super power would you wish to have, and why:

• Ability to fly
• Invisibility
• Telepathy
• Mutation
• Invulnerability
• ESP
• Time manipulation
• Shape Shifting
• Super Strength
• Rubberization
• Fire management
• Cold management

Go ahead...have at it.

For me, it would have to be telepathy. Now that I think of it though, if you're telepathically communicating with the same dolt that you can't get your point across verbally, do you have to slow your thoughts down as well?

Christmas Spirit

Last night I was in Target looking for a puppet that had something to do with an infants' TV show called "Baby Einstein". Let it be said, I know Baby Einstein about as well as I know Albert Einstein, or as Joe Theisman once called him on Monday Night Football, "Herman Einstein". As a matter of fact, I don't know any of the Einstein Bears.


What? Berenstain....Bernstein...Einstein....Schwartz...whatever.


In any event, this Target employee, playing the part of an inconsiderate idiot in a bad mood (and doing it well, I might add), essentially verbally assaulted me when I asked her where in the toy department I might find Baby Einstein and Dora the Explorer. What she said and how she said it is immaterial, but suffice it to say she wasn't smitten with the Christmas spirit last night. Nor was she especially bright, as I could have easily told her boss. (I didn't) Rudolph must have pissed in her Raisin Bran or something, because she not only failed to help me, she insulted me for not knowing my toys very well.



So today I decided to use my Al Gore model AG93-t interneting connection machine and look up other shining examples of gallant human behavior this holiday season. Bear in mind, it's still November unless your operating under the Aztec calendar, in which case it's the second moon under the solar sign of Lorenzo, or some such thing.

• ROYAL OAK, Mich. - A teenager worried about coming in past curfew did his best Santa Claus and headed down the chimney. Unfortunately, he didn’t slide down quite as well as St. Nick. The 17-year-old boy was trying to sneak back into his room at the Judson Center social services agency Thursday night when he got stuck. A worker at the center heard moaning and followed the noise to the chimney, authorities said. Firefighters extracted him. One word: Stairmaster.



• COLFAX TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A man says he shot and killed a neighbor's cow after mistaking it for a coyote. A mistake easily made. They look identical to me (see above)



• WAUPACA, Wis. - A man who was upset with his wife for not buying beer took vengeance by shooting one of the family's two pet goats, prosecutors say. Peter W. Mischler, 48, was charged this week in Circuit Court with mistreatment of animals, possession of a firearm while intoxicated and disorderly conduct with a dangerous weapon. Perhaps the goat cheated on him? Who knows?



• BRANDYWINE HUNDRED, Del. - A man running naked and drunk on a highway accosted several Good Samaritans and caused three accidents, according to state police. Police said Ardonas Gilbert, 26, of Chester, Pa., was running along the southbound lanes of interstate-95 near Marsh Road about 10 p.m. Monday. Gilbert allegedly assaulted two people who tried to help him get off the road and had caused three separate traffic crashes as people swerved to try to avoid him, police said. No one was seriously injured. Honestly...who hasn't had this happen to them once or twice? I wander out onto the largest North to South interstate in the country - naked - at least three times per month, myself. Did you notice - or just breeze by the fact - that they clocked HIM at 10 mph? And which cop stopped pursuing the naked dude on I-95 long enough to fire up and use the radar gun on him?



• FOND DU LAC, Wis. - A would-be mugger apologized to his victim, saying he had the wrong guy. The man, 36, pulled a knife on a man unloading groceries outside his home, according to a Fond du Lac Police Department report. The knife-wielding man asked for money and attempted to punch the younger man, 27, the report said. Another man pulled the would-be mugger away. Stick em up and don't say a word!!! Dude? Is that you???

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

I like this

I saw this on KarensKastle http://karenskastle.blogspot.com/ Thanks Karen.

1. Where is your mobile phone? In my car
2. Relationship? Stable.
3. Your hair? Long (for me) but probably considered short.
4. Work? Roller coaster. Busy today, not so much tomorrow.
5. Your sister(s)? Two.
6. Your favorite thing? Pepperidge farm fish pretzels.
7. Your dream last night? Chased by a lion, but I had the spatula so I was ok.
8. Your favourite drink? Coca Cola.
9. Your dream car? Cadillac.
10. The room you're in? One of the living rooms.
11. Your shoes? Shoes? Who wears shoes?
12. Your fears? Heights. One legged crustaceans with attitude. Barney.
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Alive.
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Kids.
15. What are you not good at? Calculus, driving, and speeellling.
16. Muffin? Blueberry.
17. Wish list item? Winning lottery ticket.
18. Where you grew up? Massachusetts (note: 10,000 Red Sox references).
19. The last thing you did? Took a breath...wait...just did it again.
20. What are you wearing? Blue Adidas shirt, khaki shorts. Nike's.
21. What are you not wearing? A condom. What? What??
22. Your pet? Senile.
23. Your computer? Dell.
24. Your life? A wild ride
25. Your mood? So-so.
26. Missing? The Army - every day
27. What are you thinking about? What color to highlight my answers in. I think I'll go with red.
28. Your car? Saturn Vue.
29. Your kitchen? Where we keep the food.
30. Your summer? Far too long.
31. Your favourite colour? Royal blue. That's why my answers are in red.
32. Last time you laughed? About 3 minutes ago.
33. Last time you cried? Recently.
34. School? Drive my kid there every day.
35. Love? Stinks (Cheap J. Giles reference).

Can we please stop the nonsense?

Original poetry, by JL4


'Twas the night after Thankgsgiving,
correct...I said night.
They lined up at K-Mart,
so dreadful this sight.

Best Buy, Circuit City,
Target and Toy's.
These brain dead consumers,
both girls and boys.

They wanted their TV's,
and monitors and stuff.
They wanted their Digmons,
and all sorts of fluff.

The shops they had promised,
at the top of their voice.
HD's for two hundred,
can you pass such a choice?

What they didn't let on,
and they swore not to tell.
Was the laptop's were all sold,
at the opening bell.

What they wanted you see,
was to get you to buy.
The five-fifty model,
which they had plenty inside.

And the brain dead retarded,
they came in great droves.
To look at refrigerators,
microwaves and stoves.

'Such a great deal',
they said on the news.
I'll just sleep in a tent,
how can I lose?

The temperatures dropped,
below zero, you know.
Some tents they flopped,
under inches of snow.

Thousands they rushed,
on into the store.
Their collective I.Q.,
a hundred and four.

When finally inside,
they started to run.
The old lady they trampled,
was missing the fun.

On X-box, On Wii,
on Playstation glory.
'The lady's still bleeding'?
Oh, I'll bet that looks gory.

They pushed and they pulled,
they screamed at each other.
'I was here first',
and 'so was your mother'.

The owners they smiled,
cuz they were so smart.
The registers rang,
thanks for shopping Wal-Mart!!

And I in my bed,
all snuggled and warm.
Was wondering in my head,
where the dorks had all gone?

As they drove home at dawn,
some were heard with aplomb.
Let's do it again,
cuz black friday's da bomb.

Arizona Girl Beaten, Left Dead for Days in Apartment With Sister

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

PHOENIX — A 12-year-old girl was beaten with an electrical cord, and her parents left her dead body on the floor of her bedroom for days before they called 911, according to court documents released Tuesday.

Police arrested the girl's father, 34-year-old Jeffrey Duchane Jr., and stepmother, 25-year-old Reiko Troupe, after officers were called to the house on Saturday. Troupe was jailed on suspicion of first-degree murder and child abuse. Duchane was jailed on suspicion of child abuse.

According to court documents, Troupe told police that she didn't harm the girls and blamed Duchane for disciplining the children.

Police also found the girl's 9-year-old sister in the apartment when they arrived. Officers said the sister was "cowering in the shower with several bruises, burns and a broken arm," according to court documents.

The 9-year-old gave police a different account as to how her big sister died.

She told police that she saw Troupe make her sister go into the tub. She said Troupe poured hot water on her sister as punishment for not cleaning her room.

The 9-year-old said she heard her sister scream and get out of the tub. She saw her step-mom whip her sister with an extension cord. Troupe then pushed the 12-year-old against the wall and punched her stepdaughter in the face until she passed out.

Afterward, the 9-year-old said she put her hand on her sister's heart and did not feel anything, according to court documents.

The girl also said Troupe previously beat her and her sister.

Poll question:

Which of the following do you think would curtail such behavior in the future?

• Public lynchings on Pay-per-view?
• Public shootings on Pay-per-view?
• Public stoning on Pay-per-view?
• Public bare-fisted beatings on Pay-per-view?
• Do nothing. Let some dickwad lawyer spin this thing so these two walk?

Survey accurate to + or - the square root of 4,667,965,873,152,028

Rivalry?

Where is the rivalry going to go now?

With everybody ducking out of town, the Evil Empire is fast falling apart. It was bound to happen of course, but it's kind of sad the way it crashed all at once.

Manager Joe Torre is a Dodger, half the pitching staff, Posada, Giambi, and of course Alex Rodrigue$$$$$$ are all moving on.

Where have you gone, Joe Dimagio?

Say what you want...

Red Sox fans are many things. They are loud, passionate, boorish at times, passively stunned in disappointment other times, and forgiving...oh so forgiving.

They've been repentant, devotional, religious, psychotic solicitors of a higher authority - as if God cares what happens their baseball team.

They've begged, pleaded, ended relationships because they found out the other person actually liked the Yankees.

Through all of the Freudian adventures and catastrophic mishaps along the way though, they became the symbol of non-religious faith. Red Sox nation never gave up; never questioned the fact that "Next year dammit. Next year, we got it. Guaranteed."

BELIEVE and magic will happen. It may take a century or so, or it may take only a couple of years, depending upon how much faith you project.

Welcome to next year everyone. And three years later, now that I think of it.

Have a free one on me, America. Yours truly,

Dropkick Murphys

Tessie is the Royal Rooters rally cry
Tessie is the tune they always sung
Tessie echoed April through October nights
After serenading Stahl, Dinneen and Young
Tessie is a maiden with a sparkling eye
Tessie is a maiden with a love
She doesn't know the meaning of her sight
She's got a comment full of love
And sometimes when the game is on the line
Tessie always carried them away
Up the road from "Third Base" to Huntington
The boys will always sing and sway

Two! Three! Four!

Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only only only

The Rooters showed up at the grounds one day
They found their seats had all been sold
McGreevey led the charge into the park
Stormed the gates and put the game on hold
The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright
Boston's tenth man could not be wrong
Up from "Third Base" to Huntington
They'd sing another victory song

Two! Three! Four!

Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only only only

The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright
Boston's tenth man could not be wrong
Up from "Third Base" to Huntington
They'd sing another victory song

Two! Three! Four!

Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only only only
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Boston, you are the only only only
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Red Sox, you are the only only only

The blog entry that wrote itself

KNOT so fast

Apparently, the Boston Red Sox weren't interested in laying down and allowing the Cleveland Indians to waltz away with the American League Championship Series.

Down 3 games to 1, the Sox have stormed back to tie the series and send it to what essentially amounts to a 1 game playoff tonight in Boston.

Like I said in 2003...again in 2004...and now once again in 2007....

I guess I'll get some sleep NEXT month.

Rookie of the year front-runner Dustin Pedroia bounces home as the first to score on J.D. Drew's 1st inning grand slam.

Who knew?

© AP
Joey Bishop
Joey Bishop Dead at 89
Oct. 18, 2007, 12:14 PM EST
The Associated Press
Los Angeles -- Joey Bishop, the stone-faced comedian who found success in nightclubs, television and movies but became most famous as a member of Frank Sinatra's Rat Pack, has died at 89.
He was the group's last surviving member. Peter Lawford died in 1984, Sammy Davis Jr. in 1990, Dean Martin in 1995, and Sinatra in 1998.

I swear, I thought this dude had been dead 25 years already.

Groundhog Day in October

In a world that seems rife with let-downs, there are some who do it more spectacularly than others. To wit, we have Britney Spears and her addictive persuasions to alcohol and narcotics, Michael Jackson, once revered as the greatest musician in the world, is now looked upon as the greatest freakazoid of all time. Saudi Arabia is our ally/enemy....enemy/ally....ally/enemy...I've lost track of that one, to be honest. It changes as often as I change socks...or SOX...as it were.

Last night, the Red Sox suffered a 5th inning let-down (or should I say "Meltdown" ?) and gave up 7 runs. This was the 2nd time in 3 games the Sox gave up 7 runs in an inning to the Indians, the first time coming in Game 2 in the 13th inning. They are now on the brink of either elimination or one more of those special comebacks like they did in 2004. My wife - a newly formed convert who has watched nearly every game this year and talks baseball with authority now - slammed her hands on the bed last night and asked me how the hell I can continue to put up with this year after year.

I'm 50 as of the other day, and for 49 of those 50 years, the Red Sox have reached into a barrel full of fish and come up empty handed. Many of those times in excruciating fashion. I could tell you stories of ghosts past and present...ghosts with names like Pesky, Aparicio, Bucky F. Dent, Bob Stanley, Bill Buckner and Aaron F. Boone... ...but I won't. Instead, I'd rather answer my wife's question:

How could I continue to watch all these years through the pain? The answer to that is simple.

From my earliest recollection, I've been in love with the Red Sox. I love their uniforms, which have gone virtually unchanged for a century. I love their ballpark, Fenway. All that majestic green everywhere; seats that are all different sizes and face the wrong way; large beams blocking your view; the guys inside the green monster operating the manual scoreboard dodging rats the size of newborn Shetland Pony's; the atmosphere of electricity even if it's snowing and 28 degrees at the end of the season and they are out of contention. The place is full every night, and their boys are going at it.

With me, it's kind of like the way a fish needs water. In March, Spring Training comes around with fresh faces and renewed hopes. April through October is the season, and I find myself watching two teams during those six months...the Sox and the Yankees...those bothersome dorks who more times than not have ruined a perfectly good September and October for me. That's the way it is...my diversion...my psychotherapy. Come home to the family, watch a little baseball, talk a little baseball. It keeps me sane and drives me insane all at the same time, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Perhaps they'll come back and win all three games to get to the World Series, perhaps not. In any event, much like a family member who has strayed from the path, I will scold them for doing the wrong things, then take them back with a hug and gently tell them to try not to do that again next year.

Besides, I do love those uniforms, after all.

Time on their hands

The Colorado Rockies completed a four-game sweep of the Arizona Diamondbacks last night. That means they have 8 days to wait and rest before the World Series starts next Wednesday. Here is a list of things they can do while they wait to play Game #1:

#10 Go to the reunion concert for "10,000 Maniacs", and meet each one individually

#9 Have a big poker game to raise funds for OJ's plea bargain.

#8 Volunteer to be extras in Mel Gibson's new blockbuster "The Passion of the Apocalyptically Brave Jew"

#7 Start a betting pool to guess which mega-millionaire Red Sox player(s) will fail to perform tonight against the Indians.

#6 Watch all 365,000 Frank Caliendo promos.

#5 Pool funds to get one $9,600.00 ticket to see some teenager named Hannah Montana sing.

#4 Go the the public works department and help them get the snowplows ready for the games in Denver.

#3 Fight to get Ellen DeGeneres' doggie back. I know...I really don't give a rats ass either.

#2 Host a golf tournament to raise funds to pay Michael Jackson's legal fees.

#1 Visit Britney's kids...Lord knows she can't.

Those were the days, weren't they?

We've all heard it and said it. But is it really true?

Was it really better back then? Horses for transportation, oil lanterns, no radio, no TV, no phones, no lights, no motor cars? And yes, no text messaging...brb, ttyl, lol, rofl, cya....WTF?

Too far back you say? Ok then, where shall we go? 1942. Several madmen around the world were attempting to make it their own permanent house of horrors. 450,000 American men died. Radio, cars, but not much else. Flying across the country? Nope...not yet.

How about 1952? Ten years closer to now. Better? Still no TV. American Airlines first domestic flight was 7 years away. Telephones? Yes, but only 17% of the population had them in their homes.

What good old days? 1968? Do we really have to cover Vietnam, LSD, and Detroit and LA on fire? I didn't think so.

Today...right now...technology is shining in its brightest light ever. SAT scores are inching upward. High School drop-out rates are at their all-time lowest. The middle class median income and standard of living are incredibly high. Children are smarter. We're living longer. Sure we have problems as well, but not problems like 10,000 men dying on a French beach in 1 hour. That's a problem. It's not October 1929, and the market has not crashed...forcing people to jump off roof's, live in crates, and stand in a soup line to eat. That's a problem.

A professor at the University of Illinois (Champagne) did a study some years ago. In the dead of winter, he sent 12 people on vacation to Florida for a week. Each day - twice a day - he called each of them and asked them how happy they felt. After their return, he once again asked each of them privately how happy they felt.

The result?

In 11 of the 12 queried, they were happier being back home - cold, nasty weather and all - than they thought they were when they were in Florida. They were back in familiar surroundings, familiar friends, family, work, etc. Not exactly scientific proof of course, but certainly enough circumstantial evidence to suggest most people are happier in the moment then they were previously.

I have a granddaughter that walks and is starting to talk. My parents are both here and able to be great grandparents. I have two wonderful boys who are great students and damn good athletes. I get to see all of their games...and sometimes the granddaughter is at the games too. I can watch the Red Sox every night due to the miracle of Digital Television. My car tells me the temperature outside, and some man or woman will unlock it for me from 3,000 miles away if I'm brain dead enough to leave my keys in it. I've survived umpteen strokes or stroke events...and I want those times back? Nuh uh.

The good old days. The good old days are just that....old. They have their place in an area of my brain called memories. Memories are to be thought about, cherished, and can and should be used to warm the heart and the soul. In my world, that is what I use memories for.

Memories are not a place to live, though. That place is right here...right now.

Peace

Fifty

I turned 50 today...kinda feels like one day more than 49, to be honest.

As the clock struck midnight last night/this morning, I was in the middle of my October-Red Sox-Screw it -I'll sleep in November-Mode, as the Sox were in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, and of course they were tied 6-6 and giving me fits because they couldn't find a way to put this game to bed - which of course would have succeeded in putting me to bed as well; a fact that didn't happen until 1:40 am when the game - and a Red Sox loss - mercifully came to an end.

So here I am...50 and feeling not-too-much-different than I did 10 years ago...and I...

....Awwww darn it, I just pooped my pants! That's the second time today as a matter of fact.

Sorry, gotta go clean up.

Sorry...but I can't resist kicking them when they're down.

Red Sox Nation

Elimination

Frozen solid

Cleveland eliminates Yankees

Too funny not to pass on

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??" "I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter

Oooooops...it's happening again, isn't it?

Alex Rodriguez (Mr. April - September) and the NY Yankees are at it again. In losing to the Cleveland Indians in 11 innings last night, the $220 Million a year Yankees have now lost...get this...11 out of their last 12 playoff games, and are 1 loss removed from a 3rd consecutive first round exit.

In the two losses this week, the Yankees have amassed a grand total of 4 runs, while conceding 14. Dating back to the previous two division series in '05 and last year, A-Rod is now a staggering 3-for-35 (.086). Going further back, he is 4-for-50 since hitting a home run in Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, and he doesn't have a single playoff RBI since then. He is 0-for-6 in the two losses this series, with only two Game 1 walks to show for his troubles.

Not exactly earning his keep, given that he's paid $25 Million a year, eh?

Two years ago he won the league MVP, and then went 0-for-everything in the playoff series loss. This year, he is likely to win the league MVP again, and he is matching his previous October performances stride for stride. A-Rod was once coveted by the Red Sox, who lost out to him in a furious bidding war prior to the Sox' 2004 World Championship season.

Wait...who lost out?