When enough is too much

In drafting this post, I have written it...erased it...changed the format...erased it again...added photos...then deleted them...and in the end I arrived at this. As you know, I communicate almost daily with a friend who is in Iraq right now. I keep my communications with him constant, even if he cannot respond due to mission requirements. I know what it's like to be in a combat zone, and I know the positive effects of mail...paper or e-mail.

I received an e-mail about 2 hours ago from another friend who told me about the death of a former soldier of mine in Iraq. It happened on December 6th, 2006...five months ago, but I didn't know about it until today. That makes 3 for me. Two who worked for me, and one who worked with me. I'm just a Military Intelligence guy. If I were an Infantry, Artillery, or Tanker guy, I suspect I'd know dozens. But MI guys aren't supposed to go down that often. For me to have personally worked with or supervised 3, plus another who is being discharged soon with permanent disability from a grenade attack...well...that's a high number.

When I was a little boy, I loved parades. I loved marching with the bands, saluting the flags when they went by, and playing my own plastic trumpet along with the music. We had such great parades where I grew up. To me, the biggest day of the year - bigger than Christmas - was the 4th of July and the parades. My parents, closing in on 80, still talk about me and those parades.

When I was a boy, I loved to climb rocks, crawl in the dirt, and play soldier. I did it for hours with my friends, and even longer all by myself. I learned to maneuver in the woods behind our home, and to navigate through all kinds of terrain. I was comfortable alone...comfortable out away from the rush of people.

I took these traits with me into my adulthood. After the fact, it only seems normal and natural that I would have pursued the life's choice I did. I was born a soldier quite by accident, and I now know I'll die one on the day I pass.

You never plan on an early exit. You know it's possible...in some circumstances it seems likely at times...but you still don't give in to the feelings, to the angst, and to the fear. You block it out, focus and what's ahead...on what is important to you...and you trudge on.

And so we shall today, as well.

Sigh. When I was a little boy...