...with the Stars!!!

Last night, John Ratzenberger of Cheers and some lady named Ervita Lalalalalalal la la were eliminated from Dancing with the Stars. Unknown to many, the finals of the entire "Stars" series happened over the past week. Here for you and you alone, is a short run-down of the results:

Bonging with the Stars: In a close battle, it came down to two hardened couples, each with their own goal of taking away the chocolate with twinkie filling crown. Willie Nelson and Courtney Love barely edged out Cheech Marin and Britney Spears for the title.

Drinking to excess with the Stars: Mel Gibson easily outdistanced Paula Abdul, and Mr. Gibson paid a wonderful tribute to "my Jew-bastard friends" in his acceptance speech.

Grossing us out with the Stars: Most people thought Keith Richards snorting his dad live on tv would be the winner, but surprise, surprise!!! It was Paris Hilton switching underwear with the entire cast of "Gray's Anatomy."

Bullshitting with the Stars: This one - incredibly - ended in a tie. The tandem's of Dubya and Dick vs. Reverend Al and Hillary bullshitted like nobody has ever seen before, and neither the judges nor the call-in audience at home could make up their minds. "Since they both bullshit so profusely, I had to give one vote to each of them," co-host Sean Hannity said. "It was a masterful performance that will be remembered for years to come."

And finally, Monday night marked the last show of the year for:

Saying stupid shit with the Stars: This title was taken away in a landslide by Rosie O'Donnell. "When she said, 'Hey...terrorists deserve some of our sympathy too. They have kids. They're parents as well', I knew I was destined to finish second," said Senator John F. Kerry. "All I had was my 'stupid soldiers in Iraq statement,' and I knew that could never top Rosie's everyday statements, no matter what they were."