Doooooown the stretch!!!

Pain

Like a horrible childhood nightmare, a filthy bad habit, or watching re-runs of "Friends", looking in this particular mirror is horrifying.

If anything, Red Sox fans can say they've never had it easy.


Ever.

I'm not creative enough to make this s*** up myself

Nebraska State Senator Sues God
By NATE JENKINS (AP) – 16 hours ago

LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) — The defendant in a state senator's lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He's everywhere.

State Sen. Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous, Chambers says he's trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.
Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused "fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes."

He's seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.

So far, I have not heard whether God will file a counter suit. I got five bucks says he'll just strike the stupid sunavabitch down where he stands.

I've said it before, and I'll keep on saying it. WHO NEEDS TERRORISTS WHEN WE HAVE IDIOTS LIKE THIS RUNNING THE SHOW?

The search continues...

Las Vegas 14 September, 2007

OJ Simpson, Heisman Trophy winner, NFL Hall of Fame Member, and recent author of the book, "My thong underwear: If I had put them on, this is how I would have done it", has been named a suspect in a break-in at a Las Vegas casino. The Palace Station casino was broken into last night, and high value sports memorabilia was stolen. Simpson told the LV police that he "believed the memorabilia belonged to him", whatever the hell that means.

Simpson was spotted inside the casino hotel last evening, though he did not have a reservation. Allegedly, Simpson and five men broke into a room at the hotel brandishing guns. There was a man in the room who positively identified Simpson, but as we all know, if da descript dohne fit, you gotta acquit". Or spit, shit, hit, flit, knit, or something like that. I'm no poet like Johnny Cochran is...oooops, my bad. Was.

In any event, Simpson has pledged his support for the Las Vegas police by stating that "He will dedicate his life to finding the real thieves." To demonstrate his cooperative stance, this morning Simpson named Fay Resnick as his primary suspect in the armed robbery.

Story submitted by JL4 who has absolutely nothing to do with the AP or UPI wire services.

Patsy? I know you did it, and I don't care that you're dead. I know you did it, you miserable...

Cynicism....Who? Me?

cyn·i·cism (sĭn'ĭ-sĭz'əm) n.
An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others


HOUSTON — A man condemned for killing and beheading his common-law wife's three children had his conviction overturned Wednesday by a divided Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. The wife, also a suspect, gave conflicting testimony, so the case was thrown out.

SPARTANBURG, SC. - A dispute between a husband and his estranged wife Monday ended with both dead and their 11-month-old child injured, authorities said. The infant had been shot through the leg during the struggle.

LYNWOOD, California (AP) -- Nicole Richie was released from jail Thursday, just 82 minutes into a 4-day sentence, after the pregnant TV reality star checked in for a four day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs.

WASHINGTON, (AP) - Moveon.org runs full page advertisement in the New York Times, calling General Petraeus, General Betray-Us.

ROTHLEY, ENG - McCann parents wait to see if they face charges
Prosecutors to get documents on 4-year-old girl’s disappearance Tuesday

STRATHAM, N.H. - A man arrested for allegedly driving drunk is fighting to get his license back, saying his breath test was flawed because he was burping at the time.

BIG CREEK, WV- No federal hate crime charges in torture case
Woman held, abused for a week was not a random target, prosecutor says.













For the life of me, I can't see where I get my cynicism from.

How yoooo dune?

When did the attitude of our country change for the worst? I mean, no one sent me a memo. It seems like one day I woke up, and everybody started taking an "all-for-one, one-for-me stance"

"Heyyyyy, ow yoo dune?" can easily be followed by "I'll be doing a lot better once I blow up the mall with this C4 I have strapped to my chest."

Not to worry. They wouldn't have a clue what you said, because they're not listening. You might as well just go ahead and bomb the mall. As long as they're not near it, they'll see it on T.V. and say something like, "Wow...that's terrible. Hey, do I smell cheeseburgers?"

"How ya feeling today?" is often times merely a segue so they can tell you how crappy they feel. You could tell them you contracted a rare form of viral aids...and that they were now infected as well, to no avail. They're thinking of what they're going to say to you and have no idea what you're saying to them.

I heard someone say something today, and I was struck by the simplicity of it all. He was a national sports talk radio guy, and he said the following: "The measure of a person is in how he or she treats those people who have nothing to offer them, not how they treat those who can better their image or standing."

Do you say "Hi" to your boss, but nothing to the poor schmuck who was in a 4:00 am cleaning your work space? When was the last time you stood in the rain and held a door for someone else before you entered? I'm the VP of my son's High School booster club. This year, we gave preferred parking stickers to anyone who bought a full booster membership. 1 membership....1 sticker. So what happened? I and the rest of the boosters received virtual hate mail from parents complaining about only having one sticker, but two or three cars. After politely responding to a couple of these, I got fed up and put all the whiners' addresses in one email, and sent the following:

When you signed up and paid for your booster membership, it clearly said '1 sticker per membership'. In reviewing the document, I failed to find anything in there that said 'price or amenities negotiable.' Thank you for supporting the student athletes with your monetary donation, but please - in the future - try and refrain from acting the same age as the kids you're helping out.

Hey!!!! I listened... I responded.... Kind of refreshing, isn't it?

Say it again, Sam

"I would rather tell seven lies than give one explanation. Life is much easier that way"

Jennifer

Two Friday's ago, I was nearing the end of what would be a very short and relatively uneventful stay in the hospital. Compared to the stays in 2000, 2001, and 2003, this was more like a resting vacation. Lots of sleep.

On Thursday night I met Jennifer. There is a small courtyard outside of the ward I was in, complete with a reflecting pool, lots of greenery and flowers, and small benches patients and guests can sit on. The nurses were encouraging me to walk around, and about 11:00 pm, I wandered out to the yard. I took a seat about 10 feet from the only other person there, a woman by the name of Jennifer, seated in a wheelchair. Jennifer would tell me later she was 53 (I'm 49), and you could see in her visage that there was a time in the not-so-distant past that Jennifer was a very attractive woman. Time and the past few years had served to take the obvious away from her, but you could still see it if you were someone who has the ability to see below the surface of a person.

Jennifer was/is really sick.

Sitting in her wheelchair, she struck up the conversation from our distance. Her voice was strong and vibrant, with only the slightest of shake or reverberation in it. She asked how I was doing and why I was there. I proceeded cautiously, telling her what was wrong, but as is my custom, not making a big deal about it.

Good thing, too.

Jennifer proceeded to speak without reservation about her issues. Five years prior, she had been diagnosed with Lymphoma. That terrible ailment gestated into breast cancer, and she lost both breasts and a good deal of her lymph nodes under her arms. She was currently in the hospital because of an erupting stomach ulcer, and she had just been informed they think she may have another form of Hodgkin's. 53 years old. Fifty-three.

This woman was so sweet, it was incredible. She spoke of her husband and children in glowing terms, and never once complained or even insinuated that she had been dealt a crappy hand. We talked for nearly a half hour, mostly her talking with me listening, trying to soak in one of the greatest lessons a person can learn one on one - the lesson of true fearlessness.

Here I am with my little ditty that got me slammed for a few days, and I'm talking to someone who may or may not have a few days left. I thought I was lonesome in the middle of the dark nights at the hospital, but my worries were absolutely nothing compared to hers...and she dealt with them with dignity and style. Yes, style. Try to imagine this if you can. You are her, and you are - for all intents and purposes - flying solo on this trip. Nothing is going right for you, and every minor success is followed by a soul-crushing letdown. And yet you're smiling, speaking candidly and freely, and you're wishing someone else with only 1% of your problems the best of luck. You even say you'll pray for me.

So, I told you to "IMAGINE" you were her. You can only do that because you are obviously not her. But if you were, would you - could you - be as strong? I'm not in search of your answer. That is for you and you alone to know. And just in case you're wondering, yes - I've asked that question of myself as well.

And so may you also have the best of luck, Jennifer whateveryourlastnameis. I made sure I said a prayer for you that night. You seemed to need it more than me.

Or perhaps you didn't, now that I think about it.

Ahhh, but the cuisine...the cuisine

These tales of the past week are coming in the same way I'm getting them back in my memory. Disjointed, out of time sequence, and disheveled. Learn to live with it, I do ;-)

Last Thursday Morning...waaaaay too early.

A woman walks in my hospital room and says loudly, "State Joo name pleze". Naturally, me feeling a little better and the eternal smart-ass anyways said, "Joo name."

I'm fairly certain she neither understood nor appreciated my humor, and she kind of chucked my tray onto that side table contraption that can spin in front of the patient and serve as a table for eating. I offed the cover, and much to my non surprise, I had no clue what 75% of the stuff on that tray was. After about 5 minutes of playing, "What's that smell?", I determined the following to be true:

The yellow/off white stuff in the small plastic bowl was the main chef's own invention. Hash browns and scrambled eggs mixed together to form a cylindrically shaped masterpiece of tasteful delight known as a $#!%&^. I decided to pass, because such a thing of beauty would only be destroyed if I ate it.

From that point forward, I knew my eyes, ears, color receptors, and instincts would have to be my guide. If the item was green when by all logic it should have been orange, I passed. If the smell was similar to the grease pit in the back alley of Sung Ho's Wok in Brooklyn, I passed. If the item seemed bloated in any form, I passed. And finally, anything that was once red meat or chicken that passed through a blender before it made it's appearance at my bedside? Pass.

America's hospital's. Yeeeesss, they're expensive, but think of the poundage you'll lose while there. They could market it as the latest craze:

"The Auto-diet", brought to you by your friends in the kitchen at your nearby Florida Hospital. All you have to do to enroll is state joo name.

Last Friday, Aug 30th, about 3:40 PM

I'm seconds from changing out of the show-yer-butt gowns that are all the rage in hospitals, dahhhling, into my regular clothes to be discharged, and a new nurse walks in the door. Neither she nor I had met before. In a friendly and competent manner, she said to me, "Hi. I'm Jennifer your nurse. Have you had a bowel movement today?"

I responded, "Hiiiiii. Is that the way you usually break the ice?" "Or is that some sort of weird pick-up line? If it is, it needs some tweaking."

Now look, she seemed sweet enough, but lordy, lordy.

"Hi, I'm Jennifer - your nurse."

"How are you feeling?"

"Can I get you something?"

"Oh, by the way, I need to know if your bathroom habits are normal."

Anything...anything...except allowing the first question off your lips to be about "The Deuce".

Just another helpful tip for those willing and wanting to pay attention to life's little details.

Mom's (Yes, plural)

I work in a company that is about 90% female. The last 4 days or so, I've received more phone calls, e-mail, and personal encounters, telling me to slow down....take it easy...and of course "slow down while taking it easy". It's as if I have 43 Mom's....but I'm not complaining. They all mean well.

A slight misstep last Wednesday. Had a bit of a balance problem in the early morning, then went to work and had a "mini" episode. According to people who were there, my speech rapidly deteriorated and my cognitive skills disappeared in about 30 minutes. They got me to the emergency room, and after a few days in the hospital, they paroled me.

All is well now. Speech is not labored any more, strength and endurance coming back rapidly.

I am confused why I'm not allowed to run with scissors while in the swimming pool talking with a stranger within an hour of eating. That one has me baffled.

Hopefully, my many mom's will explain that one to me.

Focus

Focus is an issue right now. I want to tell the story, but it takes too much to find each key on the typewriter, and I have no desire to proof-read anything.

Sorry.