Joe

In two days, it will be June 29th, 2008. On June 29th, 1983, the last man I have ever idolized, hero-worshiped, or looked up to in any manner, died that day.

Joseph Alton Delaney may have been viewed intellectually as one of the dumbest human beings ever. If you happen to be old enough and in the right place and time, you would have sworn to that fact the very first time you heard him speak. As someone who values a keen intellect as much as I do, you would be shocked to think that for even a mere second I would have looked up to him.

But I did. I dare say I revered him.

Joe was born in 1958 in Henderson, Tx in 1958 to poor, poor, parents. Dirt poor as a matter of fact. They moved to the back woods of Louisiana when he was a young child, the type of place America tried to ignore back in the early 1960's, that was subsequently exposed by the hurricane of 2004. Dirt floor shacks. No air conditioning. Barely running water. Sewage too deplorable to even talk about describing. Early on in Joe's life, his parents noticed something extraordinary though.

Joe could run fast. Very, very, fast.

In high school Joe ran the 100 meters in 9.4 seconds, which earned him a full scholarship at Northwest Louisiana State University, where Joe would win numerous NCAA track and field championships. But you see, Joe wanted to play football. The coaches at NWLS took one look at his 5-8, 145 lb frame, and advised Joe that he should just run for the track team. Football was played by men...large men, with bad attitudes and violent tendencies. Joe was a sweet, kind, and gentle soul, not your prototypical college football type. He grew up impoverished, but never got into trouble with the law. He wanted for everything, but asked for nothing. If he was to have it, he had always known he had to earn it the correct way. And with the gentle persistence that defined his life, he kept at the football coaches until they relented and allowed him to come to spring practice in 1977, his sophomore year. Joe shocked the world and made that team, and after sitting the bench his first year, he played in his first game ever on October 28th, 1978. In 28 carries, the young man too small to play football gained 299 yards...263 in the second half alone.

You see....Joe was fast. Very, very, fast.

Incredibly, the young man who grew up with nothing, was selected as an after-thought by the Kansas City Chiefs of the NFL in the 1981 draft. 325th means you have an ice cubes chance in a blast furnace of making the team, and that's on the bright side of things. The first team work out, Coach Marv Levy placed Joe into the tailback position with the starting team. When he entered the huddle, they all kind of rolled their eyes as if to say, "This pip-squeak will be dead by nightfall." The quarterback took the snap, turned to hand the ball to Delaney, but he was already into the line of scrimmage and moving forward. They blew the practice play dead and the QB complained to coach Levy, "He needs to slow down and wait for me." Coach Levy looked long and hard at the QB and said, "Or perhaps you could speed up your motion and get with him." Joe Delaney went on to win the NFL rookie of the year award in 1981, gaining 1,122 yards, breaking 4 Chief all-time records for rookies, and taking the Chiefs to a winning record for the 1st time in a decade.

We live in a day and age where over-pampered, elitist, crybaby, diva athletes dominate the sports horizon. Joe lived in a world of his own where he wanted none of that crap. He sent 80% of his salary back home to his family and friends, and was an off-season source of community charitable service practically unheard of then or now. He dedicated his off-season to poor kids in Louisiana, giving his time and his money to help them through their misery.

On June 29, 1983 in Monroe, Louisiana, Joe dove into a pond and tried to save three children who were screaming for help. The children were floundering in a water hole left by recent construction work. He was an inexperienced swimmer, but he reacted in the only way Joe knew how to live his life - unselfishly. One child was saved while two children and Delaney died by drowning.

Three thousand people attended Delaney's memorial service on July 4, which was held in his old high school's gymnasium. President Ronald Reagan honored Delaney with the Presidential Citizens Medallion of Honor on July 13. In his speech, President Reagan said the following:

"He made the ultimate sacrifice by placing the lives of three children above regard for his own safety. By the supreme example of courage and compassion, this brilliantly gifted young man left a spiritual legacy for his fellow Americans."

He damn sure did. Joe Delaney was barely 25, and with his death that day, so died my innocence as well. I still miss him today. Watching him run was a real treat, because he sure was fast.

Very, very, fast.




Arrowhead Stadium Ring of Honor. #37 has never been worn since.

There is a wonderful tribute to Joe on Youtube:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=NmiWqg7MP58

Dear Lawgirl

Dear Lawgirl,

Last night was a very good night for me. The fact that you got up in my mug, metaphorically of not, was stimulating to me. You made you're argument lucidly, tactfully (more than I can say for myself re: "Fucking dunces"), and with great candor and passion. I would never be presumptuous enough to assume I am even close to your intellectual level, as you have rightfully earned your intelligence through years of post-secondary education, and I would even garner - judging from your writing style and flair - perhaps even a masters or a doctorate in law. I found out the things I know in life from digging my fingers in the dirt, and feeling my way slowly up the food chain until I had enough brain cells to think on my own. So I could never compete with you, nor would I try. I will however, learn from you, and for that I am extremely grateful.

It may come as a surprise to you and others that although I'm obviously pro-military and retired from that profession in word only, I myself am not a gun owner. I respect the Constitution and the right to bear arms, but I have never owned any kind of a weapon in my life.

I've seen first hand the destructive power of weapons of all types; smelled the stench of things on fire that shouldn't be on fire, to include human flesh; and I do not wish willingly or accidentally to participate in any further loss of human life through the use of firearms. However, I still stand firm in my life-long devotion to this country, EVERY person in it regardless of their social standing or political-social beliefs, and the policies and laws pertaining to our continued existence, peaceful or otherwise.

Which brings me to the SC ruling about the death penalty for child rape. You said last night you had read the decision, and since that's your job, I have no doubt you did. This morning, I awoke and read for several hours the same decision, and I am going to outline the thing that disturbs me the most:

The 5 judges that voted against the death penalty used phrases like "shifting social attitudes", "ever evolving standards of decency", and "international attitudes and feelings towards the death penalty", or words to that effect.

Did the Supreme Court hold a gallop poll before making their decision? Where in the words of our founding fathers does it say anything about "social attitudes" when interpreting the words of the constitution? I'm no lawyer or judge, but I know a thing or two about the SC and their role in our society. It is their job to interpret the constitution, not ask Billy Smith of San Francisco how he thinks they should rule. Mr. Smith has no say in the matter. That's why we HAVE a Supreme Court, for crying out loud. Billy Smith is not smart enough to make these weighty decisions, so we put Anton Scalia in there to do it for him. So it's not the fact that they struck down the death penalty that bothers me. It's the ridiculous reasoning behind it. We are a democracy, not a Marxist or Socialist society. If the SC or anyone else wants to change who we are, then there is a procedure to do so, but I assure you, it will take a toll far greater than we are currently willing to pay. The greatest thing about the United States is our freedom to agree to disagree. If anyone out there doesn't know that, just talk to someone who has recently entered our country from Bosnia, Croatia, the Middle East, or any of dozens of country's throughout the world where the penalty for speaking out is loss of their life.

In closing, thank you for teaching me, Lawgirl. Thank you for being so thoughtful and intelligent. Thanks for bringing my blog to life, if only for a few hours. Thank you for standing side-by-side with me in support of the SSG Maupin's of this country, and thank you for being so passionate about the rule of law in our nation.

Sincerely,

JL4

I didn't want to rant, but they made me...they made me.

Last week, our illustrious Supreme Court decided to give Guantanamo inmates the right of Habeus Corpus AND the same right to trial that you and I get. Our soldiers are disemboweled and beheaded on the Arabic version of youtube, and their soldiers are given our best attorneys. So now WE THE PEOPLE have granted more rights to IED makers and deployers than we have to our own soldiers.

I'm starting to get really pissed off now.

Today, the same knuckleheads on the Supreme Court made the declaration that child rape is not punishable by the death penalty because the Constitution says you cannot inflict "cruel and unusual punishment" on anyone. So Uncle Bob, 6-3, 230 pounds, rapes his 5 year old niece Cindy. Cindy's pelvic bone stresses and fractures under the incredible strain of Uncle Bobs violent thrusts; her flesh shearing and ripping from his inhuman advances, blood everywhere. This doesn't even take into account the screaming, wailing, and begging coming out of Cindy's tiny lips and mouth. Her tears of terror flowing like a river. Years later, when Cindy is contemplating suicide because Uncle Bob only received 9 months in prison and he came back angrier at Cindy because she turned him in, and so proceeded to rape her continuously over the years in ways far more sinister and violent than the original act, let's contemplate today's Highest Court decision. As 15 year old Cindy hangs from a rope in the family bathroom, let's all pat ourselves on the back for not being too tough on dear old uncle Bob.

Think I'm being too graphic? If you can't understand what I'm trying to convey here, then I suggest I haven't been graphic enough.

Tomorrow, the Supreme Court is expected to pass judgement on the city of Washington about citizen's right or non right to possess hand guns. I hope they see they had better take those hand guns away, because we are moving alarmingly close to a time where we will use them against our own lawmakers. Quick history lesson for you: The constitution says nothing about sport hunting; it says nothing about target practice; and it says nothing about collecting guns for profit or just for fun. It clearly says the right to own guns is two-fold: To take arms to protect ourselves from a foreign invasion, or to protect ourselves in the event of a government that loses its mind, and begins to hurt the populace. The founding fathers had intimate knowledge of the inner workings of a government that went against the will of the people, and when that government followed them over to the New World, those founding fathers said, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, we warned you. Now, fuck you." And they blew the King and his court the hell outta here.

These 2 and possibly a 3rd decision are going to create situtations where a soldier has to decide whether or not to kill when they simply used to capture, and then they'll be courts marshaled for it. The rape thing is going to create situations where confused and angry parents consider vigilante justice, where they will in turn be given a harsher sentence than the man who raped their daughter. This and many other things will force the common man and woman to revolt, and the common man and woman are what make up the fiber of this country. That's the way it is and has always been, and if you push those common men and women too hard, eventually they'll push back. The American family, the rights of the American family, the strength of the American family has always been the cornerstone of this nation. It is what separates us from everyone else in the world.

*&%$ around with the sovereignty of the American family too much more, and we're going to have trouble....biiiiig trouble.

I'm not advocating revolution, I'm just warning you that we have gone - and continue to go - on a far too liberal path, one that has no side road to turn around on. If it continues, there will be a shitload of hell to pay. The rules and the policies are being challenged and changed every day. It is the common man and woman that is in Iraq and Afghanistan fighting. It is the common woman teaching at our public schools and mothering her children. It is the commonality of everyone that preserves our right to protect ourselves and our families from demons, morons, and sociopaths.

Sometimes, "change" can be bad. If you don't believe me, just look at the Supreme Court and what they're doing. Or better yet, ask Ron Goldman Sr. if he thinks the liberalistic judicial system is good just the way it is.

You better stand clear when he starts to answer you, though.

George...redux

If you haven't read "George" below, you won't get this post. About 10 months ago I put my e-mail address on this site, an email account which has remained relatively without any action. Today I received an e-mail from some anonymous source who took issue with my assessment of George's golf course comments and my subsequent comment about how only a misinformed environmentalist would view a golf course as an "eye-sore and an affront to humanity".

The e-mail said in part, "you have no idea how golf courses upset the delicate balance of nature by taking away habitat's from all manner of creatures. Golf courses are evil, and Carlin was correct".

Ok. Let's talk. First of all, golf courses are NOT evil, because they are not human in nature, and therefore do not possess feelings or emotion (not so for the golfers playing them, but that's another story). Secondly, golf courses actually provide a quality environment for "all manner of creature" as you put it, who lost their previous environment to malls, highways, and building projects. The grasses and trees on a golf course are not only pleasant to look at, they introduce oxygen and nitrogen to the environment (try that with a K-Mart). Ponds - both natural and man-made - provide a wonderful habitat for all manner of water-born species, as well as drinking water for above ground creatures. In the past 20 years, golf courses being built new (as well as over 50% of golf courses already in place) are using reclaimed water to irrigate their properties, and both chemicals and pesticides used have been approved by the EPA, therefore causing no destruction through there use. The reclaimed water process is fascinating in that they use a series of regulated ponds with screening and filtering machinery, putting the water back onto the course in better shape than it was when it first fell out of the sky.

If soft rolling hills of green grasses interspersed with trees of all variety, and well preserved water areas are an eye-sore, then I suggest the anonymous e-mailer has unrealistic standards.

P.S. By the way, unless they are 80 years old or on the PGA Tour and from Sweden, no one wears pink checked pants with a purple shirt on the golf course any more...and they haven't for 20 years or so. Can we finally kill that stupid stereotype?

George

Yesterday in California, one of America's comedic genius' died of a heart attack. George Carlin, famous as a counter-culture figure since the early 1960's, was one of the brainiest, brashest, comedian's ever. But if you're looking for a gushing post about him from me, you had better stop here.

Yup....George was the man that created "The Seven Words you can't say on Television", a routine that I can recite word for word from memory still. He had routines so uproariously funny that involved word-play, irony, and sarcasm that went from soft to harsh in mere seconds, but later on in life it morphed into harsh to hateful in even less time. Counter-culture had its place in the 60's, 70's, and even the early 80's, but comedic attitudes shifted in the late 80's and 90's.

George didn't shift with it.

His wife of 36 years died in 1997, and potentially with her, so may have a part of George's soul. When you're married that long, obviously a great love drove that marriage, and so her loss must have been devastating to him. The man who made us laugh, giggle, and smile by pointing out the absurdity of phrases like "Jumbo Shrimp", "Getting ON the plane" instead of IN the plane, and weathermen who made up phrases like "Rain Event", to which he responded, "Rain Event? Holy shit, I hope I can get tickets to that!" became old, wifeless, and mean the last 10 years of his life.

I can remember looking forward to watching an HBO special from 2003, and my memory will always be saddened by the fact that I felt he was so hateful and bitter, I turned it off after only 10 or 15 minutes. One of his targets that night was inexplicably golf courses, where George described them as "eye-sores" and an affront to humanity. Eye-sores and an affront to humanity? In what context does anyone besides misguided environmentalists see golf courses in that manner? Just before I turned off his hate-fest, George went into a rant (tirade?) about his favorite subject, Religion. Never in our history has a comedian gone after religion and people who believe in God more than George. On this particular night, he took off the gloves and hammered at belief and faith like he never had before, and it was so indefatigable and contemptible, I couldn't get to the remote control fast enough.

And I'm hardly what you would call staunchly religious. I just felt he was attacking a group that had never attacked him, and it was not funny. Not at all.

The irony here is that the one person who could point out irony better than anyone on a public stage is now dead, and as of yesterday afternoon, George now knows, one way or another, whether there is a higher power or not.

Perhaps he could send us a sign. In the unlikely event that happens, I'll stick to my memories of the stuff he did when he was funny. It's better for me that way.

Robber tries to rob convenience store with a palm frond

This unfortunate incident happened yesterday about 8 miles from my house. The would-be robber hoisted a dead, blunt ended palm frond, and wielding it like a spear, repeatedly demanded 50 dolla...50 dolla.

The man's name is Jose Domingo Lopez Maria Sanchez Ramirez something something something, but his friends simply call him "George".

Note that the store owner (who knew him, by the by) just keeps yelling back at him "Get out!"..."Get out!"

In a manner befitting such an act of lunacy, "George" was shooed out of the store by the owner who hoisted a bar stool, using it like a 1930's lion tamer, forcing him out the door. It's the only way I could conceive of this story ending.

For Chet Huntley...I'm JL4 Brinkley.

Linguistically speaking

Florida has this problem, you see. It's called Linguisticmissatosis, and it is an affliction similar to what would happen if you asked me to perform neurosurgery on a muskrat. Dumbfounded stares, followed by a eulogy from the muskrat's best buddy. Millions of people in Florida can't speak English, and that's not including specific dialects like "redneck" and "NASCAR", which, incidentally, go together.

Linguisticmissatosis becomes painfully pertinent when ordering at the counter of a Chinese restaurant. Maria, a woman of Puerto Rican descent who was born, raised, and schooled (really?) in the Bronx, but apparently only has a working English vocabulary of around 16 words, walks into Ming Wok's Chinese Emporium, and she attempts to order a meal of chicken and snow peas. Behind the counter, taking her order, is Sun Li, 13 year old daughter of the owners of "Mings", who herself has an equally comparable understanding of English as Maria. What ensues then would stress the patience of Job himself, if in fact Job was in line and wanted to order and consume his meal sometime before the next millennia.

Sun Li: "How can may help you I ?"
Maria: "You have sheeken?"
Sun LI: "You want lice?"
Maria: "What eees lice?"
Sun Li: "White lice and flied lice."
Maria: "You have sheeken?"
Sun Li: "What kine o chicken want?"
Maria: "Sheeken."
Sun Li (confused): "We have chicken with lice a noodle"
Maria: "Pea?"
Sun Li: "Bathloom bloken"
Maria (visibly upset): "I wannn sheeken with peas."
Sun Li (turning to speak with her mother): Suuum luk toe, sum chung lahckee cho"
Mother: "What you want?"
Maria: "Sheeken peas."
Mother: "Ohhhh...lo sohm lock chu do sahhn," she says to Sun Li.

10 minutes later, Maria pays for her food with a debit card, and the "automation is a bitch" dance begins. After about 3 tortured minutes of watching Maria try to decipher the intricacies of the 9 digit pin display, she finally arrives at a solution, and leaves with her food. Pretty fast too, as she was out of there in less than 45 minutes.

I would have loved to see the look on her face when she got home and pulled that beef chow mien out of the bag because, like they say, "for everything else, there's Master Card."

True news of the untrue variety

I am hereby declaring a Fatwah on myself. I've never actually declared a Fatwah on anyone before, mostly because when I wanted to declare one on my high school algebra teacher, I had yet to even know what a Fatwah was. But if I had known, you miserable bastard, I would have done it. And for the record, if N=15 and Y=22, besides some bespeckled sub-nerd at Los Alamos or NASA, who really cares what X is?

So I am declaring a Fatwah on myself because I think Islamic Extremists are the world's biggest issue, irrespective of what Al Gore says about Polar Bears. So a Fatwah it is, and if I insist on talking badly about people who murder children in the name of God, then I need to be silenced; and don't push me, because I'll do it. Car-bomb myself, that is. That'll teach me.

In other news, the NBA preseason has been interrupted by the NBA post season. Apparently teams that had scheduled preseason games for the 2008/09 season have had these games postponed because they're still playing the playoffs from the 2007/08 season. I'm joking of course, but you get the drift. Basketball is kind of a Fall/Winter sport...not a late June sport.

Thousands have been rushing to get married in California. Has anyone asked them if this is what they really want? It is marriage after all. 'Till death do you part, etc, etc. It seems to me, from watching the news reports and such, most of them are just trying to make some sort of profound statement. I hate to disappoint you. It's really not that profound.

A man in Orlando was arrested today at a convenience store for pumping gas out out of the ground directly into a 300 gallon tank in the back of his truck. When told by police to stop, he just stared wordlessly at them and kept on pumping. He obviously had reached his breaking point, and snapped.

In Cody, Wyoming, the coke machine was working this morning. Hundreds of residents came out and were heard oooing and ahhhing at this marvel of modern technology. In a similar story from Wamego, Kansas, residents took portable chairs and picnic lunches to watch the new car wash in operation for the first time. Clem Higgins, town librarian, was quoted saying, "It's pretty neat watching the bubbles float off down the sidewalk."

In a recent poll, democratic candidate Sen. Barrack Obama is maintaining his 4 point lead over republican Sen. John McCain. In another poll, 14% of Americans admitted they hated creamed corn, and wished their mom hadn't insisted upon them eating every bite. If people actually were starving in India, she should have shipped them all our creamed corn and spinach, saving money on psychiatric counselling down the road.

Finally, in the rape case in Lincoln, Nebraska, where the judge said the defendant couldn't use the word rape - IN A RAPE TRIAL FOR CRIPES SAKE - the perpetrator was found guilty. What was he found guilty of? Rape. No shit? Imagine that? Next thing you know, they'll be convicting murderers for committing murder. Just remember, when the case is being prosecuted, you can't say murder. You have to say, "Actions taken to ensure the ending of the life of the person on the wrong end of the device that propels a lead projectile into a large mass composed of flesh, bones, and organs vital to the survival of the holder of those biological entities, presumably and allegedly as an intentional act and not an accidental act caused by the urgency of trying to procure person #1's money into person #2's possession."

Got it? Me neither. Better ask that judge in Nebraska. Apparently, he does.

I wish I wrote this, but alas, I did not

Not that it will stop me from passing it on to you. From the novel, "In the event of my untimely demise", by Brian Sack.

Political correctness started innocently enough, but like a rehearsal dinner speech by a mean-spirited best man, it soon became ugly and uncomfortable. An entire culture developed - and not a very bright one I might add - that was passionate about not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. With its simplistic logic, calling someone "African-American" instead of "black" was supposed to take care of decades of inequality. Calling a handicapped child "special needs" somehow would eliminate the challenges of being a parent with a handicapped child. Your busboy went from "illegal" to "undocumented". All the PC people thought everything could be solved with words.

This linguistic claptrap became a BBM (Big, Beautiful, Monster) with gigantic, intellectually challenged tentacles that reached out and strangled all other aspects of our lives. Suddenly, teachers don't grade in red ink because that's "hurtful," and teams no longer play for scores, because that might indicate that one team is actually better than another. Everyone gets ribbons just for showing up at the race, and according to the profiles on Match.com, "we're all good looking" too. It's no wonder, then, that the end result is a generation or two that have never heard a discouraging word; people for whom the mere suggestion that they can't paint, dance, or sing on American Idol is incomprehensible.

The consequence of this - as we see far too often on T.V. - is a kid who has spent his childhood being praised extensively for merely existing. A child who never failed because failure was un-possible. A child who thinks un-possible is an actual word. Family, friends, and society, never once critiqued his abilities because under the rules of political correctness, critically constructive thought and opinion is considered hate speech.

And so, we're left with children who dream so large and so stupidly, they'll sleep in a tent for two days just to get the opportunity to butcher "Proud Mary" in front of 38 million laughing people. Back stage, the family will conclude the life-long lie with one more "You were great out there."

The book is available at Borders, and is highly recommended reading for anyone possessing a 3-digit I.Q.

New vs Old

This is the decision Americans must make: Old or New? Not old as in Senator McCain is 70+ and Senator Obama is under 50. Old vs. New is about philosophy, and I hope you will pay attention, because philosophy is a four-syllable word, and I don't know many of those. Now before I start, let me preface this by saying I personally know 25 year olds that are Old American. I also know 60 year olds that welcome New America. The question is, who are you?

Old America believed in the constitution and a representative form of government. New America is about firing off an e-mail to your congressional rep and expecting them to listen to your individual issue.

Old America fought wars on both fronts: On the battlefield and in the living room. New America abhors any fighting, and believes in the theory that no killing is ever justified.

Old America worked 3 jobs if necessary to feed their families. New America holds dearly to the 40 hour work week, and expects considerable compensation for such.

Old America valued a college education, but not higher than they valued character. New America thinks a sheepskin from Duke or Yale is character.

Old America learned of sacrifice through experience; military service and the depression come immediately to mind. New America thinks sacrifice is deciding to NOT sue the neighbor for their kids accidentally busting down the back yard fence.

Old America trusted the media to give them facts and appropriate perspective. New America trusts the media to tell them how they should think.

Old America is a pencil and multiplication tables. New America is a Blackberry and google.

When you messed with Old America, you found out what the price for doing that was. In New America, there is some doubt about whether or not the Japanese actually did the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

Old America believed in their God, and worshiped in peace. New America tries to limit God to whatever building he happens to be in, and uses the legal system to keep it that way.

Old America had large families. Understandably, economics dictate smaller families, but New America has same sex marriage, which means no families at all.

Old America viewed divorce with shame. New America rejoices that only 2 out of 3 marriages fail. It could be worse, they'll tell you.

Old America taught their kids to say, "Yes Sir" and "No Ma'am". New America teaches their kids to...you know what? I'm not sure WHAT New America teaches their kids, but it ain't dat, butthead.

Old America had single parent households because one of the two parents died. New America looks upon single parenthood as some sort of a couch business.

To Old America, an abortion was a plan discarded at the last minute. In New America, we have a phrase "late term abortion", which is pretty close to defining legalized murder, to be quite honest.

In Old America, patriotism was expected, and a lack of patriotism was something you hid from the eyes of others. In New America, patriotism is a choice - heralded by some, despised as a weakness by others.

With a few small variations, Senator John McCain is Old America. Without exception, Senator Barrack Obama is New America. Senator Obama is correct when he says "to accept John McCain, is to accept the very same, if not older concepts". If you choose to vote for Barrack Obama, you will be endorsing the New America, and denouncing the old.

The only thing you have to decide is who are YOU?

Why

I didn't include a question mark in the title because the word "why" isn't a question, but a statement. And now I'm going to tell you why.

As far as coal is concerned, the U.S. is the Saudi Arabia of coal.

As far as shale is concerned, the U.S. is the Venezuela of shale.

The United States has so much oil in Alaska, the continental United States, the Gulf of Mexico, the Atlantic and Pacific shores, everyone knows we could be independent from foreign oil for hundreds and hundreds of years, plenty of time to develop alternative sources of energy, given that we've only been industrialized for a little more than 100 years. Just look how far we have gone in only the last 50...the last 10...or even the last 5.

I'm getting to the "why", so hold your horses.

In the past 17 months, 7 bills have been introduced to further our exploration, refinement, and use of OUR OWN RESOURCES. In each of the 7 cases, the voting was astonishing. 95% of Republicans voted for, and 95% of Democrats voted against. This is fundamentally impossible, when you think about it. It is so obvious that these votes are the result of childish, petulant, belligerent, spoiled little children that we - that's right, we - have voted into office. There is no way you are going to convince me that these voting statistics are the result of pure chance. No way. These idiots we have in office not only cannot ---- they will not --- cooperate with one and another. I'm a donkey, so I say this! I'm an elephant, and I say that! And who loses?

Middle class America, that's who.

It finally hit me last night why these people are the way they are. They DON'T FEEL IT. Senators make $162,100.00 a year. House members make $150,000.00 a year. They have stipends for housing, fuel, rental cars, food, and whatever else they feel like voting themselves in on. They don't pay for gas. They don't pay for food. We do.

Stipend = taxpayer money.

Four bucks a gallon doesn't hurt when someone else is paying for it. Increased food and serviceable goods prices don't hurt when someone else pays for it. These 435 House members and 100 Senators don't pay for shit, make ridiculous amounts of money to only work about 7 or 8 months a year, so they can afford to take their ball and leave the playground if the other members don't want to play nice. They don't get hurt.

This energy crisis has long ago stopped being about the one-eyed, spotted cape worm of North Dakota, or gay buffalo antelope in Anwar. It has now come down to a juvenile battle of wits, and these delinquents have names like, Pelosi (D), Foley (R), Martinez (R), and Reid (D). Furthermore, they're flunking the 5th grade too, but we're willing to elect them again and allow them to progress to grade 6. It doesn't matter who the principal is when the student body has an average IQ of about 23, and is constantly in the discipline office for misbehaving.

Think about that last sentence for a second. If Jesus Christ were president, but all he had to work with was 535 Judas', he wouldn't have a chance in hell of succeeding....pun intended!

Objection! Objection!

The White River in Indiana is expected to crest 16 feet above its banks in the next 24 hours, so the president has sent military troops to furiously fill sandbags and reinforce as best they can to save several imperiled towns.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has roundly rejected the president's actions, stating, "The use of soldiers in this situation is fruitless. The only reason he wants to send troops there is because he wants access to Indiana's vast basketball resources."

Presumptive nominee Barrack Obama also spoke from his home in Chicago, saying he visited Indiana once in 2006, and he told the president at that time "The war against flooding had been long lost, and the only thing to do is the immediate withdrawal of all residents from the area."

As Pelosi was finishing her speech, supporters were heard loudly in the background chanting:

"NO SANDBAGS FOR BASKETBALL!!!"
"NO SANDBAGS FOR BASKETBALL!!!"
"NO SANDBAGS FOR BASKETBALL!!!"
"NO SANDBAGS FOR BASKETBALL!!!"

Words, damn words, superficial words, and the dumbasses who like to call themselves "wordsmiths" that think of them.

Yeah right...you're just banging away at those letters bent over an anvil, working up a huge sweat while "smithing" the word guess into guess -"timate". Gimme a break, will ya?

In my lifetime alone, I have witnessed the collective retardification of humanity at the hands of words and phrases like Monkey Pox, Bird Flu, the “Super Bug” bacteria, near-earth meteors, global cooling, global warming, SARS, gay marriage, gay civil unions, the teaching of evolution, the teaching of creationism, antidepressants, depressants, fluoride, non-flouridated water, organic foods, inorganic foods, PETA, animals rights terrorism, Islamic terrorism, cyber-terrorism, anti-bacterial soap, something called "flavored coffee", the Cheesecake Factory (is that supposed to convey that cheesecakes are made by sweaty Taiwanese children?), HLV, HTLV, AIDS, Hep-A, Hep-B, and Hep-C (which I hope isn't made by the Hawaiian Punch people)...smart bombs, dumb bombs, bombshell, car bomb, bombed out of my mind, dropped a bomb, threw a bomb, and the always popular sports analogy: We got bombed by the Yankees.


And and I'm not done...

I hate anything with the suffix "gate". Spygate, watergate, monicagate, and if they could do it without offending blacks, they'd probably find a way to criticize the Augusta National Golf Club some more by having "Mastergate" thrown in there as well. Same thing applies to adding the suffix "nater" to a persons name. Look, it's the Mark-a-nater....it's the Brad-i-nater. I have one for you people who want to say that - you're dork-i-naters....each and every one of you.

Feel dumber yet? I'm still not done.

What am I doing now? I'm writing in a log on the web, or web logging, commonly called blogging, which makes me a blogger in the blogosphere, suffering from blogomania, but I don't have a blogroll on my blogspace page, and there are even some really clever folks out there who call it a "blawg". "Like...you knooooew...oooooh my gawd, I have a blawg."


I'm finished, right? Now friggin way, Jose.


Video Log, vlog, vloggers, vlogosphere....you get the idea. Bored folks with a camera who know how to post it on youtube commenting on Obama's latest speech like they're Bill friggin Moyers or something, or else they are filling us with useless information on Linsay Lohan's latest heroin induced spending spree on Rodeo Drive, to which I hate to bother you Californians out there, but the word is Ro-Dee-o...not Ro-daaay-o, you self-serving, fake car-pool lane driving, smog-filled, brain dead, phonies.


Done? Hardly.


Peer pressure, political correctness, open-mindedness, close-mindedness, post 9-11, postpartum depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, Black Friday, Black Tuesday, African-American (or do black people in France call themselves African-Frenchmen?) work permitted immigrants, documented workers, undocumented workers, and the "Agency for Workforce Innovation" (which is what Florida calls the Unemployment Office).

Hang in there, almost done. Has anyone else come to the conclusion that that the very worst of these is barely worthy of a double take or a second mention, or am I the only one? Ok, to finish this thing off:

Senator Obama gave a speech at the....get this....FORTUNE MAGAZINE 2007 "MOVERS AND SHAKERS" CONVENTION in Chicago, and he said if elected president, he was going to stop the use of "Corporate Buzz-words".

I guess "movers and shakers" was exempt.

Ahhhh...the terrible 13's

I had a friend recently tell me that her barely teenage kids are lacking in desire to do things like dishes, laundry, and housework in her absence. Hmmmmm....sound familiar to any of you who have raised teens and only slightly avoided killing them in the name of the betterment of society?

I does to me.

You see, being brand new teens, my friend is just now experiencing the first of many teenage stages, which follow in no particular order, but are still VERY real, nonetheless:

The Mall Stage:

This is when the mom or dad has the audacity to actually walk beside their child/children at the mall. The rule is this: Five paces in front, and never turn around or speak openly to the kids. Someone could notice, you know, and subsequently embarrass the heck out of your little darlings.

The Light Saber Stage:

This is when you the parent have had enough, and you stand on the cat-walk and have a daring sword fight with your offspring, eventually resulting in you severing their hand and in your best James Earl Jones saying, "Krrrrrrrrrrrrsh. I am your fa-ther! Krrrrrrrrrrrsh".

The Panic Stage:

This comes at age 15-16, and invariably follows the phrase, "Now that I have my licence mom, mind if I go see my friend 26 miles, 3,400 cars, red lights, and rolling stop signs away?"

Da Txt Stg:

This is where you realize that all the time, money, anguish, and late-nights you spent "getting the project done while they're in bed sleeping", results in your acknowledgment that your children ultimately failed to learn to speak English. A phone call takes considerably less time to communicate what Im gng 2 S's 2 eet dinr and wtch mvee be bck @10 by talking would take, but talking means they would have to actually talk to you which is no good to them ---- and who the hell is "S", by the way?

The How the Hell did you survive all these years? Stage:

This is when your children finally come to the realization that dad and mom are soooooooo stupid, the kid wonders how it is you were never run over by a city bus or electrocuted by dropping your crystal radio set or morse code machine into your bathtub.

All of these stages go into mysterious remission whenever they need money of course, and you are no longer the ignorant Cro Magnon person they treated you as yesterday...or 30 minutes ago, for that matter. You are their kind, caring, loving mom or dad, and could you please spot them say....50 bucks or so?

My friend will learn soon enough...and in doing so, she may actually rue the fact that the bus missed her when it did.

L8TR.

Infomercials

Three nights ago I couldn't sleep, so I turned on the TV at 2:30 AM. I was looking for a run down of that night's baseball action, but instead was greeted with an infomercial on the obvious problem I have with my colon.

Yup.

30 minutes where two grown men talked openly about elongating my feces, increasing the girth by nearly 32%, ultimately getting rid of that average 7 - 8 pounds of undigested and subsequently thoroughly impacted fecal matter.

For merely 3 easy payments of $33.95, I can have the latest in colon-imploding herbal medications. I won't belabor the topic by giving you the name of the product or its endorser, but the man was creepily obsessed with what comes out of the human rectum. He even said this, and I quote him exactly:

“I'm famous for telling America on TV about the first time I saw my four-year-old daughter's bowel movement in the toilet. It seemed so large to me compared to her size that I thought there was something wrong with her. But actually it was me that needed to cleanse.”

Now let's be real, shall we? I've had 3 children, and I've seen many a diapered bowel movement - to include the green and off-yellow's of the 3 days postpartum variety. But I can honestly tell you that none of my children aged 4 or higher ever requested, nor did I volunteer to, look into the toilet after they dropped a deuce. And being their father, I had the parental right to do so if I wanted to. But I didn't, and wouldn't unless a doctor instructed me to do so.

This "Nerd of Turds" even spices up his info-grossal with photographs of green, rope like feces, chocolate and mustard colored wet explosive messes, and one of his "Cleanse Formula" fueled Hiroshima or Nagasaki sized bombs as well. Perfect for 2:30 AM TV, and no other time.

Now go back to the top and look at his photo again. Does this look like a guy that enjoys talking about the joys of crapping large? Does he look like the kind of guy who revels in telling people on national TV how many inches long and wide an adult retro-fired ICBM should be?

Yes....of course he does.

Thoughts 6/5/08

* 9-11 mastermind Kahlid Steak and Shake Muhammed says he wants to die, so he can be a martyr. That's fine with me, but to be more precise, Shakey-boy, all you're going to be is another dead dickhead, and I shall shed no tears for you.

* Since promising she would not allow the then $2.90 gas prices to rise any higher, Nancy Pelosi has an 11% approval rating - and that's with her husband and kids. The rest of us see her as a much, much, bigger asshole.

* Marin Luther King once said, "I dream of living in a country where my four girls are judged NOT by the color of their skin, but by the strength of their character." Absolutely stunning and powerful words, that sadly - ARE NOT - being adhered to. In a NY Pravda Times article yesterday, the word "black" was used no fewer than 5 times in the first two paragraphs about the presumptive democratic nominee. Senator Obama himself has stated in the past week that this campaign should be about "issues", not things like his wife's statements, Tony Rezko, Pentagon-bombing terrorists, Jeremiah Wright, Hammas connections, etc. Since a wise person once said, "you will be judged by the company you keep", it seems Senator Obama has forgotten the late civil rights pioneer's message as well.

How sad.

When the first person of color is on the precipice of the presidency, the man who paved the way - and died for it, by the way - is being spurned by the person who is about to benefit most from Dr. King's justified persistence. Racism is alive and flourishing in this country alright, but I'm skeptical of the direction the finger is being pointed.

Fin

From the moment she stepped foot on the campus of Wellesley College in Eastern Massachusetts, receiving her first pampering session that the all-girls school is famous for, Senator Clinton began her journey into her faux world, a world you and I have no idea about...

...and in most cases have no desire to step into.

Off to law school, the big Arkansas law firms, the Governors mansion, then ultimately into a cozy little cottage on Pennsylvania Avenue in the nation's capital. A brief stop as a New York state Senator - incredibly unquestioned residential status - then finally straight into the blazing limelight known as the Democratic Presidential Race.

Whereas a normal person considers his or her moment of fame the time the letters to the editors of the local paper printed their diatribe on rolling stops and red light running, Senator Clinton really has no conception of the struggle of daily life; people taking second jobs so they can pay for the nicest hockey skates or tap shoes for their kids; what a real "village" is - homeowners association fees, idiot neighbors, and mowing your own lawn; taking the dog out for a poop; driving ones self wherever needed, to include filling that car up with gas at the "self-serve" pump. You know what, though? Up until this moment, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton had no idea what I am talking about...however...

She just lost the thing she has envisioned since she took her first steps towards the chess club meeting the nanny had just driven her to. The thing that she had stepped onto each rung in the proper progression of to succeed. The thing her husband had, that she obviously yearned for each day she awoke in that magical house for eight years.

She lost.

In what surely must have seemed a slam-dunk to her 5 months ago - total victory over the Senator still metaphorically in political diapers - turned into her biggest nightmare. And she had the radical church with the nut-job reverend. And she had the wife with the big mouth that seems to say equally big stupid things. And she had the Hammas connection; the "whitey" tape that seems to be the focus of so much talk; the experience superiority she obviously held.

And still she lost.

There is a silver lining if indeed Senator Clinton has the wherewithal to look at it this way: Senator Clinton has - at least temporarily - entered the real world.

The world in which children actually get sick and die, leaving devastated parents with a shorter life expectancy because of it. The world in which the kids who do live sometimes strike out with the bases loaded in the championship game, dispelling the myth of the Hollywood sports movie. The world where hard working, honest to goodness fine people, lose jobs because the ownership of companies count the beans and discover that this year they'll only make $9 million instead of last year's $10 million, and therefore fifteen $37,000.00 a year employees have to be fired; the world where $4 for gas totally sucks big-time; the world where no matter how good you are, no matter how hard you pray, and no matter how many good deeds you've done for total strangers, sometimes it just doesn't work out in your favor.

Welcome to the real world, Senator. If you choose to stay with us, you'll find out it's a much more satisfying and fulfilling place to be. No kidding. We may not be members of "Penelope's Petunia Society" over here in the real world, but we get a big kick out of bringing our roses from mere seeds into full bloom once a year. Our fingernails have dirt under them, our clothing is designed by Ross Dress for Less and TJMAX, not some seriously gay dude from south beach in Miami who had all his body hair removed, our haircuts cost $25 at Supercuts, not $375 from the Miami guy's cousin at "Chez Flaming Hair Salon", and our shoes are $35 Reebok's from Sears, but by and large we're a happier bunch.

After you've cleaned off that substantial plate of humble pie, you should consider staying. There is always the possibility that your daughter will give birth to a boy, and on one sweaty, hot, summer afternoon, you may indeed be sitting on some aluminum bleachers as your grandson becomes the player that hits a single with the bases loaded, winning his team a little league championship.

And you, Grandma Hillary? You'll begin to realize this is the finest moment of your life.

Class is in session.

Teacher: Ok, look. Here is what you do. Go up there and just start wailing, screaming, and denouncing anything and everything.

Student: Anything?

Teacher: Right! Anything...and don't forget to throw in some 200 year old oppression and some silly-assed shit about how EVERYBODY is racist.

Student: Everybody? Isn't that a bit excessive?

Teacher: Never mind that, facts are immaterial. Oh yeah...and don't forget to call the United States "God's big mistake" or some shit like that.

Student: You know, for a man who says he's a Christian, you sure do cuss a lot.

Teacher: Fuck that. You need to be worried about gettin' people all riled up and yellin' at the white folks. So you worry about your speech, and I'll worry about my fuckin' language, dig? And one more thing: make damn sure you mention the greatness of Farrakhan. Last thing I need is his ass comin' after me.

Student: Uuuuh, yeah...ok. But what if someone Youtube's me saying this stuff? Won't I get into trouble?

Teacher: Hellllllll no. You just start out by sayin' how you were taken out of context.

Student: What if they don't buy that?

Teacher: You about a dumbass, ain't you? You then say you were mis-commenting, mis-textifying, mis-deliberatating, or some shit like that. When you make up words and phrases, it fucks 'em up reaaaal good. Then they won't know what to say.

Student: And you swear I won't get into trouble?

Teacher: I swear. Worst comes to worst, you make some lame-assed bullshit apology, and 2 days later, no one can remember your name.

Student: Ok. One last question. Why am I doing this?

Teacher: For freedom and equality, that's why.

Student: So I ramble on about some totally non-sensical stuff, and the end result is freedom and equality?

Teacher: Ain't it great?