True news of the untrue variety

I am hereby declaring a Fatwah on myself. I've never actually declared a Fatwah on anyone before, mostly because when I wanted to declare one on my high school algebra teacher, I had yet to even know what a Fatwah was. But if I had known, you miserable bastard, I would have done it. And for the record, if N=15 and Y=22, besides some bespeckled sub-nerd at Los Alamos or NASA, who really cares what X is?

So I am declaring a Fatwah on myself because I think Islamic Extremists are the world's biggest issue, irrespective of what Al Gore says about Polar Bears. So a Fatwah it is, and if I insist on talking badly about people who murder children in the name of God, then I need to be silenced; and don't push me, because I'll do it. Car-bomb myself, that is. That'll teach me.

In other news, the NBA preseason has been interrupted by the NBA post season. Apparently teams that had scheduled preseason games for the 2008/09 season have had these games postponed because they're still playing the playoffs from the 2007/08 season. I'm joking of course, but you get the drift. Basketball is kind of a Fall/Winter sport...not a late June sport.

Thousands have been rushing to get married in California. Has anyone asked them if this is what they really want? It is marriage after all. 'Till death do you part, etc, etc. It seems to me, from watching the news reports and such, most of them are just trying to make some sort of profound statement. I hate to disappoint you. It's really not that profound.

A man in Orlando was arrested today at a convenience store for pumping gas out out of the ground directly into a 300 gallon tank in the back of his truck. When told by police to stop, he just stared wordlessly at them and kept on pumping. He obviously had reached his breaking point, and snapped.

In Cody, Wyoming, the coke machine was working this morning. Hundreds of residents came out and were heard oooing and ahhhing at this marvel of modern technology. In a similar story from Wamego, Kansas, residents took portable chairs and picnic lunches to watch the new car wash in operation for the first time. Clem Higgins, town librarian, was quoted saying, "It's pretty neat watching the bubbles float off down the sidewalk."

In a recent poll, democratic candidate Sen. Barrack Obama is maintaining his 4 point lead over republican Sen. John McCain. In another poll, 14% of Americans admitted they hated creamed corn, and wished their mom hadn't insisted upon them eating every bite. If people actually were starving in India, she should have shipped them all our creamed corn and spinach, saving money on psychiatric counselling down the road.

Finally, in the rape case in Lincoln, Nebraska, where the judge said the defendant couldn't use the word rape - IN A RAPE TRIAL FOR CRIPES SAKE - the perpetrator was found guilty. What was he found guilty of? Rape. No shit? Imagine that? Next thing you know, they'll be convicting murderers for committing murder. Just remember, when the case is being prosecuted, you can't say murder. You have to say, "Actions taken to ensure the ending of the life of the person on the wrong end of the device that propels a lead projectile into a large mass composed of flesh, bones, and organs vital to the survival of the holder of those biological entities, presumably and allegedly as an intentional act and not an accidental act caused by the urgency of trying to procure person #1's money into person #2's possession."

Got it? Me neither. Better ask that judge in Nebraska. Apparently, he does.