Infomercials

Three nights ago I couldn't sleep, so I turned on the TV at 2:30 AM. I was looking for a run down of that night's baseball action, but instead was greeted with an infomercial on the obvious problem I have with my colon.

Yup.

30 minutes where two grown men talked openly about elongating my feces, increasing the girth by nearly 32%, ultimately getting rid of that average 7 - 8 pounds of undigested and subsequently thoroughly impacted fecal matter.

For merely 3 easy payments of $33.95, I can have the latest in colon-imploding herbal medications. I won't belabor the topic by giving you the name of the product or its endorser, but the man was creepily obsessed with what comes out of the human rectum. He even said this, and I quote him exactly:

“I'm famous for telling America on TV about the first time I saw my four-year-old daughter's bowel movement in the toilet. It seemed so large to me compared to her size that I thought there was something wrong with her. But actually it was me that needed to cleanse.”

Now let's be real, shall we? I've had 3 children, and I've seen many a diapered bowel movement - to include the green and off-yellow's of the 3 days postpartum variety. But I can honestly tell you that none of my children aged 4 or higher ever requested, nor did I volunteer to, look into the toilet after they dropped a deuce. And being their father, I had the parental right to do so if I wanted to. But I didn't, and wouldn't unless a doctor instructed me to do so.

This "Nerd of Turds" even spices up his info-grossal with photographs of green, rope like feces, chocolate and mustard colored wet explosive messes, and one of his "Cleanse Formula" fueled Hiroshima or Nagasaki sized bombs as well. Perfect for 2:30 AM TV, and no other time.

Now go back to the top and look at his photo again. Does this look like a guy that enjoys talking about the joys of crapping large? Does he look like the kind of guy who revels in telling people on national TV how many inches long and wide an adult retro-fired ICBM should be?

Yes....of course he does.