Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Monday, December 08, 2008
Sunday, December 07, 2008
The 28 Days of Christmas
We're not quite halfway through the 28 days of Christmas, for which I intend the 28th day to be December 24th, Christmas Eve. I think Christmas Eve is the early extension of Christmas Day, and therefore part and parcel the same thing.
I have hoped to bring forth some music not normally heard on the radio...and I think I've done quite nicely so far. While mixing in the modern rock sounds of Christian music's "Third Day", I have found a healthy mix of old-time music sung by its masters as well as by some artists you had no idea sung these songs; Sarah McLaughlin, The Beatles, and U2 spring to mind. Who knew the Beatles sang "White Christmas"?
It's always a good idea to add some humor to the affair, as evidenced by the video clips from "Christmas Vacation" and the audio nightmare of the poor bastard butchering "O Holy Night" (sorry Karen...I love that song too). Stay tuned for more from artists such as Stevie Nicks, Bob Seger, and some others who may surprise you.
Hope you like, and Merry Christmas, peace, love, and fellowship to all.
-JL4
I have hoped to bring forth some music not normally heard on the radio...and I think I've done quite nicely so far. While mixing in the modern rock sounds of Christian music's "Third Day", I have found a healthy mix of old-time music sung by its masters as well as by some artists you had no idea sung these songs; Sarah McLaughlin, The Beatles, and U2 spring to mind. Who knew the Beatles sang "White Christmas"?
It's always a good idea to add some humor to the affair, as evidenced by the video clips from "Christmas Vacation" and the audio nightmare of the poor bastard butchering "O Holy Night" (sorry Karen...I love that song too). Stay tuned for more from artists such as Stevie Nicks, Bob Seger, and some others who may surprise you.
Hope you like, and Merry Christmas, peace, love, and fellowship to all.
-JL4
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
JL4's 28 Days of Christmas, Day 7 part 1
Today on the radio, something astonishing happened. You know how nearly every radio and TV station in the country have some sort of toy drive to help the needy? Well, I heard two totally different radio stations today say something that was nearly word-for-word identical. They were discussing the people and types of people who were in need of toys for their kids, and they both said the face of the people this year has totally changed. While the same faces and social situations one would expect are there asking for help, this year Mr. & Mrs. Middle to Lower middle class are also grudgingly asking for assistance as well. "Perhaps a small toy or two would go a long way to ease the pain of the last year", a former $75,000 a year - now completely bankrupt and destitute former real estate salesman said. Yes, perhaps it would.
Perhaps someday at Christmas all will be well for everyone. Someday...
Perhaps someday at Christmas all will be well for everyone. Someday...
Monday, December 01, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
AMERICAN TUNE from 1974
Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I'm all right, I'm all right
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home
And I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
or driven to its knees
but it's all right, it's all right
for we lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the
road we're traveling on
I wonder what's gone wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong
And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was flying
We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hours
and sing an American tune
Oh, and it's alright, it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all I'm trying to get some rest
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The toughest call
Today I went and voted, and I faced a tough, tough decision. No, not that one about who should be President. The other one.
Florida Amendment 2, gay marriage.
Now to be fair, I have stated several times over the years on this blog if Bill wants to marry Bob, who am I to object? But this time, it's different. The state of Florida has officially asked me to give my vote.
My vote. My official opinion. My signature on a permanent document. And so I gave it.
Marriage is one man and one woman. Don't like it? Then don't ask me any more.
Next?
Florida Amendment 2, gay marriage.
Now to be fair, I have stated several times over the years on this blog if Bill wants to marry Bob, who am I to object? But this time, it's different. The state of Florida has officially asked me to give my vote.
My vote. My official opinion. My signature on a permanent document. And so I gave it.
Marriage is one man and one woman. Don't like it? Then don't ask me any more.
Next?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
With winds gusting to 40 mph and temperatures in the mid-20's, the Pocono's in Pennsylvania, Eastern NY state, Western Massachusetts, and Vermont are currently being hit with their first pre-halloween snow storm in almost 3 decades. Up to 9 inches is expected in the Pocono's, with Mass, NY, and Vermont expecting 13 inches.Al Gore? Your move.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Angry Viewers
Fans Across the Nation Furious as TBS Cuts Out on Coverage of the Outcome of Steve and Regina's Madcap Hijinx for Some stupid Baseball Game.
Mass Confusion Across the Country as Viewers Were Expecting to See 'Hanging' with Mr. Cooper' Not 'The Steve Harvey Show'
Michael Jackson - Thriller
Best video ever. Produced and directed by John Landis. Creepy white-guy ebonics by Vincent Price. Pedophilia by MJ.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Huey Lewis And The News - Doing It All For My Baby (1987)
Back when video's ruled. One of my favorites. I sure do miss these.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Gertenfarken Hookentaaaaalen
The past two days I have worked at a place that is nearly 75% Icelandic.
Don't ask.
In any case, I was informed that my primary responsibilities would be to check identification and verify some information telephonically, and it would be very easy. I thought - yeah, I know...thinking again - but I thought the names would be similar to Norwegian or Swedish. Carlson, Petterson, and the occasional Bjorg.
Nuh ah. Did I say nuh ah? I meant, nuh-fuckin'-ah.
The first telephone call I had was from a woman named, and I swear to God on this, Ernlaschmelken Ragmaarsdottian. I know this because I asked her to spell it, and I wrote it down as she told me. Can you imagine writting out a personal check from one person to another? They must use those oversized things you see on TV when someone wins $5 million from Ed McMahan. I can see it now. Everybody in Iceland carrying around what looks like poster board, and it's actually their checkbooks.
And what's with all the A's? Ingmaaarsonjanglinhoosen Maaartinbolinjaaacken. Okay, okay, we get it. You want the "ahh" sound. One 'a' should be sufficient. You don't need 13 consecutively, though.
And so, that's it. My blog for today. This is Jyaaalfourtislaaaken, signing off.
Don't ask.
In any case, I was informed that my primary responsibilities would be to check identification and verify some information telephonically, and it would be very easy. I thought - yeah, I know...thinking again - but I thought the names would be similar to Norwegian or Swedish. Carlson, Petterson, and the occasional Bjorg.
Nuh ah. Did I say nuh ah? I meant, nuh-fuckin'-ah.
The first telephone call I had was from a woman named, and I swear to God on this, Ernlaschmelken Ragmaarsdottian. I know this because I asked her to spell it, and I wrote it down as she told me. Can you imagine writting out a personal check from one person to another? They must use those oversized things you see on TV when someone wins $5 million from Ed McMahan. I can see it now. Everybody in Iceland carrying around what looks like poster board, and it's actually their checkbooks.
And what's with all the A's? Ingmaaarsonjanglinhoosen Maaartinbolinjaaacken. Okay, okay, we get it. You want the "ahh" sound. One 'a' should be sufficient. You don't need 13 consecutively, though.
And so, that's it. My blog for today. This is Jyaaalfourtislaaaken, signing off.
Bay-dirt !!!!
If I've told you once, I've told you 10,000 times: DON'T MESS WITH THE RED SOX IN OCTOBER!
Try and remember that.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
And in sports...Bob?
What's going on with the Cubs, Bob? It seems they lost to the Dodgers.
Yeeesssss, Bif, that's true. But the Cub fans seem to be taking this loss in stride.
That's nice, Bob. I'm glad they're not taking another loss too seriously.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Do You Remember?
Back when MTV (music televistion) did something weird. They showed "music video's".
I knooooooow. I never knew either!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Keys to success
In my opinion, there are 5 keys to success, whether that be as a parent, a supervisor, a neighbor, or just a regular Jane or Joe on the street.
1. Never ask anyone to do anything you wouldn't do yourself.
2. Lend physical assistance where possible, and moral support at all times. Criticize sparingly, and never let your praise pouch become empty.
3. Ask much more of yourself than you ever would another person. If your individual standards are low, how can you expect anyone around you to rise higher?
4. Give a shit.
5. Recognize there are people smarter, faster, wealthier, and better than you are. There are also those beneath you, in the same categories. In any case, just don't be an asshole about either of them.
That's it. Work your own magic on these 5, and the rest is Banana Bread.
1. Never ask anyone to do anything you wouldn't do yourself.
2. Lend physical assistance where possible, and moral support at all times. Criticize sparingly, and never let your praise pouch become empty.
3. Ask much more of yourself than you ever would another person. If your individual standards are low, how can you expect anyone around you to rise higher?
4. Give a shit.
5. Recognize there are people smarter, faster, wealthier, and better than you are. There are also those beneath you, in the same categories. In any case, just don't be an asshole about either of them.
That's it. Work your own magic on these 5, and the rest is Banana Bread.
C'mon everybody! You all know the words to the song...
Start spreadin' the news.I'm leaving today.
I want to be a part of it...
Sing it blue eyes...sing it!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Across The universe - Let It Be
If you like the Beetles, and you have not seen the movie "Across the Universe", you're missing out.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Pondering...
Have you ever thought if there were a bunch of dyslexic christian rock singers, how many songs about "Dog" there would be?
Is it considered rude to "sign" with your hands full?
Have any aliens ever formed "crop squares" ?
If a man dies of a heart attack 2 seconds before they throw the electric chair switch, what will happen when they do?
What do you call an earthquake on another planet?
When the sign-makers union goes on strike, what do they hold up in front of the headquarters?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Ever seen a donkey in the game "Donkey Kong"?
Do people who stutter do so when thinking?
If Luke Skywalker used his light saber under water, would it refract?
Can you "stare off into earth" when you're in space?
Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?'
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, would that be a hostage situation?
I'm just askin'...
Is it considered rude to "sign" with your hands full?
Have any aliens ever formed "crop squares" ?
If a man dies of a heart attack 2 seconds before they throw the electric chair switch, what will happen when they do?
What do you call an earthquake on another planet?
When the sign-makers union goes on strike, what do they hold up in front of the headquarters?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Ever seen a donkey in the game "Donkey Kong"?
Do people who stutter do so when thinking?
If Luke Skywalker used his light saber under water, would it refract?
Can you "stare off into earth" when you're in space?
Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?'
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, would that be a hostage situation?
I'm just askin'...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Famous 9-1-1 calls
"Uh hello, 9-1-1, this is Casey Anthony. I'd like a Hawaiian Pizza... Oh Snap! I mean, my daughter, Caylee, she's like been missing, for like, 31 days, and like I'm sooooo bummed, you know. Like out of my freakin' mind, that, like I think, I like left her with this babysitter, Zabmida-Dakinda Lopez...or maybe it was Frederica-Umatilla Gamez. No, no...wait...it's...it's...Zackmeela-Hernandez Dominguez...."
"Oh forget it, could you just bring me the pizza? Call Lee and Cindy to get the scoop on that other shit about the kid..they can tell you about it."
"Is this 9-1-1? It is? Good. This is General George A Custer up in Sioux City S.D., and I shit you not- there are a butt-load of Indians comin' this way, and I don't think there's a sale at 'Pelts-R-Us' or anything. You got a few men you could send this way?"
"9-1-1? This is the juice...you know, OJ? I was out chipping golf balls in my backyard this evening about 2 am, when this white dude threw a bloody glove over my fence and put a couple of my socks with blood on them in my master bedroom. (Pause) How do I know this? I'm sorry, I think the connection is bad...hello?...hello?"
"9-1-1? Yeah, this is Alec Baldwin, you officious little yellow pig! You are so selfish, answering other people's calls ahead of mine. I'll bet your mother is behind this you fucking little bitch!!"
"Well hello, 9-1-1. This is Al Gore, and ...hee hee...I just ate 5 Big Mac's and released a ton of Brown-House gases. You might want to detail a Haz-Mat team to Central Tennessee."
"Good evening, 4-1-1. This is George Dubbya. Uh, huh. Yup. You got the number to Gorby? What? Nine one one? Hey, can't a guy make a mistake? (Pause) Up yours too!"
"Hey 9-1-1?!!!? Wanna hear something really funny? They just released the DNA reports from one portion of the crime scene, but they exonerated me for everything!! (Pause) I know, it's REALLY stupid. There were 5 major places in the crime, and they only cleared me of the one, yet they closed the book on me! Fuckin' awesome, dude. (Pause) My name? Oh...my bad...Patsy...P-a-t-s-y..."
"Oh forget it, could you just bring me the pizza? Call Lee and Cindy to get the scoop on that other shit about the kid..they can tell you about it."
"Is this 9-1-1? It is? Good. This is General George A Custer up in Sioux City S.D., and I shit you not- there are a butt-load of Indians comin' this way, and I don't think there's a sale at 'Pelts-R-Us' or anything. You got a few men you could send this way?"
"9-1-1? This is the juice...you know, OJ? I was out chipping golf balls in my backyard this evening about 2 am, when this white dude threw a bloody glove over my fence and put a couple of my socks with blood on them in my master bedroom. (Pause) How do I know this? I'm sorry, I think the connection is bad...hello?...hello?"
"9-1-1? Yeah, this is Alec Baldwin, you officious little yellow pig! You are so selfish, answering other people's calls ahead of mine. I'll bet your mother is behind this you fucking little bitch!!"
"Well hello, 9-1-1. This is Al Gore, and ...hee hee...I just ate 5 Big Mac's and released a ton of Brown-House gases. You might want to detail a Haz-Mat team to Central Tennessee."
"Good evening, 4-1-1. This is George Dubbya. Uh, huh. Yup. You got the number to Gorby? What? Nine one one? Hey, can't a guy make a mistake? (Pause) Up yours too!"
"Hey 9-1-1?!!!? Wanna hear something really funny? They just released the DNA reports from one portion of the crime scene, but they exonerated me for everything!! (Pause) I know, it's REALLY stupid. There were 5 major places in the crime, and they only cleared me of the one, yet they closed the book on me! Fuckin' awesome, dude. (Pause) My name? Oh...my bad...Patsy...P-a-t-s-y..."
Gimme back my money!!!
Bill's "Human Pinball Machine" was a big success until customers discovered they lost two quarters they couldn't get back.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My name is Iningo Montoya...prepare to die
"You idiot! I said, 'head cheese on lox', not Ed Sneed in stocks."
Bad ticker
So, explain to me what happened to Akeed?
Yes, Sultan. He was re-wiring his wristwatch, and it exploded, killing him and four friends.
They sure don't make watches like they used to, do they?
wow
The much ballyhooed, "Let your wife take the helm day" at the Southside Marina ran into a snag or two yesterday.Decline
2008 Yankee playoff ticket sales have noticeably declined recently. Susan Steinbrenner, public relations manager for the team, attributes the drop in sales to the fact that the Yankees actually won't be in the playoffs this year, but she's still "hopeful for an upsurge in sales in the coming weeks, regardless."
Homes
CENTEX, the third largest home builder in the United States, has recently defended it's selection of Sub-aqua Island, Louisiana as it's premier development site. CENTEX spokesperson Mandi Shootsbein-Heinloffer said yesterday, "We truly believed the Indian folklore that "sub-aqua" meant a lighter shade of blue, and we had no idea it had anything to do with water."Friday, September 12, 2008
70%-ers
This is an actual recanting of an interview between a local reporter and a Galveston, Texas resident who did not evacuate for Hurricane Ike. This interview has been played on national media outlets since its inception, last night.
Reporter: Why didn't you evacuate with the 2.7 million others?
Man: Weelp, ya see me and my brother figgered we wasn't gonna git hit bout a day and a half ago, so we stayed.
Reporter: But they've been tracking IKE for 16 days, at least 5 of which had the storm coming directly at you. Haven't you been watching the news?
Man: Yup, we know, but we don't hardly put alot of trust in the gub-ment.
Reporter: I see. So what are you going to do?
Man: Weelp, we gased up the trucks, gots a good generator, bouts 35 gallons of gas fer it, and plenty of beer.
Now, I have always, always, always, always said...and you can ask my friends...
...both of them...
...wait. One of them died 3 years ago.
Okay. You can ask my friend...if I don't always, always, always, always say this:
When you have a Category 4 hurricane with 130+ mph winds, 27" of rain, tornadoes, and 14 to 18 foot storm surge bearing down on your ass, the most important thing of all is to ensure your alcohol supply is 3 to 5 times larger than your survival provisions. Most people don't know this, but the more liquored up you get during a natural catastrophe, the more precise your decision making abilities will be...the more panther-like your physical responses will be....to that 7-foot wall of water coming down that dirt road towards your single wide.
And so Tex, to both you and your Rhodes Scholar brother, all I can say is:
"This Buuds fer yoo"
Reporter: Why didn't you evacuate with the 2.7 million others?
Man: Weelp, ya see me and my brother figgered we wasn't gonna git hit bout a day and a half ago, so we stayed.
Reporter: But they've been tracking IKE for 16 days, at least 5 of which had the storm coming directly at you. Haven't you been watching the news?
Man: Yup, we know, but we don't hardly put alot of trust in the gub-ment.
Reporter: I see. So what are you going to do?
Man: Weelp, we gased up the trucks, gots a good generator, bouts 35 gallons of gas fer it, and plenty of beer.
Now, I have always, always, always, always said...and you can ask my friends...
...both of them...
...wait. One of them died 3 years ago.
Okay. You can ask my friend...if I don't always, always, always, always say this:
When you have a Category 4 hurricane with 130+ mph winds, 27" of rain, tornadoes, and 14 to 18 foot storm surge bearing down on your ass, the most important thing of all is to ensure your alcohol supply is 3 to 5 times larger than your survival provisions. Most people don't know this, but the more liquored up you get during a natural catastrophe, the more precise your decision making abilities will be...the more panther-like your physical responses will be....to that 7-foot wall of water coming down that dirt road towards your single wide.
And so Tex, to both you and your Rhodes Scholar brother, all I can say is:
"This Buuds fer yoo"
Thursday, September 11, 2008
MSNBC
An obviously angry Keith Olbermann was taken off as the anchor for MSNBC's election night coverage team in November. Sources say Olbermann was pissed that Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska had consistently one-upped Olberman in the spectacle style department, which has left the metro-sexual commentator in somewhat of a tizzy. Olbermann blamed President Bush for this in a monologue given by him last Tuesday, called, "Mr. President," which had viewers confused, since every monologue for the past 2,347 days has been called, "Mr. President."
News from Baseball
Although both have been either officially or "un"offically retired from baseball in 2008, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds still manage to make headlines.Sources at JL4 News have obtained never-before disclosed documents that show at the 2004 All-Star game Clemens and Bonds both injected themselves with the self-absorbed-officious-prick-hormone, "Anabolicum Mephirst".
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The other day
I was thinking the other day, when suddenly it hit me.
What the fuck am I doing thinking?
The end.
What the fuck am I doing thinking?
The end.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
BOOBS
It seems the BOOBS theory has panned out as correct - once again.
As IKE streaks across the Gulf of Mexico, JOSEPHINE...well...JOSEPHINE is best described by Bruce Springsteen:
Well she jumped up, turned around,
spit in the air, fell on the ground.
Asked him which was the way back home.
He said take a right at the light, keep goin' straight until night,
and then girl, you're on your own.
And now in Zanzibar a shootin' star
was ridin' in a side car
hummin' a lunar tune.
Yes, and the avatar said blow the bar
but first remove the cookie jar
we're gonna teach those boys to laugh too soon.
And some kidnapped handicap was complainin'
that he caught the clap
from some mousetrap
he bought last night.
Well I unsnapped his skull cap
and between his ears
I saw a gap
but figured he'd be all right.
Cuz she was just blinded by the light...
BOOBS
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Try it fpr yourself
TS Hanna cannot make up her mind if she wants to be a TS or a Hurricane, and we're not even going to cover her changes in direction 4 times in the past 30 hours. These are not minor shifts, mind you. These changes go from South Florida to North Carolina to Savannah Ga, and now Daytona Beach in North Central Florida.
I guarrantee she made her husband move that damn piano 4 different times after they got their first apartment.
In any event, the JL4 BOOBS theory once again holds true. Male named storms go straight to the task, while female named storms have more moves than Michael Jackson at a boy scout jamboree.
But don't listen to me. Do your own leg work. TS Ike and TS Josephine are out there forming now. Watch them.
BOOBS = Basis Of Offbeat Biometric Storming
I guarrantee she made her husband move that damn piano 4 different times after they got their first apartment.
In any event, the JL4 BOOBS theory once again holds true. Male named storms go straight to the task, while female named storms have more moves than Michael Jackson at a boy scout jamboree.
But don't listen to me. Do your own leg work. TS Ike and TS Josephine are out there forming now. Watch them.
BOOBS = Basis Of Offbeat Biometric Storming
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Hurricane Gustav
As hurricane Gustav barrels down on New Orleans, republican Senator John McCain and President Bush are preparing their apology speeches for the hurricane about to hit New Orleans. We here at JL4 News have exclusive information that part of each speech is a formal apology from the entire republican party for the second horrific hurricane in 3 years to hit the city built 7 feet below sea level. President Bush's speech reads in part, "I am sorry that I caused not one - but two hurricanes during my second term in office."
In a disappointing show of partisan politics, Senator Barack Obama will not be raising his hands and calming the raging seas, saying in part, "I don't do that gig any more. Making the blind guy see wore my ass out."
President Bush said earlier today, "We're hopeful for less resdiucjisdal...redujidal...what's that word Bob?"
"Residual, Mr. President"
"Oh right...residual effects from this storm." "Damn...that sure doesn't look like residual. Looks more like some Rumanian word or sumpin', know what I mean?"
Former Senator John Kerry said if the President wanted to truly make an impact, he should swiftly boat out into NO harbor and put a stop to this nonsense.
Al Gore was asked what his theory on the cause was, and he said, "You seen that vendor around here? The one with that silver stand? He makes the most aaaaaawsome cheeseburgers. Why I had 7 of them for lunch on my private plane. Mmmmmmm.....mmmmmm. They were good. What was your question again?"
In a disappointing show of partisan politics, Senator Barack Obama will not be raising his hands and calming the raging seas, saying in part, "I don't do that gig any more. Making the blind guy see wore my ass out."
President Bush said earlier today, "We're hopeful for less resdiucjisdal...redujidal...what's that word Bob?"
"Residual, Mr. President"
"Oh right...residual effects from this storm." "Damn...that sure doesn't look like residual. Looks more like some Rumanian word or sumpin', know what I mean?"
Former Senator John Kerry said if the President wanted to truly make an impact, he should swiftly boat out into NO harbor and put a stop to this nonsense.
Al Gore was asked what his theory on the cause was, and he said, "You seen that vendor around here? The one with that silver stand? He makes the most aaaaaawsome cheeseburgers. Why I had 7 of them for lunch on my private plane. Mmmmmmm.....mmmmmm. They were good. What was your question again?"
Gustav and Hanna
Current tracking is in for Hurricane Gustav (Male). Track pictured below.
Pictured below is current tracking information for Hurricane Hanna (Female)
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Differences
Last week, Tropical Storm FAY entered Florida...exited Florida...entered again...exited again...entered again...exited again...and finally entered for a fourth excruciating time.
Meteorologists - a strange term, wouldn't you say? Why don't they focus on meteors instead of heat waves and thunderstorms? - well, anyway, meteorologists have given 3,765 reasons for TS FAY being so capricious and ultimately destructive, none of which match up with the JL4 Basis Of Offbeat Biometric Storming, also known by its acronym BOOBS.
Let me give you a quick refresher course. In the now-famous summer of 2004, when Florida was lashed with 4 hurricanes, the first of these, CHARLIE roared through just south of Tampa, and made a North by Northeast beeline for an exit just south of Jacksonville. CHARLIE was unfortunately deadly and destructive, but he knew what he wanted and simply got down to doing it. The fourth storm of that year, IVAN, hit the panhandle in much the same manner as CHARLIE. The problem storms that year were FRANCES and JEAN. FRANCES, obviously a prelude to 2008's FAY, was supposed to be a piss-ant storm that did no harm.
But noooooooooooooooooo, as John Belushi would say. Not this FRANCES chick.
She overstayed her welcome by nearly 132 hours, bringing on flooding of epic proportions. Hurricane JEAN was scheduled to miss everything in the country, a storm destined to die harmlessly in the northern Atlantic. Instead, JEAN circled up, circled west, circled east, pinwheeled south, jogged north again, spun, put her left leg in...pulled her left leg out...did the hokey pokey cuz that was what it was all about...and then slammed mercilessly in into and across Central Florida, bashing the crap out of Orlando and it's surrounding cities for the 3rd time in 48 days.
Lastly, the JL4 BOOBS theory talks about KATRINA. A simplistic storm that hit south Florida with a whimper and a pout...then changed her mind and became the bitch from hell, terrorizing New Orleans as well as the Mississippi and Alabama coast lines.
Do you see the connection now? You don't?
Male storms...much as their human male counterparts while shopping at Target, get in...make a mad dash for their objective...seize it (even though a better deal in 2 inches away)...then race to get out of the store, as if being chased by a crazy clerk with a taser. (see CHARLIE and IVAN)
Female storms....quite the opposite. Take FRANCES, for example. FRANCES entered through the east coast of Florida, saw an awesome sale at Bloomingdales, stayed around for a couple extra days. When she arrived in Central Florida - specifically yuppie-strewn Winter Park - she knew it was time to have her nails done, while of course all the rain she was producing was making her hair "flat", so she needed a full perm too. After 5 grueling days, she exited by the panhandle, arms overfull with designer bags and more pairs of shoes than a man could ever use in 27 lifetimes.
As for JEAN? Ha! A navigational catastrophe, highlighted by the PMS (Post Monster Storm) rant to her spouse, "I was happy being a tropical depression, but y-y-y-y-y-ou wanted me to become a damn hurricane, you bastard! And now I'm lost because of YOU!!!!!!"
You see folks, all the meteorological - or even cometorlogical or heavenlyorlogical bodiesorlogical experts in the world - cannot derive the simplest of explanations, such as I have in my BOOBS theory. Tell me I'm mistaken, I'll talk of KATRINA. Tell me I'm crazy, and I'll cite the prepared awesomeness and mission-focused attitude of CHARLIE. It's as simple as that.
As further evidence of the BOOBS theory, look at current storm, Hurricane GUSTAV. He is making a direct and spirited run to the Gulf of Mexico....no screwing around....no squeezing the fruits in the Haitian produce section...straight to the Heavy Whipping Cream that his wife sent him to get, regardless of what the hell heavy whipping cream is and what its used for. GUSTAV could care less. And flat hair doesn't bother him either.
In theory, it's high pressure zones, warm water, and whatever else that causes the differences experienced from one storm to the next. I - for one anyways - say all that stuff is double talk.
It's BOOBS, plain and simple.
Meteorologists - a strange term, wouldn't you say? Why don't they focus on meteors instead of heat waves and thunderstorms? - well, anyway, meteorologists have given 3,765 reasons for TS FAY being so capricious and ultimately destructive, none of which match up with the JL4 Basis Of Offbeat Biometric Storming, also known by its acronym BOOBS.
Let me give you a quick refresher course. In the now-famous summer of 2004, when Florida was lashed with 4 hurricanes, the first of these, CHARLIE roared through just south of Tampa, and made a North by Northeast beeline for an exit just south of Jacksonville. CHARLIE was unfortunately deadly and destructive, but he knew what he wanted and simply got down to doing it. The fourth storm of that year, IVAN, hit the panhandle in much the same manner as CHARLIE. The problem storms that year were FRANCES and JEAN. FRANCES, obviously a prelude to 2008's FAY, was supposed to be a piss-ant storm that did no harm.
But noooooooooooooooooo, as John Belushi would say. Not this FRANCES chick.
She overstayed her welcome by nearly 132 hours, bringing on flooding of epic proportions. Hurricane JEAN was scheduled to miss everything in the country, a storm destined to die harmlessly in the northern Atlantic. Instead, JEAN circled up, circled west, circled east, pinwheeled south, jogged north again, spun, put her left leg in...pulled her left leg out...did the hokey pokey cuz that was what it was all about...and then slammed mercilessly in into and across Central Florida, bashing the crap out of Orlando and it's surrounding cities for the 3rd time in 48 days.
Lastly, the JL4 BOOBS theory talks about KATRINA. A simplistic storm that hit south Florida with a whimper and a pout...then changed her mind and became the bitch from hell, terrorizing New Orleans as well as the Mississippi and Alabama coast lines.
Do you see the connection now? You don't?
Male storms...much as their human male counterparts while shopping at Target, get in...make a mad dash for their objective...seize it (even though a better deal in 2 inches away)...then race to get out of the store, as if being chased by a crazy clerk with a taser. (see CHARLIE and IVAN)
Female storms....quite the opposite. Take FRANCES, for example. FRANCES entered through the east coast of Florida, saw an awesome sale at Bloomingdales, stayed around for a couple extra days. When she arrived in Central Florida - specifically yuppie-strewn Winter Park - she knew it was time to have her nails done, while of course all the rain she was producing was making her hair "flat", so she needed a full perm too. After 5 grueling days, she exited by the panhandle, arms overfull with designer bags and more pairs of shoes than a man could ever use in 27 lifetimes.
As for JEAN? Ha! A navigational catastrophe, highlighted by the PMS (Post Monster Storm) rant to her spouse, "I was happy being a tropical depression, but y-y-y-y-y-ou wanted me to become a damn hurricane, you bastard! And now I'm lost because of YOU!!!!!!"
You see folks, all the meteorological - or even cometorlogical or heavenlyorlogical bodiesorlogical experts in the world - cannot derive the simplest of explanations, such as I have in my BOOBS theory. Tell me I'm mistaken, I'll talk of KATRINA. Tell me I'm crazy, and I'll cite the prepared awesomeness and mission-focused attitude of CHARLIE. It's as simple as that.
As further evidence of the BOOBS theory, look at current storm, Hurricane GUSTAV. He is making a direct and spirited run to the Gulf of Mexico....no screwing around....no squeezing the fruits in the Haitian produce section...straight to the Heavy Whipping Cream that his wife sent him to get, regardless of what the hell heavy whipping cream is and what its used for. GUSTAV could care less. And flat hair doesn't bother him either.
In theory, it's high pressure zones, warm water, and whatever else that causes the differences experienced from one storm to the next. I - for one anyways - say all that stuff is double talk.
It's BOOBS, plain and simple.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Searching in vain
Casey Anthony is out of jail.
Media slut and money concubine Leonard Padilla has freed her under the insane premise he can get her to talk. It's been 5 days, and nothing - absolutely nothing - has changed.
Some seriously creepy dude named Larry Garrison (see John Mark Carr) is the appointed family spokesperson. This makes sense, since the grandparents (especially Cindy the grandmother) have made one outrageous accusation, theory, or out-and-out lie, after another, and the time had come for the family to shut their white-trash mouths.
Casey Anthony's lawyer, Jose Baez of Orlando, was quoted on "On the record", hosted by Greta Van Susteren, as saying his main responsibility going forward is to prepare for his clients defense, prep her for not communicating with anyone in the home, and other things of note. To her credit, Van Susteren confronted him with his answer, noting that he said nothing of finding the child. He quickly backtracked and said that's what he meant by "other things of note." Uh-huh. Sure. Even if it was a mere oversight on his part, why was it the 3rd thing mentioned, when everyone on the side of mother Casey says the whole idea of bailing her out was to find the child, first and foremost?
Currently, the family is operating under the premise that 3 year old Caylee was "kidnapped", even though there has been no ransom note, no evidentiary information that would even remotely indicate an abduction, and no one - not one single person - has come forth to claim the $225,000 reward for information leading to the discovery of the doe-eyed little girl.
There have been cadaver dogs from 2 different counties "alerting" to the same places in the backyard of the Anthony's home as well as the mother Casey's automobile. There is mobile phone evidence the mother was in a remote swamp near the Orlando International Airport on or about the days investigators have identified as "periods of extreme interest." The grandmother herself stated Casey's car smelled like "a dead damn body" in a 9-1-1 call, but later recanted that by insisting the smell was a Domino's Pizza Meatza's pizza, discounting her 9-1-1 call about the smell of death by saying she "was obviously mistaken due to her stress at the time." Grandma Cindy also said in sworn testimony in court that she last saw her granddaughter June 9th 2008, even though it has subsequently been determined that grandma was the person who filmed her granddaughter on June 15th during a great grandfather visit. Again in this case, grandma developed a case of amnesia and couldn't remember the filming or even if she and her granddaughter had visited great grandpa on the 15th. There are more lies and inconsistencies coming out of the mouths of the Anthony family, it's nearly as impossible to keep up with the nontruths as it is to keep up with the actual truth, which is that a precious 3 year old is and has been missing for over 2 months, and the mother has not provided one single bit of information of which authorities can use to locate the little girl. Even the most simplistic information - how Casey chose the attorney she did - is shrouded in mystery and more lies. She told family members she chose him from talking to prisoners in the initial day of jail while she was in the general population. Problem is, she was never in the general population. In other words, even information not specific to the case in any manner, is lied about. The biological father of the missing girl is also a web of lies and deceit. Grandma Cindy says he lives out of state; Casey says he was a young man named Jesus Ortiz who died in a car accident on his way to Caylee's birthday party. The dates of Mr. Ortiz' death do not coincide with Caylee's birthdate; statements from friends say "no way" to Jesus being the father; and a close inspection of the girl's features show no Hispanic lineage at all. Who is the father? No one will tell the truth here, either, and no name exists on the Birth Cert.
Lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Anything and everything that has come out of the mouths of anyone named Anthony in the past 5 weeks has proven to be empirically untrue. Amazing...simply amazing. And yet the family, the attorney, and the creepazoid spokesperson insist this "kidnapping" has occurred, despite incredibly overwhelming circumstances to the contrary.
Far be it for me to be presumptuous and say that Casey murdered her offspring, so here are some suggestions to start the as yet unstarted ball rolling towards finding the child.
Let's say Caylee and her "kidnappers" are...?
1) On a flight to Augusta Maine?
2) At Disney?
3) With her as yet unidentified biological father?
4) At the North Pole visiting Santa Claus?
5) In Yellowstone park?
6) On the blue line subway in Boston?
7) At a Braves game in Atlanta?
8) In a swamp near the airport?
9) At Zenaida Fernandez-Gonzales' house?
10) At the San Diego zoo?
11) Climbing a redwood in Northern California?
12) At one of the 12 still-open Starbucks in Seattle?
13) With Joran Van Der Sloot in Aruba?
14) In a swamp near the airport?
15.) Touring with the Rolling Stones?
16.) In Green Bay Wisconsin trying out for quarterback?
17) In Bejing as part of the closing ceremonies?
18) In a swamp near the airport?
19) With Osama Bin Laden?
20) White water rafting the Colorado River?
21) Flying in an Air Force "Hurricane Hunter" plane?
22) In a swamp near the airport?
23) Prepping in Hollywood for her made-for-TV-movie?
24) In Denver, as keynote speaker of the DNC?
25) In a swamp near the airport?
As you can clearly see, this child could be in any of 10,000,000 places. The authorities and the general public would like nothing more than to find the kid. But it has to start with the mother opening up and stating some things that are called facts. It also will entail the grandparents demanding answers from their daughter, instead of appearing on CNN or FOX to spit out their hogwash about the authorities not chasing down the family's unsubstantiated leads and fantasy world theories.
Facts. We know what those are. Evidently on a small street in East Orlando Florida, there are a half dozen or so people who don't, and we all suffer because of that.
Media slut and money concubine Leonard Padilla has freed her under the insane premise he can get her to talk. It's been 5 days, and nothing - absolutely nothing - has changed.
Some seriously creepy dude named Larry Garrison (see John Mark Carr) is the appointed family spokesperson. This makes sense, since the grandparents (especially Cindy the grandmother) have made one outrageous accusation, theory, or out-and-out lie, after another, and the time had come for the family to shut their white-trash mouths.
Casey Anthony's lawyer, Jose Baez of Orlando, was quoted on "On the record", hosted by Greta Van Susteren, as saying his main responsibility going forward is to prepare for his clients defense, prep her for not communicating with anyone in the home, and other things of note. To her credit, Van Susteren confronted him with his answer, noting that he said nothing of finding the child. He quickly backtracked and said that's what he meant by "other things of note." Uh-huh. Sure. Even if it was a mere oversight on his part, why was it the 3rd thing mentioned, when everyone on the side of mother Casey says the whole idea of bailing her out was to find the child, first and foremost?
Currently, the family is operating under the premise that 3 year old Caylee was "kidnapped", even though there has been no ransom note, no evidentiary information that would even remotely indicate an abduction, and no one - not one single person - has come forth to claim the $225,000 reward for information leading to the discovery of the doe-eyed little girl.
There have been cadaver dogs from 2 different counties "alerting" to the same places in the backyard of the Anthony's home as well as the mother Casey's automobile. There is mobile phone evidence the mother was in a remote swamp near the Orlando International Airport on or about the days investigators have identified as "periods of extreme interest." The grandmother herself stated Casey's car smelled like "a dead damn body" in a 9-1-1 call, but later recanted that by insisting the smell was a Domino's Pizza Meatza's pizza, discounting her 9-1-1 call about the smell of death by saying she "was obviously mistaken due to her stress at the time." Grandma Cindy also said in sworn testimony in court that she last saw her granddaughter June 9th 2008, even though it has subsequently been determined that grandma was the person who filmed her granddaughter on June 15th during a great grandfather visit. Again in this case, grandma developed a case of amnesia and couldn't remember the filming or even if she and her granddaughter had visited great grandpa on the 15th. There are more lies and inconsistencies coming out of the mouths of the Anthony family, it's nearly as impossible to keep up with the nontruths as it is to keep up with the actual truth, which is that a precious 3 year old is and has been missing for over 2 months, and the mother has not provided one single bit of information of which authorities can use to locate the little girl. Even the most simplistic information - how Casey chose the attorney she did - is shrouded in mystery and more lies. She told family members she chose him from talking to prisoners in the initial day of jail while she was in the general population. Problem is, she was never in the general population. In other words, even information not specific to the case in any manner, is lied about. The biological father of the missing girl is also a web of lies and deceit. Grandma Cindy says he lives out of state; Casey says he was a young man named Jesus Ortiz who died in a car accident on his way to Caylee's birthday party. The dates of Mr. Ortiz' death do not coincide with Caylee's birthdate; statements from friends say "no way" to Jesus being the father; and a close inspection of the girl's features show no Hispanic lineage at all. Who is the father? No one will tell the truth here, either, and no name exists on the Birth Cert.
Lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Anything and everything that has come out of the mouths of anyone named Anthony in the past 5 weeks has proven to be empirically untrue. Amazing...simply amazing. And yet the family, the attorney, and the creepazoid spokesperson insist this "kidnapping" has occurred, despite incredibly overwhelming circumstances to the contrary.
Far be it for me to be presumptuous and say that Casey murdered her offspring, so here are some suggestions to start the as yet unstarted ball rolling towards finding the child.
Let's say Caylee and her "kidnappers" are...?
1) On a flight to Augusta Maine?
2) At Disney?
3) With her as yet unidentified biological father?
4) At the North Pole visiting Santa Claus?
5) In Yellowstone park?
6) On the blue line subway in Boston?
7) At a Braves game in Atlanta?
8) In a swamp near the airport?
9) At Zenaida Fernandez-Gonzales' house?
10) At the San Diego zoo?
11) Climbing a redwood in Northern California?
12) At one of the 12 still-open Starbucks in Seattle?
13) With Joran Van Der Sloot in Aruba?
14) In a swamp near the airport?
15.) Touring with the Rolling Stones?
16.) In Green Bay Wisconsin trying out for quarterback?
17) In Bejing as part of the closing ceremonies?
18) In a swamp near the airport?
19) With Osama Bin Laden?
20) White water rafting the Colorado River?
21) Flying in an Air Force "Hurricane Hunter" plane?
22) In a swamp near the airport?
23) Prepping in Hollywood for her made-for-TV-movie?
24) In Denver, as keynote speaker of the DNC?
25) In a swamp near the airport?
As you can clearly see, this child could be in any of 10,000,000 places. The authorities and the general public would like nothing more than to find the kid. But it has to start with the mother opening up and stating some things that are called facts. It also will entail the grandparents demanding answers from their daughter, instead of appearing on CNN or FOX to spit out their hogwash about the authorities not chasing down the family's unsubstantiated leads and fantasy world theories.
Facts. We know what those are. Evidently on a small street in East Orlando Florida, there are a half dozen or so people who don't, and we all suffer because of that.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
TS Fay
New Warnings, Watches For Fay
Tropical Storm FAY is expected to hit Florida early Tuesday, which could bring on school cancellations for Monday thru Wednesday, which is the opening week of studies. JL4 news' investigative journalists have uncovered the fact that ten's of students will be upset at missing the first 3 days of the school year.
"No shit, really?", said 2nd grader Ashli Tompson of Bithlo, Florida. "That's fucking awesome", said 4th grader Nick Miller of Orlando.
Governor Charlie Crist, who's brother, Jesus Crist, works for the National Weather Service, declared Florida to be in an official state of emergency early this morning. In a statement from the statehouse steps in Tallahassee (a seminole indian word meaning: three t-shirts, 10 dollah) Governor Crist calmly gave his warning to west coast residents by saying, in part:
"Get the hell outta there before you all get killed! This is the real deal, a complete no shit sherlock situation! Pack up the kids and the dogs, and get going now!"
He then asked everyone to remain calm and keep their radio's tuned for more information.
Tropical Storm FAY is expected to hit Florida early Tuesday, which could bring on school cancellations for Monday thru Wednesday, which is the opening week of studies. JL4 news' investigative journalists have uncovered the fact that ten's of students will be upset at missing the first 3 days of the school year.
"No shit, really?", said 2nd grader Ashli Tompson of Bithlo, Florida. "That's fucking awesome", said 4th grader Nick Miller of Orlando.
Governor Charlie Crist, who's brother, Jesus Crist, works for the National Weather Service, declared Florida to be in an official state of emergency early this morning. In a statement from the statehouse steps in Tallahassee (a seminole indian word meaning: three t-shirts, 10 dollah) Governor Crist calmly gave his warning to west coast residents by saying, in part:
"Get the hell outta there before you all get killed! This is the real deal, a complete no shit sherlock situation! Pack up the kids and the dogs, and get going now!"
He then asked everyone to remain calm and keep their radio's tuned for more information.
TS Fay
The latest cones of probability for soon-to-be hurricane FAY have been released by the National Weather Service. Jim Cantore of the weather channel predicts the storm will be "stronger than 1 hour after you serve a husband chilli dogs", which has caused panic and mayhem in the streets of Yahoobajoo, Florida. Yahoobajoo, the southernmost city of Redneck Junction County, is under an emergency evacuation notice, but none of the residents fled until the word "evacuation" was subsequently re-worded to state, "Gitchee goin".
CONE OF PROBABILITY #1 (EXACT SCIENCE)
CONE OF PROBABILITY #2
(A MARGINAL GUESS)
CONE OF PROBABILITY #1 (EXACT SCIENCE)
CONE OF PROBABILITY #2
(A MARGINAL GUESS)
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Here she comes
Honestly....we've been waiting four years for you.
From JL4 News:
Tropical Storm FAY will soon become a hurricane, and like all the scorned liberal women who preceded her, she will make a beeline for Florida, bringing death, destruction, and broken lives and homes with her.
The cone of probability (pictured) has the hurricane entering Florida in an illegal immigrant suburb south of Tampa, running through several gang-banger controlled areas of Orlando, and finally exiting through the "Port of Cocaine" in Jacksonville.
Fay, who started out as a tropical wave then developed into a full-flegged standing ovation, is the 2nd named storm of the year. Previously, tropical storm Herbert got a face full of pimples and eventually became a depression, fizzling out faster than a guy named Eugene at the sophomore dance.
Stay tuned for updates on the storm, as well as an hour-long special on the missing Caylee Anthony case: "Crimes, Lies, and Grandparents...missing children and circumstantial Alzheimer's, a new American phenomenon."
Monday, August 04, 2008
The Invisible Woman
The Orange County (FLA) Sheriff's Department has released composite sketches of the mysterious invisible woman, alleged nanny Zenaida Fernandez-Gonzales. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of this person - real or imagined - call the Florida Tips Line at 1-800-Mom-Lies.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
10 years ago. How could I have been such an idiot?
Boy, we sure were stupid 10 years ago, weren't we? I struggled with "Naive" and "Stupid', and I finally decided the latter had more impact. Al Quaeda simultaneously bombed 3 African embassies, and our administration lobbed a couple of loose Cruise Missiles.
Problem solved, right?
A kid from Plano Texas was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He survived a germ cell tumor that metastasized to his brain and lungs, in 1996. His cancer treatments included brain and testicular surgery and extensive chemotherapy, and his prognosis was originally poor. Prior to the cancer, he was an unknown professional cyclist ranked 47th in the world. Unknown because in the U.S., no one did, or does now, give a rats-ass about cycling. Europeans do...not us. But suddenly this mediocre competitor nearly dies, and the end result is in 1998 he begins his quest to become the greatest cyclist ever.
And we never once then....nor do we now question...how a man could lose a ball, lose dozens of pounds of muscular tissue, go through the rigors of chemo and radiation, then somehow magically not only increase his international standing 48 places to number 1...he increased it even further by becoming the greatest cyclist ever. Europeans, not only enamored with the sport, but keenly aware of its decades-long history of being the dope and chemical sports factory of the universe, cried "foul" again and again. We here in America heralded him and said little pithy things like, "Hey. He has some really neat yellow wrist-bands."
And then it happened. Baseball - very American and not even the slightest European - found a couple of guys: Mark "I'm not here to talk about the past" McGuire, and Sammy "Sorry. I no speakee dee Englee" Sosa to awake the sleeping hoards unhappy since the labor strike and subsequent cancelled World Series of 1994. We watched in blissful obliviousness a home-run race that turned out in retrospect to make the Black Sox scandal of 1918 akin to your 5th grader leaning over to cheat off her neighbor on a spelling test in comparison. Although never tested, these two gentlemen McGuire (70 home runs) and Sosa (66 home runs) put on a chemically-induced show that took us 7 years to fully understand. In the 2005 Congressional hearings, both Sosa and McGuire forever put themselves in a box that they will find almost impossible to extricate themselves from during future Hall of Fame induction ballots.
These two who seemingly took baseball a notch forward ultimately turned out to take the game backwards 10 steps. Will anyone ever forget those hearings, with Sosa suddenly unable to speak or understand English? An English that sounded just fine when he was making those million dollar Pepsi commercials, by the way. Then there was the upstanding Mr. McGuire, who stated to congressmen repeatedly, "I'm not here to talk about the past," which interestingly enough, was the friggin point of the whole inquiry...to talk about the damn past so we could fix the future!
So we continue to wear our "Livestrong" bracelets, deny the implications - if not the whole act - of 9-11, marvel at the feats of swimmers, football players, runners, and baseball players, the whole while acting as if we didn't see another runner, high-jumper, or diver banned from the upcoming China Olympics because of a positive doping incident, some of them sadly - American athletes.
Well...not me. I can no longer claim my innocence as an excuse. I refuse to acknowledge the 1996-2000 four-time Yankees World Series Championships, when I see in the Mitchell Report 78% of the Yankees roster in those years was implicated in the steroids investigation. You won't find me looking at an amazing athletic feat ever again, without wanting to stand there with a specimen bottle in my hand, saying: "That was awesome, Mr. Ramirez. Now, can I get you to pee in this for me?"
Nope. Not me. You may have fooled me in 1998, but in 2008 I'm a lot smarter than I once was. And it was you athletes who made me that way. So you can continue to Livestrong if you want to.
You're not kidding me.
Problem solved, right?
A kid from Plano Texas was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He survived a germ cell tumor that metastasized to his brain and lungs, in 1996. His cancer treatments included brain and testicular surgery and extensive chemotherapy, and his prognosis was originally poor. Prior to the cancer, he was an unknown professional cyclist ranked 47th in the world. Unknown because in the U.S., no one did, or does now, give a rats-ass about cycling. Europeans do...not us. But suddenly this mediocre competitor nearly dies, and the end result is in 1998 he begins his quest to become the greatest cyclist ever.
And we never once then....nor do we now question...how a man could lose a ball, lose dozens of pounds of muscular tissue, go through the rigors of chemo and radiation, then somehow magically not only increase his international standing 48 places to number 1...he increased it even further by becoming the greatest cyclist ever. Europeans, not only enamored with the sport, but keenly aware of its decades-long history of being the dope and chemical sports factory of the universe, cried "foul" again and again. We here in America heralded him and said little pithy things like, "Hey. He has some really neat yellow wrist-bands."
And then it happened. Baseball - very American and not even the slightest European - found a couple of guys: Mark "I'm not here to talk about the past" McGuire, and Sammy "Sorry. I no speakee dee Englee" Sosa to awake the sleeping hoards unhappy since the labor strike and subsequent cancelled World Series of 1994. We watched in blissful obliviousness a home-run race that turned out in retrospect to make the Black Sox scandal of 1918 akin to your 5th grader leaning over to cheat off her neighbor on a spelling test in comparison. Although never tested, these two gentlemen McGuire (70 home runs) and Sosa (66 home runs) put on a chemically-induced show that took us 7 years to fully understand. In the 2005 Congressional hearings, both Sosa and McGuire forever put themselves in a box that they will find almost impossible to extricate themselves from during future Hall of Fame induction ballots.
These two who seemingly took baseball a notch forward ultimately turned out to take the game backwards 10 steps. Will anyone ever forget those hearings, with Sosa suddenly unable to speak or understand English? An English that sounded just fine when he was making those million dollar Pepsi commercials, by the way. Then there was the upstanding Mr. McGuire, who stated to congressmen repeatedly, "I'm not here to talk about the past," which interestingly enough, was the friggin point of the whole inquiry...to talk about the damn past so we could fix the future!
So we continue to wear our "Livestrong" bracelets, deny the implications - if not the whole act - of 9-11, marvel at the feats of swimmers, football players, runners, and baseball players, the whole while acting as if we didn't see another runner, high-jumper, or diver banned from the upcoming China Olympics because of a positive doping incident, some of them sadly - American athletes.
Well...not me. I can no longer claim my innocence as an excuse. I refuse to acknowledge the 1996-2000 four-time Yankees World Series Championships, when I see in the Mitchell Report 78% of the Yankees roster in those years was implicated in the steroids investigation. You won't find me looking at an amazing athletic feat ever again, without wanting to stand there with a specimen bottle in my hand, saying: "That was awesome, Mr. Ramirez. Now, can I get you to pee in this for me?"
Nope. Not me. You may have fooled me in 1998, but in 2008 I'm a lot smarter than I once was. And it was you athletes who made me that way. So you can continue to Livestrong if you want to.
You're not kidding me.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
A rose, if by any other color...
Yesterday, in High Ridge Missouri (Emphasis on the word "high"), a woman named Kelly Ramey had a serious case of the munchies when she noticed she damn near chowed down on Jesus.This is reminiscent of the time I saw a miniature John the Baptist in my Crystal burger. In any event, the story continues....
A couple of years ago, a Youth Director for a Methodist Church in Texas named Steve Cragg spotted Jesus giving his sermon on the mount (next image). His youth group nicknamed him "Cheezus".
Personally, I kinda think number two looks like this guy, pictured below. "Cheezuz, Mary and Joseph, the Rise of the Silver Carpenter", is going to be released by Touchstone Pictures in early December.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
...and then there is the other thing.
There are several categories of lies, each with their own level of deceit and appropriate punishment. For the purposes of this post, we will not be covering lies that are of a felonious nature. We'll skip the obvious ones like whether or not you killed your ex-wife and a waiter, as well as the $118,000.00 ransom note that mom couldn't seem to get past the handwriting analysts. Yeah, yeah, yeah....DNA or whatever. She shit the bed on the handwriting analysis...plain and simple. In any event, those lies carry grave consequences, and we don't need to discuss them. What I'm talking about are the following:
The Self-Preservation Lie: This is when your kid tells you he doesn't know how the $3000 plasma TV got that hole in it...even though you can clearly see the baseball embedded. "Honest to goodness officer, my cruise control was set precisely on 55 mph". Or even, "Yes I smoked it...but I never inhaled it." The Self-Preservation Lie.
The Pin-Prick Lie: This is the lie that stings for a short while, but goes away quickly and causes no harm. "Read my lips: No new Taxes". "If elected, I will create 4 million new jobs a year and balance the budget". "Did I see a $20 bill on the counter? Nope, sure didn't honey." The Pin-Prick Lie.
The Character Flaw Lie: This is the bad one. This is the lie that forever makes everyone around you distrustful and sometimes even despised. These lies are galactically stupid as well, for in today's day and age, a few keystrokes on a PC, and you can find out anything to prove or disprove a spoken or written statement. I once had a friend for years who told me he played football at Penn State. Later on, I discovered he didn't even go to Penn State, and that he played intramural flag football at a pip-squeak college in Georgia.
I was in the Army for 21 years. Fact. I was in combat. Fact. I won the Medal of Honor. Ummmm, no. By telling a Medal Of Honor lie, not only would it be easily refuted through the Internet, I also would have degraded every single person who ever gave their all (and most are awarded posthumously, for the record) to win that award. In other words, I would have told you a character flaw lie, one in which if caught, I could never live down or be looked at by you in the same light again. Ever again. Ever. Thus, The Character Flaw Lie.
Do with the following what you may...I'm just the presenter. The following statements were publicly made by a certain Presidential candidate, all easily proven. All Character Flaw Lies.
"My father was a goat herder." Lie. His father was a well educated man, from a well-to-do family, who worked for the Kenyan Government.
"My Uncle participated in the U.S. liberation of Auschwitz Death Camp." Lie. Auschwitz is in Poland, and US troops never entered Poland. The Russians liberated Auschwitz.
"My grandmother has always been a Christian." Lie. His grandmother - through her own newspaper interviews, said 'I am a strong believer in the Islamic faith.' Not to mention the fact that she was one of 14 wives his father had...which I do believe Christianity frowns upon. I could be wrong though. They might be totally into orgies and shit like that.
"My name is African Swahili." Lie. Barack is Arabic, as is Hussein and Obama.
"I never practiced Islam." Debatable, but when he was in the Islamic school, he damn sure had to fake it at the very least. Still has lie written all over it.
"My school in Indonesia was Christian." Lie. It was a Muslim school, he was registered in the school as a Muslim, and he got into trouble during Koran studies for making faces. The source of this? His own book.
"Because I lived in Indonesia, I have foreign experience." Ahem! We are looking for adult foreign experience, not the memories of ages 6-10. Not a lie, but certainly some serious bullshit.
"An Ebony article moved me to run for office." Lie. Sources at Ebony have not yet been able to identify the article of which he speaks...because it doesn't exist.
"A Life magazine article changed my life." Again, same story...different magazine. Lie. Life (Time/Life publishing) cannot confirm the legitimacy of this statement either. Why? They know not of the article of which he speaks. (Is there a magazine patern here? I'm just askin')
"I was a professor of Law." Lie. He was a senior (grade level) editor and lecturer of the Harvard Law Review, not a full professor.
"Without me, there would be no ethics bill." Lie. He never chaired, participated in, presented, edited, or influenced change, in the Ethics Bill.
"The July 2008 Banking bill was passed by my committee." Lie. It wasn't HIS committee. As a matter of fact, he wasn't even on the banking committee.
"I have released my state records for public review." Lie. As of July 2008, his record of voting in Illinois has not been released publicly or privately.
"My economics bill will change America." Lie. He wrote an economics bill that had 111 provisions in it, and it was voted down 99-0. He voted against it as well. That's right. I didn't mis-type. He voted against his own bill. I have no idea. Why don't you ask him?
"I am not acting as President, yet. Lie. See 'European tour'.
"I didn't visit the wounded soldiers in Germany because I thought it inappropriate to do so." (My call on this one, and I say LIE). You don't like, respect, or even look at soldiers as anything but beneath you, and you know that's the damn truth too.
"I want all the votes to count." Lie. You wanted the delegates votes, not the people's votes. That's how you beat Senator Clinton. She actually kicked your ass, but you got it handed to you by the 'Super-Delegates.'
"I passed 900 bills in the Illinois State Senate." Lie. He passed 26, 19 of which were handed down to him by a fellow Senator. He wrote but 7 himself.
"My campaign never took root in MySpace." Lie. MySpace had a disclaimer against your ads for nearly 4 months.
"I never said the surge wouldn't work. I merely stated that I doubted it." Lie. He said - directly and pointedly - the surge will not work.
"It's true I sat nearly every Sunday for 20 years in that church, but I had no idea the Reverend was as anti-white, anti-Jew, and anti-American as he seems to be." Lie. Nothing further needed.
There are many, many, more character flaw lies, but my shoulders are screaming at me right now to stop typing. I can handle a little bullshit. I can handle a slight increase in taxes - even when promised it won't happen. I can even handle being a white male and therefore somehow personally responsible for every fucked up thing done to people of color and women in the last 250 years.
But I can't trust a character flaw liar. And neither should you, but do as you must. I certainly can't stop you.
Character Flaw. Flawed Character.
Danger Will Robinson....danger.
The Self-Preservation Lie: This is when your kid tells you he doesn't know how the $3000 plasma TV got that hole in it...even though you can clearly see the baseball embedded. "Honest to goodness officer, my cruise control was set precisely on 55 mph". Or even, "Yes I smoked it...but I never inhaled it." The Self-Preservation Lie.
The Pin-Prick Lie: This is the lie that stings for a short while, but goes away quickly and causes no harm. "Read my lips: No new Taxes". "If elected, I will create 4 million new jobs a year and balance the budget". "Did I see a $20 bill on the counter? Nope, sure didn't honey." The Pin-Prick Lie.
The Character Flaw Lie: This is the bad one. This is the lie that forever makes everyone around you distrustful and sometimes even despised. These lies are galactically stupid as well, for in today's day and age, a few keystrokes on a PC, and you can find out anything to prove or disprove a spoken or written statement. I once had a friend for years who told me he played football at Penn State. Later on, I discovered he didn't even go to Penn State, and that he played intramural flag football at a pip-squeak college in Georgia.
I was in the Army for 21 years. Fact. I was in combat. Fact. I won the Medal of Honor. Ummmm, no. By telling a Medal Of Honor lie, not only would it be easily refuted through the Internet, I also would have degraded every single person who ever gave their all (and most are awarded posthumously, for the record) to win that award. In other words, I would have told you a character flaw lie, one in which if caught, I could never live down or be looked at by you in the same light again. Ever again. Ever. Thus, The Character Flaw Lie.
Do with the following what you may...I'm just the presenter. The following statements were publicly made by a certain Presidential candidate, all easily proven. All Character Flaw Lies.
"My father was a goat herder." Lie. His father was a well educated man, from a well-to-do family, who worked for the Kenyan Government.
"My Uncle participated in the U.S. liberation of Auschwitz Death Camp." Lie. Auschwitz is in Poland, and US troops never entered Poland. The Russians liberated Auschwitz.
"My grandmother has always been a Christian." Lie. His grandmother - through her own newspaper interviews, said 'I am a strong believer in the Islamic faith.' Not to mention the fact that she was one of 14 wives his father had...which I do believe Christianity frowns upon. I could be wrong though. They might be totally into orgies and shit like that.
"My name is African Swahili." Lie. Barack is Arabic, as is Hussein and Obama.
"I never practiced Islam." Debatable, but when he was in the Islamic school, he damn sure had to fake it at the very least. Still has lie written all over it.
"My school in Indonesia was Christian." Lie. It was a Muslim school, he was registered in the school as a Muslim, and he got into trouble during Koran studies for making faces. The source of this? His own book.
"Because I lived in Indonesia, I have foreign experience." Ahem! We are looking for adult foreign experience, not the memories of ages 6-10. Not a lie, but certainly some serious bullshit.
"An Ebony article moved me to run for office." Lie. Sources at Ebony have not yet been able to identify the article of which he speaks...because it doesn't exist.
"A Life magazine article changed my life." Again, same story...different magazine. Lie. Life (Time/Life publishing) cannot confirm the legitimacy of this statement either. Why? They know not of the article of which he speaks. (Is there a magazine patern here? I'm just askin')
"I was a professor of Law." Lie. He was a senior (grade level) editor and lecturer of the Harvard Law Review, not a full professor.
"Without me, there would be no ethics bill." Lie. He never chaired, participated in, presented, edited, or influenced change, in the Ethics Bill.
"The July 2008 Banking bill was passed by my committee." Lie. It wasn't HIS committee. As a matter of fact, he wasn't even on the banking committee.
"I have released my state records for public review." Lie. As of July 2008, his record of voting in Illinois has not been released publicly or privately.
"My economics bill will change America." Lie. He wrote an economics bill that had 111 provisions in it, and it was voted down 99-0. He voted against it as well. That's right. I didn't mis-type. He voted against his own bill. I have no idea. Why don't you ask him?
"I am not acting as President, yet. Lie. See 'European tour'.
"I didn't visit the wounded soldiers in Germany because I thought it inappropriate to do so." (My call on this one, and I say LIE). You don't like, respect, or even look at soldiers as anything but beneath you, and you know that's the damn truth too.
"I want all the votes to count." Lie. You wanted the delegates votes, not the people's votes. That's how you beat Senator Clinton. She actually kicked your ass, but you got it handed to you by the 'Super-Delegates.'
"I passed 900 bills in the Illinois State Senate." Lie. He passed 26, 19 of which were handed down to him by a fellow Senator. He wrote but 7 himself.
"My campaign never took root in MySpace." Lie. MySpace had a disclaimer against your ads for nearly 4 months.
"I never said the surge wouldn't work. I merely stated that I doubted it." Lie. He said - directly and pointedly - the surge will not work.
"It's true I sat nearly every Sunday for 20 years in that church, but I had no idea the Reverend was as anti-white, anti-Jew, and anti-American as he seems to be." Lie. Nothing further needed.
There are many, many, more character flaw lies, but my shoulders are screaming at me right now to stop typing. I can handle a little bullshit. I can handle a slight increase in taxes - even when promised it won't happen. I can even handle being a white male and therefore somehow personally responsible for every fucked up thing done to people of color and women in the last 250 years.
But I can't trust a character flaw liar. And neither should you, but do as you must. I certainly can't stop you.
Character Flaw. Flawed Character.
Danger Will Robinson....danger.
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