2007 in review

January - The President gave his State of the Union address in which he made it clear we as Americans need to strive harder to put food on our children. The Russian Soyuz 2 rocket, once declared space junk, breaks up and falls upon Denver...the city; not John. A bus bomb near the Sri Lanken town of Nittambuwa kills 5 and injures at least 30. The Sri Lankan government declares the Tamil Tigers responsible, but the rebel group denies involvement and points to the Detroit Tigers as the responsible party.

February - The French government bans cigarette smoking in all public places, but veto's the bill requiring women to shave and all citizens to brush their teeth and use deodorant. One policeman is killed and 71 injured in a Catania soccer riot, a feat compared to the daily filming of the "Jerry Springer Show". The Avian - or Bird Flu - kills everyone in England except Keith Richards.

March - J.K. Rowling announces one of the characters in Harry Potter is gay. Unbeknownst to most, the entire cast of the movie version came out as well. The Communist Party of China expels nine senior officials and business leaders over a corruption scandal related to misuse of Government pension funds. Apparently they were caught issuing condoms, and lord knows the last thing China needs is condoms, right?

April - Tiger Woods declares his net worth at $17,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00 and files for sovereign nation status. Two British soldiers are killed by Taliban insurgents in Pakistan. The Pakistani government declares that no Taliban even exist in their country, and the British soldiers had actually shot themselves 47 times each, then blew themselves up afterwards.

May - April showers failed to bring May flowers in California's Mojave desert for the 2,756th consecutive year. President Bush goes on record as saying, "My our goal to are educated the children." Paris Hilton angers PETA when she declares her dog out of fashion and has him executed by Michael Vick.

June - Al Gore's wife Tipper threatens to divorce him if he doesn't control his green-house gases better. "I can't even sleep it's so bad", the former almost-but-not-quite first lady declared. In Lebanon, Hizballah fighters declare victory over Michael Moore, who has been in the region filming his latest documentary: "All wars are kinda bad."

July - Aruban officials arrest Joran Vandersloot and the Kalpoe brothers for the eleventh time, then release them the next day stating a lack of evidence to hold them. D.B. Cooper is found in a Seattle Starbucks, wired for sound on 13 Super-frothy-double-mocha lattes. The African kingdom of Lesotho declares a food crisis due to U.N. report showing a "major food gap" for 20% of the population. Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell call for aid until they realize it's Lesotho, not Lesbotho.

August - Local TV stations throughout the country change their formats to allow for the weather to be reported every 18 seconds instead of the standard 14 times in a hour-long newscast. "People want up to date weather, and they don't want to be bothered with looking out the window or other inconveniences like that" said WSHT of Orlando programming head Herb Schminkelmeir. The Space Shuttle launch was delayed because of gnats on the windshield of the craft. War continues to rage onward in East Timor, with help not predicted in the near future. Tom Brokaw of NBC news was last seen "googling" it to find out exactly where it's located.

September - The New England Patriots are caught filming the NY Jets cheerleaders and putting them on youtube. The Commissioner of the NFL fines them $500,000.00, flags the video as inappropriate, and stamps their lunch cards "No desert". Michael Vick resigns from PETA due to "A conflict of interest." October complains that it is tired of always being behind September, and President Bush says "We is our goal to make sure all the...uuuuu....how do you say...uuuuuu....months...are happy with they position are the calendar."

October - After 49 years of avoiding it, Jl4 allows himself to turn 50 and notices nose and ear hair for the first time. The Boston Red Sox win the World Series for the second time in four years, prompting people all over New England to head for their local emergency room for skin irritation due to repeated pinching.

November - PETA protests the killing of Turkey's, saying we should find alternative sources to kill. Hmmmm....how about PETA people? Jehovah's Witnesses apologize for that "Silly end of the world thingy" and state they promise to stop knocking on doors for at least 90 days. Don Shula, former coach of The Miami Dolphins, says an asterisk (*) should be placed next to the Dolphins 2007 season because, "Well frankly, they really suck."

December - Appearing in court dressed in his customary red suit, Santa plead not guilty to racism, stemming from his comments "Ho, Ho, Ho." The Reverend (insert laugh or chuckle here) Al Sharpton and the Reverend (insert laugh or chuckle here) Jesse Jackson were pressing charges against Mr. Kringle for his "continued abusive use of the word 'Ho', and his unwillingness to change." Sen. George Mitchell issued his report on steroid abuse. In it, he named Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears, and Mt. Olive Dill Spears as the primary users of performance enhancing drugs. There is no evidence that any of the Spears' performances have been enhanced, but from the looks of it, certain body parts have been.

And that's it folks. Your year in review. Love it or leave it, this is the world we live in.

Peace.

Unclaimed U.S. Armerican Dollars

Hello to you out there, U.S. Americans in America. My name is Imbooto Hooto Mooto, and I am what you call a Nigerian what you call Dentist, and the minister of the what you call Bank, which in Nigerian is called Flooto. So I am Imbooto Hooto Mooto from the Flooto, and I have urgent news for you.

Your long lost what you call cousin, Amooto Bingbooto, has died tragically along with 473 others in a bus crash. Amooto Bingbooto has left you a great fortune in U.S. American dollars which what you say was is to be claimed from the Nigerian Flooto, or what you say bank. In order to claim the money for your family, you need simply to send me 200 to 400 U.S. American dollars to make for me what you say, paperwork to process the claim for the U.S. American dollars. So, mail to me the money today, and I will honor Amooto Bingbooto in your what you call name.

Imbooto Hooto Mooto
Minister of the Flooto
23 Nooto Cooto Plaza
Nigeria

MEME

What you see in the post preceding this is what is called a "MEME". Bloggers send them to and fro to each other to see what the others are all about. Kind of a neat idea, but I still had no earthly idea what "MEME" meant...

So I asked a few people, and one of them sent me this:

A meme (pronounced /ˈmiːm/), as defined within memetic theory , constitutes a theoretical unit of cultural information , the building block of cultural evolution or diffusion that propagates from one mind to another analogously to the way in which a gene propagates from one organism to another as a unit of genetic information and of biological evolution.[1] Multiple memes may propagate as cooperative groups called memeplexes (meme complexes).

Ohhhhhh, so now I get it.

A Meme is a transliterated exception the the biometric universal extrapolation of cogent thought interspersed with transient interbalanced counterintuitivness, as explained clearly in Niche's "Diatribe on the Metaphysical". Furthermore, it's simply a complex variety of nuances derived from symbiotic relationships between galactic entities, known as "Inumerables". These relationships have been known to faulter due to one being having no knowledge whatsoever how to get their point across to another.

Now, do I have to explain everything to you???? Jeesh !!!!

Life

I stole this from someone who probably stole this from someone who probably stole it from someone, who...well, you get the idea.

In any event, I liked it. So here goes the list of things done or not done in my life:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink Not everyone...but close
02. Swam with wild dolphins Nope
03. Climbed a mountain Yup...climbed "The Eagles Nest" (Hitlers hang out) in 1977
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive Nope...never even sat in one
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid Yes...oh yes...in 1993. Was in the Sphinx too. Went waaay down into the main burial crypt....where there is precious little oxygen.
06. Held a tarantula A dead one in West Texas 1989
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone Nope
08. Said "I love you" and meant it Of course
09. Hugged a tree Does hugging Al Gore count? Ummmm...not! He's too big to be a tree.
10. Bungee jumped Wow.....no
11. Visited Paris Yes, and it was dirty (1978)...Make that filthy!
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea Not at sea, no
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise Too many times (Retired Army)
14. Seen the Northern Lights Nope...would like that though
15. Gone to a huge sports game Kidding, right? Ummmmm yeah...Hello???
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa Nope
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables Yup...and they sucked
18. Touched an iceberg Huh?
19. Slept under the stars Hello?? Army guy...21 years? Uh Huh.
20. Changed a baby’s diaper Raised 3....changed thousands.
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon Sadly, no
22. Watched a meteor shower Yup
23. Gotten drunk on champagne Ummmm, yeah
24. Given more than you can afford to charity Given what I could aford...never more
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope Week and a half ago
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment At a funeral...can you imagine????
27. Had a food fight High school
28. Bet on a winning horse Yep...more on losers, though
29. Asked out a stranger Once....my advice? Don't
30. Had a snowball fight Grew up in Mass
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can I have kids....do you?
32. Held a lamb No
33. Seen a total eclipse Twice
34. Ridden a roller coaster Lame question...who hasn't?
35. Hit a home run 3. I was a slap hitter (singles and doubles for the most part)
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking Every time I dance
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day An entire day? Noooooo
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment Of course
39. Had two hard drives for your computer Ummmmm....no
40. Visited all 50 states Close...44
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk. Too many times
42. Had amazing friends Is there another kind?
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country Germany 1976-1979
44. Watched wild whales Nope
45. Stolen a sign Once in college...it was stupid, I know
46. Backpacked in Europe Does marching and training in the Army count?
47. Taken a road-trip Yeah, of course
48. Gone rock climbing Tried...failed miserably
49. Midnight walk on the beach Sure
50. Gone sky diving Once
51. Visited Ireland Parents did...not me
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love Once....
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them Yup
54. Visited Japan Nope
55. Milked a cow Nope
56. Alphabetized your CDs Too anal
57. Pretended to be a superhero 5th Amendment
58. Sung karaoke Too Cowardly
59. Lounged around in bed all day Yeah
60. Played touch football Of course
61. Gone scuba diving Nope
62. Kissed in the rain Yes
63. Played in the mud See #60, touch football
64. Played in the rain See #60, touch football
65. Gone to a drive-in theater Many times
66. Visited the Great Wall of China Alas...no
67. Started a business Nope
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken Yes
69. Toured ancient sites Egypt....North Africa...Middle East
70. Taken a martial arts class Not really
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight Never played it at all
72. Gotten married Yup
73. Been in a movie Nope
74. Crashed a party Lots of times
75. Gotten divorced Yup...once
76. Gone without food for 5 days Good Heavens...no
77. Made cookies from scratch Ha ha ha ha....me? Bake?
78. Won first prize in a costume contest Once...as a drag queen
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice Nope
80. Gotten a tattoo Regrettably
81. Rafted the Snake River Nope
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" Nope....not tv
83. Got flowers for no reason Given them for no reason
84. Performed on stage Yup...King & I and Camelot
85. Been to Las Vegas Twice
86. Recorded music My own voice? Twice
87. Eaten shark Yup
88. Kissed on the first date No one is supposed to kiss and tell
89. Gone to Thailand Nope
90. Bought a house 4
91. Been in a combat zone Yes, unfortunately
92. Buried one/both of your parents No...thankfully
93. Been on a cruise ship Thrice
94. Spoken more than one language fluently Arabic
95. Performed in Rocky Horror Nope...not gay
96. Raised children On-going
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour No...that's weird
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country Not really
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over Again....Army 21 years...yes
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge Driven several times
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking Every day
103. Had plastic surgery Nope....all original factory installed parts
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived I wouldn't say shouldn't have
105. Wrote articles for a large publication Wrote a book
106. Lost over 100 pounds Spent most of my life trying to gain weight
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback I don't think so
108. Piloted an airplane I'm a lousy driver...wouldn't recommend me flying
109. Touched a stingray Actually, yes. At the pool in Devil Rays Baseball Stadium
110. Broken someone’s heart I'm fairly certain (and saddened) that I have
111. Helped an animal give birth Is this for real??
112. Won money on a T.V. game show My best friend in H.S. won $32,000.00 on Press Your Luck
113. Broken a bone Never...ever. Amazing huh? All those years playing sports and in the Army? Never once
114. Gone on an African photo safari Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Nooooooo!
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears Pleeeeease....no
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol All
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild Hell no!
118. Ridden a horse Yep
119. Had major surgery Several times
120. Had a snake as a pet Nasty
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon Nope
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours Maybe....dunno
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states No
124. Visited all 7 continents Nope

That's all...there is more, but I'm worn out.

Peace

December 25th

So there I was, sound asleep last night/this morning, when I heard this thumping noise above me. I own a two story home, so I got up from the bed and went upstairs and check on the boys. My alarm clock with the large LED's said 1:30 am, and I was a little more than annoyed that I had to go and tell the two boys to be quiet and go to sleep.

When I went upstairs, all the lights were off and both boys were well asleep. Wondering aloud why I got out of bed for a stupid dream, I wandered back downstairs. As I was nearing the base of the staircase, I heard a series of loud bumps, then full-throated laughter. I ran back upstairs in the dark, hoping to catch them in their act. Turning on the lights in each room, the boys were still both asleep, and were in the same positions I had seen them in less than a minute before.

The neighbors' dog was barking his insane howl, and I was thoroughly pissed now as I crawled back into the warm, waiting bed. 1:33 am, and I was awake. Jeesh!

This morning, the boys awakened the wifey and I at around 8:15, and we all went out into the living room for the obligatory gift opening. There were an astounding number of gifts under and around the tree that weren't there last evening. Baseball bats; batting helmets; batting gloves; Red Sox World Series memorabilia, etc. As we all took turns opening our presents, my wife looked at me strangely. I asked her what was wrong, and she whispered to me, "I didn't see any of this on the Master Card, the Visa, or the debit card statements. Did you buy it all yesterday?"

I told her I didn't buy any of it, and I was about to ask her when she did all this shopping. She looked at me and said, "Stop screwing around...when did you get all of this?" I repeated that I had not bought a single item except those that were wrapped and placed under the tree days and days ago. "Well, I didn't buy any of it," she reiterated.

"Really?", I said. "For real...you didn't?"

"Nope." "For real. I didn't."

A Soldiers' Christmas...author unknown

T’was the night Before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give,
And to see just who in this home did live.

I looked all about, a strange site did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree,
No stockings by the mantle, Just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distance lands.

With Medals and badges, Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I had found the home of a soldier once I could see clearly.

I heard stories about them, I had to see more,
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.

The solider lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up in this, his one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle,, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Solider.

Was this the War Hero of whom I’d just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more than a man.

I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed they’re lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.

Soon round the world the children would play
And grownups celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of these soldiers like the one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
Dropped to my knees and started to cry.

The Soldier awakened and I hear a rough voice,
“Santa don’t cry, this is my life my choice:
I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
My life is my god, my country my Corps.”

The Solider rolled over and soon drifted to sleep
I couldn’t control it I started to weep.
I kept watch for hours. So silent and still,
And we both shivered hard from the cold nights chill.

I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And I covered this Soldier from his toes to his head.
And I put on his T-shirt of gray and black,
With an eagle and an Army patch embroidered on back.

And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
And for a shining moment, I was United States Army deep inside.
I didn’t want to leave on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor, so willing to fight.

Then the Solider rolled over with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, Christmas Day is Secure."

One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend and to all a good night.

Peace and Merry Christmas to all - JL4

It's beginning to look a lot like....an e-coli breakout

It has become fashionable in recent years for each major or minor metropolitan area to have at least one radio station (sometimes more), play continuous Christmas music non-stop through the holiday season. They usually start just after July 4th, and go on through New Years. In doing so, they have to play some horrendous tunes; many of them re-makes by artists better served singing their own style of music.

When I hear Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumkins sing "Tonight", I love it. When I hear him sing "Little Drummer Boy", I take immediate inventory of my kids, for fear he's after them. And so, although I do love Christmas music, I present to you my thoroughly exhaustive and totally opinionated list of 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever. Happy Hannukka, Channukka, Kwanza, or whatever to you all.

10. Santa Baby by Madonna. Look, this is Madonna singing this song, after all. When she sings, "Think of all the fellas I haven't kissed", all I can see in my mind is Sean Penn punching Santa himself under the mistletoe.

9. The Eight Days of Christmas by Destiny's Child. How many days? And belly rings, diamonds, and back rubs sounds like a rendezvous at a Motel 6, not Christmas cheer. I need a shower after hearing this one.

8. Silent Night, as sung by Stevie Nicks. "Silent night, holy nogigsht. All is cahiml, all is hissopog. Round uya bv-ppe , mo thja=e ac col ". Stevie is coming out with a compilation Christmas album with Eddie Vetter of Pearl Jam called, "Stevie and Eddie. What the hell are they saying?"

7. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as sung by Dean Martin. Now I know Deano liked his bourbon....that much is clear. But what in the hell was he thinking here? Smack dab in the middle of this timeless classic, Dean goes all Nazi Germany and says, "Rudy (Rudy????) mit jor nose so bright, von't juu drive mine schleigh tonight?" One word for ya Deano ----- Duuuuude.

6. Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, by John Denver. He used to say this was a funny, tongue-in-cheek song, but I for one don't find a kid pleading for his dad to stay sober on or around Christmas funny. Add to the fact that Mr. Denver died when he crashed his experimental airplane in Monterey Bay because he was - yes, drunk - and I think you get the picture.

5. Do they know it's Christmas, by Band Aid. Awesome beat, awesome song, awesome charity to give all the proceeds to starving children in Ethiopia, BUT....no, they don't know it's Christmas because, a) They don't have calendars, TV's, radio's, or electricity for the most part....and b) They're ISLAMIC, you numbskull's. Besides all that, the line "Thank God its them, and not you", makes me feel selfish and dirty.

4. Reggae Christmas, by Bryan Adams. Ummmmm....yeah. Just. Yeah.

3. Dominick the Christmas Donkey, by Lou Monte. This song is so horrible, there have yet to be adjectives invented to describe it. It has something to do with an Italian donkey, and that's the good part of the song.

2. Anything sung by a Country and Western star. Seriously, when I hear Billy Bob Taylor or Bubba Gump singing, "Oh, holy naaaght. Tha staaars are brahhgtly shaaaanin"... or "Here comes Santee Claaaaws, here a-comes Santee Claaaaws", I start looking for a telephone pole to ram my car into.

1. Speaking of C&W: The Christmas Shoes. Oooooooooh my word, pleeeease turn it off, turn it off!!!! Ever C&W singer on the planet has taken his shot at this gag-fest. My father-in-law, a man who wears blue jeans, boots, thick long-sleeve flannel shirts, and a long scraggly beard in 100+ degree temperatures says, "I likes to dah ever taaaahm I hear that song. I makes me craaaah ma ahhhhs out." Hmmmmm....it makes me cry to, but only because the thought of jumping off an overpass into oncoming traffic frightens me.

So that's it, boys and girls. The worst of the worst, but I may have left some songs out. Feel free to opine, and most importantly....

"I'm hope yuu drive mine schleigh tonight"

Zig Heil!!!!

Heaven's newest lead singer

The band in Heaven just gained a beautiful set of pipes.

1951-2007

It's a bird! It's a plane!!! No, it's Aunt Marge!

Which super power would you wish to have, and why:

• Ability to fly
• Invisibility
• Telepathy
• Mutation
• Invulnerability
• ESP
• Time manipulation
• Shape Shifting
• Super Strength
• Rubberization
• Fire management
• Cold management

Go ahead...have at it.

For me, it would have to be telepathy. Now that I think of it though, if you're telepathically communicating with the same dolt that you can't get your point across verbally, do you have to slow your thoughts down as well?

Christmas Spirit

Last night I was in Target looking for a puppet that had something to do with an infants' TV show called "Baby Einstein". Let it be said, I know Baby Einstein about as well as I know Albert Einstein, or as Joe Theisman once called him on Monday Night Football, "Herman Einstein". As a matter of fact, I don't know any of the Einstein Bears.


What? Berenstain....Bernstein...Einstein....Schwartz...whatever.


In any event, this Target employee, playing the part of an inconsiderate idiot in a bad mood (and doing it well, I might add), essentially verbally assaulted me when I asked her where in the toy department I might find Baby Einstein and Dora the Explorer. What she said and how she said it is immaterial, but suffice it to say she wasn't smitten with the Christmas spirit last night. Nor was she especially bright, as I could have easily told her boss. (I didn't) Rudolph must have pissed in her Raisin Bran or something, because she not only failed to help me, she insulted me for not knowing my toys very well.



So today I decided to use my Al Gore model AG93-t interneting connection machine and look up other shining examples of gallant human behavior this holiday season. Bear in mind, it's still November unless your operating under the Aztec calendar, in which case it's the second moon under the solar sign of Lorenzo, or some such thing.

• ROYAL OAK, Mich. - A teenager worried about coming in past curfew did his best Santa Claus and headed down the chimney. Unfortunately, he didn’t slide down quite as well as St. Nick. The 17-year-old boy was trying to sneak back into his room at the Judson Center social services agency Thursday night when he got stuck. A worker at the center heard moaning and followed the noise to the chimney, authorities said. Firefighters extracted him. One word: Stairmaster.



• COLFAX TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A man says he shot and killed a neighbor's cow after mistaking it for a coyote. A mistake easily made. They look identical to me (see above)



• WAUPACA, Wis. - A man who was upset with his wife for not buying beer took vengeance by shooting one of the family's two pet goats, prosecutors say. Peter W. Mischler, 48, was charged this week in Circuit Court with mistreatment of animals, possession of a firearm while intoxicated and disorderly conduct with a dangerous weapon. Perhaps the goat cheated on him? Who knows?



• BRANDYWINE HUNDRED, Del. - A man running naked and drunk on a highway accosted several Good Samaritans and caused three accidents, according to state police. Police said Ardonas Gilbert, 26, of Chester, Pa., was running along the southbound lanes of interstate-95 near Marsh Road about 10 p.m. Monday. Gilbert allegedly assaulted two people who tried to help him get off the road and had caused three separate traffic crashes as people swerved to try to avoid him, police said. No one was seriously injured. Honestly...who hasn't had this happen to them once or twice? I wander out onto the largest North to South interstate in the country - naked - at least three times per month, myself. Did you notice - or just breeze by the fact - that they clocked HIM at 10 mph? And which cop stopped pursuing the naked dude on I-95 long enough to fire up and use the radar gun on him?



• FOND DU LAC, Wis. - A would-be mugger apologized to his victim, saying he had the wrong guy. The man, 36, pulled a knife on a man unloading groceries outside his home, according to a Fond du Lac Police Department report. The knife-wielding man asked for money and attempted to punch the younger man, 27, the report said. Another man pulled the would-be mugger away. Stick em up and don't say a word!!! Dude? Is that you???

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

I like this

I saw this on KarensKastle http://karenskastle.blogspot.com/ Thanks Karen.

1. Where is your mobile phone? In my car
2. Relationship? Stable.
3. Your hair? Long (for me) but probably considered short.
4. Work? Roller coaster. Busy today, not so much tomorrow.
5. Your sister(s)? Two.
6. Your favorite thing? Pepperidge farm fish pretzels.
7. Your dream last night? Chased by a lion, but I had the spatula so I was ok.
8. Your favourite drink? Coca Cola.
9. Your dream car? Cadillac.
10. The room you're in? One of the living rooms.
11. Your shoes? Shoes? Who wears shoes?
12. Your fears? Heights. One legged crustaceans with attitude. Barney.
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Alive.
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Kids.
15. What are you not good at? Calculus, driving, and speeellling.
16. Muffin? Blueberry.
17. Wish list item? Winning lottery ticket.
18. Where you grew up? Massachusetts (note: 10,000 Red Sox references).
19. The last thing you did? Took a breath...wait...just did it again.
20. What are you wearing? Blue Adidas shirt, khaki shorts. Nike's.
21. What are you not wearing? A condom. What? What??
22. Your pet? Senile.
23. Your computer? Dell.
24. Your life? A wild ride
25. Your mood? So-so.
26. Missing? The Army - every day
27. What are you thinking about? What color to highlight my answers in. I think I'll go with red.
28. Your car? Saturn Vue.
29. Your kitchen? Where we keep the food.
30. Your summer? Far too long.
31. Your favourite colour? Royal blue. That's why my answers are in red.
32. Last time you laughed? About 3 minutes ago.
33. Last time you cried? Recently.
34. School? Drive my kid there every day.
35. Love? Stinks (Cheap J. Giles reference).

Can we please stop the nonsense?

Original poetry, by JL4


'Twas the night after Thankgsgiving,
correct...I said night.
They lined up at K-Mart,
so dreadful this sight.

Best Buy, Circuit City,
Target and Toy's.
These brain dead consumers,
both girls and boys.

They wanted their TV's,
and monitors and stuff.
They wanted their Digmons,
and all sorts of fluff.

The shops they had promised,
at the top of their voice.
HD's for two hundred,
can you pass such a choice?

What they didn't let on,
and they swore not to tell.
Was the laptop's were all sold,
at the opening bell.

What they wanted you see,
was to get you to buy.
The five-fifty model,
which they had plenty inside.

And the brain dead retarded,
they came in great droves.
To look at refrigerators,
microwaves and stoves.

'Such a great deal',
they said on the news.
I'll just sleep in a tent,
how can I lose?

The temperatures dropped,
below zero, you know.
Some tents they flopped,
under inches of snow.

Thousands they rushed,
on into the store.
Their collective I.Q.,
a hundred and four.

When finally inside,
they started to run.
The old lady they trampled,
was missing the fun.

On X-box, On Wii,
on Playstation glory.
'The lady's still bleeding'?
Oh, I'll bet that looks gory.

They pushed and they pulled,
they screamed at each other.
'I was here first',
and 'so was your mother'.

The owners they smiled,
cuz they were so smart.
The registers rang,
thanks for shopping Wal-Mart!!

And I in my bed,
all snuggled and warm.
Was wondering in my head,
where the dorks had all gone?

As they drove home at dawn,
some were heard with aplomb.
Let's do it again,
cuz black friday's da bomb.

Arizona Girl Beaten, Left Dead for Days in Apartment With Sister

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

PHOENIX — A 12-year-old girl was beaten with an electrical cord, and her parents left her dead body on the floor of her bedroom for days before they called 911, according to court documents released Tuesday.

Police arrested the girl's father, 34-year-old Jeffrey Duchane Jr., and stepmother, 25-year-old Reiko Troupe, after officers were called to the house on Saturday. Troupe was jailed on suspicion of first-degree murder and child abuse. Duchane was jailed on suspicion of child abuse.

According to court documents, Troupe told police that she didn't harm the girls and blamed Duchane for disciplining the children.

Police also found the girl's 9-year-old sister in the apartment when they arrived. Officers said the sister was "cowering in the shower with several bruises, burns and a broken arm," according to court documents.

The 9-year-old gave police a different account as to how her big sister died.

She told police that she saw Troupe make her sister go into the tub. She said Troupe poured hot water on her sister as punishment for not cleaning her room.

The 9-year-old said she heard her sister scream and get out of the tub. She saw her step-mom whip her sister with an extension cord. Troupe then pushed the 12-year-old against the wall and punched her stepdaughter in the face until she passed out.

Afterward, the 9-year-old said she put her hand on her sister's heart and did not feel anything, according to court documents.

The girl also said Troupe previously beat her and her sister.

Poll question:

Which of the following do you think would curtail such behavior in the future?

• Public lynchings on Pay-per-view?
• Public shootings on Pay-per-view?
• Public stoning on Pay-per-view?
• Public bare-fisted beatings on Pay-per-view?
• Do nothing. Let some dickwad lawyer spin this thing so these two walk?

Survey accurate to + or - the square root of 4,667,965,873,152,028

Rivalry?

Where is the rivalry going to go now?

With everybody ducking out of town, the Evil Empire is fast falling apart. It was bound to happen of course, but it's kind of sad the way it crashed all at once.

Manager Joe Torre is a Dodger, half the pitching staff, Posada, Giambi, and of course Alex Rodrigue$$$$$$ are all moving on.

Where have you gone, Joe Dimagio?

Say what you want...

Red Sox fans are many things. They are loud, passionate, boorish at times, passively stunned in disappointment other times, and forgiving...oh so forgiving.

They've been repentant, devotional, religious, psychotic solicitors of a higher authority - as if God cares what happens their baseball team.

They've begged, pleaded, ended relationships because they found out the other person actually liked the Yankees.

Through all of the Freudian adventures and catastrophic mishaps along the way though, they became the symbol of non-religious faith. Red Sox nation never gave up; never questioned the fact that "Next year dammit. Next year, we got it. Guaranteed."

BELIEVE and magic will happen. It may take a century or so, or it may take only a couple of years, depending upon how much faith you project.

Welcome to next year everyone. And three years later, now that I think of it.

Have a free one on me, America. Yours truly,

Dropkick Murphys

Tessie is the Royal Rooters rally cry
Tessie is the tune they always sung
Tessie echoed April through October nights
After serenading Stahl, Dinneen and Young
Tessie is a maiden with a sparkling eye
Tessie is a maiden with a love
She doesn't know the meaning of her sight
She's got a comment full of love
And sometimes when the game is on the line
Tessie always carried them away
Up the road from "Third Base" to Huntington
The boys will always sing and sway

Two! Three! Four!

Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only only only

The Rooters showed up at the grounds one day
They found their seats had all been sold
McGreevey led the charge into the park
Stormed the gates and put the game on hold
The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright
Boston's tenth man could not be wrong
Up from "Third Base" to Huntington
They'd sing another victory song

Two! Three! Four!

Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only only only

The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright
Boston's tenth man could not be wrong
Up from "Third Base" to Huntington
They'd sing another victory song

Two! Three! Four!

Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only only only
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Boston, you are the only only only
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Red Sox, you are the only only only

The blog entry that wrote itself

KNOT so fast

Apparently, the Boston Red Sox weren't interested in laying down and allowing the Cleveland Indians to waltz away with the American League Championship Series.

Down 3 games to 1, the Sox have stormed back to tie the series and send it to what essentially amounts to a 1 game playoff tonight in Boston.

Like I said in 2003...again in 2004...and now once again in 2007....

I guess I'll get some sleep NEXT month.

Rookie of the year front-runner Dustin Pedroia bounces home as the first to score on J.D. Drew's 1st inning grand slam.

Who knew?

© AP
Joey Bishop
Joey Bishop Dead at 89
Oct. 18, 2007, 12:14 PM EST
The Associated Press
Los Angeles -- Joey Bishop, the stone-faced comedian who found success in nightclubs, television and movies but became most famous as a member of Frank Sinatra's Rat Pack, has died at 89.
He was the group's last surviving member. Peter Lawford died in 1984, Sammy Davis Jr. in 1990, Dean Martin in 1995, and Sinatra in 1998.

I swear, I thought this dude had been dead 25 years already.

Groundhog Day in October

In a world that seems rife with let-downs, there are some who do it more spectacularly than others. To wit, we have Britney Spears and her addictive persuasions to alcohol and narcotics, Michael Jackson, once revered as the greatest musician in the world, is now looked upon as the greatest freakazoid of all time. Saudi Arabia is our ally/enemy....enemy/ally....ally/enemy...I've lost track of that one, to be honest. It changes as often as I change socks...or SOX...as it were.

Last night, the Red Sox suffered a 5th inning let-down (or should I say "Meltdown" ?) and gave up 7 runs. This was the 2nd time in 3 games the Sox gave up 7 runs in an inning to the Indians, the first time coming in Game 2 in the 13th inning. They are now on the brink of either elimination or one more of those special comebacks like they did in 2004. My wife - a newly formed convert who has watched nearly every game this year and talks baseball with authority now - slammed her hands on the bed last night and asked me how the hell I can continue to put up with this year after year.

I'm 50 as of the other day, and for 49 of those 50 years, the Red Sox have reached into a barrel full of fish and come up empty handed. Many of those times in excruciating fashion. I could tell you stories of ghosts past and present...ghosts with names like Pesky, Aparicio, Bucky F. Dent, Bob Stanley, Bill Buckner and Aaron F. Boone... ...but I won't. Instead, I'd rather answer my wife's question:

How could I continue to watch all these years through the pain? The answer to that is simple.

From my earliest recollection, I've been in love with the Red Sox. I love their uniforms, which have gone virtually unchanged for a century. I love their ballpark, Fenway. All that majestic green everywhere; seats that are all different sizes and face the wrong way; large beams blocking your view; the guys inside the green monster operating the manual scoreboard dodging rats the size of newborn Shetland Pony's; the atmosphere of electricity even if it's snowing and 28 degrees at the end of the season and they are out of contention. The place is full every night, and their boys are going at it.

With me, it's kind of like the way a fish needs water. In March, Spring Training comes around with fresh faces and renewed hopes. April through October is the season, and I find myself watching two teams during those six months...the Sox and the Yankees...those bothersome dorks who more times than not have ruined a perfectly good September and October for me. That's the way it is...my diversion...my psychotherapy. Come home to the family, watch a little baseball, talk a little baseball. It keeps me sane and drives me insane all at the same time, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Perhaps they'll come back and win all three games to get to the World Series, perhaps not. In any event, much like a family member who has strayed from the path, I will scold them for doing the wrong things, then take them back with a hug and gently tell them to try not to do that again next year.

Besides, I do love those uniforms, after all.

Time on their hands

The Colorado Rockies completed a four-game sweep of the Arizona Diamondbacks last night. That means they have 8 days to wait and rest before the World Series starts next Wednesday. Here is a list of things they can do while they wait to play Game #1:

#10 Go to the reunion concert for "10,000 Maniacs", and meet each one individually

#9 Have a big poker game to raise funds for OJ's plea bargain.

#8 Volunteer to be extras in Mel Gibson's new blockbuster "The Passion of the Apocalyptically Brave Jew"

#7 Start a betting pool to guess which mega-millionaire Red Sox player(s) will fail to perform tonight against the Indians.

#6 Watch all 365,000 Frank Caliendo promos.

#5 Pool funds to get one $9,600.00 ticket to see some teenager named Hannah Montana sing.

#4 Go the the public works department and help them get the snowplows ready for the games in Denver.

#3 Fight to get Ellen DeGeneres' doggie back. I know...I really don't give a rats ass either.

#2 Host a golf tournament to raise funds to pay Michael Jackson's legal fees.

#1 Visit Britney's kids...Lord knows she can't.

Those were the days, weren't they?

We've all heard it and said it. But is it really true?

Was it really better back then? Horses for transportation, oil lanterns, no radio, no TV, no phones, no lights, no motor cars? And yes, no text messaging...brb, ttyl, lol, rofl, cya....WTF?

Too far back you say? Ok then, where shall we go? 1942. Several madmen around the world were attempting to make it their own permanent house of horrors. 450,000 American men died. Radio, cars, but not much else. Flying across the country? Nope...not yet.

How about 1952? Ten years closer to now. Better? Still no TV. American Airlines first domestic flight was 7 years away. Telephones? Yes, but only 17% of the population had them in their homes.

What good old days? 1968? Do we really have to cover Vietnam, LSD, and Detroit and LA on fire? I didn't think so.

Today...right now...technology is shining in its brightest light ever. SAT scores are inching upward. High School drop-out rates are at their all-time lowest. The middle class median income and standard of living are incredibly high. Children are smarter. We're living longer. Sure we have problems as well, but not problems like 10,000 men dying on a French beach in 1 hour. That's a problem. It's not October 1929, and the market has not crashed...forcing people to jump off roof's, live in crates, and stand in a soup line to eat. That's a problem.

A professor at the University of Illinois (Champagne) did a study some years ago. In the dead of winter, he sent 12 people on vacation to Florida for a week. Each day - twice a day - he called each of them and asked them how happy they felt. After their return, he once again asked each of them privately how happy they felt.

The result?

In 11 of the 12 queried, they were happier being back home - cold, nasty weather and all - than they thought they were when they were in Florida. They were back in familiar surroundings, familiar friends, family, work, etc. Not exactly scientific proof of course, but certainly enough circumstantial evidence to suggest most people are happier in the moment then they were previously.

I have a granddaughter that walks and is starting to talk. My parents are both here and able to be great grandparents. I have two wonderful boys who are great students and damn good athletes. I get to see all of their games...and sometimes the granddaughter is at the games too. I can watch the Red Sox every night due to the miracle of Digital Television. My car tells me the temperature outside, and some man or woman will unlock it for me from 3,000 miles away if I'm brain dead enough to leave my keys in it. I've survived umpteen strokes or stroke events...and I want those times back? Nuh uh.

The good old days. The good old days are just that....old. They have their place in an area of my brain called memories. Memories are to be thought about, cherished, and can and should be used to warm the heart and the soul. In my world, that is what I use memories for.

Memories are not a place to live, though. That place is right here...right now.

Peace

Fifty

I turned 50 today...kinda feels like one day more than 49, to be honest.

As the clock struck midnight last night/this morning, I was in the middle of my October-Red Sox-Screw it -I'll sleep in November-Mode, as the Sox were in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, and of course they were tied 6-6 and giving me fits because they couldn't find a way to put this game to bed - which of course would have succeeded in putting me to bed as well; a fact that didn't happen until 1:40 am when the game - and a Red Sox loss - mercifully came to an end.

So here I am...50 and feeling not-too-much-different than I did 10 years ago...and I...

....Awwww darn it, I just pooped my pants! That's the second time today as a matter of fact.

Sorry, gotta go clean up.

Sorry...but I can't resist kicking them when they're down.

Red Sox Nation

Elimination

Frozen solid

Cleveland eliminates Yankees

Too funny not to pass on

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??" "I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter

Oooooops...it's happening again, isn't it?

Alex Rodriguez (Mr. April - September) and the NY Yankees are at it again. In losing to the Cleveland Indians in 11 innings last night, the $220 Million a year Yankees have now lost...get this...11 out of their last 12 playoff games, and are 1 loss removed from a 3rd consecutive first round exit.

In the two losses this week, the Yankees have amassed a grand total of 4 runs, while conceding 14. Dating back to the previous two division series in '05 and last year, A-Rod is now a staggering 3-for-35 (.086). Going further back, he is 4-for-50 since hitting a home run in Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, and he doesn't have a single playoff RBI since then. He is 0-for-6 in the two losses this series, with only two Game 1 walks to show for his troubles.

Not exactly earning his keep, given that he's paid $25 Million a year, eh?

Two years ago he won the league MVP, and then went 0-for-everything in the playoff series loss. This year, he is likely to win the league MVP again, and he is matching his previous October performances stride for stride. A-Rod was once coveted by the Red Sox, who lost out to him in a furious bidding war prior to the Sox' 2004 World Championship season.

Wait...who lost out?

Awwww, so sad. My heart is aching for them...NOT!

Game #1 ALDS

Cleveland 12 NYY 3

Fourth from the left is former Red Sox and internationally known World Series Ball thief, Doug Mankiexxxwiczxsw

Doooooown the stretch!!!

Pain

Like a horrible childhood nightmare, a filthy bad habit, or watching re-runs of "Friends", looking in this particular mirror is horrifying.

If anything, Red Sox fans can say they've never had it easy.


Ever.

I'm not creative enough to make this s*** up myself

Nebraska State Senator Sues God
By NATE JENKINS (AP) – 16 hours ago

LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) — The defendant in a state senator's lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He's everywhere.

State Sen. Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous, Chambers says he's trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.
Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused "fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes."

He's seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.

So far, I have not heard whether God will file a counter suit. I got five bucks says he'll just strike the stupid sunavabitch down where he stands.

I've said it before, and I'll keep on saying it. WHO NEEDS TERRORISTS WHEN WE HAVE IDIOTS LIKE THIS RUNNING THE SHOW?

The search continues...

Las Vegas 14 September, 2007

OJ Simpson, Heisman Trophy winner, NFL Hall of Fame Member, and recent author of the book, "My thong underwear: If I had put them on, this is how I would have done it", has been named a suspect in a break-in at a Las Vegas casino. The Palace Station casino was broken into last night, and high value sports memorabilia was stolen. Simpson told the LV police that he "believed the memorabilia belonged to him", whatever the hell that means.

Simpson was spotted inside the casino hotel last evening, though he did not have a reservation. Allegedly, Simpson and five men broke into a room at the hotel brandishing guns. There was a man in the room who positively identified Simpson, but as we all know, if da descript dohne fit, you gotta acquit". Or spit, shit, hit, flit, knit, or something like that. I'm no poet like Johnny Cochran is...oooops, my bad. Was.

In any event, Simpson has pledged his support for the Las Vegas police by stating that "He will dedicate his life to finding the real thieves." To demonstrate his cooperative stance, this morning Simpson named Fay Resnick as his primary suspect in the armed robbery.

Story submitted by JL4 who has absolutely nothing to do with the AP or UPI wire services.

Patsy? I know you did it, and I don't care that you're dead. I know you did it, you miserable...

Cynicism....Who? Me?

cyn·i·cism (sĭn'ĭ-sĭz'əm) n.
An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others


HOUSTON — A man condemned for killing and beheading his common-law wife's three children had his conviction overturned Wednesday by a divided Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. The wife, also a suspect, gave conflicting testimony, so the case was thrown out.

SPARTANBURG, SC. - A dispute between a husband and his estranged wife Monday ended with both dead and their 11-month-old child injured, authorities said. The infant had been shot through the leg during the struggle.

LYNWOOD, California (AP) -- Nicole Richie was released from jail Thursday, just 82 minutes into a 4-day sentence, after the pregnant TV reality star checked in for a four day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs.

WASHINGTON, (AP) - Moveon.org runs full page advertisement in the New York Times, calling General Petraeus, General Betray-Us.

ROTHLEY, ENG - McCann parents wait to see if they face charges
Prosecutors to get documents on 4-year-old girl’s disappearance Tuesday

STRATHAM, N.H. - A man arrested for allegedly driving drunk is fighting to get his license back, saying his breath test was flawed because he was burping at the time.

BIG CREEK, WV- No federal hate crime charges in torture case
Woman held, abused for a week was not a random target, prosecutor says.













For the life of me, I can't see where I get my cynicism from.

How yoooo dune?

When did the attitude of our country change for the worst? I mean, no one sent me a memo. It seems like one day I woke up, and everybody started taking an "all-for-one, one-for-me stance"

"Heyyyyy, ow yoo dune?" can easily be followed by "I'll be doing a lot better once I blow up the mall with this C4 I have strapped to my chest."

Not to worry. They wouldn't have a clue what you said, because they're not listening. You might as well just go ahead and bomb the mall. As long as they're not near it, they'll see it on T.V. and say something like, "Wow...that's terrible. Hey, do I smell cheeseburgers?"

"How ya feeling today?" is often times merely a segue so they can tell you how crappy they feel. You could tell them you contracted a rare form of viral aids...and that they were now infected as well, to no avail. They're thinking of what they're going to say to you and have no idea what you're saying to them.

I heard someone say something today, and I was struck by the simplicity of it all. He was a national sports talk radio guy, and he said the following: "The measure of a person is in how he or she treats those people who have nothing to offer them, not how they treat those who can better their image or standing."

Do you say "Hi" to your boss, but nothing to the poor schmuck who was in a 4:00 am cleaning your work space? When was the last time you stood in the rain and held a door for someone else before you entered? I'm the VP of my son's High School booster club. This year, we gave preferred parking stickers to anyone who bought a full booster membership. 1 membership....1 sticker. So what happened? I and the rest of the boosters received virtual hate mail from parents complaining about only having one sticker, but two or three cars. After politely responding to a couple of these, I got fed up and put all the whiners' addresses in one email, and sent the following:

When you signed up and paid for your booster membership, it clearly said '1 sticker per membership'. In reviewing the document, I failed to find anything in there that said 'price or amenities negotiable.' Thank you for supporting the student athletes with your monetary donation, but please - in the future - try and refrain from acting the same age as the kids you're helping out.

Hey!!!! I listened... I responded.... Kind of refreshing, isn't it?

Say it again, Sam

"I would rather tell seven lies than give one explanation. Life is much easier that way"

Jennifer

Two Friday's ago, I was nearing the end of what would be a very short and relatively uneventful stay in the hospital. Compared to the stays in 2000, 2001, and 2003, this was more like a resting vacation. Lots of sleep.

On Thursday night I met Jennifer. There is a small courtyard outside of the ward I was in, complete with a reflecting pool, lots of greenery and flowers, and small benches patients and guests can sit on. The nurses were encouraging me to walk around, and about 11:00 pm, I wandered out to the yard. I took a seat about 10 feet from the only other person there, a woman by the name of Jennifer, seated in a wheelchair. Jennifer would tell me later she was 53 (I'm 49), and you could see in her visage that there was a time in the not-so-distant past that Jennifer was a very attractive woman. Time and the past few years had served to take the obvious away from her, but you could still see it if you were someone who has the ability to see below the surface of a person.

Jennifer was/is really sick.

Sitting in her wheelchair, she struck up the conversation from our distance. Her voice was strong and vibrant, with only the slightest of shake or reverberation in it. She asked how I was doing and why I was there. I proceeded cautiously, telling her what was wrong, but as is my custom, not making a big deal about it.

Good thing, too.

Jennifer proceeded to speak without reservation about her issues. Five years prior, she had been diagnosed with Lymphoma. That terrible ailment gestated into breast cancer, and she lost both breasts and a good deal of her lymph nodes under her arms. She was currently in the hospital because of an erupting stomach ulcer, and she had just been informed they think she may have another form of Hodgkin's. 53 years old. Fifty-three.

This woman was so sweet, it was incredible. She spoke of her husband and children in glowing terms, and never once complained or even insinuated that she had been dealt a crappy hand. We talked for nearly a half hour, mostly her talking with me listening, trying to soak in one of the greatest lessons a person can learn one on one - the lesson of true fearlessness.

Here I am with my little ditty that got me slammed for a few days, and I'm talking to someone who may or may not have a few days left. I thought I was lonesome in the middle of the dark nights at the hospital, but my worries were absolutely nothing compared to hers...and she dealt with them with dignity and style. Yes, style. Try to imagine this if you can. You are her, and you are - for all intents and purposes - flying solo on this trip. Nothing is going right for you, and every minor success is followed by a soul-crushing letdown. And yet you're smiling, speaking candidly and freely, and you're wishing someone else with only 1% of your problems the best of luck. You even say you'll pray for me.

So, I told you to "IMAGINE" you were her. You can only do that because you are obviously not her. But if you were, would you - could you - be as strong? I'm not in search of your answer. That is for you and you alone to know. And just in case you're wondering, yes - I've asked that question of myself as well.

And so may you also have the best of luck, Jennifer whateveryourlastnameis. I made sure I said a prayer for you that night. You seemed to need it more than me.

Or perhaps you didn't, now that I think about it.

Ahhh, but the cuisine...the cuisine

These tales of the past week are coming in the same way I'm getting them back in my memory. Disjointed, out of time sequence, and disheveled. Learn to live with it, I do ;-)

Last Thursday Morning...waaaaay too early.

A woman walks in my hospital room and says loudly, "State Joo name pleze". Naturally, me feeling a little better and the eternal smart-ass anyways said, "Joo name."

I'm fairly certain she neither understood nor appreciated my humor, and she kind of chucked my tray onto that side table contraption that can spin in front of the patient and serve as a table for eating. I offed the cover, and much to my non surprise, I had no clue what 75% of the stuff on that tray was. After about 5 minutes of playing, "What's that smell?", I determined the following to be true:

The yellow/off white stuff in the small plastic bowl was the main chef's own invention. Hash browns and scrambled eggs mixed together to form a cylindrically shaped masterpiece of tasteful delight known as a $#!%&^. I decided to pass, because such a thing of beauty would only be destroyed if I ate it.

From that point forward, I knew my eyes, ears, color receptors, and instincts would have to be my guide. If the item was green when by all logic it should have been orange, I passed. If the smell was similar to the grease pit in the back alley of Sung Ho's Wok in Brooklyn, I passed. If the item seemed bloated in any form, I passed. And finally, anything that was once red meat or chicken that passed through a blender before it made it's appearance at my bedside? Pass.

America's hospital's. Yeeeesss, they're expensive, but think of the poundage you'll lose while there. They could market it as the latest craze:

"The Auto-diet", brought to you by your friends in the kitchen at your nearby Florida Hospital. All you have to do to enroll is state joo name.

Last Friday, Aug 30th, about 3:40 PM

I'm seconds from changing out of the show-yer-butt gowns that are all the rage in hospitals, dahhhling, into my regular clothes to be discharged, and a new nurse walks in the door. Neither she nor I had met before. In a friendly and competent manner, she said to me, "Hi. I'm Jennifer your nurse. Have you had a bowel movement today?"

I responded, "Hiiiiii. Is that the way you usually break the ice?" "Or is that some sort of weird pick-up line? If it is, it needs some tweaking."

Now look, she seemed sweet enough, but lordy, lordy.

"Hi, I'm Jennifer - your nurse."

"How are you feeling?"

"Can I get you something?"

"Oh, by the way, I need to know if your bathroom habits are normal."

Anything...anything...except allowing the first question off your lips to be about "The Deuce".

Just another helpful tip for those willing and wanting to pay attention to life's little details.

Mom's (Yes, plural)

I work in a company that is about 90% female. The last 4 days or so, I've received more phone calls, e-mail, and personal encounters, telling me to slow down....take it easy...and of course "slow down while taking it easy". It's as if I have 43 Mom's....but I'm not complaining. They all mean well.

A slight misstep last Wednesday. Had a bit of a balance problem in the early morning, then went to work and had a "mini" episode. According to people who were there, my speech rapidly deteriorated and my cognitive skills disappeared in about 30 minutes. They got me to the emergency room, and after a few days in the hospital, they paroled me.

All is well now. Speech is not labored any more, strength and endurance coming back rapidly.

I am confused why I'm not allowed to run with scissors while in the swimming pool talking with a stranger within an hour of eating. That one has me baffled.

Hopefully, my many mom's will explain that one to me.

Focus

Focus is an issue right now. I want to tell the story, but it takes too much to find each key on the typewriter, and I have no desire to proof-read anything.

Sorry.