I stole this from someone who probably stole this from someone who probably stole it from someone, who...well, you get the idea.
In any event, I liked it. So here goes the list of things done or not done in my life:
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink Not everyone...but close
02. Swam with wild dolphins Nope
03. Climbed a mountain Yup...climbed "The Eagles Nest" (Hitlers hang out) in 1977
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive Nope...never even sat in one
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid Yes...oh yes...in 1993. Was in the Sphinx too. Went waaay down into the main burial crypt....where there is precious little oxygen.
06. Held a tarantula A dead one in West Texas 1989
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone Nope
08. Said "I love you" and meant it Of course
09. Hugged a tree Does hugging Al Gore count? Ummmm...not! He's too big to be a tree.
10. Bungee jumped Wow.....no
11. Visited Paris Yes, and it was dirty (1978)...Make that filthy!
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea Not at sea, no
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise Too many times (Retired Army)
14. Seen the Northern Lights Nope...would like that though
15. Gone to a huge sports game Kidding, right? Ummmmm yeah...Hello???
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa Nope
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables Yup...and they sucked
18. Touched an iceberg Huh?
19. Slept under the stars Hello?? Army guy...21 years? Uh Huh.
20. Changed a baby’s diaper Raised 3....changed thousands.
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon Sadly, no
22. Watched a meteor shower Yup
23. Gotten drunk on champagne Ummmm, yeah
24. Given more than you can afford to charity Given what I could aford...never more
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope Week and a half ago
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment At a funeral...can you imagine????
27. Had a food fight High school
28. Bet on a winning horse Yep...more on losers, though
29. Asked out a stranger Once....my advice? Don't
30. Had a snowball fight Grew up in Mass
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can I have kids....do you?
32. Held a lamb No
33. Seen a total eclipse Twice
34. Ridden a roller coaster Lame question...who hasn't?
35. Hit a home run 3. I was a slap hitter (singles and doubles for the most part)
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking Every time I dance
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day An entire day? Noooooo
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment Of course
39. Had two hard drives for your computer Ummmmm....no
40. Visited all 50 states Close...44
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk. Too many times
42. Had amazing friends Is there another kind?
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country Germany 1976-1979
44. Watched wild whales Nope
45. Stolen a sign Once in college...it was stupid, I know
46. Backpacked in Europe Does marching and training in the Army count?
47. Taken a road-trip Yeah, of course
48. Gone rock climbing Tried...failed miserably
49. Midnight walk on the beach Sure
50. Gone sky diving Once
51. Visited Ireland Parents did...not me
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love Once....
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them Yup
54. Visited Japan Nope
55. Milked a cow Nope
56. Alphabetized your CDs Too anal
57. Pretended to be a superhero 5th Amendment
58. Sung karaoke Too Cowardly
59. Lounged around in bed all day Yeah
60. Played touch football Of course
61. Gone scuba diving Nope
62. Kissed in the rain Yes
63. Played in the mud See #60, touch football
64. Played in the rain See #60, touch football
65. Gone to a drive-in theater Many times
66. Visited the Great Wall of China Alas...no
67. Started a business Nope
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken Yes
69. Toured ancient sites Egypt....North Africa...Middle East
70. Taken a martial arts class Not really
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight Never played it at all
72. Gotten married Yup
73. Been in a movie Nope
74. Crashed a party Lots of times
75. Gotten divorced Yup...once
76. Gone without food for 5 days Good Heavens...no
77. Made cookies from scratch Ha ha ha ha....me? Bake?
78. Won first prize in a costume contest Once...as a drag queen
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice Nope
80. Gotten a tattoo Regrettably
81. Rafted the Snake River Nope
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" Nope....not tv
83. Got flowers for no reason Given them for no reason
84. Performed on stage Yup...King & I and Camelot
85. Been to Las Vegas Twice
86. Recorded music My own voice? Twice
87. Eaten shark Yup
88. Kissed on the first date No one is supposed to kiss and tell
89. Gone to Thailand Nope
90. Bought a house 4
91. Been in a combat zone Yes, unfortunately
92. Buried one/both of your parents No...thankfully
93. Been on a cruise ship Thrice
94. Spoken more than one language fluently Arabic
95. Performed in Rocky Horror Nope...not gay
96. Raised children On-going
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour No...that's weird
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country Not really
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over Again....Army 21 years...yes
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge Driven several times
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking Every day
103. Had plastic surgery Nope....all original factory installed parts
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived I wouldn't say shouldn't have
105. Wrote articles for a large publication Wrote a book
106. Lost over 100 pounds Spent most of my life trying to gain weight
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback I don't think so
108. Piloted an airplane I'm a lousy driver...wouldn't recommend me flying
109. Touched a stingray Actually, yes. At the pool in Devil Rays Baseball Stadium
110. Broken someone’s heart I'm fairly certain (and saddened) that I have
111. Helped an animal give birth Is this for real??
112. Won money on a T.V. game show My best friend in H.S. won $32,000.00 on Press Your Luck
113. Broken a bone Never...ever. Amazing huh? All those years playing sports and in the Army? Never once
114. Gone on an African photo safari Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Nooooooo!
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears Pleeeeease....no
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol All
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild Hell no!
118. Ridden a horse Yep
119. Had major surgery Several times
120. Had a snake as a pet Nasty
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon Nope
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours Maybe....dunno
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states No
124. Visited all 7 continents Nope
That's all...there is more, but I'm worn out.
Peace
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
December 25th
So there I was, sound asleep last night/this morning, when I heard this thumping noise above me. I own a two story home, so I got up from the bed and went upstairs and check on the boys. My alarm clock with the large LED's said 1:30 am, and I was a little more than annoyed that I had to go and tell the two boys to be quiet and go to sleep.
When I went upstairs, all the lights were off and both boys were well asleep. Wondering aloud why I got out of bed for a stupid dream, I wandered back downstairs. As I was nearing the base of the staircase, I heard a series of loud bumps, then full-throated laughter. I ran back upstairs in the dark, hoping to catch them in their act. Turning on the lights in each room, the boys were still both asleep, and were in the same positions I had seen them in less than a minute before.
The neighbors' dog was barking his insane howl, and I was thoroughly pissed now as I crawled back into the warm, waiting bed. 1:33 am, and I was awake. Jeesh!
This morning, the boys awakened the wifey and I at around 8:15, and we all went out into the living room for the obligatory gift opening. There were an astounding number of gifts under and around the tree that weren't there last evening. Baseball bats; batting helmets; batting gloves; Red Sox World Series memorabilia, etc. As we all took turns opening our presents, my wife looked at me strangely. I asked her what was wrong, and she whispered to me, "I didn't see any of this on the Master Card, the Visa, or the debit card statements. Did you buy it all yesterday?"
I told her I didn't buy any of it, and I was about to ask her when she did all this shopping. She looked at me and said, "Stop screwing around...when did you get all of this?" I repeated that I had not bought a single item except those that were wrapped and placed under the tree days and days ago. "Well, I didn't buy any of it," she reiterated.
"Really?", I said. "For real...you didn't?"
"Nope." "For real. I didn't."
When I went upstairs, all the lights were off and both boys were well asleep. Wondering aloud why I got out of bed for a stupid dream, I wandered back downstairs. As I was nearing the base of the staircase, I heard a series of loud bumps, then full-throated laughter. I ran back upstairs in the dark, hoping to catch them in their act. Turning on the lights in each room, the boys were still both asleep, and were in the same positions I had seen them in less than a minute before.
The neighbors' dog was barking his insane howl, and I was thoroughly pissed now as I crawled back into the warm, waiting bed. 1:33 am, and I was awake. Jeesh!
This morning, the boys awakened the wifey and I at around 8:15, and we all went out into the living room for the obligatory gift opening. There were an astounding number of gifts under and around the tree that weren't there last evening. Baseball bats; batting helmets; batting gloves; Red Sox World Series memorabilia, etc. As we all took turns opening our presents, my wife looked at me strangely. I asked her what was wrong, and she whispered to me, "I didn't see any of this on the Master Card, the Visa, or the debit card statements. Did you buy it all yesterday?"
I told her I didn't buy any of it, and I was about to ask her when she did all this shopping. She looked at me and said, "Stop screwing around...when did you get all of this?" I repeated that I had not bought a single item except those that were wrapped and placed under the tree days and days ago. "Well, I didn't buy any of it," she reiterated.
"Really?", I said. "For real...you didn't?"
"Nope." "For real. I didn't."
Monday, December 24, 2007
A Soldiers' Christmas...author unknown
T’was the night Before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give,
And to see just who in this home did live.
I looked all about, a strange site did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree,
No stockings by the mantle, Just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distance lands.
With Medals and badges, Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I had found the home of a soldier once I could see clearly.
I heard stories about them, I had to see more,
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
The solider lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up in this, his one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle,, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Solider.
Was this the War Hero of whom I’d just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more than a man.
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed they’re lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world the children would play
And grownups celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of these soldiers like the one lying here.
I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
Dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The Soldier awakened and I hear a rough voice,
“Santa don’t cry, this is my life my choice:
I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
My life is my god, my country my Corps.”
The Solider rolled over and soon drifted to sleep
I couldn’t control it I started to weep.
I kept watch for hours. So silent and still,
And we both shivered hard from the cold nights chill.
I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And I covered this Soldier from his toes to his head.
And I put on his T-shirt of gray and black,
With an eagle and an Army patch embroidered on back.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
And for a shining moment, I was United States Army deep inside.
I didn’t want to leave on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor, so willing to fight.
Then the Solider rolled over with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, Christmas Day is Secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend and to all a good night.
Peace and Merry Christmas to all - JL4
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give,
And to see just who in this home did live.
I looked all about, a strange site did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree,
No stockings by the mantle, Just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distance lands.
With Medals and badges, Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I had found the home of a soldier once I could see clearly.
I heard stories about them, I had to see more,
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
The solider lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up in this, his one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle,, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Solider.
Was this the War Hero of whom I’d just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more than a man.
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed they’re lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world the children would play
And grownups celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of these soldiers like the one lying here.
I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
Dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The Soldier awakened and I hear a rough voice,
“Santa don’t cry, this is my life my choice:
I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
My life is my god, my country my Corps.”
The Solider rolled over and soon drifted to sleep
I couldn’t control it I started to weep.
I kept watch for hours. So silent and still,
And we both shivered hard from the cold nights chill.
I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And I covered this Soldier from his toes to his head.
And I put on his T-shirt of gray and black,
With an eagle and an Army patch embroidered on back.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
And for a shining moment, I was United States Army deep inside.
I didn’t want to leave on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor, so willing to fight.
Then the Solider rolled over with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, Christmas Day is Secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend and to all a good night.
Peace and Merry Christmas to all - JL4
Saturday, December 22, 2007
It's beginning to look a lot like....an e-coli breakout
It has become fashionable in recent years for each major or minor metropolitan area to have at least one radio station (sometimes more), play continuous Christmas music non-stop through the holiday season. They usually start just after July 4th, and go on through New Years. In doing so, they have to play some horrendous tunes; many of them re-makes by artists better served singing their own style of music.
When I hear Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumkins sing "Tonight", I love it. When I hear him sing "Little Drummer Boy", I take immediate inventory of my kids, for fear he's after them. And so, although I do love Christmas music, I present to you my thoroughly exhaustive and totally opinionated list of 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever. Happy Hannukka, Channukka, Kwanza, or whatever to you all.
10. Santa Baby by Madonna. Look, this is Madonna singing this song, after all. When she sings, "Think of all the fellas I haven't kissed", all I can see in my mind is Sean Penn punching Santa himself under the mistletoe.
9. The Eight Days of Christmas by Destiny's Child. How many days? And belly rings, diamonds, and back rubs sounds like a rendezvous at a Motel 6, not Christmas cheer. I need a shower after hearing this one.
8. Silent Night, as sung by Stevie Nicks. "Silent night, holy nogigsht. All is cahiml, all is hissopog. Round uya bv-ppe , mo thja=e ac col ". Stevie is coming out with a compilation Christmas album with Eddie Vetter of Pearl Jam called, "Stevie and Eddie. What the hell are they saying?"
7. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as sung by Dean Martin. Now I know Deano liked his bourbon....that much is clear. But what in the hell was he thinking here? Smack dab in the middle of this timeless classic, Dean goes all Nazi Germany and says, "Rudy (Rudy????) mit jor nose so bright, von't juu drive mine schleigh tonight?" One word for ya Deano ----- Duuuuude.
6. Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, by John Denver. He used to say this was a funny, tongue-in-cheek song, but I for one don't find a kid pleading for his dad to stay sober on or around Christmas funny. Add to the fact that Mr. Denver died when he crashed his experimental airplane in Monterey Bay because he was - yes, drunk - and I think you get the picture.
5. Do they know it's Christmas, by Band Aid. Awesome beat, awesome song, awesome charity to give all the proceeds to starving children in Ethiopia, BUT....no, they don't know it's Christmas because, a) They don't have calendars, TV's, radio's, or electricity for the most part....and b) They're ISLAMIC, you numbskull's. Besides all that, the line "Thank God its them, and not you", makes me feel selfish and dirty.
4. Reggae Christmas, by Bryan Adams. Ummmmm....yeah. Just. Yeah.
3. Dominick the Christmas Donkey, by Lou Monte. This song is so horrible, there have yet to be adjectives invented to describe it. It has something to do with an Italian donkey, and that's the good part of the song.
2. Anything sung by a Country and Western star. Seriously, when I hear Billy Bob Taylor or Bubba Gump singing, "Oh, holy naaaght. Tha staaars are brahhgtly shaaaanin"... or "Here comes Santee Claaaaws, here a-comes Santee Claaaaws", I start looking for a telephone pole to ram my car into.
1. Speaking of C&W: The Christmas Shoes. Oooooooooh my word, pleeeease turn it off, turn it off!!!! Ever C&W singer on the planet has taken his shot at this gag-fest. My father-in-law, a man who wears blue jeans, boots, thick long-sleeve flannel shirts, and a long scraggly beard in 100+ degree temperatures says, "I likes to dah ever taaaahm I hear that song. I makes me craaaah ma ahhhhs out." Hmmmmm....it makes me cry to, but only because the thought of jumping off an overpass into oncoming traffic frightens me.
So that's it, boys and girls. The worst of the worst, but I may have left some songs out. Feel free to opine, and most importantly....
"I'm hope yuu drive mine schleigh tonight"
Zig Heil!!!!
When I hear Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumkins sing "Tonight", I love it. When I hear him sing "Little Drummer Boy", I take immediate inventory of my kids, for fear he's after them. And so, although I do love Christmas music, I present to you my thoroughly exhaustive and totally opinionated list of 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever. Happy Hannukka, Channukka, Kwanza, or whatever to you all.
10. Santa Baby by Madonna. Look, this is Madonna singing this song, after all. When she sings, "Think of all the fellas I haven't kissed", all I can see in my mind is Sean Penn punching Santa himself under the mistletoe.
9. The Eight Days of Christmas by Destiny's Child. How many days? And belly rings, diamonds, and back rubs sounds like a rendezvous at a Motel 6, not Christmas cheer. I need a shower after hearing this one.
8. Silent Night, as sung by Stevie Nicks. "Silent night, holy nogigsht. All is cahiml, all is hissopog. Round uya bv-ppe , mo thja=e ac col ". Stevie is coming out with a compilation Christmas album with Eddie Vetter of Pearl Jam called, "Stevie and Eddie. What the hell are they saying?"
7. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, as sung by Dean Martin. Now I know Deano liked his bourbon....that much is clear. But what in the hell was he thinking here? Smack dab in the middle of this timeless classic, Dean goes all Nazi Germany and says, "Rudy (Rudy????) mit jor nose so bright, von't juu drive mine schleigh tonight?" One word for ya Deano ----- Duuuuude.
6. Please Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, by John Denver. He used to say this was a funny, tongue-in-cheek song, but I for one don't find a kid pleading for his dad to stay sober on or around Christmas funny. Add to the fact that Mr. Denver died when he crashed his experimental airplane in Monterey Bay because he was - yes, drunk - and I think you get the picture.
5. Do they know it's Christmas, by Band Aid. Awesome beat, awesome song, awesome charity to give all the proceeds to starving children in Ethiopia, BUT....no, they don't know it's Christmas because, a) They don't have calendars, TV's, radio's, or electricity for the most part....and b) They're ISLAMIC, you numbskull's. Besides all that, the line "Thank God its them, and not you", makes me feel selfish and dirty.
4. Reggae Christmas, by Bryan Adams. Ummmmm....yeah. Just. Yeah.
3. Dominick the Christmas Donkey, by Lou Monte. This song is so horrible, there have yet to be adjectives invented to describe it. It has something to do with an Italian donkey, and that's the good part of the song.
2. Anything sung by a Country and Western star. Seriously, when I hear Billy Bob Taylor or Bubba Gump singing, "Oh, holy naaaght. Tha staaars are brahhgtly shaaaanin"... or "Here comes Santee Claaaaws, here a-comes Santee Claaaaws", I start looking for a telephone pole to ram my car into.
1. Speaking of C&W: The Christmas Shoes. Oooooooooh my word, pleeeease turn it off, turn it off!!!! Ever C&W singer on the planet has taken his shot at this gag-fest. My father-in-law, a man who wears blue jeans, boots, thick long-sleeve flannel shirts, and a long scraggly beard in 100+ degree temperatures says, "I likes to dah ever taaaahm I hear that song. I makes me craaaah ma ahhhhs out." Hmmmmm....it makes me cry to, but only because the thought of jumping off an overpass into oncoming traffic frightens me.
So that's it, boys and girls. The worst of the worst, but I may have left some songs out. Feel free to opine, and most importantly....
"I'm hope yuu drive mine schleigh tonight"
Zig Heil!!!!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
It's a bird! It's a plane!!! No, it's Aunt Marge!
Which super power would you wish to have, and why:
- Ability to fly
- Invisibility
- Telepathy
- Mutation
- Invulnerability
- ESP
- Time manipulation
- Shape Shifting
- Super Strength
- Rubberization
- Fire management
- Cold management
Go ahead...have at it.
For me, it would have to be telepathy. Now that I think of it though, if you're telepathically communicating with the same dolt that you can't get your point across verbally, do you have to slow your thoughts down as well?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Christmas Spirit
Last night I was in Target looking for a puppet that had something to do with an infants' TV show called "Baby Einstein". Let it be said, I know Baby Einstein about as well as I know Albert Einstein, or as Joe Theisman once called him on Monday Night Football, "Herman Einstein". As a matter of fact, I don't know any of the Einstein Bears.
What? Berenstain....Bernstein...Einstein....Schwartz...whatever.
In any event, this Target employee, playing the part of an inconsiderate idiot in a bad mood (and doing it well, I might add), essentially verbally assaulted me when I asked her where in the toy department I might find Baby Einstein and Dora the Explorer. What she said and how she said it is immaterial, but suffice it to say she wasn't smitten with the Christmas spirit last night. Nor was she especially bright, as I could have easily told her boss. (I didn't) Rudolph must have pissed in her Raisin Bran or something, because she not only failed to help me, she insulted me for not knowing my toys very well.
So today I decided to use my Al Gore model AG93-t interneting connection machine and look up other shining examples of gallant human behavior this holiday season. Bear in mind, it's still November unless your operating under the Aztec calendar, in which case it's the second moon under the solar sign of Lorenzo, or some such thing.
What? Berenstain....Bernstein...Einstein....Schwartz...whatever.
In any event, this Target employee, playing the part of an inconsiderate idiot in a bad mood (and doing it well, I might add), essentially verbally assaulted me when I asked her where in the toy department I might find Baby Einstein and Dora the Explorer. What she said and how she said it is immaterial, but suffice it to say she wasn't smitten with the Christmas spirit last night. Nor was she especially bright, as I could have easily told her boss. (I didn't) Rudolph must have pissed in her Raisin Bran or something, because she not only failed to help me, she insulted me for not knowing my toys very well.
So today I decided to use my Al Gore model AG93-t interneting connection machine and look up other shining examples of gallant human behavior this holiday season. Bear in mind, it's still November unless your operating under the Aztec calendar, in which case it's the second moon under the solar sign of Lorenzo, or some such thing.
- ROYAL OAK, Mich. - A teenager worried about coming in past curfew did his best Santa Claus and headed down the chimney. Unfortunately, he didn’t slide down quite as well as St. Nick. The 17-year-old boy was trying to sneak back into his room at the Judson Center social services agency Thursday night when he got stuck. A worker at the center heard moaning and followed the noise to the chimney, authorities said. Firefighters extracted him. One word: Stairmaster.
- COLFAX TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A man says he shot and killed a neighbor's cow after mistaking it for a coyote. A mistake easily made. They look identical to me (see above)
- WAUPACA, Wis. - A man who was upset with his wife for not buying beer took vengeance by shooting one of the family's two pet goats, prosecutors say. Peter W. Mischler, 48, was charged this week in Circuit Court with mistreatment of animals, possession of a firearm while intoxicated and disorderly conduct with a dangerous weapon. Perhaps the goat cheated on him? Who knows?
- BRANDYWINE HUNDRED, Del. - A man running naked and drunk on a highway accosted several Good Samaritans and caused three accidents, according to state police. Police said Ardonas Gilbert, 26, of Chester, Pa., was running along the southbound lanes of interstate-95 near Marsh Road about 10 p.m. Monday. Gilbert allegedly assaulted two people who tried to help him get off the road and had caused three separate traffic crashes as people swerved to try to avoid him, police said. No one was seriously injured. Honestly...who hasn't had this happen to them once or twice? I wander out onto the largest North to South interstate in the country - naked - at least three times per month, myself. Did you notice - or just breeze by the fact - that they clocked HIM at 10 mph? And which cop stopped pursuing the naked dude on I-95 long enough to fire up and use the radar gun on him?
- FOND DU LAC, Wis. - A would-be mugger apologized to his victim, saying he had the wrong guy. The man, 36, pulled a knife on a man unloading groceries outside his home, according to a Fond du Lac Police Department report. The knife-wielding man asked for money and attempted to punch the younger man, 27, the report said. Another man pulled the would-be mugger away. Stick em up and don't say a word!!! Dude? Is that you???
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
I like this
I saw this on KarensKastle http://karenskastle.blogspot.com/ Thanks Karen.
1. Where is your mobile phone? In my car
2. Relationship? Stable.
3. Your hair? Long (for me) but probably considered short.
4. Work? Roller coaster. Busy today, not so much tomorrow.
5. Your sister(s)? Two.
6. Your favorite thing? Pepperidge farm fish pretzels.
7. Your dream last night? Chased by a lion, but I had the spatula so I was ok.
8. Your favourite drink? Coca Cola.
9. Your dream car? Cadillac.
10. The room you're in? One of the living rooms.
11. Your shoes? Shoes? Who wears shoes?
12. Your fears? Heights. One legged crustaceans with attitude. Barney.
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Alive.
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Kids.
15. What are you not good at? Calculus, driving, and speeellling.
16. Muffin? Blueberry.
17. Wish list item? Winning lottery ticket.
18. Where you grew up? Massachusetts (note: 10,000 Red Sox references).
19. The last thing you did? Took a breath...wait...just did it again.
20. What are you wearing? Blue Adidas shirt, khaki shorts. Nike's.
21. What are you not wearing? A condom. What? What??
22. Your pet? Senile.
23. Your computer? Dell.
24. Your life? A wild ride
25. Your mood? So-so.
26. Missing? The Army - every day
27. What are you thinking about? What color to highlight my answers in. I think I'll go with red.
28. Your car? Saturn Vue.
29. Your kitchen? Where we keep the food.
30. Your summer? Far too long.
31. Your favourite colour? Royal blue. That's why my answers are in red.
32. Last time you laughed? About 3 minutes ago.
33. Last time you cried? Recently.
34. School? Drive my kid there every day.
35. Love? Stinks (Cheap J. Giles reference).
1. Where is your mobile phone? In my car
2. Relationship? Stable.
3. Your hair? Long (for me) but probably considered short.
4. Work? Roller coaster. Busy today, not so much tomorrow.
5. Your sister(s)? Two.
6. Your favorite thing? Pepperidge farm fish pretzels.
7. Your dream last night? Chased by a lion, but I had the spatula so I was ok.
8. Your favourite drink? Coca Cola.
9. Your dream car? Cadillac.
10. The room you're in? One of the living rooms.
11. Your shoes? Shoes? Who wears shoes?
12. Your fears? Heights. One legged crustaceans with attitude. Barney.
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Alive.
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Kids.
15. What are you not good at? Calculus, driving, and speeellling.
16. Muffin? Blueberry.
17. Wish list item? Winning lottery ticket.
18. Where you grew up? Massachusetts (note: 10,000 Red Sox references).
19. The last thing you did? Took a breath...wait...just did it again.
20. What are you wearing? Blue Adidas shirt, khaki shorts. Nike's.
21. What are you not wearing? A condom. What? What??
22. Your pet? Senile.
23. Your computer? Dell.
24. Your life? A wild ride
25. Your mood? So-so.
26. Missing? The Army - every day
27. What are you thinking about? What color to highlight my answers in. I think I'll go with red.
28. Your car? Saturn Vue.
29. Your kitchen? Where we keep the food.
30. Your summer? Far too long.
31. Your favourite colour? Royal blue. That's why my answers are in red.
32. Last time you laughed? About 3 minutes ago.
33. Last time you cried? Recently.
34. School? Drive my kid there every day.
35. Love? Stinks (Cheap J. Giles reference).
Monday, November 26, 2007
Can we please stop the nonsense?
Original poetry, by JL4
'Twas the night after Thankgsgiving,
correct...I said night.
They lined up at K-Mart,
so dreadful this sight.
Best Buy, Circuit City,
Target and Toy's.
These brain dead consumers,
both girls and boys.
They wanted their TV's,
and monitors and stuff.
They wanted their Digmons,
and all sorts of fluff.
The shops they had promised,
at the top of their voice.
HD's for two hundred,
can you pass such a choice?
What they didn't let on,
and they swore not to tell.
Was the laptop's were all sold,
at the opening bell.
What they wanted you see,
was to get you to buy.
The five-fifty model,
which they had plenty inside.
And the brain dead retarded,
they came in great droves.
To look at refrigerators,
microwaves and stoves.
'Such a great deal',
they said on the news.
I'll just sleep in a tent,
how can I lose?
The temperatures dropped,
below zero, you know.
Some tents they flopped,
under inches of snow.
Thousands they rushed,
on into the store.
Their collective I.Q.,
a hundred and four.
When finally inside,
they started to run.
The old lady they trampled,
was missing the fun.
On X-box, On Wii,
on Playstation glory.
'The lady's still bleeding'?
Oh, I'll bet that looks gory.
They pushed and they pulled,
they screamed at each other.
'I was here first',
and 'so was your mother'.
The owners they smiled,
cuz they were so smart.
The registers rang,
thanks for shopping Wal-Mart!!
And I in my bed,
all snuggled and warm.
Was wondering in my head,
where the dorks had all gone?
As they drove home at dawn,
some were heard with aplomb.
Let's do it again,
cuz black friday's da bomb.
'Twas the night after Thankgsgiving,
correct...I said night.
They lined up at K-Mart,
so dreadful this sight.
Best Buy, Circuit City,
Target and Toy's.
These brain dead consumers,
both girls and boys.
They wanted their TV's,
and monitors and stuff.
They wanted their Digmons,
and all sorts of fluff.
The shops they had promised,
at the top of their voice.
HD's for two hundred,
can you pass such a choice?
What they didn't let on,
and they swore not to tell.
Was the laptop's were all sold,
at the opening bell.
What they wanted you see,
was to get you to buy.
The five-fifty model,
which they had plenty inside.
And the brain dead retarded,
they came in great droves.
To look at refrigerators,
microwaves and stoves.
'Such a great deal',
they said on the news.
I'll just sleep in a tent,
how can I lose?
The temperatures dropped,
below zero, you know.
Some tents they flopped,
under inches of snow.
Thousands they rushed,
on into the store.
Their collective I.Q.,
a hundred and four.
When finally inside,
they started to run.
The old lady they trampled,
was missing the fun.
On X-box, On Wii,
on Playstation glory.
'The lady's still bleeding'?
Oh, I'll bet that looks gory.
They pushed and they pulled,
they screamed at each other.
'I was here first',
and 'so was your mother'.
The owners they smiled,
cuz they were so smart.
The registers rang,
thanks for shopping Wal-Mart!!
And I in my bed,
all snuggled and warm.
Was wondering in my head,
where the dorks had all gone?
As they drove home at dawn,
some were heard with aplomb.
Let's do it again,
cuz black friday's da bomb.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Arizona Girl Beaten, Left Dead for Days in Apartment With Sister
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
PHOENIX — A 12-year-old girl was beaten with an electrical cord, and her parents left her dead body on the floor of her bedroom for days before they called 911, according to court documents released Tuesday.
Police arrested the girl's father, 34-year-old Jeffrey Duchane Jr., and stepmother, 25-year-old Reiko Troupe, after officers were called to the house on Saturday. Troupe was jailed on suspicion of first-degree murder and child abuse. Duchane was jailed on suspicion of child abuse.
According to court documents, Troupe told police that she didn't harm the girls and blamed Duchane for disciplining the children.
Police also found the girl's 9-year-old sister in the apartment when they arrived. Officers said the sister was "cowering in the shower with several bruises, burns and a broken arm," according to court documents.
The 9-year-old gave police a different account as to how her big sister died.
She told police that she saw Troupe make her sister go into the tub. She said Troupe poured hot water on her sister as punishment for not cleaning her room.
The 9-year-old said she heard her sister scream and get out of the tub. She saw her step-mom whip her sister with an extension cord. Troupe then pushed the 12-year-old against the wall and punched her stepdaughter in the face until she passed out.
Afterward, the 9-year-old said she put her hand on her sister's heart and did not feel anything, according to court documents.
The girl also said Troupe previously beat her and her sister.
Poll question:
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
PHOENIX — A 12-year-old girl was beaten with an electrical cord, and her parents left her dead body on the floor of her bedroom for days before they called 911, according to court documents released Tuesday.
Police arrested the girl's father, 34-year-old Jeffrey Duchane Jr., and stepmother, 25-year-old Reiko Troupe, after officers were called to the house on Saturday. Troupe was jailed on suspicion of first-degree murder and child abuse. Duchane was jailed on suspicion of child abuse.
According to court documents, Troupe told police that she didn't harm the girls and blamed Duchane for disciplining the children.
Police also found the girl's 9-year-old sister in the apartment when they arrived. Officers said the sister was "cowering in the shower with several bruises, burns and a broken arm," according to court documents.
The 9-year-old gave police a different account as to how her big sister died.
She told police that she saw Troupe make her sister go into the tub. She said Troupe poured hot water on her sister as punishment for not cleaning her room.
The 9-year-old said she heard her sister scream and get out of the tub. She saw her step-mom whip her sister with an extension cord. Troupe then pushed the 12-year-old against the wall and punched her stepdaughter in the face until she passed out.
Afterward, the 9-year-old said she put her hand on her sister's heart and did not feel anything, according to court documents.
The girl also said Troupe previously beat her and her sister.
Poll question:
Which of the following do you think would curtail such behavior in the future?
- Public lynchings on Pay-per-view?
- Public shootings on Pay-per-view?
- Public stoning on Pay-per-view?
- Public bare-fisted beatings on Pay-per-view?
- Do nothing. Let some dickwad lawyer spin this thing so these two walk?
Survey accurate to + or - the square root of 4,667,965,873,152,028
Monday, November 12, 2007
Rivalry?
Where is the rivalry going to go now?
With everybody ducking out of town, the Evil Empire is fast falling apart. It was bound to happen of course, but it's kind of sad the way it crashed all at once.
Manager Joe Torre is a Dodger, half the pitching staff, Posada, Giambi, and of course Alex Rodrigue$$$$$$ are all moving on.
Where have you gone, Joe Dimagio?
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Say what you want...
Red Sox fans are many things. They are loud, passionate, boorish at times, passively stunned in disappointment other times, and forgiving...oh so forgiving.They've been repentant, devotional, religious, psychotic solicitors of a higher authority - as if God cares what happens their baseball team.
They've begged, pleaded, ended relationships because they found out the other person actually liked the Yankees.
Through all of the Freudian adventures and catastrophic mishaps along the way though, they became the symbol of non-religious faith. Red Sox nation never gave up; never questioned the fact that "Next year dammit. Next year, we got it. Guaranteed."
BELIEVE and magic will happen. It may take a century or so, or it may take only a couple of years, depending upon how much faith you project.
Welcome to next year everyone. And three years later, now that I think of it.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Dropkick Murphys
Tessie is the Royal Rooters rally cry
Tessie is the tune they always sung
Tessie echoed April through October nights
After serenading Stahl, Dinneen and Young
Tessie is a maiden with a sparkling eye
Tessie is a maiden with a love
She doesn't know the meaning of her sight
She's got a comment full of love
And sometimes when the game is on the line
Tessie always carried them away
Up the road from "Third Base" to Huntington
The boys will always sing and sway
Two! Three! Four!
Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only only only
The Rooters showed up at the grounds one day
They found their seats had all been sold
McGreevey led the charge into the park
Stormed the gates and put the game on hold
The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright
Boston's tenth man could not be wrong
Up from "Third Base" to Huntington
They'd sing another victory song
Two! Three! Four!
Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only only only
The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright
Boston's tenth man could not be wrong
Up from "Third Base" to Huntington
They'd sing another victory song
Two! Three! Four!
Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only only only
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Boston, you are the only only only
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Red Sox, you are the only only only
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
KNOT so fast
Apparently, the Boston Red Sox weren't interested in laying down and allowing the Cleveland Indians to waltz away with the American League Championship Series.
Down 3 games to 1, the Sox have stormed back to tie the series and send it to what essentially amounts to a 1 game playoff tonight in Boston.
Like I said in 2003...again in 2004...and now once again in 2007....
I guess I'll get some sleep NEXT month.
Rookie of the year front-runner Dustin Pedroia bounces home as the first to score on J.D. Drew's 1st inning grand slam.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Who knew?
© AP
Joey Bishop
Joey Bishop Dead at 89
Oct. 18, 2007, 12:14 PM EST
The Associated Press
Los Angeles -- Joey Bishop, the stone-faced comedian who found success in nightclubs, television and movies but became most famous as a member of Frank Sinatra's Rat Pack, has died at 89.
He was the group's last surviving member. Peter Lawford died in 1984, Sammy Davis Jr. in 1990, Dean Martin in 1995, and Sinatra in 1998.
I swear, I thought this dude had been dead 25 years already.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Groundhog Day in October
In a world that seems rife with let-downs, there are some who do it more spectacularly than others. To wit, we have Britney Spears and her addictive persuasions to alcohol and narcotics, Michael Jackson, once revered as the greatest musician in the world, is now looked upon as the greatest freakazoid of all time. Saudi Arabia is our ally/enemy....enemy/ally....ally/enemy...I've lost track of that one, to be honest. It changes as often as I change socks...or SOX...as it were.
Last night, the Red Sox suffered a 5th inning let-down (or should I say "Meltdown" ?) and gave up 7 runs. This was the 2nd time in 3 games the Sox gave up 7 runs in an inning to the Indians, the first time coming in Game 2 in the 13th inning. They are now on the brink of either elimination or one more of those special comebacks like they did in 2004. My wife - a newly formed convert who has watched nearly every game this year and talks baseball with authority now - slammed her hands on the bed last night and asked me how the hell I can continue to put up with this year after year.
I'm 50 as of the other day, and for 49 of those 50 years, the Red Sox have reached into a barrel full of fish and come up empty handed. Many of those times in excruciating fashion. I could tell you stories of ghosts past and present...ghosts with names like Pesky, Aparicio, Bucky F. Dent, Bob Stanley, Bill Buckner and Aaron F. Boone... ...but I won't. Instead, I'd rather answer my wife's question:
How could I continue to watch all these years through the pain? The answer to that is simple.
From my earliest recollection, I've been in love with the Red Sox. I love their uniforms, which have gone virtually unchanged for a century. I love their ballpark, Fenway. All that majestic green everywhere; seats that are all different sizes and face the wrong way; large beams blocking your view; the guys inside the green monster operating the manual scoreboard dodging rats the size of newborn Shetland Pony's; the atmosphere of electricity even if it's snowing and 28 degrees at the end of the season and they are out of contention. The place is full every night, and their boys are going at it.
With me, it's kind of like the way a fish needs water. In March, Spring Training comes around with fresh faces and renewed hopes. April through October is the season, and I find myself watching two teams during those six months...the Sox and the Yankees...those bothersome dorks who more times than not have ruined a perfectly good September and October for me. That's the way it is...my diversion...my psychotherapy. Come home to the family, watch a little baseball, talk a little baseball. It keeps me sane and drives me insane all at the same time, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Perhaps they'll come back and win all three games to get to the World Series, perhaps not. In any event, much like a family member who has strayed from the path, I will scold them for doing the wrong things, then take them back with a hug and gently tell them to try not to do that again next year.
Besides, I do love those uniforms, after all.
Last night, the Red Sox suffered a 5th inning let-down (or should I say "Meltdown" ?) and gave up 7 runs. This was the 2nd time in 3 games the Sox gave up 7 runs in an inning to the Indians, the first time coming in Game 2 in the 13th inning. They are now on the brink of either elimination or one more of those special comebacks like they did in 2004. My wife - a newly formed convert who has watched nearly every game this year and talks baseball with authority now - slammed her hands on the bed last night and asked me how the hell I can continue to put up with this year after year.
I'm 50 as of the other day, and for 49 of those 50 years, the Red Sox have reached into a barrel full of fish and come up empty handed. Many of those times in excruciating fashion. I could tell you stories of ghosts past and present...ghosts with names like Pesky, Aparicio, Bucky F. Dent, Bob Stanley, Bill Buckner and Aaron F. Boone... ...but I won't. Instead, I'd rather answer my wife's question:
How could I continue to watch all these years through the pain? The answer to that is simple.
From my earliest recollection, I've been in love with the Red Sox. I love their uniforms, which have gone virtually unchanged for a century. I love their ballpark, Fenway. All that majestic green everywhere; seats that are all different sizes and face the wrong way; large beams blocking your view; the guys inside the green monster operating the manual scoreboard dodging rats the size of newborn Shetland Pony's; the atmosphere of electricity even if it's snowing and 28 degrees at the end of the season and they are out of contention. The place is full every night, and their boys are going at it.
With me, it's kind of like the way a fish needs water. In March, Spring Training comes around with fresh faces and renewed hopes. April through October is the season, and I find myself watching two teams during those six months...the Sox and the Yankees...those bothersome dorks who more times than not have ruined a perfectly good September and October for me. That's the way it is...my diversion...my psychotherapy. Come home to the family, watch a little baseball, talk a little baseball. It keeps me sane and drives me insane all at the same time, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Perhaps they'll come back and win all three games to get to the World Series, perhaps not. In any event, much like a family member who has strayed from the path, I will scold them for doing the wrong things, then take them back with a hug and gently tell them to try not to do that again next year.
Besides, I do love those uniforms, after all.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Time on their hands
The Colorado Rockies completed a four-game sweep of the Arizona Diamondbacks last night. That means they have 8 days to wait and rest before the World Series starts next Wednesday. Here is a list of things they can do while they wait to play Game #1:
#10 Go to the reunion concert for "10,000 Maniacs", and meet each one individually
#9 Have a big poker game to raise funds for OJ's plea bargain.
#8 Volunteer to be extras in Mel Gibson's new blockbuster "The Passion of the Apocalyptically Brave Jew"
#7 Start a betting pool to guess which mega-millionaire Red Sox player(s) will fail to perform tonight against the Indians.
#6 Watch all 365,000 Frank Caliendo promos.
#5 Pool funds to get one $9,600.00 ticket to see some teenager named Hannah Montana sing.
#4 Go the the public works department and help them get the snowplows ready for the games in Denver.
#3 Fight to get Ellen DeGeneres' doggie back. I know...I really don't give a rats ass either.
#2 Host a golf tournament to raise funds to pay Michael Jackson's legal fees.
#1 Visit Britney's kids...Lord knows she can't.
#10 Go to the reunion concert for "10,000 Maniacs", and meet each one individually
#9 Have a big poker game to raise funds for OJ's plea bargain.
#8 Volunteer to be extras in Mel Gibson's new blockbuster "The Passion of the Apocalyptically Brave Jew"
#7 Start a betting pool to guess which mega-millionaire Red Sox player(s) will fail to perform tonight against the Indians.
#6 Watch all 365,000 Frank Caliendo promos.
#5 Pool funds to get one $9,600.00 ticket to see some teenager named Hannah Montana sing.
#4 Go the the public works department and help them get the snowplows ready for the games in Denver.
#3 Fight to get Ellen DeGeneres' doggie back. I know...I really don't give a rats ass either.
#2 Host a golf tournament to raise funds to pay Michael Jackson's legal fees.
#1 Visit Britney's kids...Lord knows she can't.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Those were the days, weren't they?
We've all heard it and said it. But is it really true?
Was it really better back then? Horses for transportation, oil lanterns, no radio, no TV, no phones, no lights, no motor cars? And yes, no text messaging...brb, ttyl, lol, rofl, cya....WTF?
Too far back you say? Ok then, where shall we go? 1942. Several madmen around the world were attempting to make it their own permanent house of horrors. 450,000 American men died. Radio, cars, but not much else. Flying across the country? Nope...not yet.
How about 1952? Ten years closer to now. Better? Still no TV. American Airlines first domestic flight was 7 years away. Telephones? Yes, but only 17% of the population had them in their homes.
What good old days? 1968? Do we really have to cover Vietnam, LSD, and Detroit and LA on fire? I didn't think so.
Today...right now...technology is shining in its brightest light ever. SAT scores are inching upward. High School drop-out rates are at their all-time lowest. The middle class median income and standard of living are incredibly high. Children are smarter. We're living longer. Sure we have problems as well, but not problems like 10,000 men dying on a French beach in 1 hour. That's a problem. It's not October 1929, and the market has not crashed...forcing people to jump off roof's, live in crates, and stand in a soup line to eat. That's a problem.
A professor at the University of Illinois (Champagne) did a study some years ago. In the dead of winter, he sent 12 people on vacation to Florida for a week. Each day - twice a day - he called each of them and asked them how happy they felt. After their return, he once again asked each of them privately how happy they felt.
The result?
In 11 of the 12 queried, they were happier being back home - cold, nasty weather and all - than they thought they were when they were in Florida. They were back in familiar surroundings, familiar friends, family, work, etc. Not exactly scientific proof of course, but certainly enough circumstantial evidence to suggest most people are happier in the moment then they were previously.
I have a granddaughter that walks and is starting to talk. My parents are both here and able to be great grandparents. I have two wonderful boys who are great students and damn good athletes. I get to see all of their games...and sometimes the granddaughter is at the games too. I can watch the Red Sox every night due to the miracle of Digital Television. My car tells me the temperature outside, and some man or woman will unlock it for me from 3,000 miles away if I'm brain dead enough to leave my keys in it. I've survived umpteen strokes or stroke events...and I want those times back? Nuh uh.
The good old days. The good old days are just that....old. They have their place in an area of my brain called memories. Memories are to be thought about, cherished, and can and should be used to warm the heart and the soul. In my world, that is what I use memories for.
Memories are not a place to live, though. That place is right here...right now.
Peace
Was it really better back then? Horses for transportation, oil lanterns, no radio, no TV, no phones, no lights, no motor cars? And yes, no text messaging...brb, ttyl, lol, rofl, cya....WTF?
Too far back you say? Ok then, where shall we go? 1942. Several madmen around the world were attempting to make it their own permanent house of horrors. 450,000 American men died. Radio, cars, but not much else. Flying across the country? Nope...not yet.
How about 1952? Ten years closer to now. Better? Still no TV. American Airlines first domestic flight was 7 years away. Telephones? Yes, but only 17% of the population had them in their homes.
What good old days? 1968? Do we really have to cover Vietnam, LSD, and Detroit and LA on fire? I didn't think so.
Today...right now...technology is shining in its brightest light ever. SAT scores are inching upward. High School drop-out rates are at their all-time lowest. The middle class median income and standard of living are incredibly high. Children are smarter. We're living longer. Sure we have problems as well, but not problems like 10,000 men dying on a French beach in 1 hour. That's a problem. It's not October 1929, and the market has not crashed...forcing people to jump off roof's, live in crates, and stand in a soup line to eat. That's a problem.
A professor at the University of Illinois (Champagne) did a study some years ago. In the dead of winter, he sent 12 people on vacation to Florida for a week. Each day - twice a day - he called each of them and asked them how happy they felt. After their return, he once again asked each of them privately how happy they felt.
The result?
In 11 of the 12 queried, they were happier being back home - cold, nasty weather and all - than they thought they were when they were in Florida. They were back in familiar surroundings, familiar friends, family, work, etc. Not exactly scientific proof of course, but certainly enough circumstantial evidence to suggest most people are happier in the moment then they were previously.
I have a granddaughter that walks and is starting to talk. My parents are both here and able to be great grandparents. I have two wonderful boys who are great students and damn good athletes. I get to see all of their games...and sometimes the granddaughter is at the games too. I can watch the Red Sox every night due to the miracle of Digital Television. My car tells me the temperature outside, and some man or woman will unlock it for me from 3,000 miles away if I'm brain dead enough to leave my keys in it. I've survived umpteen strokes or stroke events...and I want those times back? Nuh uh.
The good old days. The good old days are just that....old. They have their place in an area of my brain called memories. Memories are to be thought about, cherished, and can and should be used to warm the heart and the soul. In my world, that is what I use memories for.
Memories are not a place to live, though. That place is right here...right now.
Peace
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Fifty
I turned 50 today...kinda feels like one day more than 49, to be honest.
As the clock struck midnight last night/this morning, I was in the middle of my October-Red Sox-Screw it -I'll sleep in November-Mode, as the Sox were in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, and of course they were tied 6-6 and giving me fits because they couldn't find a way to put this game to bed - which of course would have succeeded in putting me to bed as well; a fact that didn't happen until 1:40 am when the game - and a Red Sox loss - mercifully came to an end.
So here I am...50 and feeling not-too-much-different than I did 10 years ago...and I...
....Awwww darn it, I just pooped my pants! That's the second time today as a matter of fact.
Sorry, gotta go clean up.
As the clock struck midnight last night/this morning, I was in the middle of my October-Red Sox-Screw it -I'll sleep in November-Mode, as the Sox were in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, and of course they were tied 6-6 and giving me fits because they couldn't find a way to put this game to bed - which of course would have succeeded in putting me to bed as well; a fact that didn't happen until 1:40 am when the game - and a Red Sox loss - mercifully came to an end.
So here I am...50 and feeling not-too-much-different than I did 10 years ago...and I...
....Awwww darn it, I just pooped my pants! That's the second time today as a matter of fact.
Sorry, gotta go clean up.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
Too funny not to pass on
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??" "I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??" "I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Oooooops...it's happening again, isn't it?
Alex Rodriguez (Mr. April - September) and the NY Yankees are at it again. In losing to the Cleveland Indians in 11 innings last night, the $220 Million a year Yankees have now lost...get this...11 out of their last 12 playoff games, and are 1 loss removed from a 3rd consecutive first round exit.In the two losses this week, the Yankees have amassed a grand total of 4 runs, while conceding 14. Dating back to the previous two division series in '05 and last year, A-Rod is now a staggering 3-for-35 (.086). Going further back, he is 4-for-50 since hitting a home run in Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, and he doesn't have a single playoff RBI since then. He is 0-for-6 in the two losses this series, with only two Game 1 walks to show for his troubles.
Not exactly earning his keep, given that he's paid $25 Million a year, eh?
Two years ago he won the league MVP, and then went 0-for-everything in the playoff series loss. This year, he is likely to win the league MVP again, and he is matching his previous October performances stride for stride. A-Rod was once coveted by the Red Sox, who lost out to him in a furious bidding war prior to the Sox' 2004 World Championship season.
Wait...who lost out?
Friday, October 05, 2007
Awwww, so sad. My heart is aching for them...NOT!
Game #1 ALDS
Cleveland 12 NYY 3
Fourth from the left is former Red Sox and internationally known World Series Ball thief, Doug Mankiexxxwiczxsw
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Pain
Like a horrible childhood nightmare, a filthy bad habit, or watching re-runs of "Friends", looking in this particular mirror is horrifying.If anything, Red Sox fans can say they've never had it easy.
Ever.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I'm not creative enough to make this s*** up myself
Nebraska State Senator Sues God
By NATE JENKINS (AP) – 16 hours ago
LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) — The defendant in a state senator's lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He's everywhere.
State Sen. Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous, Chambers says he's trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.
Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."
The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused "fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes."
He's seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.
So far, I have not heard whether God will file a counter suit. I got five bucks says he'll just strike the stupid sunavabitch down where he stands.
I've said it before, and I'll keep on saying it. WHO NEEDS TERRORISTS WHEN WE HAVE IDIOTS LIKE THIS RUNNING THE SHOW?
Friday, September 14, 2007
The search continues...
Las Vegas 14 September, 2007
OJ Simpson, Heisman Trophy winner, NFL Hall of Fame Member, and recent author of the book, "My thong underwear: If I had put them on, this is how I would have done it", has been named a suspect in a break-in at a Las Vegas casino. The Palace Station casino was broken into last night, and high value sports memorabilia was stolen. Simpson told the LV police that he "believed the memorabilia belonged to him", whatever the hell that means.
Simpson was spotted inside the casino hotel last evening, though he did not have a reservation. Allegedly, Simpson and five men broke into a room at the hotel brandishing guns. There was a man in the room who positively identified Simpson, but as we all know, if da descript dohne fit, you gotta acquit". Or spit, shit, hit, flit, knit, or something like that. I'm no poet like Johnny Cochran is...oooops, my bad. Was.
In any event, Simpson has pledged his support for the Las Vegas police by stating that "He will dedicate his life to finding the real thieves." To demonstrate his cooperative stance, this morning Simpson named Fay Resnick as his primary suspect in the armed robbery.
Story submitted by JL4 who has absolutely nothing to do with the AP or UPI wire services.
Patsy? I know you did it, and I don't care that you're dead. I know you did it, you miserable...
OJ Simpson, Heisman Trophy winner, NFL Hall of Fame Member, and recent author of the book, "My thong underwear: If I had put them on, this is how I would have done it", has been named a suspect in a break-in at a Las Vegas casino. The Palace Station casino was broken into last night, and high value sports memorabilia was stolen. Simpson told the LV police that he "believed the memorabilia belonged to him", whatever the hell that means.
Simpson was spotted inside the casino hotel last evening, though he did not have a reservation. Allegedly, Simpson and five men broke into a room at the hotel brandishing guns. There was a man in the room who positively identified Simpson, but as we all know, if da descript dohne fit, you gotta acquit". Or spit, shit, hit, flit, knit, or something like that. I'm no poet like Johnny Cochran is...oooops, my bad. Was.
In any event, Simpson has pledged his support for the Las Vegas police by stating that "He will dedicate his life to finding the real thieves." To demonstrate his cooperative stance, this morning Simpson named Fay Resnick as his primary suspect in the armed robbery.
Story submitted by JL4 who has absolutely nothing to do with the AP or UPI wire services.
Patsy? I know you did it, and I don't care that you're dead. I know you did it, you miserable...
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Cynicism....Who? Me?
cyn·i·cism (sÄn'Ä-sÄz'É™m) n.
An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others
HOUSTON — A man condemned for killing and beheading his common-law wife's three children had his conviction overturned Wednesday by a divided Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. The wife, also a suspect, gave conflicting testimony, so the case was thrown out.
SPARTANBURG, SC. - A dispute between a husband and his estranged wife Monday ended with both dead and their 11-month-old child injured, authorities said. The infant had been shot through the leg during the struggle.
LYNWOOD, California (AP) -- Nicole Richie was released from jail Thursday, just 82 minutes into a 4-day sentence, after the pregnant TV reality star checked in for a four day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs.
WASHINGTON, (AP) - Moveon.org runs full page advertisement in the New York Times, calling General Petraeus, General Betray-Us.
ROTHLEY, ENG - McCann parents wait to see if they face charges
Prosecutors to get documents on 4-year-old girl’s disappearance Tuesday
STRATHAM, N.H. - A man arrested for allegedly driving drunk is fighting to get his license back, saying his breath test was flawed because he was burping at the time.
BIG CREEK, WV- No federal hate crime charges in torture case
Woman held, abused for a week was not a random target, prosecutor says.
For the life of me, I can't see where I get my cynicism from.
An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others
HOUSTON — A man condemned for killing and beheading his common-law wife's three children had his conviction overturned Wednesday by a divided Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. The wife, also a suspect, gave conflicting testimony, so the case was thrown out.
SPARTANBURG, SC. - A dispute between a husband and his estranged wife Monday ended with both dead and their 11-month-old child injured, authorities said. The infant had been shot through the leg during the struggle.
LYNWOOD, California (AP) -- Nicole Richie was released from jail Thursday, just 82 minutes into a 4-day sentence, after the pregnant TV reality star checked in for a four day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs.
WASHINGTON, (AP) - Moveon.org runs full page advertisement in the New York Times, calling General Petraeus, General Betray-Us.
ROTHLEY, ENG - McCann parents wait to see if they face charges
Prosecutors to get documents on 4-year-old girl’s disappearance Tuesday
STRATHAM, N.H. - A man arrested for allegedly driving drunk is fighting to get his license back, saying his breath test was flawed because he was burping at the time.
BIG CREEK, WV- No federal hate crime charges in torture case
Woman held, abused for a week was not a random target, prosecutor says.
For the life of me, I can't see where I get my cynicism from.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
How yoooo dune?
When did the attitude of our country change for the worst? I mean, no one sent me a memo. It seems like one day I woke up, and everybody started taking an "all-for-one, one-for-me stance"
"Heyyyyy, ow yoo dune?" can easily be followed by "I'll be doing a lot better once I blow up the mall with this C4 I have strapped to my chest."
Not to worry. They wouldn't have a clue what you said, because they're not listening. You might as well just go ahead and bomb the mall. As long as they're not near it, they'll see it on T.V. and say something like, "Wow...that's terrible. Hey, do I smell cheeseburgers?"
"How ya feeling today?" is often times merely a segue so they can tell you how crappy they feel. You could tell them you contracted a rare form of viral aids...and that they were now infected as well, to no avail. They're thinking of what they're going to say to you and have no idea what you're saying to them.
I heard someone say something today, and I was struck by the simplicity of it all. He was a national sports talk radio guy, and he said the following: "The measure of a person is in how he or she treats those people who have nothing to offer them, not how they treat those who can better their image or standing."
Do you say "Hi" to your boss, but nothing to the poor schmuck who was in a 4:00 am cleaning your work space? When was the last time you stood in the rain and held a door for someone else before you entered? I'm the VP of my son's High School booster club. This year, we gave preferred parking stickers to anyone who bought a full booster membership. 1 membership....1 sticker. So what happened? I and the rest of the boosters received virtual hate mail from parents complaining about only having one sticker, but two or three cars. After politely responding to a couple of these, I got fed up and put all the whiners' addresses in one email, and sent the following:
When you signed up and paid for your booster membership, it clearly said '1 sticker per membership'. In reviewing the document, I failed to find anything in there that said 'price or amenities negotiable.' Thank you for supporting the student athletes with your monetary donation, but please - in the future - try and refrain from acting the same age as the kids you're helping out.
Hey!!!! I listened... I responded.... Kind of refreshing, isn't it?
"Heyyyyy, ow yoo dune?" can easily be followed by "I'll be doing a lot better once I blow up the mall with this C4 I have strapped to my chest."
Not to worry. They wouldn't have a clue what you said, because they're not listening. You might as well just go ahead and bomb the mall. As long as they're not near it, they'll see it on T.V. and say something like, "Wow...that's terrible. Hey, do I smell cheeseburgers?"
"How ya feeling today?" is often times merely a segue so they can tell you how crappy they feel. You could tell them you contracted a rare form of viral aids...and that they were now infected as well, to no avail. They're thinking of what they're going to say to you and have no idea what you're saying to them.
I heard someone say something today, and I was struck by the simplicity of it all. He was a national sports talk radio guy, and he said the following: "The measure of a person is in how he or she treats those people who have nothing to offer them, not how they treat those who can better their image or standing."
Do you say "Hi" to your boss, but nothing to the poor schmuck who was in a 4:00 am cleaning your work space? When was the last time you stood in the rain and held a door for someone else before you entered? I'm the VP of my son's High School booster club. This year, we gave preferred parking stickers to anyone who bought a full booster membership. 1 membership....1 sticker. So what happened? I and the rest of the boosters received virtual hate mail from parents complaining about only having one sticker, but two or three cars. After politely responding to a couple of these, I got fed up and put all the whiners' addresses in one email, and sent the following:
When you signed up and paid for your booster membership, it clearly said '1 sticker per membership'. In reviewing the document, I failed to find anything in there that said 'price or amenities negotiable.' Thank you for supporting the student athletes with your monetary donation, but please - in the future - try and refrain from acting the same age as the kids you're helping out.
Hey!!!! I listened... I responded.... Kind of refreshing, isn't it?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Say it again, Sam
"I would rather tell seven lies than give one explanation. Life is much easier that way"
Monday, September 10, 2007
Jennifer
Two Friday's ago, I was nearing the end of what would be a very short and relatively uneventful stay in the hospital. Compared to the stays in 2000, 2001, and 2003, this was more like a resting vacation. Lots of sleep.
On Thursday night I met Jennifer. There is a small courtyard outside of the ward I was in, complete with a reflecting pool, lots of greenery and flowers, and small benches patients and guests can sit on. The nurses were encouraging me to walk around, and about 11:00 pm, I wandered out to the yard. I took a seat about 10 feet from the only other person there, a woman by the name of Jennifer, seated in a wheelchair. Jennifer would tell me later she was 53 (I'm 49), and you could see in her visage that there was a time in the not-so-distant past that Jennifer was a very attractive woman. Time and the past few years had served to take the obvious away from her, but you could still see it if you were someone who has the ability to see below the surface of a person.
Jennifer was/is really sick.
Sitting in her wheelchair, she struck up the conversation from our distance. Her voice was strong and vibrant, with only the slightest of shake or reverberation in it. She asked how I was doing and why I was there. I proceeded cautiously, telling her what was wrong, but as is my custom, not making a big deal about it.
Good thing, too.
Jennifer proceeded to speak without reservation about her issues. Five years prior, she had been diagnosed with Lymphoma. That terrible ailment gestated into breast cancer, and she lost both breasts and a good deal of her lymph nodes under her arms. She was currently in the hospital because of an erupting stomach ulcer, and she had just been informed they think she may have another form of Hodgkin's. 53 years old. Fifty-three.
This woman was so sweet, it was incredible. She spoke of her husband and children in glowing terms, and never once complained or even insinuated that she had been dealt a crappy hand. We talked for nearly a half hour, mostly her talking with me listening, trying to soak in one of the greatest lessons a person can learn one on one - the lesson of true fearlessness.
Here I am with my little ditty that got me slammed for a few days, and I'm talking to someone who may or may not have a few days left. I thought I was lonesome in the middle of the dark nights at the hospital, but my worries were absolutely nothing compared to hers...and she dealt with them with dignity and style. Yes, style. Try to imagine this if you can. You are her, and you are - for all intents and purposes - flying solo on this trip. Nothing is going right for you, and every minor success is followed by a soul-crushing letdown. And yet you're smiling, speaking candidly and freely, and you're wishing someone else with only 1% of your problems the best of luck. You even say you'll pray for me.
So, I told you to "IMAGINE" you were her. You can only do that because you are obviously not her. But if you were, would you - could you - be as strong? I'm not in search of your answer. That is for you and you alone to know. And just in case you're wondering, yes - I've asked that question of myself as well.
And so may you also have the best of luck, Jennifer whateveryourlastnameis. I made sure I said a prayer for you that night. You seemed to need it more than me.
Or perhaps you didn't, now that I think about it.
On Thursday night I met Jennifer. There is a small courtyard outside of the ward I was in, complete with a reflecting pool, lots of greenery and flowers, and small benches patients and guests can sit on. The nurses were encouraging me to walk around, and about 11:00 pm, I wandered out to the yard. I took a seat about 10 feet from the only other person there, a woman by the name of Jennifer, seated in a wheelchair. Jennifer would tell me later she was 53 (I'm 49), and you could see in her visage that there was a time in the not-so-distant past that Jennifer was a very attractive woman. Time and the past few years had served to take the obvious away from her, but you could still see it if you were someone who has the ability to see below the surface of a person.
Jennifer was/is really sick.
Sitting in her wheelchair, she struck up the conversation from our distance. Her voice was strong and vibrant, with only the slightest of shake or reverberation in it. She asked how I was doing and why I was there. I proceeded cautiously, telling her what was wrong, but as is my custom, not making a big deal about it.
Good thing, too.
Jennifer proceeded to speak without reservation about her issues. Five years prior, she had been diagnosed with Lymphoma. That terrible ailment gestated into breast cancer, and she lost both breasts and a good deal of her lymph nodes under her arms. She was currently in the hospital because of an erupting stomach ulcer, and she had just been informed they think she may have another form of Hodgkin's. 53 years old. Fifty-three.
This woman was so sweet, it was incredible. She spoke of her husband and children in glowing terms, and never once complained or even insinuated that she had been dealt a crappy hand. We talked for nearly a half hour, mostly her talking with me listening, trying to soak in one of the greatest lessons a person can learn one on one - the lesson of true fearlessness.
Here I am with my little ditty that got me slammed for a few days, and I'm talking to someone who may or may not have a few days left. I thought I was lonesome in the middle of the dark nights at the hospital, but my worries were absolutely nothing compared to hers...and she dealt with them with dignity and style. Yes, style. Try to imagine this if you can. You are her, and you are - for all intents and purposes - flying solo on this trip. Nothing is going right for you, and every minor success is followed by a soul-crushing letdown. And yet you're smiling, speaking candidly and freely, and you're wishing someone else with only 1% of your problems the best of luck. You even say you'll pray for me.
So, I told you to "IMAGINE" you were her. You can only do that because you are obviously not her. But if you were, would you - could you - be as strong? I'm not in search of your answer. That is for you and you alone to know. And just in case you're wondering, yes - I've asked that question of myself as well.
And so may you also have the best of luck, Jennifer whateveryourlastnameis. I made sure I said a prayer for you that night. You seemed to need it more than me.
Or perhaps you didn't, now that I think about it.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Ahhh, but the cuisine...the cuisine
These tales of the past week are coming in the same way I'm getting them back in my memory. Disjointed, out of time sequence, and disheveled. Learn to live with it, I do ;-)
Last Thursday Morning...waaaaay too early.
A woman walks in my hospital room and says loudly, "State Joo name pleze". Naturally, me feeling a little better and the eternal smart-ass anyways said, "Joo name."
I'm fairly certain she neither understood nor appreciated my humor, and she kind of chucked my tray onto that side table contraption that can spin in front of the patient and serve as a table for eating. I offed the cover, and much to my non surprise, I had no clue what 75% of the stuff on that tray was. After about 5 minutes of playing, "What's that smell?", I determined the following to be true:
The yellow/off white stuff in the small plastic bowl was the main chef's own invention. Hash browns and scrambled eggs mixed together to form a cylindrically shaped masterpiece of tasteful delight known as a $#!%&^. I decided to pass, because such a thing of beauty would only be destroyed if I ate it.
From that point forward, I knew my eyes, ears, color receptors, and instincts would have to be my guide. If the item was green when by all logic it should have been orange, I passed. If the smell was similar to the grease pit in the back alley of Sung Ho's Wok in Brooklyn, I passed. If the item seemed bloated in any form, I passed. And finally, anything that was once red meat or chicken that passed through a blender before it made it's appearance at my bedside? Pass.
America's hospital's. Yeeeesss, they're expensive, but think of the poundage you'll lose while there. They could market it as the latest craze:
"The Auto-diet", brought to you by your friends in the kitchen at your nearby Florida Hospital. All you have to do to enroll is state joo name.
Last Thursday Morning...waaaaay too early.
A woman walks in my hospital room and says loudly, "State Joo name pleze". Naturally, me feeling a little better and the eternal smart-ass anyways said, "Joo name."
I'm fairly certain she neither understood nor appreciated my humor, and she kind of chucked my tray onto that side table contraption that can spin in front of the patient and serve as a table for eating. I offed the cover, and much to my non surprise, I had no clue what 75% of the stuff on that tray was. After about 5 minutes of playing, "What's that smell?", I determined the following to be true:
The yellow/off white stuff in the small plastic bowl was the main chef's own invention. Hash browns and scrambled eggs mixed together to form a cylindrically shaped masterpiece of tasteful delight known as a $#!%&^. I decided to pass, because such a thing of beauty would only be destroyed if I ate it.
From that point forward, I knew my eyes, ears, color receptors, and instincts would have to be my guide. If the item was green when by all logic it should have been orange, I passed. If the smell was similar to the grease pit in the back alley of Sung Ho's Wok in Brooklyn, I passed. If the item seemed bloated in any form, I passed. And finally, anything that was once red meat or chicken that passed through a blender before it made it's appearance at my bedside? Pass.
America's hospital's. Yeeeesss, they're expensive, but think of the poundage you'll lose while there. They could market it as the latest craze:
"The Auto-diet", brought to you by your friends in the kitchen at your nearby Florida Hospital. All you have to do to enroll is state joo name.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Last Friday, Aug 30th, about 3:40 PM
I'm seconds from changing out of the show-yer-butt gowns that are all the rage in hospitals, dahhhling, into my regular clothes to be discharged, and a new nurse walks in the door. Neither she nor I had met before. In a friendly and competent manner, she said to me, "Hi. I'm Jennifer your nurse. Have you had a bowel movement today?"
I responded, "Hiiiiii. Is that the way you usually break the ice?" "Or is that some sort of weird pick-up line? If it is, it needs some tweaking."
Now look, she seemed sweet enough, but lordy, lordy.
"Hi, I'm Jennifer - your nurse."
"How are you feeling?"
"Can I get you something?"
"Oh, by the way, I need to know if your bathroom habits are normal."
Anything...anything...except allowing the first question off your lips to be about "The Deuce".
Just another helpful tip for those willing and wanting to pay attention to life's little details.
I'm seconds from changing out of the show-yer-butt gowns that are all the rage in hospitals, dahhhling, into my regular clothes to be discharged, and a new nurse walks in the door. Neither she nor I had met before. In a friendly and competent manner, she said to me, "Hi. I'm Jennifer your nurse. Have you had a bowel movement today?"
I responded, "Hiiiiii. Is that the way you usually break the ice?" "Or is that some sort of weird pick-up line? If it is, it needs some tweaking."
Now look, she seemed sweet enough, but lordy, lordy.
"Hi, I'm Jennifer - your nurse."
"How are you feeling?"
"Can I get you something?"
"Oh, by the way, I need to know if your bathroom habits are normal."
Anything...anything...except allowing the first question off your lips to be about "The Deuce".
Just another helpful tip for those willing and wanting to pay attention to life's little details.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Mom's (Yes, plural)
I work in a company that is about 90% female. The last 4 days or so, I've received more phone calls, e-mail, and personal encounters, telling me to slow down....take it easy...and of course "slow down while taking it easy". It's as if I have 43 Mom's....but I'm not complaining. They all mean well.
A slight misstep last Wednesday. Had a bit of a balance problem in the early morning, then went to work and had a "mini" episode. According to people who were there, my speech rapidly deteriorated and my cognitive skills disappeared in about 30 minutes. They got me to the emergency room, and after a few days in the hospital, they paroled me.
All is well now. Speech is not labored any more, strength and endurance coming back rapidly.
I am confused why I'm not allowed to run with scissors while in the swimming pool talking with a stranger within an hour of eating. That one has me baffled.
Hopefully, my many mom's will explain that one to me.
A slight misstep last Wednesday. Had a bit of a balance problem in the early morning, then went to work and had a "mini" episode. According to people who were there, my speech rapidly deteriorated and my cognitive skills disappeared in about 30 minutes. They got me to the emergency room, and after a few days in the hospital, they paroled me.
All is well now. Speech is not labored any more, strength and endurance coming back rapidly.
I am confused why I'm not allowed to run with scissors while in the swimming pool talking with a stranger within an hour of eating. That one has me baffled.
Hopefully, my many mom's will explain that one to me.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Focus
Focus is an issue right now. I want to tell the story, but it takes too much to find each key on the typewriter, and I have no desire to proof-read anything.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Friday, August 31, 2007
The return
For those familiar with me and my history, The Monster paid me a visit - I guess it was on Wednesday at work. Nearly 4 years I held him off, not so bad when you think about it.
More details to follow when I have the strength and the clarity to type it and pull all the facts together to explain exactly what happened. I'm not totally clear myself.
Peace.
More details to follow when I have the strength and the clarity to type it and pull all the facts together to explain exactly what happened. I'm not totally clear myself.
Peace.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Un
When love and reality crash into each other, where do the broken pieces fall to the earth?
What do you do when time passes so swiftly, it forgets that you were a passenger?
As evil as hate is, can it be healthy to simply not like? If the worst thing in life is to be let down by someone, is the best thing in life forgiveness for the same?
I saw a group carrying signs, “impeach” and “start over”. Were they saying they could do better, or simply unhappy in knowing they themselves could not?
Your team lost, then went home. Your team lost, and you moped about for 3 hours. Tell me again; who lost?
An old, filthy dirty man, smelling of a mixture of booze, cigs, and body odors asked me for a bit of spare change. I emptied my car of it. Will he buy more liquor and tobacco? I hope so, for his sake.
The dog stared at me today with a look of confusion and sadness. He knows in his mind he’s leaving soon, and he probably longs again for the days when he could run like the wind with me chasing him. Yeah. So do I.
The mornings come too fast and the evenings seem too short. Life is about repetition and the occasional break away from it. We never seem to break enough, do we?
I think we need Billy Graham’s face showing up on a corn flake, don’t you? I know I check my raisin brand every day for a sign that tells me it’s about more than 0% interest rates, self cooling beer cans, and cavemen selling insurance.
It is…isn’t it?
What do you do when time passes so swiftly, it forgets that you were a passenger?
As evil as hate is, can it be healthy to simply not like? If the worst thing in life is to be let down by someone, is the best thing in life forgiveness for the same?
I saw a group carrying signs, “impeach” and “start over”. Were they saying they could do better, or simply unhappy in knowing they themselves could not?
Your team lost, then went home. Your team lost, and you moped about for 3 hours. Tell me again; who lost?
An old, filthy dirty man, smelling of a mixture of booze, cigs, and body odors asked me for a bit of spare change. I emptied my car of it. Will he buy more liquor and tobacco? I hope so, for his sake.
The dog stared at me today with a look of confusion and sadness. He knows in his mind he’s leaving soon, and he probably longs again for the days when he could run like the wind with me chasing him. Yeah. So do I.
The mornings come too fast and the evenings seem too short. Life is about repetition and the occasional break away from it. We never seem to break enough, do we?
I think we need Billy Graham’s face showing up on a corn flake, don’t you? I know I check my raisin brand every day for a sign that tells me it’s about more than 0% interest rates, self cooling beer cans, and cavemen selling insurance.
It is…isn’t it?
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Nike Red Sox World Series commercial - 2004
In an earlier post, I got to tell my version. This is NIKE's. Same thing as mine...better technology. Watch the dads with their boys and wives/moms. This makes me cry every time I see it.
Daddy, why is that center fielder wearing a football helmet?
Last night, entering the top of the fourth inning, the Baltimore Orioles were leading the Texas Rangers 3-0. That meant the Rangers had 6 innings to try and rally to tie the game. They actually scored in four of those innings, failing to score in the remaining two. 5 runs in the 4th inning, were shortly followed by 9 in the 6th, 10 in the eighth, and 6 paltry runs in the ninth.
30. Runs....not points. Runs. 30. In the four innings they actually scored in.
My son said to me, when was the last time that happened? I thought I knew everything about sports, but I couldn't remember. Wanna know why?
Because the last time it happened was 1897.
A.D.
Hitler was a year old. Henry Ford had an idea for a piece of machinery, but he wasn't sure it would catch on with the general public. He also had some fanciful idea of something called an "Assembly Line".
Friggin dreamers!!!
Some Irish guy was 15 years away from finding the funds to build an unsinkable ship. World War Zero had not been fought. Some dude named Lennin - who didn't play for the Beatles by the way - was ruling Russia. Telephones and televisions weren't yet invented, mostly because they were still working to refine something called electricity.
42 year old Dick Clarke was hosting a Broadway show called New York Bandstand. George Burns was an occasional guest host. Walt Disney wouldn't be born for another four years, which meant Orlando still had something called "grass and trees" instead of cement, porto-potties, and traffic jams.
Five years earlier, the country opened up a way-station in New York City called Ellis Island. Spanish had yet to become our national language.
The following things did not exist in 1897:
The Zeppelin (no, not Led Zeppelin, stoopid), the safety razor, radios, vacuum cleaners, neon, teddy bears, crayons, airplanes, tea bags, tractors, corn flakes, cellophane, talking pictures, gasoline, crossword puzzles, zippers, band-aid's, and of course as hard as this is to take - myspace.
Right next to Camden Yards baseball park in Baltimore is the stadium the NFL's Ravens play in. The last time they gave up 30 points was in November of 2005.
So here's to you, Baltimore Orioles. You refuse to succumb to modernization and the evil pull of success. You've reminded us all, if you give up just enough, you too can go down in history...right there with the Edsel, Enron, and Paris Hilton's acting career.
Cheers!!
30. Runs....not points. Runs. 30. In the four innings they actually scored in.
My son said to me, when was the last time that happened? I thought I knew everything about sports, but I couldn't remember. Wanna know why?
Because the last time it happened was 1897.
A.D.
Hitler was a year old. Henry Ford had an idea for a piece of machinery, but he wasn't sure it would catch on with the general public. He also had some fanciful idea of something called an "Assembly Line".
Friggin dreamers!!!
Some Irish guy was 15 years away from finding the funds to build an unsinkable ship. World War Zero had not been fought. Some dude named Lennin - who didn't play for the Beatles by the way - was ruling Russia. Telephones and televisions weren't yet invented, mostly because they were still working to refine something called electricity.
42 year old Dick Clarke was hosting a Broadway show called New York Bandstand. George Burns was an occasional guest host. Walt Disney wouldn't be born for another four years, which meant Orlando still had something called "grass and trees" instead of cement, porto-potties, and traffic jams.
Five years earlier, the country opened up a way-station in New York City called Ellis Island. Spanish had yet to become our national language.
The following things did not exist in 1897:
The Zeppelin (no, not Led Zeppelin, stoopid), the safety razor, radios, vacuum cleaners, neon, teddy bears, crayons, airplanes, tea bags, tractors, corn flakes, cellophane, talking pictures, gasoline, crossword puzzles, zippers, band-aid's, and of course as hard as this is to take - myspace.
Right next to Camden Yards baseball park in Baltimore is the stadium the NFL's Ravens play in. The last time they gave up 30 points was in November of 2005.
So here's to you, Baltimore Orioles. You refuse to succumb to modernization and the evil pull of success. You've reminded us all, if you give up just enough, you too can go down in history...right there with the Edsel, Enron, and Paris Hilton's acting career.
Cheers!!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Simply complicated
He stands for choice, but makes few.
He senses true warmth, but knows the pain of coldness.
He lives beneath a protective shield, but yearns for the excitement of freedom.
He is the dog that chases the cat, and then plays with it.
His values are respect, honesty, and loyalty.
Without them, he is nothing.
Without them, so are you.
Friendship and love cannot exist in their absence.
He is dearly passionate, and stubbornly conservative.
He lives by the lyrics, and dies with the chords.
His heart can pound like no other, or melt at the sight of a child.
He has shown anger, but prefers kindness.
He will fight for justice, and then defend the indefensible.
He will press for tolerance, but pass on ignorance.
He is the sword as well as the feather.
He can be so very strong, but has glaring weaknesses.
He loves powerfully, but asks for such from few.
He listens intently and speaks too much.
He can or he cannot.
He is a man and he is a boy.
He is a conquering hero who needs no parade.
He is the opposite of simple and as complex as a single-syllable word.
He is tears mixed with happiness.
He is a tuxedo with running shoes.
He is
…just
…himself
He senses true warmth, but knows the pain of coldness.
He lives beneath a protective shield, but yearns for the excitement of freedom.
He is the dog that chases the cat, and then plays with it.
His values are respect, honesty, and loyalty.
Without them, he is nothing.
Without them, so are you.
Friendship and love cannot exist in their absence.
He is dearly passionate, and stubbornly conservative.
He lives by the lyrics, and dies with the chords.
His heart can pound like no other, or melt at the sight of a child.
He has shown anger, but prefers kindness.
He will fight for justice, and then defend the indefensible.
He will press for tolerance, but pass on ignorance.
He is the sword as well as the feather.
He can be so very strong, but has glaring weaknesses.
He loves powerfully, but asks for such from few.
He listens intently and speaks too much.
He can or he cannot.
He is a man and he is a boy.
He is a conquering hero who needs no parade.
He is the opposite of simple and as complex as a single-syllable word.
He is tears mixed with happiness.
He is a tuxedo with running shoes.
He is
…just
…himself
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Learning Life's Lessons
Been gone for 2 weeks. Took the fam up to New England to college shop for the oldest (no shit...I'm an old bastard, huh?), and took the rest of the time exploring. After 13 days, I learned three things:
Number 1. Parents and grandparents - no matter how old - are very special to the children, as well as to those parents and grandparents themselves. Currently, I am part of the third of four living generations of me, and that is totally f'ing cool.
Number 2. If there is a place on this great green earth that is better than Fenway Park on a sunny summer afternoon - especially with two wide-eyed boys who have never been there before - I'd like to know where it is.
I'm tellin ya - I fought back tears thinking of the fact that my dad sat next to his dad, I sat next to my dad, and my boys have now sat next to me in that nearly 100 year old ball park. The seats are way to small, way to hard, they face the wrong direction, and they're wonderful. The bathrooms should be condemned, but they're serviceable. The food is too expensive and tastes like crap, and I relished in every dollar spent. The green on the walls, the monster wall in left, 3 foot tall wall in right, a manually operated scoreboard, and 39,000 people - each wearing anywhere from 1 piece to an entire wardrobe of Red Sox attire - screaming, clapping, and chanting their boys of summer on. When one of the Sox hit a two-run homer, the volume was deafening. Freakin deafening.
...Just the way I wanted my boys to experience it.
...Just the way my dad always experienced it... And his dad before him... And all the dads - all the time - as a matter of fact.
Number 3. The thing I learned most of all is that some things just should not change. Ever.
Number 1. Parents and grandparents - no matter how old - are very special to the children, as well as to those parents and grandparents themselves. Currently, I am part of the third of four living generations of me, and that is totally f'ing cool.
Number 2. If there is a place on this great green earth that is better than Fenway Park on a sunny summer afternoon - especially with two wide-eyed boys who have never been there before - I'd like to know where it is.
I'm tellin ya - I fought back tears thinking of the fact that my dad sat next to his dad, I sat next to my dad, and my boys have now sat next to me in that nearly 100 year old ball park. The seats are way to small, way to hard, they face the wrong direction, and they're wonderful. The bathrooms should be condemned, but they're serviceable. The food is too expensive and tastes like crap, and I relished in every dollar spent. The green on the walls, the monster wall in left, 3 foot tall wall in right, a manually operated scoreboard, and 39,000 people - each wearing anywhere from 1 piece to an entire wardrobe of Red Sox attire - screaming, clapping, and chanting their boys of summer on. When one of the Sox hit a two-run homer, the volume was deafening. Freakin deafening.
...Just the way I wanted my boys to experience it.
...Just the way my dad always experienced it... And his dad before him... And all the dads - all the time - as a matter of fact.
Number 3. The thing I learned most of all is that some things just should not change. Ever.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Monday, August 06, 2007
When it was simple
Was there anything more empowering than riding a bicycle when you were a kid? Originally, I had a no-speed bike, then as time wore on I had the miracle of 3-speeds. A 10-speed cycle had yet to be invented, so if I wanted a 5th or 6th gear, I pedaled faster. My first love was a bike my dad sprung for and put together himself. It looked almost exactly like the one pictured. He bought the frame, a banana seat (you had to have a banana seat or you weren't cool), and the high handle bars (step #2 on the "cool scale"). Compared to today's sleek, ultra-lightweight, high tech bicycles, it was a piece of shiite. But I'll still take that bike over anything they offer today.
Back then, comedies were based upon real people in real-life situations. They simply made them funnier and occasionally added something serious to bring further reality to the shows. Barney Miller was about the 12th Precinct in NYC. WKRP in Cincinnati was about a radio station trying to survive during the initial days of FM. Incredibly funny, WKRP represented the times and the social upheaval in America, taking on such topics as censorship, the religious right, the dangers of spectacle seating at rock concerts, and of course - the little known fact that Turkey's cannot fly. We also had a show called "All in the family" and another called M*A*S*H. Not ringing a bell, eh? I turn on the TV now, and I see yuppies drinking coffee and I can't relate. Gimme back my MTM (If you don't know who MTM is, you won't get this post anyways).
I remember watching TV in my parents room in April 1974, and watching LA Dodgers Pitcher Al Downing (the greatest living sports trivia question of all time, by the way) - throw a curve ball to Henry Aaron for his 715th home run. Now I get to watch a test tube swing a syringe in hopes of hitting his 756th through a night haze caused by thick innuendo anda blanket of insincere statements. Hardly anyone will cheer, and that is even worse.
What happened to my baseball? Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
There was a bad guy back then, called the USSR. We were the good guys, by the way. The world was safer you know, even if at the time we thought the opposite. They took care of their half their way, we in turn took care of our half our way. All the idiots were scared of both of us, and therefore stayed beneath their rocks.
We now live in an age where our kids had better not go too far when they're out playing, and free-wheeling around on their bikes is a 2007 form of Russian Roulette. We now live in a world where you can see your nice, quiet, friendly neighbor on-line at the county child predator page. Instead of allowing someone to cut in front of you on the highway, you chose to cut him or her off with a dramatic single-finger salute and a burst of cuss words. He in turn pulls out a pistol and shoots you at the next interchange. Music was at one time all about love, lost love, found love, reclaimed love, forlorn love, and lack of love. It is now about "slappin' yo beaaatch ma-fuckin' ho", which I can only imagine has nothing to do with the love I'm familiar with.
Back then a man married a woman and they stayed together like my parents have for 50 + years. Now they don't even care about marriage unless they're gay and want to make a political or financial statement.
In short...today's music sucks, the comedies on TV suck, driving sucks, people look upon marriage as old-fashioned bufoonery, my kids can't go more than 15 feet from my yard because the single dude who walks his 4 dogs wearing shorts, black socks, and sandals, really is the creepazoid he portrays himself to be....
And - worst of all - Nick at nite stopped showing Gilligan's Island...
So...how's your day going?
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Saturday, August 04, 2007
I'll bet you didn't know
I have always held the belief that Audrey Hepburn was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on.Yup...the same Audrey Hepburn. That's her.
Recently for Father's Day, my daughter made me a CD in which she (my daughter) was talking to me through music about our 25+ years together. The last song on the CD was Audrey singing "Moon River" on the balcony in the movie "Breakfast at Tiffany's". I knew very little besides her beauty of this woman who left us nearly 15 years ago, but I was intrigued. What I found out was one third shocking, one third inspiring, and one third confirmation that beauty in some goes far deeper than eyes and skin tone.
It goes to the soul.
Born in 1929 in Arnhem, Netherlands, Audrey had no idea her surroundings were going to become some of the most dramatic of the 20th Century. In 1940, the Nazis invaded and occupied Arnhem. During the war, Hepburn adopted the pseudonym Edda van Heemstra, modifying her mother's documents, because an "English-sounding" name was considered dangerous. The name Edda was a version of her mother's name, Ella.
She was 10 at the time.
By 1944, aged 14, Hepburn had become a proficient ballerina. She secretly danced for groups of people to collect money for the underground movement. She later said, "the best audience I ever had made not a single sound at the end of my performance."
After the landing of the Allied Forces on D-Day, things grew worse under the German occupiers. During the Dutch Famine in the winter of 1944, the Germans confiscated the Dutch people's limited food and fuel supply for themselves. Without heat in their homes or food to eat, people starved and froze to death in the streets. Hepburn and many others resorted to making flour out of tulip bulbs to bake cakes and biscuits. Arnhem was devastated during allied bombing raids that were part of the failed British Field Marshall Montgomery's Operation Market-Garden. The outstanding film, "A Bridge too Far", made Market-Garden and Arnhem famous in the 1970's. Hepburn's uncle and a cousin of her mother's were shot in front of Hepburn for being part of the Resistance. Hepburn's half-brother Ian van Ufford spent time in a German labor camp. Suffering from malnutrition, Hepburn developed acute anemia and respiratory problems.
In a 1991 interview, Hepburn said, "I have memories. More than once I was at the station seeing trainloads of Jews being transported, seeing all these faces over the top of the wagon. I remember, very sharply, one little boy standing with his parents on the platform, very pale, very blond, wearing a coat that was much too big for him, and he stepped on to the train. I was a child observing a child who would never return."
From 1988 until her death in 1993, she served as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, and was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for her efforts. In 1999, she was ranked as the third greatest female movie star of all time.
I have her ranked a lot higher in life.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
More! Give me MORE!
Dateline: Washington. D.C. 1 Aug 2007
Unhappy with the punishment handed out, Mary Tillman will open a new lawsuit this morning, demanding the immediate execution of every soldier currently serving on active duty, reserve status, national guard, and all retired Army still living, as retribution for her son being killed in Afghanistan. "I don't think it's an unrealistic request under the circumstances," she was quoted as saying yesterday.
Unhappy with the punishment handed out, Mary Tillman will open a new lawsuit this morning, demanding the immediate execution of every soldier currently serving on active duty, reserve status, national guard, and all retired Army still living, as retribution for her son being killed in Afghanistan. "I don't think it's an unrealistic request under the circumstances," she was quoted as saying yesterday.
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